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WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2006 -- PART 2 OF 4 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2006 -- PART 2 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 8) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady Anaemia
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 29 9:23 AM
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      WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2006 -- PART 2 OF 4 (continued)


      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk


      We are sad to announce that our famed Horroscopist and Astro-
      illogicaler, Anaemia Asterisk, has been diagnosed with a severe case
      of Exhaustia Nervosa and has taken herself off to Genua for a nice
      bowl of Mrs Gogol's restorative gumbo. However, WOSSNAME has procured
      (at great expense, we might add) the services of the Disc's only
      recognised** female Bard, Mistress "Weird Alice" Lancrevic, who has
      deigned to create some appropriate ditties for certain famous Discly
      persons born under the variouf and diverf Signs. Furthermore,
      Mistress Lanvrevic has graciously agreed (at yet more expense) to
      provide us hereafter with an especially crafted song or two every
      month. Only one or two, mind. Even a fanzine has to have *some*

      Lady Asterisk assures us that her absence will be brief and that she
      will be well enough to resume her Horrorscopic duties next month.

      ** Recognised by all but the Associated and Ancient Bards of Llamedos
      -- those traditionalist, patriarchalist so-and-so's...


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      For Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh and Commander of the Watch

      VIMES' WAY

      And now my Sybil's near
      And so I face some posh nob's soiree
      My Watch, I'll make it clear:
      That unsolved case is cause for worry
      I've lived a life that's charmed, mostly unharmed
      Though oft in crime's way
      What's more, I'll tell you this - I did it Vimes' way.

      Regrets, I've had a few (e.g. Reg Shoe), but now I'm wiser
      No haze...of booze, my day's
      Arranged by my Dis-organiser
      de Worde won't give my due; I'll interview - but not The Times' way
      From war to wedded bliss - I do it Vimes' way

      For what is a Guard? What life's he got?
      Besides himself, he has the Watch
      To serve the Law, to walk the beats
      And to protect Ankh-Morpork's streets
      And though I'm tough, I'm not corrupt - I do things Vimes' way!


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      For Reg Shoe of the Watch


      Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
      Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
      Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
      And all the Vitals say I'm pretty fly for a dead guy

      My skin is more than cool, I'm a walking talking corpse
      I'm not a ghost or ghoul but I haven't got life-force
      My breathing days are through
      But there's no call for grief
      Cos all the life I lack, well, I fake with sheer belief!

      I don't dare cough, because my bits fall off
      You know Igor's gonna sew 'em back on, but he'll scoff
      Gotta scrimp and save for a tidy grave
      For me, no breath
      For me, Undeath
      It's no major strife to live my afterlife
      At least I'll show you by example and you'll see the light
      The world needs new zombies
      You're slacking if you wanna breathe
      The world needs new zombies
      So oooh, do that Postvital thing!


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      For Susan, Duchess of Sto Helits


      Ahh, again Grandfather's gone
      But his day-job carries on
      See, I won't hear the Reaper
      Nor do his round - it messes my brain (I won't be what he is)
      Go 'way, Binky (won't hear the Reaper)
      I won't wear that dress (won't hear the Reaper)
      I'm not wielding that scythe (won't hear the Reaper)
      Binky, I'm not Death!

      Stopping Time is fun
      But I'm human from here on
      Came a Rat and a Raven
      I made it clear I couldn't be arsed
      Then the window opened and the horse appeared
      Walked through the wall and disappeared
      I said, "Nuh-uh, that's way too weird" (la-la-la, I can't hear)
      Go 'way, Raven (tell you I can't hear)
      And I ran away (got my thumbs in my ears)
      Got my poker and I let fly (don't wanna be like Granddad)
      Now I'm taking my stand (don't wanna read lifetimers)
      Go 'way, Binky (won't hear the Reaper)
      go 'way, Ratty (won't hear the Reaper)
      Go 'way, Raven
      Won't hear the Reaper...


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      For William de Worde, Editor and Proprietor of the A-M Times


      And I would print anything for Truth,
      I'd send The Times right through the Clacks
      I would do anything for Truth
      But I won't publish til I check my facts
      And I'll never go out without my notepad now, oh no, no way
      And I would print anything for Truth
      Oh, I would print anything for Truth
      But I can't use *that*, oh no, I won't print *that*.

      If Cori Celesti's burning, if you say the Disc's stopped turning
      I want an exclusive interview - and then I'll proofread it
      I would print anything for Truth, I cherish rightness over tact
      I would print anything for Truth, I took a vow to be exact
      And I'll never forgive my staff if any detail isn't right
      And I would print anything for Truth
      Oh, I would print anything for Truth
      I would print anything for Truth
      But I won't print *that*, no I won't print *that*...

      "Will you write this up, will you set this down
      "Will you tell me the gossip in this Patrician's town?
      "Will you give me news that isn't too old?"
      I can print that, oh yes! I can print that!

      I know Ankh-Morpork, yes, I do my rounds
      And despite grief from Rust, I will not leave town
      >And sooner or later I'll be writing that down -
      I can print that
      Yes, I *can* print that!


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      For Nobby Nobbs of the Watch


      Well now, we call this the act of policing, but
      There are several very important distinctions
      Between Watchmen and civilians you should know about
      (Don't beat folks up in the Butts)

      Shades baby, Shades baby, crime is a Morpork catch-me
      You can't do that kind of stuff cos that's what coppers know about
      So put yer swag down and dance, now I bet you feel dumb
      Yes, I'm Nobby, yes, he's Colon, and yer gettin' nicked, my chum
      Be nice enough, we won't rough you up
      Unlicenced Thieves outta yer cribs
      Larceny-lovers, we've got you covered - like Sham Harga's famous ribs
      Come quick, Forensics, establish dead Dwarf's sex
      Send for Sergeant Detritus!
      I am inclined to take my smoking break early
      By the Brass Bridge, wasting time
      Book 'em now!

