Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)

Expand Messages
  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 30, 2005
      WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)

      ====Part 3


      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      Now is the winter of our Disc-content, except in the top bits of
      Roundworld where the lucky buggers are having summertime. Either way,
      the Solstice has just passed, and with a full moon too, and we all
      know what *that* means: as the N'Tuitif tribesmen tell us, it means
      that a full moon has coincided with a Solstice, nowt more or less.
      Ah well, that's the price of being too literal - no romance. But the
      stars are full of romance this month. Could this be the month your
      Prince arrives? Or your Princess? Or both, for those of you with a
      tendency to be good at bargain hunting? Read on.


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      There's no love like careless love, and you Hoggers certainly know
      about carelessness! This month you'll have multiple opportunities for
      new-found romance as you trip up and stumble over dozens of members
      of the opposite sex at the Summer Proms or Winter Ball. Better still,
      you'll be subpoenaed by a most attractive personal-injury lawyer: do
      make the most of your time in court! This is also a good time to buy
      a new mattress, so as to avoid possibly embarrassing injuries to your
      newfound, erm, friends. While you're at it, may as well clean the
      attic and dig a new dunny. We all know you've been sweeping your way
      recklessly through the year, and 'twill soon be Hogswatch. Avoid
      spiral staircases and banananana peels; Friday the 13th comes on a
      Monday, Wednesday and Saturday this month.

      Romantic tip: try a dab of scumble behind the ears. Guaranteed to
      kill all known infections.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      May is gone and December is on its way now; a good month, therefore,
      to explore the exciting posibilities of age-gap romance, assuming
      that both you and your would-be romancee are *of* age, of course! Did
      you notice the way that middle-aged but still rather handsome eel
      seller has been looking at you on market days? The 27th is a good
      time to try getting your hands on his winkles - with a bit of luck
      (and Luck), the least you'll get is a fine bit of fish pie. Or how
      about that saucy young lady who works at the tailor's shop on Short
      Street and is *definitely* not a Seamstress? Play your cards right
      and you'll find yourself holding her mushroom before the week of the
      16th is out. Speaking of cards, Mrs Cake is giving discounts for
      Caroc readings this month: ten per cent off, or two free tea-leaf
      consultations. I suggest you go for it.

      Romantic tip: a bag of freshly toasted figgins is worth its weight
      in stolen kisses. *Freshly* toasted, mind you.


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Now your bold new Hernian confidence can win you the walking-out
      partner of a lifetime! Or at least a lunchtime. Yes, the stars are
      just right this month to favour love among the croutons. Take the
      object of your affections to lunch on the 11th or 19th and you may
      soon hear the dulcet tones of wedding bells, especially if you share
      that lunch near the Street of Small Gods. Remember, in June and Grune
      the gods smile upon weddings. A small sacrifice to Petulia, Goddess
      of Negotiable Affection, will discourage those so-unromantic
      prenuptial financial documents (or, if you're wealthy, encourage
      them), and also sacrifices to Lukar, Demigod of Small Change and to
      Saint Amaretti, patron saint of snacks taken in bed, will help to
      ensure a healthy, wealthy, stress-free union. For you Hernians of the
      Hublandish and Chimerian persuasions, the 22nd is the best time for
      ransacking, pillaging and most importantly, the carrying off of young
      nubile priestesses. Today's protesting vestigial virgin could be
      tomorrow's compliant drudge!

      Romantic tip: rinse your mouth with essence of hibiscus before that
      all-important first date. No, no, the phial *behind* the oil of


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      This month, your caring nature will lead you into the most satisfying
      of sensitive, tender romances. See all those fundraising dinners you
      took up attending last month? Well, if you keep your attendance up
      and look closely at your fellow carers-and-sharers, you're likely to
      spot more than a few *lonely* carers-and-sharers. In the second and
      third weeks of the month, try talking to some of those lonely ones. A
      quiet word about the dreadful state of women's rights in Borogravia
      ...a knowing nod when the subject of cruelty to dragons is on the
      agenda...a sympathetic squeeze of a forearm during that Campaign for
      Equal Heights demo...it could all add up to less loneliness and more,
      well, unilateral action. Jimi, God of Beggars, and Patina (Goddess of
      Wisdom) are your best bets for sacrifices on the 25th. If you need to
      show your caring side sooner to a potential co-carer, try burning a
      clacks message to Fedecks, Messenger of the Gods, on the 6th.

