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WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2006 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2006 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady Anaemia
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 28, 2006
      WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2006 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)


      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      Hello again, my dear denizens of Zodiac land! This month, as we draw
      near to the Roundworld festival of love and romance, my good friend
      Count Giamo Casanunda has kindly offered me some tips on the arcane
      arts of love which I shall now pass on to all you prospective swains
      and swainesses. I can guarantee you from personal experience that
      those tips of his work very - what? What do you mean, what's that
      interesting-looking bruise on my - oi! Back off, sunshine! It's the
      cold showers for you! Now behave yourselves and read your


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      They say that music is the food of love. That's largely true - though
      Mrs Ogg would of course point out that the food of love is also
      carrot and oyster pie, or chocolate surprise with special sauce - and
      although Hoggers tend to prefer music of the martial kind, this month
      would be a good time to practice those gentler strains. Why not dust
      off that old lute in the attic and give it a go? Tossing a few coins
      to your neighbourhood minstrel for some pointers wouldn't go amiss,
      nor would a sacrifice to Reg, god of musicians. Songs about flowers
      and May mornings are a winner; songs about hedgehogs are *not*
      recommended, unless you happen to be one of those kinky types who
      dress up in animal costumes and meet up in darkened... um, forget I
      said that...songs about hedgehogs are *not* recommended, unless your
      beau happens to be into that sort of thing.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Say it with flowers (or, if you're of the silicaceous persuasion, say
      it with ooograh). It's amazing how a posy of even the simplest blooms
      of the field can melt a maiden's heart; if you don't believe me, ask
      King Verence of Lancre. If you do want to go a bit upmarket, exotic
      flowers are great, erm, persuaders -- however, avoid the carnivorous
      varieties and especially avoid Wahoonie blossoms, no matter what
      Herkulous "No-nose" Peaseblossom, the notorious Florist of Gleam
      Street, tries to tell you. Young ladies who follow the modern fashion
      of giving flowers to young men are advised to not give roses,
      petunias or pansies, as these can give a rather mixed message. For
      best results have your floral gift blessed by a priestess of
      Sessifet, Goddess of the Afternoon.


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      The art of conversation can be a powerful tool in the would-be wooer,
      and has the advantage of gentleness. Who would woo would woo well
      with well-chosen words; the most innocent of conversations -- about,
      say, the progress of the new Quirm floral clock extension or the
      pleasantness of the recent weather or how there are so few
      perpetrators of street theatre due to the efficacy of the Patrician's
      prudent public policies -- can be deftly turned to subjects of a more
      personal nature! In fact, if you converse pleasantly and
      interestingly enough, the object of your amour might even be moved to
      suggest taking *you* to dinner! Best bet for your sacrifice this
      month: Loquacius, small god of orators.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your celestial tips this month are about food - not as if that's any
      surprise to you Staffies! And no, it's not just about the carrot and
      oyster pie. When it comes to overtures romantic, few things can beat
      a candlelit dinner with your best china, cut-crystal glasses, fine
      linen napkins, and an exquisitely prepared, lovingly served four-
      course meal. I know that for those of you of the wizardly persuasion,
      four courses may seem like a mere warm-up for a main snack, but do
      remember that being over-full interferes with the, you know,
      postprandial hijinks. Not that you wizards care about that sort of
      thing, eh...for those on a limited budget, slip Sham Harga a few
      shillings to set up his least filthy table in the back of the House
      of Ribs. Chip-shop takeaways will *not* win fair maids.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      "Usque ad mortem per bibendum", as it says on the altar of Eructa,
      minor Goddess of the Tired and Emotional! A good drink loosens the
      inhibitions, gilds the tongue, brightens the outlook, and
      incidentally makes the toothless, odoursome and unsavoury look like
      the well and truly favoured of the gods. Exotic liqueurs can smooth
      the path to romance like nobody's business; thy something like
      Ancient Walnut Vodka Supreme or Genuine Genuan Cordial Passionelle.
      Bearhugger's famous Lochan Bloody Nora is another good choice - it
      packs a kick like a gastritic hippopotamus, though, so be warned that
      while your intended may swoon in your arms, getting to the next step
      could involve Igor-strength heart stimulants. Avoid scumble at all
      costs. It may be mostly apples, but there's nothing romantic about
      its effects. Oh, and don't forget to pack the hangover cures before
      you go a-hunting!


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      The giving of love tokens is an (artful) way to show your heart's
      desire to the desired heart (not that anyone much, apart from Mrs
      Drull, werewolves of Uberwald, and various Igors actually *desire*
      hearts; the rest of us desire... other things). Diamonds may be a
      girl's best friend, but even lowly Ankhstones, tastefully gift
      wrapped, can result in a notable increase in friendliness. So when
      you set out to win hearts (and... other things), remember this: the
      bling's the thing to bring and sling. Pearls on a string make hearts
      go zing and ting-a-ling; a gilded ring? - to you they'll cling; when
      bling you swing, love will take wing and sing, and cling! - so
      springs a fling. Schwing!