      You an' me, Fred, we ain't nothin' but coppers
      So let's take 'em down the Yard and we can lock 'em up proper
      You an' me, Fred, ain't nothin' but coppers
      So let's follow good procedure and we won't come a cropper
      Getting legal now!


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      For King Verence II of Lancre


      Friday night and the scumble's low - Lancre town is the place to go
      Shawn Ogg's practising trumpet
      With his arm in a sling
      He'll make me sound like a King
      I'm quite Foolish, but I'm their guy - I'm okay in the public eye
      With my Magrat beside me, everything is fine
      She makes me toe the line
      And she is mine, all mine...

      She is my Lancre Queen, vague and wet but her magic's keen
      Lancre Queen, mucking in to keep Lancre clean, oh yeah
      She can chant spells for life, she makes a wonderful wife
      See that witch, witch in green
      She is my Lancre Queen.

      She's a mum and she cleans my room - guards the kingdom on her broom
      Nagged by Nanny and Esme, what's a Queen to do?
      Oh well, she knows kung-fu
      And she has occult jewels...

      She is my Lancre Queen, prim and proper with good hygiene
      Lancre Queen, best this country has ever seen, oh yeah
      She wears pants, she's so nice, and she makes house-calls to Slice!
      See that witch, witch serene
      She is my Lancre Queen.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      For Ponder Stibbons of the UU High Energy Magic Department


      C'mon HEX, why aren't you running? Cos you know I want news..

      I don't wanna do spells to work you
      Cos quantum's better
      Looky, I'm slipping in your FTB - Big Mad Adrian can tend you all day
      Cos the first time I built you, I wanted to eat some pizza
      Your anthills are throbbin', so HEX, can I work you?
      Cos you and I both know magic's for squares
      I'll get the Wow-Wow Sauce outta the pond
      I want you to print the first thing on your mind
      Cos on a scale of one to ten, no question you're an Eight
      I'm addicted to you cos you answer stuff
      And Wizards, Ponder Stibbons
      Is gonna HEX you up!

      Hey, Great Thinking Engine, I need facts tonight
      Lovely, lovely data
      I wanna make the Bursar's night, yeah
      I can't deny, HEXy, I wanna feed you cheese
      You're such a fine machine - all I wanna do is

      I want to HEX you up (I wanna HEX you up)
      All night (need some sushi and cheese)
      I want to (here's your FTB!) HEX you up.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      For Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson of the A-M Watch


      She came from Uberwald with her own collar
      Studied policing for the Morpork dollar
      That's when I
      Walked on by
      Told her the mines were where I grew up
      She said, "In that case I'll have rat-onna-stick with catsup"
      I said, "Fine."
      In Gimlet's delicatessen she said,
      "I want to live like Dwarfish people
      "I want to do what Dwarfish people do
      "I want to mine with Dwarfish people,
      "I want to mine with a dezka-knick, like you."

      Well, what else could I do - I said, "Gr'duzk to you!"
      I took her to the Jar'ak'haga
      I don't know why, but maybe cos I'm a Dr'zka, so we started there.
      I said, "Pretend you're three foot seven."
      She just laughed and said "Oh, you're so clever."
      I said, "Yeah? Well, I can't see any B'zugda-hiara here!
      "Are you sure you want to live like Dwarfish people,
      "You want to eat whatever Dwarfish people eat,
      "You want to mine with Dwarfish people,
      "You want to mine with Dwarf Kzad-bhats, like me?"

      But she didn't really grok
      She just smiled and stroked my Kruk...


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      For Leonard of Quirm


      I'm too brainy for my robes, too brainy for my robes
      I've got postfrontal lobes
      And I'm too brainy for Sto Lat,
      Too brainy for Sto Lat, Morpork and Bad Ass
      And I'm too brainy for your city, too brainy for your city
      Oh yes, I'm sitting pretty

      I'm a thinker, you know what I mean
      And I do my inspired turn with my notebook
      Yes, with my notebook, with my notebook
      Yes, I do my calculations in my notebook

      I'm too brainy for your wars, too brainy to make war
      Don't know what it's for
      And I'm too brainy for my skull, too brainy for my skull
      Why do you think I went bald?

      I'm too brainy for Lord Vet, too brainy for Lord Vet
      Poor Patrician, poor Havelock
      I'm too brainy for my books, too brainy for my books
      Librarian's going to punch me

      And I'm too brainy for this Disc!


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      For Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork


      Ankh is bigger
      Bigger than Sam Vimes, and Vimes is not me
      The plots that I will go through
      The Dark Clerks in my pay
      I never say too much, just set them up

      That's me in the Palace, kept out of the spotlight: Ruling Politician
      Trying to stay Number One, and I can keep the city running
      I never say too much - and mimes don't say enough
      I thought that I heard Assassins, I thought Drumknott let some in
      I think he thought that I can't die...

      Every whimper in every scorpion pit, "Damned Ruling Politician!"
      I try to keep an eye on you
      Beggars, Seamstresses and Fools
      I never say too much, just wind you up

      Consider me: the Scourge of the War of Leshp
      Consider me: the Gonne that brought me to my knees failed
      Those secret societies
      Come flailing around
      Still, I don't say too much
      I thought that I heard some Klatchians, or Dungeon Dimensions din
      I think they thought they might slip by

      But that was just their scheme, that was just their scheme
      That's me in the Palace, that's me in the hot seat
      Ruling as Patrician...

      End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 4
      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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