      Romantic tip: wear your second-best clothes when stepping out.
      Jackets with worn elbows, socks with obvious hand-darns and slightly
      shiny-seated trousers are favourite for showing your thriftiness and
      ecological concerns.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      The influence of Bilious will soon bring you the romance of your
      drams! Um, I mean dreams. No, wait, you're Bilians, so I was right
      the first time. True love waits in the Mended Drum, in the Troll's
      Head, in the Bucket, even in Biers...although there, true love is
      more likely to pounce upon you and sink its fangs into your throat.
      Take the time to stop smelling the alcohol fumes and look up instead
      from your glass; the next face you see might be that of your soulmate
      (or just the barman; then again, there are some fine-looking bar
      staff out there these days - sturdy, apple-cheeked Quirmian wine
      wenches; sun-bronzed, grinning Fourecksians financing their gap-year
      travels with a spot of bartending; young New Age vampires down from
      Uberwald more for the excitement than for the blood...). There's more
      to life than that next pint, so go live a little, love a little and
      try to avoid throwing up in your inamorata's potted aspidistra.

      Romantic tip: remember to bring along a waterproof bag and some lemon
      scented hankies. Better prepared than rejected!


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Do you believe in love? Of course you do, you're a gullible Mubboon.
      Why do fools fall in love? Because so many of them are born under
      Mubbo and thus congenitally incapable of Knowing Any Better. Does
      love make the world go around? Only if you've been drinking with one
      of those dodgy Bilians. Is it true that love is all you need? Only if
      you're a self-determined member of a workers' collective who live off
      the direct fruits of their labours on the land. Oh dear, you Mubboons
      do badly need some advice for the lovelorn, don't you? Try repeated
      sacrifices to Sessifet, Fate and the Lady. Or try one of those love
      potions the local hedge witch is so fond of hawking on market days.
      On no account declare your undying love for a member of the Guild of
      Seamstresses; they have splatters for that sort of thing.

      Romantic tip: be sure to invite a chaperone. Or a certified reader of
      body language. Or a practising headologist...a great help for
      avoiding embarrassing misunderstandings in the arena of love.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      You can't dance, you can't talk; the only thing about you is the way
      that you run away astoundingly quickly at the least sign of danger or
      excitement...yes, you Boring'uns don't have the greatest track record
      when it comes to love and relationships, do you? Though you can't all
      be *that* bad, or there wouldn't be any Boring'uns. Hmm, I must check
      my star charts to see which Signs are most likely to produce the
      parents of Boring'uns...maybe you're all flukes...no, there are many
      people who are attracted to Disc-class sprinters and distance runners
      - so there you go, you're in with a chance. This month, be sure to
      frequent athletics events (though not the ones where they throw those
      big, heavy, *dangerous* hammer wossnames) and keep-fit venues. After
      all, you want a loved one who can keep up with you when the going
      gets tough and the Boring'uns get going via the fastest escape route!

      Romantic tip: memorise some love poems. Handy for reciting on the


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      What a wonderful month this is for singles! And doubles! And
      threesom-, er, *other* romantic configurations! Yes, this is your
      finest hour for proving that two outta three ain't bad and that you
      would do anything for love (even though most of you won't do *that*).
      The 4th, 7th, 10th, 13th, 17th and the entire last week of the month
      are good times to look for love. Try attending one of the Duke of
      Eorle's famous balls (note the complete absence of the word "to"
      there), or consider mounting a rescue attempt in one of B. S.
      Johnson's mazes: there are always a few lost young singles trapped in
      the inner passages. You could also take up streaking at sporting
      events; while this may land you inthe scorpion pits, it also marks
      you as someone daring, unusual and, well, sporting. If all else
      fails, go to church - not *all* the vestigial virgins will have been
      swept away by marauding Hernians.

      Romantic tip: in olden days, a glimpse of stocking was considered
      fairly shocking; now it's much harder to manage that shock effect,
      but really, it's all down to where that glimpse can be had. Think
      about it.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      They say that Love is an er um female dog betimes, and for some of
      you Footys that's literal. For the rest of you, don't be put off by
      the ups and downs and the broken hearts (especially all you Igors,
      since you know that a broken heart is easily mended); go forth and
      win the heart of a fair maid or a stalwart lad (or Laddie)! Learning
      to cook exotic dishes is a good way to stir up potentially saucy
      encounters. Nanny Ogg's Cookbook is the best place to seek culinary
      knowledge, although her Chocolate Delight with Special Secret Sauce
      is not recommended for beginners...unless they want to be ex-
      beginners very, very quickly...flower arranging is also a good thing
      to learn, since bouquets melt hearts (though for Footy Trolls,
      brickbats do the job nicely). Make a sacrifice to Hoki the Jokester
      any time after the 12th, and avoid oysters, paradoxical as that
      seems; this being a month with no R in it, a case of food poisoning
      can cramp your wooing style somethin' awful.

      Romantic tip: picnics are cheap and cheerful, and tend to take place
      in usefully private areas. Beware of ants and crocodiles though.

      (continued on Part 4 of 4)
      End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 4
      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.