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      It's not *quite* true that another name for Boring 'uns is
      "wallflowers", but we all know that those of you born under this sign
      are, well, less suited to the more, erm, energetic pressing of suits.
      So you'll need to start gently with the genteel art of friendship.
      First step: a sacrifice to Makko, the God of Confidence, and to Herne
      the Hunted (who, after all, looks after small, frightened creatures).
      Next, use your inborn ability for being unthreatening and sympathetic
      to become unthreatening and sympathetic. Be a good listener. Lend
      money readily and be slow to ask for repayment. Show willing to be
      awakened in the wee hours to provide a shoulder for crying on. Soon
      you'll have a bevy of desirables flocking to you. Of course, they'll
      only want you as a friend, but you're used to disappointment.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Art: a great tool with which to ~cough cough~ draw an intended
      lover's eye! Many people underestimate the erotic power of even
      "polite" Art (though the sort of people who write letters of
      complaint to the Times are not among them...), but even the sight of
      a well-rendered pastoral scene or beautifully composed Still Life
      with Fruit can charm and captivate a swainabee's loved one. And if
      it's a fast track to va-va-voom you want, there's no shortage of
      proudly erotic Art in Ankh-Morpork! You could even try your own hand
      at doing Art - the traditional starving artist, complete with smeared
      palette, paint-spattered smock and absentminded expression, is a
      popular one in the romance stakes. Remember, Art imitates Life...
      although it's not compulsory to, f'rinstance, cut your arms off.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Grand gestures are the stuff of legendary loves, and my little-but-
      large-in-experience source assures me that a little gallantry goes a
      long way in the wooing industry. So you Footys would do well to
      practise those memorable courtly gestures! On rainy days this month,
      be sure to wear your second-best cloak so you can handily drape it
      across puddles for distressed maidens and slipper'd queens (forget
      about *maiden queens*; they're rare these days and thus disinclined
      to let commoners suck their toes). Carve your initials together with
      your sweetheart's on a corner of the Patrician's palace (beware those
      patrolling Dark Clerks though). Skywriting love-notes is always
      good, but I hear Buggy Swires is charging double for that these days,
      and Hamish Mac Feegle can't spell, so you might have to get, um
      creative. Can I interest you in an albatross?


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Oh, for those honeyed words of love! And what words be more honeyed
      than those of a lovesick poet? It's hard for a girl to resist being
      favourably compared to a summer's day, or for a chap not to soften
      when described as noble-brow'd and mighty-thew'd (especially if he's
      the son of a rural provisions merchant). You don't even have to write
      your own poetry; mark well the tale of Cyanide de Bungee-Wrecke, who
      won the heart of his beloved Moxine by miming under her window to
      poems recited by his Bardic friend. If you lack a handy Bard, try
      that nice Mr Dibbler in Sator Square - he's offering a knock-down
      price this month on slightly used sonnets. Or if you suffer from
      shyness, try the new Gallmark clacks service: modern love poems
      delivered to your sweetie's door for only a dollar each. You know it
      makes sense!


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      If you genuinely want to score, erm, win yourself a true love this
      month, why not go on a Quest? Quests have all the sexy stuff: danger,
      adventure, romance, excitement, magic (often with a "k"), enchanted
      swords, Grails, meddlesome wizards, Dark Lords, barbarians, rightful
      Kings, witches, fell Demons, treasure hoards, the occasional geas,
      and sometimes even dragons! And travel; you can combine your hols
      with your heroism. Another advantage (apart from the winning-your-
      true-love bit) is that if you survive your Quest you'll never have to
      pay for another round in your life. But beware those really long
      Quests...though of course if you stay away from Civilisation for long
      enough, even the Orcs start looking fanciable.

      Note: if your Quest involves the slaying of dragons, on no account do
      it at or near the Sunshine Sanctuary. The Vimeses will be bloody


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      And so we come at last to the greatest sweetheart-magnet of all:
      money. Money! Show them the money! Whoever said money can't buy love
      never lived in a town with a branch of the Seamstresses' Guild.
      However...of course, money alone isn't enough; it's about how you
      earn it and how you spend it (and do take care not to fall in love
      with your money yourself! Coins can't kiss you goodnight). Successful
      beings of all genders and species always attract admirers (they
      attract gold-diggers too, but as long as your gold-diggers are
      bearded and under three-foot-six they won't likely break your heart).
      Making your fortune in enterprises involving daring is a good idea -
      there's always an opening for a *successful* pirate captain or
      gentleperson-thief. Or you could make a killing in the futures
      market, although that does involve a lot of late nights and freezing
      cold warehouses. Try to avoid anything *too* risky; after all, you
      want to stay alive to enjoy the relationship.

      End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3
      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...

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