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WOSSNAME -- JULY 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- JULY 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 6) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 5 7:33 AM
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      WOSSNAME -- JULY 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 3

      6) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      This month's astral theme - Secrets, Lies and Clacks Flimsies - is a
      very up-to-the-minute one, inspired by the long-awaited release of a
      minor Roundworld book about the education of a young Wizzard.
      Watching the rumours, misdirection and "spoilage" fly has been rather
      entertaining, hasn't it? - so here are some hints about secrets your
      Signs will lead you to in the next month. As Mistress Ogg is fond of
      saying, a secret shared is a burden halved, and it doesn't half get
      the free drinks rolling! Do bear in mind, though, that on the Disc
      "spoilage" is something that happens to cheesemakers, pie sellers
      and costermongers, and "slash" is something one does with a sword
      for self-defence and *never* involves red-headed twins or saturnine
      Potions Masters...

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your temptation: when the Moon hits your eye like a stale Dibbler
      pie, you will come across a Clacks flimsy that came from Pseudopolis
      Yard (though how it comes into your possession, only the gods know).
      The message details a hot tip about the notorious Quirm Post Office
      Bandit - when he's likely to hole up in Ankh-Morpork, where he'll be
      staying, and the amount of loot he's likely to have with him. Your
      stars favour a trip to Ankh on that date. What do you do?

      My advice: tell no one, but hire yourself a local guide who will
      sort out all those fiddly details like your Thieves' Guild Visitor
      Voucher. And buy a new suitcase. One of those handy ones with
      hundreds of little legs and a boundless capacity for gold, silver,
      family heirlooms...

      Note: when an eel hits your eye *from* a stale Dibbler pie, that's a
      moray.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your temptation: a sojourn down Short Street on the 9th will lead you
      to an innocent-looking piece of paper advertising a meeting of the
      Koom Valley Re-enactment Society. When treated with wahoonie juice
      and held near an open flame, however, secret plans for a *real*
      battle to settle the score once and for all are revealed. The plans
      include an ambush of Chrysoprase's viewing party, so the Dwarfs are
      obviously Up To Something. What do you do?

      My advice: cut up your old copies of The Times and use various
      letters and words to compose an anonymous message to the Watch, then
      book that holiday in sunny Brindisi that you've always talked about.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Your temptation: a shopping receipt from your weekly sojourn to the
      Dwarf Quarter turns out to be someone else's - a tally of some
      extremely *personal* personal items ordered by the current Low King
      of the Dwarfs. These are the sort of personal items that, if made
      public, could cause a major schism in the entire Dwarf community.
      It's a perfect recipe for blackmail! What do you do?

      My advice: invest in Uberwald silver; there may a sudden closure of
      those new mines in the near future, and you'll be set to make a
      fortune from the rarity value. Alternatively, invest in cosmetics;
      there may be a sudden dramatic rise in sales to vertically
      challenged customers.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your temptation: during the next New Moon, in the Street of Small
      Gods, you will find a carelessly discarded contract from the Guild of
      Assassins, relating to a certain Disc-famed celebrity. Even more
      fascinating than the potential inhumee's name and price are the
      cautionary notes detailing some very...unexpected features and habits
      of said celebrity, all unknown to the admiring public. What do you
      do?

      My advice: under no circumstances should you try to use this
      information to get free drinks from student Assassins! Instead, make
      at least a dozen copies and hide them in really creative places. Then
      take that nice Lord Downey out for a drink at *your* expense. Think of it
      as insurance.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your temptation: when taking the curative waters of Bad Baden-Worse
      during the week of the 20th, you will discover complete instructions
      for performing the *other* Morris Dance, in plain language and
      including diagrams that could be easily followed even by teenage
      witch-wannabes in black lace and black eyeliner. Any unauthorised
      performance of that dance could unbalance the space-time
      continuinuinuum. What do you do?

      My advice: this is a job for a true professional. Learn to perform
      the Rite of AshkEnte - the egg and mouse blood version that can be
      done in any scullery, sans skulls and dribbly candles - and
      delegate, delegate, delegate!


