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WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2006 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2006 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued) ... 8) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued) by Lady Anaemia Asterisk %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% The
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 29, 2006
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      WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2006 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)

      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      For Lu-Tze of the History Monks


      Careful steps are what I take, sweeping with my broom
      Fresh history I make, sweeping with my broom
      I create Forever, sweeping with my broom
      I cause quantum weather
      Sweeping with, sweeping with my broom.

      I'm Procrastinating, sweeping with my broom
      I'm Procrastinating, sweeping with my broom
      I have hardly touched my tea, sweeping with my broom
      Qu makes too much work for me
      Sweeping with, sweeping with my broom.

      Some may say, "The future's not yesterday" - no way
      I'm spinning out Time to pay - your way
      Tomorrow's a tick away - make hay!
      The Abbot will play...

      Cosmopilite, yo-yo
      Cosmopilite yo-yo
      The Yeti's right, yo-yo.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      For Igor


      Every night in my lab
      I sew you, I mend you
      That is how an Igor goes on
      Far across the futures and sutures between us
      I have come to prove I go on

      Ears, hearts, I keep them in jars
      And believe that my parts will go on
      Once more I rebuild my core
      From my eyes to my toenails, my parts will go on and on.

      Surgery's not "one-time", it's more like a lifestyle
      Never stop improving technique
      Love is fixing organs (like kidneys and bile glands)
      In post-life an Igor's unique

      Arms, knees, I cure of disease
      To make sure that my parts will go on
      Once more, I close open sores
      From my hair to my liver, my parts will go on and on.

      Sit here, there's nothing to fear
      For you know that my medicine's strong
      Brains, nerves, I heal and preserve
      You are safe on my slab
      And my parts will go on and on.



      My Way (Frank Sinatra): Vimes' Way
      Pretty Fly for a White Guy (Offspring): Pretty Fly for a Dead Guy
      Don't Fear the Reaper (Blue Oyster Cult): Won't Hear the Reaper
      I'd Do Anything for Love (Meat Loaf): I'd Print Anything for Truth
      Nothing But Mammals (Bloodhound Gang): Nothing But Coppers
      Dancing Queen (ABBA): Lancre Queen
      I Wanna Sex You Up (Color Me Badd): I Wanna HEX You Up
      Common People (Pulp): Dwarfish People
      I'm Too Sexy (Right Said Fred): I'm Too Brainy
      Losing My Religion (REM): Ruling Politician
      Walking on the Moon (Police): Sweeping With My Broom
      My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion): My Parts Will Go On

      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Lady Asterisk. If she's in a good mood,
      she might even answer them.

      To the Editor:

      At School, Susan has too good friends...one is a troll called Jade
      and the other is a Female Dwarf called Gloria, who also makes mention
      of her grandmother. This is a few novels before Feet of Clay where we
      learn that dwarfs never show if they are male or female.

      Does this mean that the events in Soul Music occur before Feet of
      Clay or was there some small group of rebel Dwarfs before this?

      -- Scott Gibson

      To the Editor:

      It was a school for girls - being demonstratively female may have
      been a requirement of entry.

      -- Paul Godsil

      To the Editor:

      "Demonstratively female"? What, like throwing hissy bitch-fits and
      wearing too much lipstick and constantly moaning about PMS?

      I think you'll find the word you wanted is "demonstrably" :P

      -- Scott Gibson

      To the Editor:

      Scott Gibson wrote:
      > At School, Susan has too good friends...

      Hmmm, I've heard about those expensive girls' schools...

      -- Jase Parlevliet

      To the Editor:

      Actually, I noticed this in re-reading Guards! Guards! - Minty is referred
      to as female several times, including use of feminine pronouns. Call it an
      "alternative past"?

      -- ConMan


      To the Editor:

      Alas, Kevin Smith is no more - he would have been the
      perfect Greebo *le sigh*.

      Oddly enough, I was going to suggest him - except for the whole
      being-dead bit...

      --Norwegian Blue

      To the Editor:

      Maybe put him down for Reg Shoe then...

      -- Jase

      To the Editor:

      I always thought Banderas. The good balance of
      rogue and charm. He also now has experience as a cat.

      -- Maggie K. Bloome

      To the Editor:

      I think Sean Bean fits the bill better - he's more rugged
      and although I don't think he's attractive at all, I'm told a
      lot of people do.

      -- The Snow Queen

      by Anna M. Conina


      All right, I confess. It's really just a book about the Apocalypse:
      the new HarperCollins/William Morrow edition of _Good Omens_.
      But I got your attention, now, didn't I?

