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WOSSNAME -- MAY 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- MAY 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 6) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 2, 2005
      WOSSNAME -- MAY 2005 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)

      ====Part 3

      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      It was a dark and stormy night as Great A'Tuin swam through the vast
      fastnesses of Space...well, of course it was. It's *always* dark in
      Space, unless you happen to swim near one of those balls of burning
      gas. And this is *uncharted* Space we're talking about. I mean, who
      among you would go out into the darkness and the freezing cold and
      the emptiness and, well, the spaciness of Space just to chart it? Any
      volunteers? No, I didn't think so. But as it happens, someone has
      indeed charted the *stars* of uncharted Space. Um, the constellations
      at any rate. Er, the ones that ancient eyes once viewed as being
      noteworthy enough collections-of-stars to resemble some
      anthropomorphic manifestation or other, or lady in a chair, or a
      giant starry tortoise, or...you get the idea. And the idea,
      naturally, is that these might-be-a-turtle-or-just-a-big-sock
      collections of distant stars actually influence our hearts and minds
      and daily lives. Of course they do! I should know, I get paid good
      Ankh-Morpork dollars every month to sell, um, I mean explain the
      arcane movements of the stars to you. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. As
      I predicted last month, A'Tuin's wanderings have taken us into a new
      quadrant of mostly-sort-of-uncharted Space and thus into new skies
      and new influences. But what with Space being seriously big and all,
      the main effect has been a perspective-y one: some "new"
      constellations are actually old ones that weren't obvious from our
      previous angle of wossname. So without further ado, Lady Asterisk -
      that's me - shall present:


      Fasten your sextants (no, Gytha, that's not what "sextant" means!)
      and away we go...


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Hoggers have been known for their short tempers, arrogance and
      sometime talent for prognostication, but under the slightly skewed
      new influences on the cusp of Ramjambamalam, you have a new tendency -
      sheer recklessness! Yes, all the foolhardy schemes you always had the
      sense not to try are now beckoning you with the allure of an exotic
      Al-Khali harem dancer (not Beti). So realise your dreams! Follow your
      wandering star! This month, it's highly possible that those dreams
      and schemes might actually come true. Especially ones involving daft
      moneymaking scams. Why, who knows, you might turn out to be the next
      C.M.O.T. Dibbler! Or, if you're lucky, you might not. Burn an
      offering of incense to the Lady on the 13th to consolidate your
      chances. If a short, pale stranger, bedecked with astrological sigils
      and burdened with star charts, offers you shares in a new overseas
      pearl-mining company, go for it. The world could be your bivalve.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      You thick-skinned, single-minded Gahooligans, always known for your
      odd combination of passion and stoicism, will find yourselves leaning
      more to the passionate side this month as the new Heavens cause your
      Moon to rise in Venalus. What's more, your lucky star, Hu Minor, is
      now positioned in the House of Rausmit-Du, and passion is always in
      fashion when Hu's in the House - and better still, there's an extra
      love-life boost on the 21st, owing to the fresh influence of
      Gahoolie's major star, Euno Hu. Now is the time to trade your
      brickbats for bouquets (or for those in the dairy industry, buckets)
      and go get yourselves some good lovin'. Remember, Venalus in the
      ascendant means Gahooligans in the horizontal. A small sacrifice to
      Sessifet, Goddess of the Afternoon, never goes amiss. Wear a blue
      ribbon in your hat during the last week of the month; there's no
      special astro-illogical reason for it, but Miss Battye has asked me
      to mention it because she's doing special rates on blue ribbon trim
      until the first of Grune.


      Herne the Hunted (formerly The Two Fat Cousins) 22 May - 21 Jun

      Do you feel strange feelings coursing through your veins? That's the
      new influence of the small but perfectly-formed constellation of
      Herne the Hunted, the god to whom all prey pray! Paradoxically,
      beings born under this Sign tend to be bold, forthright, decisive and
      leaderlike, so what you're feeling is your formerly sensitive Twosie
      skin thickening as Herne rises from the starry copses to join the
      Zodiac. The subgroup of stars known as Bulwynkel or Herne's Horns
      smiles on you now, so at last you can consider a career in door-to-
      door retail, or enter the military in a front-line capacity, or
      even stand for public office. A Hernian (I bet you wondered how I
      was going to get around *that*) has the heart of a tiger, the skin
      of a rhinoceros, the boldness of a brass monkey and the sensitivity
      of a herrydeterry noble; unsurprisingly, Hernians make good big-game
      hunters. The 9th will be a good day for you, but then so will every
      other day of the month. You can even join in those UU bunfights you
      were once too shy to attend. Orphaned Hernians have exceptionally
      good aim with projectiles, so let him who is without kin throw the
      first scone.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Staffies, once mainly concerned with self-gratification and big
      dinners, now find themselves looking outwards and asking, "What's it
      all about? Can I do more to help my fellow beings? Is there jelly for
      dessert instead of double-custard cream trifle?" The good news is
      that there *is* more that you can do! The Wizard's Staff and Knob,
      remember, holds sway over the mouth, tongue and index finger, and
      now, with the extra added astral benefit of heightened oratorial
      powers, the time is yummily ripe for taking up a career in charity
      fundraising. What's more, you're no longer so averse to travel - so
      you can visit the slums of Brindisi, bring aid to flood victims
      in Llamedos, trek across the wastes of Klatch in search of needy
      nomads, comfort the downtrodden in Djelibeybi...why, now you can even
      venture into the Shades to assist at C.M.O.T. Dibbler's Seven Spoons
      of Sek Soup Kitchen! And best of all, you'll be invited to lots and
      lots of, wait for it, fundraising dinners. That's right, dinners.
      See? With the new caring, sharing Staffies, everybody wins.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians beware! While some Signs are gaining new benefits from the
      rearrangement of the Heavens, for you long-suffering victims of this
      Sign things will only get worse. And you thought that was impossible?
      Hah! Flatulus, God of Winds, and Dyspepsiacola, Goddess of Acid
      Indigestion, have been, um, stirred to new action by the celestial
      discombobulation, and they've not taken kindly to being disturbed -
      so get ready for some more than usually unsettled times ahead, and a
      new low mark in ghastly mornings after. But it's not *all* bad news
      ...ish. Embryosia, demigoddess of nascent nausea-free mornings, will
      look kindly on offerings given in the second and third weeks of the
      month, and Heuei and Wralf, twin Guardians of Pylorus, will be
      helpful after the 24th. Yours is a hard lot to bear - particularly
      after long company outings and stag nights - but eventually things
      will get better. In the meantime, consider joining the Temperance
      Society. Six months is a long - erm, just do it.