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Your temptation: whilst dragging your luggage off the roof of the
      Ankh-Bonk weekly coach on the 11th, you come across a yellowed
      parchment envelope which turns out to contain a love letter from a
      Lady M of Uberwald. Its contents are, to put it mildly, astonishing,
      as they reveal a dark secret about the Patrician himself; a secret
      that could at the very least cause rather strained relations between
      the ruler of A-M and the Duke of Ankh. What do you do?

      My advice: you might want to consider turning this over to Drumknott.
      *After* hiring a very fast horse.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your temptation: during a stars-favoured cleanout of Room 3b at
      Unseen University on the Ides of next month, you discover a final
      exam results notification addressed to one M. Ridcully, which gives
      the real scores from his Doctor of Thaumology examination plus
      comments about young Ridcully's true level of magickal ability. What
      do you do?

      My advice: practice dodging very expertly aimed crossbow bolts and
      staff blasts, then demand that requisition for extra coal in your
      quarters and lecture room. You'll have a lovely warm winter.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your temptation: when picking up your laundry on the 22nd, you come
      across an Appointment Book belonging to the Guild of Seamstresses. It
      contains names and details that could blow Ankh society higher than
      the result of another explosion in Jimkin Bearhugger's distillery.
      You have a pretty good idea what The Times would pay you for even one
      page. What do you do?

      My advice: now is the time for a discreet trip to the Guild house in
      Sheer Street. You'll never again have to wonder what to get your
      brothers, uncles and other male relatives for birthday and Hogswatch
      presents - and it won't cost you a penny. Ever. Sometimes saving
      money is wiser than, erm, earning it.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your temptation: a spelunking expedition in the Ramtop foothills
      during Quarter-Moon sees you finding a Last Will and Testament of one
      C. Ironfoundersson. Apart from the usual (passing on his herrydeterry
      axe, hammer and helmet, ecksetra), there's a suspiciously large
      bequest to the Sanctuary for Lost and Homeless Lycanthropes. The A-M
      criminal element would love to know about that! What do you do?

      My advice: return the Will to Mr Ironfoundersson. Not only will you
      be quietly thanked for your honesty, but you might get a free tour of
      the fabled back room at the Dwarf Bread Museum. And no...animal will
      *ever* break into your henhouse and eat your chickens.

      p.s. Actually, as it's *his* will, that would be "Apart from the,
      usual..."

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your temptation: the Happy Families elixir you bought from a passing
      Lancre Witch doesn't appear to have worked. At Gibbous Moon, you take
      it to a nearby student wizard for analysis. It turns out to be a
      potion that can be used to open a portal to the Realm of the Elves.
      By coincidence, the stars favour a trip to your cousin in Lancre that
      very week...your cousin who thinks that Elves are really, really cool
      ...your cousin who always complains that life's far too boring. What
      do you do?

      My advice: put the bottle in a bag of rubbish and bury it at the
      bottom of the local tip. Then take your cousin for a nice exotic meal
      at the new KFC (Klatchian Fiery Cuisine) takeaway and remind her of
      the goings-on at the King's wedding. And forcibly remove her black
      eyeliner.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your temptation: on your way to make a sacrifice to Offler (on the
      propitious 26th), you overhear a conversation in a shadowed alleyway.
      According to one of the dialoguists, Queen Kelirehenna of Sto Lat is
      going to be assassinated by a cadre of Temporal Revisionists and
      replaced by a reanimated Duke of Sto Helit (courtesy of a cadre of
      Neck Romancers). This news could play havoc with the Sto Plains
      cabbage futures market and severly affect the A-M economy. What do
      you do?

      My advice: who ya gonna call? Susan Sto Helit. Not only is she
      politically involved here (whether she likes it or not), but she can
      deal with the problem in the, erm, family way. Sometimes what we
      inherit from our grandparents is more useful than vintage
      antimacassars.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your temptation: a dark-robed Figure strides past your window on the
      night of the 7+1th. When it's passed - and when you've crawled back
      out of the laundry cupboard - you notice a pale sparkle on the lawn
      and upon investigation, discover that it's a tiny golden lifetimer.
      Engraved with the words MR T. PRATCHETT, ROUNDWORLD. What do you do?

      My advice: don't even THINK about it.


      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Lady Asterisk. If she's in a good mood,
      she may even answer them.
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 4
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...






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