WOSSNAME - - AUGUST 2006 - - PART 5 OF 5
- WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2006 -- PART 5 OF 5
14) YOUR MONTHLY HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
YOUR HOLIDAY: Messing About in Boats
WHAT YOU GET: An unforgettable pleasure cruise around the Circle Sea
and great Rim Ocean, with stops at Hersheba, Krull, Mithos and the
BeTrobi Islands. Wind, waves, whirlpools, sea monsters and - on the
Pleasure Option cruises - an endless round of parties and colourful
alcoholic beverages with little umbrellas in them. A popular cruise
is the Circumfence Fishing Fortnight (includes tea at Tethis' place).
Owing to the vicissitudes of deep ocean currents, there's always the
additional possibility of an unscheduled stop at Bes Pelargic!
WHERE TO BOOK: Any seaport.
WHAT TO TAKE: Motion sickness draughts; flotation kits; wetsuits;
dry suits (drip dry, for preference); hangover cures; swimwear;
sunscreen; harpoons; hemp.
NOTES: There is no truth to the rumour that Lady Asterisk owns
numerous shares in Grabpot Thundergust's sunscreen factory.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
YOUR HOLIDAY: Let's Go Get Stoned
WHAT YOU GET: A visit to the quarries, dolmens, monoliths, megaliths,
microliths, standing stones, leaning stones, stone circles, scree
slopes, gravel pits and rain mines of far Llamedos. See the
mysterious Llamedosian druids debugging their macrochips! Stand in a
shower with a chamois over your head at the bullhide-tanning seminar!
Test your endurance by sitting through an entire Eisteddfod! Oh, all
right, it's a boring holiday, but you'll learn more than you ever
wanted to know about rain and rocks.
WHERE TO BOOK: Huw & Pugh, Monolith Masons, Turnwise Gate, A-M.
WHAT TO TAKE: You need rainwear. Lots and lots of rainwear. Sunscreen
is not worth packing. Ever.
NOTES: Reciting humorous verse at an Eisteddfod is considered grounds
for deportation, or possibly human sacrifice. Just so you know.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
YOUR HOLIDAY: Discovering the Last Continent
WHAT YOU GET: A whirlwind tour of fabled XXXX, the land where even
Wizzards fear to tread, women glow and men chunder, and the only non-
poisonous native animals are some of the sheep. Highlights include
a night's drinking in Didjabringabeeralong, a night's drinking in
Wigga Wagga, a night's drinking in Strongalongadonga, and a day's
drinking at the Disc-famed Bugarup University; also didgeridoo
lessons, possum herding, croc-wrestling, and sheep-shearing
competitions. Accommodation can be had at any billabong; tin sheds
WHERE TO BOOK: Rincewind's office, Unseen University; Tim Tamm's
Terrific Tours (offices in Nothingfjord, Slakki and Ecalpon).
WHAT TO TAKE: Antivenom; sunscreen; socks and sandals; Jumbuck's
Guide to Carnivorous Spiders; ant repellent; a Morporkian-Ecksian
phrasebook; edible foods.
NOTES: Holidaymakers of a magickal bent may wish to investigate the
students' foreign exchange programme at Bugarup University.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
YOUR HOLIDAY: Climbing Mount Improbable
WHAT YOU GET: A guided climb up the north face of Cori Celesti, home
of the Gods and seat of the best long-distance views on the Disc;
includes taking tea in the laps of the Gods, assuming they find you
sufficiently amusing. Survivors can revel in an exhilarating dash
across the Hubland Steppes, pursued by iconographogenic Hubland
barbarians. This tour guarantees thrilling iconographs for the
enjoyment of your next of kin.
WHERE TO BOOK: The Street of Small Gods; any Temple of the Lady.
WHAT TO TAKE: Extreme unction; every condensed Holy Book you can lay
your hands on; good running shoes; pitons; crampons; all-weather
tents; Yeti repellent; lightning rods; sunscreen (hey, it gets bright
NOTES: Because it's there.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
YOUR HOLIDAY: See the Elephants
WHAT YOU GET: The Disc's only supra-atmospheric tour, featuring a
fly-by of Great A'Tuin and the Four Elephants, refuelling stop on
the Moon, unparallelled views of the Rimfall, and thrill-a-minute
splashdown on the return leg of your journey. This short but
unique holiday trip is literally out of this world. Plenty of peace
and quiet interspersed with moments of sheer ogodswereallgonnadie
terror; be prepared to get religion, or form one.