      Yes, the novel that dared to put the "antic" back in "Antichrist"
      is back and better than ever at a bookstore near you. Based on
      an initial design concept by Neil Gaiman, the new edition comes
      with your choice of two covers. The black-jacket edition features a
      white drawing of Aziraphale and authors credited as Terry Pratchett
      and Neil Gaiman; like Hell's own photographic negative, the
      white-jacket edition features a black drawing of Crowley and authors
      credited as Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. If you put the two
      together, the subtitle runs across them both: "THE NICE AND
      ACCURATE PROPH" on the white cover lines up neatly with
      "ECIES OF AGNES NUTTER, WITCH" on the black cover. The
      splash of red in Aziraphale's book, Crowley's wine glass, and the
      subtitle font is echoed in the red front and back pages; in the
      black-covered edition, these pages feature images of Crowley on
      the front page and Aziraphale in back, and vice versa for the
      white-covered edition. No matter which version you buy, you'll
      have all the artwork. The underlying cover of both is black, with
      metallic red lettering stamped on the spine.

      The text is playful as well, combining a haloed "O" in "Good"
      with an "M" in "Omens" sprouting a demonic tail. Taking its cue
      from King Arthur's legendary round table, the clever title page
      employs geometry in the service of scrupulous equality; buttressed
      by a harp and pitchfork, both authors' names form a circle so there
      is no "first" or "last." The headers on the inner pages even alternate
      between "Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett" and "Terry Pratchett and
      Neil Gaiman." Both covers also supplement the original 1990 author
      photo with a new photo from the Audio Book Awards dinner in June 2005.
      A standing Terry and a seated Neil raise their wineglasses in a toast
      to the reader, the former clad in a white dinner jacket (and the inevitable
      hat) and the latter in a black tuxedo (and the inevitable sunglasses).
      In the words of Jennifer Brehl, their editor, "their expressions are

      However, the alterations to this beloved classic have not been confined
      to mere aesthetics. Both books contain additional material in the form
      of a foreword and three essays: "Good Omens, the Facts (or, at least,
      lies that have been hallowed by time)"; "Neil Gaiman on Terry Pratchett";
      and "Terry Pratchett on Neil Gaiman." Some of this additional material
      may be familiar to the truly dedicated fans, the unashamedly obsessive
      ber-geeks like . . . well, me. I noticed that Neil Gaiman's essay is
      derived from the program piece he wrote to tip his (strictly metaphorical)
      hat to Terry's guest-of-honor-ship at Noreascon 4.* Most of Terry's tribute
      appeared in the program for Boskone 39, when it was his co-author's turn
      to assume the GOH mantle. Several of the punchlines in "Good Omens:
      The Facts," meanwhile, have served both authors well in convention
      Q&A sessions for many years, usually prior to explaining, sometimes
      with eloquent hand gestures, why they would never, ever write a sequel
      to _Good Omens_, no matter how obscene the sums of cash on offer.
      Never. _Ever._ End of story. Next question, please, from the gentleman
      in the back.

      And yet . . . .

      One hint that the wind is shifting does not come from the additions,
      but from one particular omission. Conspicuous by its absence in
      Neil Gaiman's essay is this line from the original:
      "(No, we won't write a sequel.)"

      Most significant, however, is one brief, shining paragraph in "Good
      Omens, the facts," which comes from no convention Q&A on record:

      "Recently, though, we've both been wondering if 'never again' is set
      in stone. So there might be a sequel one day. Maybe. Perhaps.
      Who knows? We don't."**

      Now, before you start dancing in the streets, keep in mind that all this
      says is that a sequel is no longer a complete impossibility. I wouldn't
      start clearing a space on the shelf for _Good Omens 2: Apocalyptic
      Boogaloo_ just yet, or possibly ever. Nor would I advise Hastur and
      Crowley to invest in double glazing from a telemarketer to ward off
      future chills in the infernal regions. Still . . . while we may have
      missed our golden chance to see Johnny Depp cast as Crowley
      in a film version of _Good Omens_,*** there's a very, very slim
      chance that another, equally glorious Impossible Dream might yet
      come to pass.

      As wiser minds than mine have said:

      Maybe. Perhaps. Who knows?


      *You can enjoy the entirety of the Why-Neil-Gaiman-Doesn't-
      Wear-a-Hat saga, told from both Terry's and Neil's perspectives
      -- it's a two-for-the-price-of-one, _Rashomon_ of a deal -- when you
      buy _Good Omens_.

      **Since this change of heart is, in fact, one of the fabled Signs
      of the Apocalypse, it dovetails with the re-release quite nicely.
      Speaking of which, try this high-concept sequel premise:
      combine elements of _Good Omens_ with _Where's My Cow_?,
      wherein the youthful Antichrist descends into the heart of darkness
      to find higher meaning, missing livestock, and a means to avert
      the second end of the world. It could be titled . . . wait for it . . .
      _Apocalypse Cow_.

      Go ahead and hit me. I deserve it.

      ***That muffled sound you hear is worldwide female weeping,
      wailing, and gnashing of teeth. There may be sackcloth and
      ashes involved, as well.


      For more information:

      Excerpts from the February 2006 _Locus Magazine_ interview
      with Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman:


      Images of the covers, press release text, etc.:






      End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 4
      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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