WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)
- WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)
YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
Now is the winter of our Disc-content, except in the top bits of
Roundworld where the lucky buggers are having summertime. Either way,
the Solstice has just passed, and with a full moon too, and we all
know what *that* means: as the N'Tuitif tribesmen tell us, it means
that a full moon has coincided with a Solstice, nowt more or less.
Ah well, that's the price of being too literal - no romance. But the
stars are full of romance this month. Could this be the month your
Prince arrives? Or your Princess? Or both, for those of you with a
tendency to be good at bargain hunting? Read on.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
There's no love like careless love, and you Hoggers certainly know
about carelessness! This month you'll have multiple opportunities for
new-found romance as you trip up and stumble over dozens of members
of the opposite sex at the Summer Proms or Winter Ball. Better still,
you'll be subpoenaed by a most attractive personal-injury lawyer: do
make the most of your time in court! This is also a good time to buy
a new mattress, so as to avoid possibly embarrassing injuries to your
newfound, erm, friends. While you're at it, may as well clean the
attic and dig a new dunny. We all know you've been sweeping your way
recklessly through the year, and 'twill soon be Hogswatch. Avoid
spiral staircases and banananana peels; Friday the 13th comes on a
Monday, Wednesday and Saturday this month.
Romantic tip: try a dab of scumble behind the ears. Guaranteed to
kill all known infections.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
May is gone and December is on its way now; a good month, therefore,
to explore the exciting posibilities of age-gap romance, assuming
that both you and your would-be romancee are *of* age, of course! Did
you notice the way that middle-aged but still rather handsome eel
seller has been looking at you on market days? The 27th is a good
time to try getting your hands on his winkles - with a bit of luck
(and Luck), the least you'll get is a fine bit of fish pie. Or how
about that saucy young lady who works at the tailor's shop on Short
Street and is *definitely* not a Seamstress? Play your cards right
and you'll find yourself holding her mushroom before the week of the
16th is out. Speaking of cards, Mrs Cake is giving discounts for
Caroc readings this month: ten per cent off, or two free tea-leaf
consultations. I suggest you go for it.
Romantic tip: a bag of freshly toasted figgins is worth its weight
in stolen kisses. *Freshly* toasted, mind you.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Now your bold new Hernian confidence can win you the walking-out
partner of a lifetime! Or at least a lunchtime. Yes, the stars are
just right this month to favour love among the croutons. Take the
object of your affections to lunch on the 11th or 19th and you may
soon hear the dulcet tones of wedding bells, especially if you share
that lunch near the Street of Small Gods. Remember, in June and Grune
the gods smile upon weddings. A small sacrifice to Petulia, Goddess
of Negotiable Affection, will discourage those so-unromantic
prenuptial financial documents (or, if you're wealthy, encourage
them), and also sacrifices to Lukar, Demigod of Small Change and to
Saint Amaretti, patron saint of snacks taken in bed, will help to
ensure a healthy, wealthy, stress-free union. For you Hernians of the
Hublandish and Chimerian persuasions, the 22nd is the best time for
ransacking, pillaging and most importantly, the carrying off of young
nubile priestesses. Today's protesting vestigial virgin could be
tomorrow's compliant drudge!
Romantic tip: rinse your mouth with essence of hibiscus before that
all-important first date. No, no, the phial *behind* the oil of
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
This month, your caring nature will lead you into the most satisfying
of sensitive, tender romances. See all those fundraising dinners you
took up attending last month? Well, if you keep your attendance up
and look closely at your fellow carers-and-sharers, you're likely to
spot more than a few *lonely* carers-and-sharers. In the second and
third weeks of the month, try talking to some of those lonely ones. A
quiet word about the dreadful state of women's rights in Borogravia
...a knowing nod when the subject of cruelty to dragons is on the
agenda...a sympathetic squeeze of a forearm during that Campaign for
Equal Heights demo...it could all add up to less loneliness and more,
well, unilateral action. Jimi, God of Beggars, and Patina (Goddess of
Wisdom) are your best bets for sacrifices on the 25th. If you need to
show your caring side sooner to a potential co-carer, try burning a
clacks message to Fedecks, Messenger of the Gods, on the 6th.
Romantic tip: wear your second-best clothes when stepping out.
Jackets with worn elbows, socks with obvious hand-darns and slightly
shiny-seated trousers are favourite for showing your thriftiness and
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
The influence of Bilious will soon bring you the romance of your
drams! Um, I mean dreams. No, wait, you're Bilians, so I was right
the first time. True love waits in the Mended Drum, in the Troll's
Head, in the Bucket, even in Biers...although there, true love is
more likely to pounce upon you and sink its fangs into your throat.
