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WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2005 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2005 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ==== Part 4 14) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 1, 2005
      WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2005 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)
      ==== Part 4


      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      Well, my dear Zodiac-ettes, it's another poetry month! Sessifet,
      Goddess of the Afternoon, has decided to favour my Muse, and you'll
      just have to suffer, hat hat hat. But in the spirit of horoscopy (not
      to be confused with horology, which isn't at all what it sounds like)
      I've chosen poetry to honour a famous Discworldian of each Sign. Some
      of these poems may bear a certain resemblance to pieces of Roundworld
      music with rocks in; feel free to sing along with any you recognise.
      Be warned that the one for Hoki may require an alarming amount of
      lung power; I suggest you see Archchancellor Ridcully for breath
      control lessons.


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      For Sergeant Jackrum, a big man under the Hedgehog

      Gather 'round, my little lads
      My sons, for you're as much as
      A soldier's life awaits you now
      Sign here, and kiss the Duchess
      Gather 'round, my little lads
      The future's looking rosy
      A swagger and a pair of socks
      Will keep your trousers cosy

      My oath, I'm not a violent man
      Though I've seen battles many
      With macho milit'ry men whose Mums
      Once named them Priss or Jenny
      Superior officers I've dragged
      For miles, to save their bacon
      Soft women's clothes *I've* never worn
      But, for my lads, I've taken

      So gather 'round, my little lads
      The first one's on the house
      Get shaved, and then we'll hit the pub
      Last one's a big girl's Blouse!


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      For C.M.O.T. Dibbler, entrepreneur and Gahooligan

      I burn my candle at both ends
      It will not last the night
      But look you on my wares, good friends
      And buy! The price is right!

      I've everything you need or want
      Come here and take a look!
      Some "special" orders? Easy! (Those
      I'll get by hook or crook)

      I've sausages and buns, the best
      That Sator Square can boast
      I've figgins, only two weeks old
      (They soften when you toast)

      I've magic books from old U.U.
      Such knowledge should be shared!
      (Oh yes, they're badgered, wolved and foxed -
      (But only *slightly* beared)

      Perhaps some saucy postcards? Psst!
      They're here inside my coat
      Just tenpence each, these treasures - and
      That's cutting my own throat!


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      For the Abbot of the History Monks, often born under Herne

      I am just an Abbot and my story's often told
      I have re-lived my existence
      For a pocketful of bikkits and a nice 'lephant
      I never jest
      Still, Lu-Tze hears what he wants to hear
      And sweeps away the rest, hmmm, wannnawannapotty!

      Asking only for some pablum, I come back to do my job,
      But I get no Offlers
      Just the strangest looks from Death each time I'm passing through
      I do declare, I would rather be a Yeti
      't least I'd get to keep my hair
      Lai la lai lai, lai la lai wannawannabikkit!

      Lai la lai, waah! waah! Lai la lai lai wanna nap!
      Lai la lai, waah! waah! Lai la lai lai lai la waah, burp me now...


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      For Nanny Ogg, who knows all there is to know about knobs.

      There was an old lady of Lancre
      For bags of spare cash she did hanker
      She wrote a cook-book
      So successful, it took
      Strong salts to revive her poor banker.

      This tome, which outsold all competers
      Inflamed the community leaders
      Her "harmless cook-book"
      Was so racy, it took
      Strong salts to revive her male readers.

      Her pudding was rather surprising
      Her oyster pie, quite catalysing
      The hausfraus of Ankh
      Have old Nanny to thank
      When their husbands find some things...arising.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      For Dr Dinwiddie, Bursar of UU, born under Bilious.

      They're coming to give me dried frogs, ha ha!
      They're coming to give me dried frogs!
      My madness encumbers
      But I'm good with numbers
      They're coming to give me dried frogs!

      They're locking me in Room 3b, ha ha!
      They're locking me in Room 3b!
      My condition's worser
      I'm totally Bursar
      They're locking me in Room 3b!

      They're taking me in to see Hex, ha ha!
      They're taking me in to see Hex!
      If he can't compute me
      He'll thaumic-reboot me
      They're taking me in to see Hex!


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      For Sergeant Colon, the Watch's best Mubboon.

      Some people call me the time-waster
      Some people call me the Watchman of Ankh
      Some people call me "fat sergeant"
      Cos I'm built like an armour-plated tank
      People laugh about me
      Say I'm getting it wrong, getting it wrong
      Well, don't you worry, Nobby, don't worry
      Cause I'm right here, guarding the Brass Bridge all night long

      Cause I'm a slacker, slumpie-packer
      Like a bear when knackered
      Takin' all that I can cadge
      I'm a bodger, I'm a codger
      I'm a danger-dodger
      Just a blackguard with a badge, oooh

      That's the sweetest chair that I ever did see,
      I really love the Watch House, want to drink some tea
      Lovin' dog-ends, lovin' dog-ends all the time
      Ooeee Nobby, someone else can stop crime!


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      For Rincewind, a Boring'un if ever there was...

      Beware - if you care
      To keep your face fair -
      The Beings from the Dungeon Dimensions
      They're twisted and odd
      They're after your bod
      With naught but the worst of intentions

      Be fleet on your soles
      Should they come through holes
      Or leaks in Reality's gizzard
      A half-brick (in sock)
      Will give them a shock
      Especially if you're a Wizzard!


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      For the ever so majestic Dean of Unseen University

      Sing Yo! for the life of a Dean!
      Sing Yo! for the life of a Dean!
      I don't much mind if the other wizards laugh
      'Cos I've got a knob enormous on my nice big staff!

