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WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2006 -- PART 2 OF 4 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2006 -- PART 2 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 5) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady Anaemia
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 4, 2006
      WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2006 -- PART 2 OF 4 (continued)


      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      This month, as Spring rumbles to sap-pumping wakefulness in the
      civilised world and the fabled Continent of XXXX is in full-on summer
      party mode, we turn to the exploration of how the stars affect our
      social calendars. Yes, it's true; month by month, your Sign dictates
      just what sorts of social engagements will turn out best for you, or
      at least, least disastrous. This can be very handy as an excuse for
      declining unsuitable appointments: "It's written in the stars that I
      absolutely *must* wash my hair next Saturday, whether I need to or
      not!" Of course, the downside is that your stars might show that you
      simply *daren't* miss your great-aunt Petrolena's milkman's eldest
      daughter's third child's christening. Ah well, if so then let's hope
      said milkman's daughter is a recent convert to the Church of Bilious!
      Right, then, off you get. Go forth, read your horoscope, and party


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Recommended: Weddings
      Best to avoid: Military recruitment meetings (unless you're the

      All Hoggers know about the benefits of good organisation, and what
      better time to put your organisational skills to use than when
      planning a wedding? Of *course* it doesn't matter *whose* wedding
      you're planning; the couple has yet to betroth who won't be better
      off for your exacting directives, um, directions. Who needs wedding
      planners when there's a Hogger in the house? Don't forget to colour-
      coordinate the serviettes with the bridesmaids' dresses, or to
      see that the band follows your by-the-second timetable, or to ensure
      that the wedding vows are tidy and respectable with none of that
      newfangled not-agreeing-to-obey nonsense. Make sure you save up some
      of your best shouting techniques for the caterers and the mother of
      the bride. Do it right and the entire wedding party won't know what
      hit them until after the honeymoon! Well, actually, they will,
      because it will likely be you. Hoggers excel at starting wedding
      brawls. With *both* sides of the family.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Recommended: Stag Nights
      Best to avoid: Klatchian coffee mornings

      Speaking of weddings, no blushing bride need ever fear her intended
      not turning up at the temple on time when there's a Gahooligan
      involved in the groom's Stag Night! Gahooligans aren't exactly known
      for being the life of the party. In fact, they're more often the
      death of the party, or at least the afterlife that skulks around the
      outer edges of the crowd, distributing Fresh Start pamphlets while
      everyone else's eyes are glued to Miss Veronique Va Voom and her
      Seven (but rapidly decreasing in number) Veils. Fine for some, but
      you already know how it feels to have your eyes glued. And this "last
      night of free life" lark is overrated: the only freedom, really, is
      the freedom of postvitality. Of course, you could always try stapling
      on your happy face and having some fun for a change. Come on, who's
      the last person who ripped *your* clothes off, apart from that cute
      mortuary assistant?


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Recommended: Barn dances
      Best to avoid: Martial arts demonstrations

      Whether you're celebrating the end of harvest time, the dedication of
      the new village pump or just the opening of last week's vat of
      vintage scumble, a barn dance is the perfect place to let yourself go
      and dance, dance, dance. Hernians may tend to uncertainty, but you're
      always among friends at a barn dance. Spend some time practising some
      well-loved country dances. Try your hand at baking scones. If you go
      into the evening with a good heart, you may find that people look on
      you in a new light, and your dance card will be full until dawn! No
      need to practise the Last Waltz though; you'll find that one comes
      naturally. Beware strange men bearing sparkly dresses, smelling of
      lilies and sounding like maracas.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Recommended: Wine tastings
      Best to avoid: Get-fit classes

      Wine, the elixir of life! So many vineyards' best to sample, so
      little time; that's why wine tastings are so popular. Not only do you
      get to sample the many delights of the noble grape, but you have to
      spit each sample out again, so you can spend far more time
      socialising - and eating canapes - before the floor rises to meet
      you. Ahh, the canapes...bivalves a la Genuenne en croute...little
      cubes of Lancre Blue...delicate bites of squishi...bite-sized Bonk
      blutwursts...and then there's the wines, from Vieux River champagne
      to the finest fortified Quirmian cabbage cordials. Do be careful at
      reannual tastings, however. You could end up with the worst mixed-
      alcohols hangover long after you've forgotten which octacongeners to
      watch out for.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Recommended: Pub crawls
      Best to avoid: Temperance Society meetings

      My dear Bilians, we've been down this road before...and we'll no
      doubt go down it again, in the usual full morning-after technicolour.
      This, then, is a good time to point out that pub crawls do have their
      own special etiquette. There's the ceremonial Stringing of the House
      Keys (around your neck, so you can get in when the night-cart pours
      you out at your front door); the time-honoured Ritual of Pre-apology
      (leaving some damages money with your designated staggerer helps);
      the Donning of the Fishermen's Oilskins (serious pub-crawlers know
      that this saves on laundry bills); and of course the Sacred Chant of
      "It's my shout!" (so you can remain a functioning member of the party
      long after your higher cognitive functions have shut down in horror).
      If you follow these guidelines, you may have an especially good time,
      even if you won't remember it any better than usual afterwards!


