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WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2005 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2005 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 13) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 31, 2005
      WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2005 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)


      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      H is for Horticulture! Now that Spring is, well, springing across
      most of the nations of Roundworld (apart from the upside-down
      continent of XXXX, and the Land of Fog, but what do they know?), most
      people's thoughts turn to the planting of plants and the sowing of
      seeds. And so, my petite furry stargazers, you might like to know of
      which plants best sort your Signs. Remember, a green thumb is just a
      black one with moss on it...


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your recommended plant: Stammerlily

      Though classed as an Exotic, the Agatean Stammerlily (from the north-
      eastern province of Khat-Gochertung) is a perfect plant for first-time
      gardeners, owing to the fact that it thrives in a vast variety of
      environments: convention centres, wedding reception venues, office
      boardrooms, family reunions, romantic candlelit restaurants, oral
      examination halls and even private bedrooms. Your Stammerlily will
      thrive in any lighting conditions. It prefers to feed on half-formed
      ideas and embarrassment, and to drink waters of Lethe. A near-
      perpetual bloomer, the perfume of the Stammerlily causes instant
      aphasia within a three-foot radius; this makes it a handy plant to
      take along when visiting overly gossipy relatives.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your recommended plant: Copperhead Pine

      The Copperhead Pine, known in silicaceous circles as the Koom Valley
      Forget-me-not, is a hardy shrub that takes particularly well to the
      art of bonsai. Its seed cones resemble Morningstar heads in hardness,
      spikiness and weight, and it has a dense bole that makes it
      especially suitable for troll-bashing, that is, the lovelorn bashing
      of trolls by other trolls...or the non-lovelorn bashing of Dwarfs by
      - um, let's not go there. Plant your Copperhead Pine in sandy, well-
      drained soil, mulch in with a few cups of lime (but no coconut), and
      presto! - no further maintenance needed. You might want to surround
      it with good fencing and a few judiciously placed landmines, though,
      even though there's no truth to the rumour that Copperhead Pine seeds
      are an essential ingredient of Slab.


      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 June

      Your recommended plant: Sessifet Flytrap

      The Sessifet Flytrap, also known as Seamstresses' Lace, is a robust
      and enthusiastic plant. Not only does it trap flies, it actively
      solicits for them on streetcorners! - therefore it's best to keep an
      eye on it, especially after sunset. Your "Sessie" needs little in the
      way of fertiliser, but does appreciate an occasional dusting of
      powder, a squirt of eau de toilette and perhaps a touch of eyeshadow.
      For especially good leaf colour, try giving it a weekly glass of gin.
      The Sessifet Flytrap blooms twice yearly, always after dark, and its
      gently beckoning blossoms waft a rare and sensuous perfume over its
      potential victims; at these times, never approach your Flytrap whilst
      carrying credit cards.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your recommended plant: Sto Lat Peripatetic Potato

      Like the Sessifet Flytrap, the Sto Lat Peripatetic Potato - spuddus
      Brassicaphilus, also known as the Wandering Spud - lives up to its
      name, but it's far less, erm, brassy. Upon escape, it tends to make
      for cellars, barns, or quiet, shadowed corners far from restaurants
      and chip shops. A healthy Wanderer can produce enough of its famous
      firm, white, creamy tubers to feed an entire company of peckish
      wizards, but due to the subtly attractive qualities of its foliage it
      is often grown simply for decorative purposes. This practice has gone
      on for long enough that the Wandering Spud has evolved violently
      toxic spikes on its lower leaves and tubers. Just water it thrice
      weekly and settle for eating reconstituted mash.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your recommended plant: Pink Umbrella Plant aka Bridesmaid's Fancy
      or Half-Pitcher Plant

      The Pink Umbrella Plant is thought to have originated upon Evolution
      Island, because surely no plant that produces perfect replicas of
      those twee little cocktail umbrellas could have evolved naturally!
      Also, its leaves smell suspiciously of rum, and its stalks have a
      tendency to wobble from side to side before suddenly falling over.
      Be sure to water this plant frequently, especially round pub opening
      times, and to give it a monthly feed of leftover Klatchian curry.
      Never mix it in the same pot with hop plants or barley! If your Pink
      Umbrella Plant goes missing, you'll probably find it slumped under
      the lounge-room table. Give it some aspirin and tomato juice and it
      will soon be back to its usual glory.