WHERE TO BOOK: Third dungeon on the left, upper level 3, Patrician's
Palace, Sator Square. Ask for Leonard.
WHAT TO TAKE: Oxygen; airtight helmets; a telescope; watertight bags;
fluids-other-than-water-tight bags; airsickness bags; airlesssickness
bags; thermal underwear.
NOTES: As this tour is expressly forbidden by decree of Lord
Vetinari, you should be aware that questions will be asked afterwards
- quite possibly over a scorpion pit.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
YOUR HOLIDAY: Things That Go Bonk in the Night
WHAT YOU GET: All the malevolent marvels of Uberwald, including the
Bonk sausage works, Lady Margolotta's Temperance Teahouse, Dances
with Werewolves, the IgorWorks "hands on (and frequently off)"
museum, and a free overnight stay in Dontgonearthe Castle. The
magnificently snow-capped Ramtop and Trollbone Mountains form an
unforgettable background for an unforgettable holiday, and the rare
delicacies of Uberwaldean cuisine will perfectly complement your
stay...and there's the added thrill of knowing that the dish of the
day could well be you. Daylight activities are recommended.
WHERE TO BOOK: Gimlet's Delicatessen; Biers; Goodmountain's U-Print
and Travel; the Fresh Start Club.
WHAT TO TAKE: Garlic; stakes; sensible nightclothes; silver bullets;
gloomy trousers; sausage tongs; Greebo.
NOTES: Nanny Ogg may not let you take Greebo, but as he's fathered
most of the tomcats of Lancre, surely some of his descendants will
possess the familial cattitude.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
YOUR HOLIDAY: The Genuan Article
WHAT YOU GET: A romantic river cruise to the Birthplace of Gumbo. Up
the Smarl and down the Vieux (masculine) on a vintage paddleboat,
this celebration of the Age of Steam oozes charm, not to mention its
oozing mildew, sweat and swamp moss. Cruise includes onboard
accommodation, nightly casino passes, Cripple Mr Onion lessons, high
tea daily, and 21 tips for avoiding river pirates; also included is
a voucher book for the shops and restaurants of Genua. Mrs Gogol's
jambalaya alone is worth the trip! Return booking by broomstick is
available for a slight extra fee.
WHERE TO BOOK: The Guild of Seamstresses; the Ankh-Morpork docks.
WHAT TO TAKE: Parasols; concealable mini-crossbows; marked cards
(only if you know how to use them!); hangover cures; sunscreen;
mosquito repellent; anaconda repellent; mould remover.
NOTES: Those drinks with the herbs and fruit in them are not quite
as innocent as they look; in fact, one might say they pack a punch.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
YOUR HOLIDAY: The Week of Living Dangerously
WHAT YOU GET: A full week in the infamous Shades of Ankh-Morpork - in
some ways, the most picturesque tour of all! Surely the most
colourful, especially if you favourite colour is blood red. TWoLD
features a tour of A-M's low life, including C.M.O.T. Dibbler's
lockup cellar, the Tanty, Biers, the Troll's Head, Shamlegger Street,
and a number of nameless alleys and shops of ill repute. Lodgings at
Mrs Palm's, if you don't mind lively nighttime noises. It is worth
noting that a rebate is on offer for anyone who lasts the entire week
here...and that so far no rebates have been demanded.
WHERE TO BOOK: Sidle up to any dodgy-looking street vendor in the
Morpork industrial district. Or try Dibbler's in Sator Square.
WHAT TO TAKE: Personal armour; bodyguards; blackguards; blackjacks;
money belt; edged weapons; life insurance.
NOTES: You can leave your Thieves' Guild Visitor Discount Card at
home for this one; it's not accepted in the Shades.
Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
End of Part 5, says my computer -- and that's the lot!
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