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Recommended: Birthday celebrations
      Best to avoid: Backstreet gambling sessions

      Mubboons tend to be the perfect birthday party guests: the typical
      Mubboon is kind, honest, lacking in pretentiousness, unsophisticated
      - in other words, just the right sort to find enjoyment in singing
      silly celebratory songs, playing embarrassingly childish party games,
      creating a fire hazard with half-blown-out candles and taking far too
      much delight in humorously shaped birthday cakes. Oh, and wearing
      ridiculous paper hats. And I can see that you're already panting with
      excitement and checking your calendars in the hope that someone close
      to you will be celebrating a birthday this month. If you find
      yourself short of birthday celebrants, you could always try getting
      together with some Gahooligan friends and throwing a deathday party.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Recommended: Funerals
      Best to avoid: Invitations to go hang-gliding

      As has often been observed, it takes a Boring'un to put the fun back
      into funerals. As it happens, that observation is entirely untrue,
      but funerals certainly *are* the right sort of get-together for those
      born under this Sign. No true Boring'un can tolerate adventure,
      excitement, risk-taking or loud noises, and a funeral rarely has any
      of these. Funerals, apart from being, well, as quiet as the grave,
      are so reassuringly, undemandingly final (except in the cases of some
      Wizards, most Vampires, and quite a lot of Gahooligans); best of all,
      they're a very real reminder that the deceased is one more being who
      will never again burden you with social engagements! So off you go,
      with a suitably sombre outfit, a sombrely serious face, and a secret
      song in your still-beating heart. Enjoy.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Recommended: Random spur-of-the-moment inadvisable interactions with
      total strangers
      Best to avoid: Gatherings of Thudmeisters

      Andies come in two flavours: lovers and fighters. All right, *three*
      flavours, because some of you Andies are worryingly good at combining
      the two. Many of you will remember the famous "wrestler d'amour",
      Casanolda the Magnificent, who was born under Androgyna Majestis and
      whose most famous show-stopper was his all-in tag team bout with two
      pole-dancing- um, sorry, I got a bit distracted there. Yes. Loving
      and fighting, those are your strong points, and this is a good month
      for seeking out those singles bars and tough-neighbourhood street
      corners you never tried before. True love is elusive, but there's
      many a plausible imitation to be had in random anonymous meetings,
      especially out in the back alley behind Mrs Palm's...and nothing, er,
      nothing *else* can put a healthy glow on an Andy's cheeks like a
      good brawl. The choice is entirely yours!


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Recommended: Soirees
      Best to avoid: Book signings

      Soirees. Cocktail parties. Fondue evenings. Happy Hours. Call them
      what you will, these sunset-lit social events are your kettle of
      lobsters this month. Now is the time to make the rounds, flaunt the
      fripperies, flash the frocks fantastic, and broach new benchmarks in
      the fatuous folderol of glamorous gossip and scandalous small talk!
      No event is too minor, no ceremonial celebration too pointless for
      the attentions of you large-living Footys. Have you been accused of
      being willing to "attend the opening of an envelope"? Prove them
      right by popping along to Mr von Lipwig's drinks evening to honour
      the issuing of the new Quirm Real stamps. Test your new wheel of
      Sto Helit Farmhouse Runny at a cheese 'n' wine fiesta. Seek any
      opportunity to display your festive Footy fashion sense. Every soiree
      will be your little triumph. Absolutely fabulous, darling.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Recommended: Harvest or Planting festivals
      Best to avoid: Gytha Ogg's cookery classes

      It's that time of year again! The time when maidens run friskily and
      young men get their bells and hankies out and all sorts of innocent-
      looking things and activities take on sudden cartloads of double -
      and single - entendres. Hokians, though sometimes shy, also tend to
      be magically adept, and this is certainly your month for casting the
      sort of spells that would make anyone but an Ogg blush. Polish those
      Maypoles. Oil those threshers. Study the dark and amorous secrets of
      *both* Morris dances. Run with the horned stag ("horned" being
      pronounced with two syllables here) and dance sky-clad under the -
      why, hello, Mistress Weatherwax! Lovely to see you here! I'd quite
      forgot you were born under Hoki. Move along, readers, nothing to see
      here. Of *course* we can't be having with that sort of thing.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Recommended: Baby showers
      Best to avoid: A day at the races

      Before the patter of little feet comes the patter of large amounts of
      coinage. It's no cheap or easy thing to bring up a child in today's
      modern society, so isn't it a good thing that baby showers are so
      lucrative, um, forward-looking? This month, make your friends' or
      relatives' baby showers Events to Remember. Come dressed in nappies.
      Bring the kinds of gifts that a child will find truly useful further
      down the Road of Life - why bother with the same old pink and blue
      knitted booties, cot blankets and playsuits shaped like humorous
      bunnies, when you could give gifts like cottage-thatching lesson
      vouchers, cookery books**, football boots, pre-paid medical care
      under the new Lawn Plan, even some of Mr Sonky's finest rubber goods
      ...believe me, when those children grow up you'll be top of their
      "people to help" list during hard times. Be original!

      ** But *not* Mrs Ogg's Joye of Snacks, unless you're definitely
      including the rubber goods.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Recommended: Anniversary parties
      Best to avoid: A night at the opera

      And so we come to the last Sign, and it looks like you Umbragians got
      the boring end of the stick: anniversary parties. But they don't have
      to be boring! Anniversary parties may traditionally be about bad
      calamari, drunken uncles, doddering grandparents and Black Uberwald
      Gateau, but there are many far more interesting anniversaries you
      could choose to celebrate. There's the anniversary of the founding of
      Unseen University. There's the anniversary of the passing of the
      Golem Rights Act. There's the anniversary of the explosion of Old
      Humbert, the B.S. Johnson-designed Different Engine at Grabpot
      Thundergust's cosmetics factory. There are anniversaries of nations
      and of the births of demigods and of natural disasters and even
      anniversaries of the unfortunate demise of the favourite pet vermine
      you kept rather inattentively as a child. Every day is a day of
      remembrance for *something*, so find yourself something truly
      amusing to celebrate. After all, someday you'll be that doddering
      grandparent and you won't remember what the Black Uberwald Gateau
      is meant to celebrate.

      End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 4
      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...

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