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WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 3) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 30, 2005
      WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)

      ====Part 3


      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Disaster to beware: blizzard

      A full-blown blizzard is Nature's equivalent of a rowdy block party.
      When all the winter elements combine, the result is a beast that's
      part hurricane, part tornado, part avalanche, part hailstorm and all
      ornery. Unwary visitors to blizzard country are frequently found,
      when the spring thaw comes, as rather large icicles less than four
      feet from the privy. But how can you tell when an ordinary, dusts-the
      -landscape-charmingly-with-pretty-white-powder snowfall is likely to
      become a blizzard? Well, if you open your front door and get pelted
      with what feels like a whole herd of Special Snowballs**, the best
      plan is to hope that you've laid in enough root vegetables to last
      you until springtime. Beware: blizzards can bring out your Inner
      Cannibal. Or your mother-in-law's. Suggested sacrifices to: Brasbal
      and Frosantit, Hublandish twin gods of ice and snow. Well really,
      any Hublands or Chimeran gods will do the trick here. You might also
      try invoking the Ice Giants.

      ** the ones with the cleverly concealed rocks in the centres


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Disaster to beware: heatwave

      It's funny how the first people to complain about cold winter weather
      are so often the first to complain about summer heat! A true heatwave
      is no laughing matter, though. Road paving melts - *people* melt! -
      the young, the old and the sick collapse even faster than usual, and
      all trollish business comes to a stony end for the duration. Heat
      waves are no respecter of the high and mighty, either. Do you have
      any idea how difficult it is to rule a city-state when your black
      robes are stifling? One good thing about heat waves is that the crime
      rate goes down (good news because the Watchmen are too heat-exhausted
      to chase criminals anyway). Another is that the female clothing ratio
      also goes down, although the sight of large matrons wearing very
      little can also cause fainting. The best way to ride out a heat wave
      is in a nice cool pole-dancing club; at least the dancers won't be
      complaining about having to take their clothes off for strangers.
      Suggested sacrifices to: Thrrp, Charioteer of the Sun; Scrab, Pusher
      of the Ball of the Sun; Cubal, just to be safe.

      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Lady Asterisk. If she's in a good mood,
      she may even answer them.


      This month's book is "THUD" and completion of the puzzle
      will reveal who was the True King of the Dwarfs at the time
      of the Battle of Koom Valley.


      Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
      the spot shown. Read the letters backwards and find
      out the name of the True King of the Dwarfs.
      (Note: all spellings are from the 2005 HarperCollins edition.)
      Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
      ANSWER: Terry = T
      1. A-M Government Inspector of the Watch
      (2nd name, 1st initial)
      2. Guide to Koom Valley (3rd word, 5th letter)
      3. Nobby's new girlfriend (1st name, 2nd letter)
      4. Chief Deep-Down Liaison with World Above
      (1st name, 3rd letter)
      5. Artist who painted "The Battle of Koom Valley"
      (1st name, 5th letter)
      6. Vimes Dis-Organizer Imp (1st name, 2nd letter)
      7. "Daylight Face" for Deep-Down Dwarfs in A-M
      (1st name, 3rd letter)
      8. Carrot's dwarf name (2nd name, 1st letter)
      9. Mystical warning of dread things to come
      (3rd word, 8th letter)
      10. The Low King (1st name, 1st letter)
      11. An influential dwarf whose death creates a
      problem for A-M (last name, 1st letter)
      12. Diamond King of the Trolls (1st name, 1st letter)

      /__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = True King of the Dwarfs
      1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
      Puzzle solution will appear next month.

      1. Opposite of the speed of light (3rd word, 1st letter)
      2. Element needed to make world-bearing turtles (4th letter)
      3. Egregious Professor of Cruel & Unusual Geography
      (last name, 1st letter)
      4. The acne of young worlds (2nd letter)
      5. Real squash (1st word, 1st letter)
      6. A quality that does not let catastrophe get it down.
      (4th letter)
      7. Element needed to make world-bearing elephants
      (7th letter) ELEPHANTIGEN = N
      8. Ponder's assistant (last name, 2nd letter)
      9. Scrolls found in cave by the Crustley Expedition
      (3rd word, 2nd letter) SCROLLS OF LOKO = O
      10. Element which may or may not still exist (1st letter)
      RUNIUM = R

      /D_/L_/R_/O_/W_/D_/N_/U_/O_/R_/ = UU Wizards' Project
      1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 = ROUND WORLD
      (from the August 2005 issue)

      1. What happens to a male troll when watching a troll stripper

      a) he listens to rock music and gets stoned
      *b) he goes wild when she puts on an overcoat
      c) his lichen begins to swell

      2. What is a Procrastinator?

      a) a wizard who lingers over breakfast until elevenses are served
      *b) a time-stretching machine used by the History Monks
      c) the opposite of an amateur crastinator

      3. Ronron Shuwadhi is better known on the Discworld as:

      a) the fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse
      b) Foul Ole Ron
      *c) the inventor of pizza

      4. What is Captain Findthee Swing's unusual hobby?

      a) collecting antique torture implements
      *b) measuring people's faces to determine their personalities
      c) grinding bones to make his bread

      5. The definition of Dolly Sisters:

      a) Dotsie and Sadie
      *b) a district in Ankh-Morpork
      c) founders of the Ecdysiasts' Guild

      6. What is Sergeant Jackrum's favourite saying?

      *a) "I'm not a violent man!"
      b) "A man's got to know where his socks are."
      c) "You're a big girl's blouse, Blouse."

      7. The family motto of Rudolph Potts of the Bakers' Guild is:

      a) Get your hands on my buns
      *b) Because I knead the dough
      c) Rising in the yeast

      8. The Rite of AshkEnte is performed with:

      *a) three small bits of wood and 4cc of mouse blood
      b) eight wizards, dribbly candles and a fresh egg
      c) a white sport-coat and a pink carnation

      9. The greatest danger whilst browsing in the UU Library is:

      a) being hit by ricocheting .303 bookworms
      b) slipping on banana peels
      c) being read by the books
      *d) all of the above

      10. The Necrotelicomnicon is also known as:

      a) De Mysteriis Vermis
      *b) Liber Paginarum Fulvarum
      c) the Bumper Fun Grimoire

      11. A Bledlow is:

      a) a lobster that dwells near the Circumfence
      *b) a Unseen University porter
      c) an embarrassing facial disfigurement as seen on Nobby Nobbs

      12. What is the correct name for the inhabitants of Llamedos?

      *a) Llamedese
      b) Llamedosians
      c) Llamas
      d) Miserable old rock-fondling Druids

      13. Who invented the Discworld's first flushing toilet?

      a) Thomas Crapper
      *b) Sir Charles Lavatory
      c) Achmed al-Khazi

      14. Which of the following is *not* an ingredient of Wow-Wow Sauce?

      a) grated wahoonie
      *b) Higgs and Meakins chocolate
      c) sulphur

      15. Who was the last King of Ankh-Morpork?

      a) Mad Lord Snapcase
      b) Grimnir the Impaler
      *c) Lorenzo the Kind

      End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 4
      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...

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