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      It's not true that all Mubboons are village idiots! Sure, it's true
      that they make the *best* village idiots, but remember that Cohen the
      Barbarian was born under Mubbo, and no-one ever accused him of being
      idiotic - well, not more than once, anyway. Now your other natural
      attributes of honesty, kindness and empathy will come into their best
      strength. The actors among you will win new kudos (and perhaps even
      get paid); the Fools among you will be top contenders for this year's
      Scarlet Bladder and Custard Pail, and the barbarian heroes will do
      more liberating of slaves and less, well, let's just call it
      pillaging, shall we? This Sign's tendency to gullibility will also
      now lead some Mubboons to a stronger religious bent, which may be of
      some concern to anti-priestly Reformed Llamedosians; keep a careful
      eye on your Mubboon offspring, or before you know it they'll be
      utterly gone to rune.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Great news for Boring'uns: nothing has changed! Yes, once again the
      Small Boring Group of Faint Stars has proven to be so small, faint
      and boring that even Great A'Tuin's far travels haven't caused this
      Sign's influence to change by a jot or tittle. And by the way, do
      any of you know what a "tittle" is? The very sound of the word gives
      the impression of smallness and faintness and boredom. I hereby give
      you custodianship of this word. It's a nice word, a *safe* word, a
      word too inoffensive to attract any danger or undue excitement.
      Tittle, tittle, tittle. See? Who needs worrying horrorscope
      predictions when you have nice fluffy little tittles? - oh, all right
      then: you will have a very boring month. No-one will bother you
      unduly, no monsters from the Dungeon Dimensions will make sudden
      unwelcome appearances, no fire will rain on you from Cori Celesti,
      and your socks will come back from the laundry in perfectly matched
      pairs. Feeling better now? Tittle.


      Androgyna Majestis (formerly Okjok, the Salesman) 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      What a...fascinating Sign you've come under at present! Androgyna
      Majestis, known to the Ancients as Duud Laika-Laadi, is the god
      and/or Goddess of mixed signals, confused lovers and unusual parades;
      as s/he straddles the quadrant of empty Space between the Small
      Boring Group of Faint Stars and Great T'Phon's Foot, the
      characteristics of your typical Andy owe something to both these
      Signs. To put it simply, an Andy is both safety-mad and adventurous,
      both agoraphobic and fond of travel, and simultaneously pessimistic
      and full of almost insane cheery hopefulness. Needless to say, this
      makes for some very self-conflicted people! Even as I clacks this
      horrorscope to my faithful readers, a new branch of Igor-lore and
      practice is being developed to meet the needs of those born under
      Androgyna. So my advice to you for this month is to be as patient
      (ha, ha) as possible, practise lying (also ha, ha) on couches, and
      for Io's sake keep taking the Dried Frog Pills!


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Good things are afoot for Footys this month! As the Foot goes, so
      goes the Elephant, and Elephants never forget their friends. Your
      friends will remember you too, when the chips are down; this is a
      good month for borrowing money, jewellery or cooking pots, especially
      between the 9th and the 18th. You're also likely to be remembered in
      wills, so don't forget to pay a visit to any ailing great-aunts or
      grandparents - in fact, they're the best people to borrow money from,
      what with being old and sick and likely to remember to change their
      wills in your favour. D'Jum-Boh, sometimes known as the Grand Trunk
      Star, will influence matters of hearth and home in the second half
      of the month, and since home is where the hearth is, be sure to keep
      yours clean and to make a few choice offerings to the dog of your
      choice. Not, that's not a misspelling - remember, Great T'Phon's
      Foot is the Sign of all the best animals. Especially the talking
      ones, even if they'd never condescend to come home to a hearth.

      (continued on Part 4 of 4)

      End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 4
      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...

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