Take the time to stop smelling the alcohol fumes and look up instead
from your glass; the next face you see might be that of your soulmate
(or just the barman; then again, there are some fine-looking bar
staff out there these days - sturdy, apple-cheeked Quirmian wine
wenches; sun-bronzed, grinning Fourecksians financing their gap-year
travels with a spot of bartending; young New Age vampires down from
Uberwald more for the excitement than for the blood...). There's more
to life than that next pint, so go live a little, love a little and
try to avoid throwing up in your inamorata's potted aspidistra.
Romantic tip: remember to bring along a waterproof bag and some lemon
scented hankies. Better prepared than rejected!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Do you believe in love? Of course you do, you're a gullible Mubboon.
Why do fools fall in love? Because so many of them are born under
Mubbo and thus congenitally incapable of Knowing Any Better. Does
love make the world go around? Only if you've been drinking with one
of those dodgy Bilians. Is it true that love is all you need? Only if
you're a self-determined member of a workers' collective who live off
the direct fruits of their labours on the land. Oh dear, you Mubboons
do badly need some advice for the lovelorn, don't you? Try repeated
sacrifices to Sessifet, Fate and the Lady. Or try one of those love
potions the local hedge witch is so fond of hawking on market days.
On no account declare your undying love for a member of the Guild of
Seamstresses; they have splatters for that sort of thing.
Romantic tip: be sure to invite a chaperone. Or a certified reader of
body language. Or a practising headologist...a great help for
avoiding embarrassing misunderstandings in the arena of love.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
You can't dance, you can't talk; the only thing about you is the way
that you run away astoundingly quickly at the least sign of danger or
excitement...yes, you Boring'uns don't have the greatest track record
when it comes to love and relationships, do you? Though you can't all
be *that* bad, or there wouldn't be any Boring'uns. Hmm, I must check
my star charts to see which Signs are most likely to produce the
parents of Boring'uns...maybe you're all flukes...no, there are many
people who are attracted to Disc-class sprinters and distance runners
- so there you go, you're in with a chance. This month, be sure to
frequent athletics events (though not the ones where they throw those
big, heavy, *dangerous* hammer wossnames) and keep-fit venues. After
all, you want a loved one who can keep up with you when the going
gets tough and the Boring'uns get going via the fastest escape route!
Romantic tip: memorise some love poems. Handy for reciting on the
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
What a wonderful month this is for singles! And doubles! And
threesom-, er, *other* romantic configurations! Yes, this is your
finest hour for proving that two outta three ain't bad and that you
would do anything for love (even though most of you won't do *that*).
The 4th, 7th, 10th, 13th, 17th and the entire last week of the month
are good times to look for love. Try attending one of the Duke of
Eorle's famous balls (note the complete absence of the word "to"
there), or consider mounting a rescue attempt in one of B. S.
Johnson's mazes: there are always a few lost young singles trapped in
the inner passages. You could also take up streaking at sporting
events; while this may land you inthe scorpion pits, it also marks
you as someone daring, unusual and, well, sporting. If all else
fails, go to church - not *all* the vestigial virgins will have been
swept away by marauding Hernians.
Romantic tip: in olden days, a glimpse of stocking was considered
fairly shocking; now it's much harder to manage that shock effect,
but really, it's all down to where that glimpse can be had. Think
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
They say that Love is an er um female dog betimes, and for some of
you Footys that's literal. For the rest of you, don't be put off by
the ups and downs and the broken hearts (especially all you Igors,
since you know that a broken heart is easily mended); go forth and
win the heart of a fair maid or a stalwart lad (or Laddie)! Learning
to cook exotic dishes is a good way to stir up potentially saucy
encounters. Nanny Ogg's Cookbook is the best place to seek culinary
knowledge, although her Chocolate Delight with Special Secret Sauce
is not recommended for beginners...unless they want to be ex-
beginners very, very quickly...flower arranging is also a good thing
to learn, since bouquets melt hearts (though for Footy Trolls,
brickbats do the job nicely). Make a sacrifice to Hoki the Jokester
any time after the 12th, and avoid oysters, paradoxical as that
seems; this being a month with no R in it, a case of food poisoning
can cramp your wooing style somethin' awful.
Romantic tip: picnics are cheap and cheerful, and tend to take place
in usefully private areas. Beware of ants and crocodiles though.
(continued on Part 4 of 4)
End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 4
If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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