      Sing Yo! for the life of a Dean!
      Sing Yo! for the life of a Dean!
      I don't much care if I'm slow and fat,
      'Cos I've got a lot of sigils on my pointy hat!

      Sing Hut! for the life of a Dean!
      I'm rough and I'm tough and I'm mean!
      And I'll have a little snack, maybe a goose and some pork pies and
      Second Breakfast and Elevenses and, oh, another little snack just to
      tide me over in the hours between!


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      For Seldom Bucket, famous Footy and cheesemaker.

      Twas opera, and the smarmy choir
      Did gripe and grumble in the wings
      All starving were the ballet girls
      As the fat lady sings.

      Beware the Opera Ghost, old son!
      The murd'rousness, the manic laugh
      Beware the plainclothes cop, and shun
      The canapes - they're naff.

      She took her part-time cat in hand
      Long time the agile Ghost they sought
      Then Greebo sprang as the singers sang
      And mrrow! The Ghost was caught!

      "And hast thou pawed the Opera Ghost?
      "Come to my arms, you soft old thing!
      "O Disc-ous joy! Champagne ahoy!"
      And the fat lady sings.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      For Lord Hong, a noted (late) Hokian.

      I am the very model of a modern mad Grand Vizier
      My enemies are busy plotting plots, but I am busier
      I know the Art of War, and lots of hist'ry Anhk-Morporkian
      I even have a full tradit'nal cossie I look dorky in

      I'm very well acquainted, too, with murders quite artistical
      My knowledge of applying poison's positively mystical
      About schemes dark and dirty I'm extremely savoir-faireian
      I surely can't be bested by some pension-age barbarian!

      "He surely can't be bested by some pension-age barbarian!"

      I'm very good at origami and exquisite cruelty
      I know what evil lurks, no person *civilised's* yet fooled me
      In short, although my schemes are getting dafter yet and dizzier
      I am the very model of a modern mad Grand Vizier!

      "He is the very model of a modern mad Grand Vizier!"


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      For Angua von Uberwald, Gazundian of the Watch

      I come home in the full moonlight
      Carrot says, "When you gonna live your life right?"
      My muzzle's full, so I can only say "Grrr!"
      Cos girls just want to have fur
      Oh girls, they want to have fur.

      The Watch calls in the middle of the night
      Captain yells, "Why'd you give Lord Rust such a fright?"
      Oh Carrot dear, don't you call me a cur
      Cos girls just want to have fur
      Oh girls just want to have fur.

      That's all we really want
      Soft fur
      When the tracking work is done
      Someone to comb out those burrs
      Cos girls just want to have fur,
      Were-girls just want to have fur.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      For B.S. Johnson, a fondly remembered Umbragian...not.

      Steam-driven shoehorns and exploding teapots
      Minuscule castles and city-sized whatnots
      Bows with iron bowstrings and forks with soft tines
      These are a few of my fav'rite designs

      Dangerous devices (with well-meant intentions)
      Plumbing that dips through the Dungeon Dimensions
      Unstable vats for reannual wines
      These are a few of my fav'rite designs

      When the mood strikes
      When my brain's bright
      When the bills are due
      I'll simply recycle my fav'rite designs
      And may the gods pity...you!


      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Lady Asterisk. If she's in a good mood,
      she may even answer them.


      This month's book is "THE SCIENCE OF DISCWORLD" 1 and
      completion of the puzzle will reveal the name of the UU wizards'
      Project to create an area where the laws of magic do not apply.


      Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
      the spot shown. Read the letters backwards and
      find out the name of the wizards' Project.
      (Note: all spellings are from the 1999 Ebury Press edition.)
      Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
      ANSWER: Terry = T

      ------------------------THE PUZZLE------------------------------------

      1. Opposite of the speed of light (3rd word, 1st letter)
      2. Element needed to make world-bearing turtles (4th letter)
      3. Egregious Professor of Cruel & Unusual Geography
      (last name, 1st letter)
      4. The acne of young worlds (2nd letter)
      5. Real squash (1st word, 1st letter)
      6. A quality that does not let catastrophe get it down.
      (4th letter)
      7. Element needed to make world-bearing elephants
      (7th letter)
      8. Ponder's assistant (last name, 2nd letter)
      9. Scrolls found in cave by the Crustley Expedition
      (3rd word, 2nd letter)
      10. Element which may or may not still exist (1st letter)

      /__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = UU Wizards' Project
      1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
      Puzzle solution will appear next month.


      1. What you call it when it's all swirly and chilly as hell.
      (word 2, 3rd letter) TRANS DIMENSIONAL FLUX = M

      2. A ship attractor. (word 2, letter 2) CARGO CULT = U

      3. Elves hate it. (letter 1) IRON = I

      4. A beautiful but vain, vapid and cruel race.
      (letter 3) ELVES = V

      5. A great writer produced by tampering with time.
      (letter 2, first name) WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE = I

      6. The first artist (5th letter, first name)

      7. DW's most competent witch. (3rd letter, title)

      8. Rincewind's main plan for dealing with problems.
      (word 1, first letter) RUN AWAY = R

      9. Number of buckets of coal delivered to Ponder Stibbons
      daily. (third letter) THREE = R

      10. Connects all books everywhere. (4th letter) L-SPACE = A

      11. Number of buckets of coal delivered to Rincewind daily.
      (5th letter) SEVEN = N

      /M_/U_/I_/V_/I_/T_/A_/R_/R_/A_/ N_/ = Secret DW ingredient
      1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 = NARRATIVIUM

      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      Copyright (c) 2005 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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