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WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2005 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2005 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 5 6) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 29, 2005
      WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2005 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)

      ====Part 5

      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      "In your dreams." What a wealth of various meanings reside in those
      simple words! This month, we are going to examine likely and
      appropriate dream-personae for each Sign. Sweet dreams are made of
      this, and who am I to disagree...

      It's also worth noting that, after a year, Great A'Tuin's travels
      through the vastness of space will soon be bringing the Discworld
      constellations into a new configuration. Some Signs may disappear to
      be replaced with new ones, others may have influences of a completely
      different nature. Stay tuned; I may have to go have a nice weeks-long
      lie-down whilst contemplating the task of working out all the little
      subtleties (or possibly subtitles) of the new Zodiac. In which case
      I'll see you in my dreams...


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your dream persona: Howondaland Smith

      As you wander the trackless wastes, discovering archaeological
      treasures and dodging fiendish foreign traps and large men with
      knives and crossbows, remember that this is a good month to take
      especial care of ropes, bullwhips and climbing equipment. The stars
      also smile on the buying of new hats. A simple stone, polished with
      horse grease, may buy you passage to any of several lost cities on
      the 17th, depending on how lost you are. Make a generous offering
      to Seven-handed Sek on the 21st. I'd tell you to beware small dusky
      tribesmen bearing gifts and apparently telling you in amusing sign
      language that you're their long-lost god-king, but you'll just
      ignore me. After all, it's part of your job.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your dream persona: Drumknott

      What a fascinating job you have! Most people think it's all about
      filling out forms, wiping quills and taking notes, but your is a
      work day of infinite variety - dodging crossbow bolts meant for
      your employer, listening at decidedly dodgy keyholes, meeting
      unsettling personages at unsocial hours, remembering that the wrong
      form of address to certain heads of state may be taken as a
      declaration of war...not to mention the poison-tastings...oh my yes,
      your job doesn't half keep you busy. Don't mention that million-dollar
      unofficial Assassins' contract to your boss: he already knows about
      it, but he'd rather you act as if *you* don't. Oh, and this is also
      a good month to avoid mentioning that overdue Unseen University tax


      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

      Your dream persona: an Ogg daughter-in-law

      Of all the dreams to have, why on Disc did you choose a nightmare?
      Your days are filled with terror and your nights with exhaustion;
      there is no relief, and no escaping the wrath of your perpetually
      dissatisfied, fault-finding mother-in-law. Even in your dreams, you
      face an endless round of scrubbing, mopping, polishing, darning,
      cooking, weeding, front-step-washing, rug-beating, bath-scraping,
      herb-chopping, dusting, gazunda-rinsing, hearth-sweeping, and of
      course don't ever forget to squeeze out the scumble leavings. But
      you have a distinct chance of a half-day on the 9th, so keep your
      spirits up! Speaking of spirits, don't forget to dust off Verence
      I's piece of castle rock - she'll be sure to check it. Be kind to
      cats this month, especially to big scar-bedecked mangy grey ones
      with one eye and an evil disposition.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your dream persona: Conina

      So, life has brought you at least half of your dream - you're a
      hairdresser, albeit a rather, erm, mobile one. What a shame that
      cute little salon in Sto Lat didn't work out and you had to leave in
      such a hurry, but cutting hair aboard a Bhangbhangducian pirate ship
      gives you openings for travel, a captive clientele and plenty of
      healthy exercise in the fresh air, to say nothing of ample
      opportunity to practise your inherited broadswording skills! On the
      12th, consider making that obnoxious first mate's beard-trim a
      little more permanent: the stars guarantee that the captain will be
      in a forgiving mood. Beware of romantic entanglements in the
      second week of the month - the stars are aligned for fruitfulness,
      and a life at sea really isn't suitable for infants. Oh, One Man
      Bucket says to tell you that Daddy says hello.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your dream persona: a trainee Fool

      Forget about lifting barges and toting bales - wave that bladder in
      the air! Take your tumbles without care! Marry, marry, i'truth it be,
      the life of a Fool is the life for thee! Yes, you too can make
      friends with your inner misery and graduate with custard honours.
      Now comes an excellent month for the gathering of ancient jokes and
      foul punes. On the 19th, it's even possible that Doctor Whiteface
      might consider the addition of - wait for it - one new pratfall to
      the holy Official Manual of Foolish Behaviour, oh joyous day! The
      Ides provide a unique chance to experiment with - be brave, quail
      not (except on official cue) - designing a new Face. Are you Fool
      enough? Dare you Foolishly go where no Fool has gone before? The
      stars may never favour you in this way again. Wear your motley with
      pride, and remember, a buttonhole squirter in the face is worth two
      kicks in the crutch.


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Your dream persona: assistant to Ronnie Soak

      Your day begins at a time when most people are still dreaming, in a
      place none of them will ever so much as know exists. While the rest
      of the world is tucked up snug in bed, you're the one entrusted with
      the special all-important task of making sure you load their pintas
      and cream and buttermilk and yoghurt onto that famous cart! If only
      they knew. And it's no cushy job, either - you wouldn't want to make
      a mistake in amounts, because that might make your boss angry. And
      you wouldn't like him when he's angry. To keep things sweet (except
      for the sour cream, of course), make an offering to Steikhegel, god
      of isolated cow byres, on the 13th and one to Bunu, goat-headed god
      of goats, on the 23rd. The 3rd and 4th are good days for purifying
      milk bottles and butter paddles. Whatever you do, never be late for
      your shift; if that happened, everything would simply become chaos.
      Everything *else*, that is.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your dream persona: a H.E.M. Department wizard

      Ahh, lucky you! Unlike dreamers under the Signs of Mubbo and
      Gahoolie, your boss, erm, immediate supervisor, erm, Head of
      Department is a fairly easygoing chap. All you need to do to stay on
      his good side is to not nick the last slice of banananana and sushi
      pizza, to remember to feed the mouse and the ants, and to keep stray
      piece of, well, could be anything really, off the FTB and the ram's
      skull. Oh, and to make sure somebody whispers a timely warning
      whenever the Archchancellor approaches the High Energy Magic
      building. And to avoid trying to discuss quantum with the Bursar
      (although if you catch him in certain phases of madness, he may well
      be able to provide new insights in coherent phrasing). It's also
      a bad month for sitting up all night inventing roleplaying games with
      those clacks geeks at Tower 13. Play it safe - that's what your Sign
      is all about!


      Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your dream persona: a Troll Watchman

      What a fine life this is, being paid whole dollars for bashing soft
      creatures, getting to shout officially and carrying a huge club
      without a special permit! And no-one *really* minds if you tear apart
      those Slab dealers rock from rock. And the hours are good, and there
      are those nifty air-cooled helmets that mean that you can have more
      than one thought per hour whenever you're on duty. Of course there's
      a downside - having to be nice, or at least relatively non-violent,
      to those unspeakable Koom Valley ambushers - but all in all it's a
      far better living than the one you used to eke out back in Copperhead,
      isn't it? There's a likelihoodof a cold snap during the second week of
      the month; use that time for doing your taxes. Practising meditation
      after the 24th may give you a more serene outlook and lower the number
      of accidental-bashings demerits.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your dream persona: an Alchemist

      The good news is that this is an auspicious month for experimenting
      with volatile chemicals! The bad news is that the stars' influence
      this month is likely to make chemical concoctions far more volatile
      than usual, most notably during the second week of the month, and on
      the 26th-29th, and oh yes on the 4th, 5th, 7th, 11th, 18th and...um,
      maybe this is a good time to consider a change of career. Though if
      you were sensible and not accident-prone, you wouldn't have become an
      Alchemist in the first place, would you now? Oh well, never mind. You
      may want to put off lab-work on the first weekend of the month, though,
      unless you really fancy a short trip to Genua with a rather, erm, disastrous
      end. And on the off chance, you might want to know that there's an
      opening coming up soon in the Sing Ho House of Marvellous Fireworks
      factory. It's a much safer job. Trust me.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your dream persona: Millie Chillum

      It's a rare honour to serve a Queen, even in your dreams, and never
      before has the Disc had such as queen as this! None of this "Off with
      her head!" rubbish, though you might find your head being regularly
      checked for unhygienic life-forms, you might be subjected to all
      manner of naturopathic remedies and preventatives, and you also might
      have to submit yourself as a test subject for the King's occasional
      Modern Ideas. Still, it's a good job. But keep a close eye this month
      on little Esmerelda, whose Moon in the ascendant will boost her
      spirit of adventure - make sure you keep her away from Mr Brookes'
      hives on the 10th, and don't let her near His Majesty's organic
      slurry pit! On the 30th, a handsome young envoy will arrive from
      Forn Parts; play your cards right and you may well find yourself
      walking out with him, though possibly not quite in the way that
      Mistress Ogg is so fond of suggesting.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your dream persona: Angua**

      As you race across the frozen mountainous landscape pf your dreams,
      your heightened wild-thing senses pick up the scent of hot, fresh
      prey. This month the pickings will be rich, because as I happen to
      know, Herne the Hunted, god of small frightened creatures, is away on
      his hols. Watchmen don't have gods, as we know, but a small sacrifice
      to Put, the Djelibeybians' lion-headed God of Justice, wouldn't go
      amiss. Put aside personal desires for vengeance (particularly those
      involving family members) until the stars are more propitious, and
      you won't have a care in the world - you can carry on racing under
      the moon and dancing with wolves to your heart's content, howling
      and hunting and never even dreaming of the noisy smelly complicated
      cities. But then you'll realise that you have to pay for *two* sets
      of haircare products, and with a low, mournful howl you'll trot
      dutifully back to your distant place of employment. Ah well, there
      are compensations...

      ** unless you *are* Angua - seeing as how this is your Sign - in
      which case just follow my astrological advice even when you're


      The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your dream persona: the Bursar of U.U.

      What *were* you thinking when you approved that requisition of five
      hundred Tezuman iguanas and ninety yards of al-Khali samite for the
      High Energy Magic Department? Probably not a lot...you must have been
      passing through one of your little turns. Oh my, the Archancellor
      is not going to be pleased! And don't forget to make a small offering on
      the 9th, if you can pass through one of your lucid phases long enough
      to remember when the 9th is, to Cephut, god of cutlery. In fact, make it a
      big offering. Who knows, that might even convince Mrs Whitlow to let you
      have some tableware with sharp edges for a change.
      If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      Copyright (c) 2005 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

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