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Your recommended plant: Monstera Horripilosa

      Monstera Horripilosa, popularly known as the Horse Cheese Plant, is
      a popular Howondaland import with broad, glorious foliage. A night-
      bloomer, it's favoured by yuppie vampires, demon barbers, accountants
      and complaints departments of large companies, due to its habit of
      eating unwanted visitors. Beware of its trailing semi-visible aerial
      roots, which may be doorways into the Dungeon Dimensions. Fertilise
      monthly with the blood of virgins; if there's a virgin shortage, a
      goat or chicken will do nicely (though strangely, the Uberwald Guide
      to Houseplants fails to mention this). The Monstera Horripilosa will
      blossom and fruit twice yearly. No two fruits are ever alike, but do
      avoid eating any of them - even ones that resemble freshly toasted
      marshmallows - unless you particularly enjoy a painful, lingering
      death by poison. Hat. Hat. Hat.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your recommended plant: Klatchian Moss

      Just for you boring wussy Boring'uns: the multiverse's only
      vegetarian carnivorous plant! Of unknown origin despite its common
      name, Klatchian Moss is a timid, girly plant that prefers to live
      under well-guarded rock gardens in quiet areas. It's a fussy eater
      that needs to be approached with caution, not because it's dangerous
      to its keepers but because it will throw a hissy fit, snap its pods
      shut and refuse to eat even if wasting away. It prefers tofu, non-
      dairy blancmange, mushy overcooked sprouts and unsalted oatmeal. Some
      of the rare wild varieties have been known to feast guiltily on small
      bits of leftover sausage inna bun, but offering this to domestic ones
      is not recommended. Mist often with purified springwater. I promise,
      this plant will never attack you. Trust me on this.


      Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your recommended plant: Muntab Bladderwort

      The Muntab Bladderwort, finicus Poncedaquirmii, actually comes from
      Bhangbhangduc (which is no surprise, since no-one seems to know
      where the hell Muntab is) and is a tropical rainforest plant that
      loves damp, steamy, poorly-lit environments such as laundries, royal
      dungeons and cheap pubs. It roots easily in thin mean soil or
      unwashed towels and is an easy plant to manage, although you need to
      be careful of its tendency to send creepers underfoot toward your
      cash drawer. Some say a sprig of Muntab Bladderwort in one's shoes
      can prevent unpleasant foot odour; others say it can *cause*
      unpleasant foot odour. Whatever the case, it will flourish on an
      infrequent feed of stale beer and bread mould. Self-seeding.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your recommended plant: Love-on-the-rocks

      Love-on-the-rocks, a deceptively delicate-looking fern from the
      Genuan estuary, is also known as Stir-it-up or Discordia d'Amour. It
      prefers steamy rooms and seems to thrive on loud noises, most notably
      shouting and slapping sounds. Because its beauty makes it a favourite
      of florists and wedding planners, Love-on-the-rocks often turns up at
      shall-we-say vitally under-attended weddings, and is often left as an
      offering in divorce courts. Not recommended for the offices of
      relationship counselors, but the perfect addition to flower
      arrangements for your favourite nephew's unacceptably tarty
      girlfriend. Note: some say that talking to one's plants encourages
      good growth, but Love-on-the-rocks does *not* respond well to soft,
      encouraging endearments.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your recommended plant: -ing Air Plant

      Air plants, or aerophages, are a true marvel of Nature: these require
      no care whatsoever! The -ing Air Plant is the perfect plant for those
      busy bachelors who are always away on the Sort of Business We Don't
      Discuss; its blood-red blooms also make it attractive to the sort of
      young women who sigh rather a lot, wear far too much black lace, and
      are too preoccupied with the wearing pain of sheer existence to
      remember to feed or water their plants. The -ing Air Plant has a
      unique, fascinating natural perfume with a unique, fascinating effect
      on those who smell it up close - it causes noiseless swearing, a
      desire to put household cleaning powders up one's nose, and a sudden
      passion for the appreciation of rare antique objet's d'art. This
      plant is a real conversation piece!


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your recommended plant: Lancre Tinker's Tonker

      Forget those nostrums from the local apothecary! Forget those pale
      ineffectual potions from the local hedge wizard! Lancre Tinker's
      Tonker is the real thing. A common Spring-blooming Ramtops weed
      (phallicus Hoipolloiens), this unassuming plant emits pheromones of
      such potency that village elders in certain densely-populated areas
      have instituted compulsory burn-off laws which stipulate that said
      burning can only be performed by elderly women and certified eunuchs.
      Of course, such activity always draws a crowd, which ends up rather
      defeating the point. Ah well, such is biology. Lancre Tinker's Tonker
      is a very useful plant, but must be handled with care. Best situated
      next to a cold shower.


      The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your recommended plant: Celestine Rose

      Yes indeedy, you lucky ones born under the last Sign of the Zodiac
      get the emperor of flora as your recommended plant! The Celestine
      Rose only grows on the lower slopes of Cori Celesti, home of the gods
      themselves. Its perfume is rarer than the rarest unguents of far al-
      Khali, the dew that gathers on its eosian petals can turn to pure
      diamond when captured in a crystal phial, its leaves are as soft as
      the softest Agatean silk, its thorns...erm. Oh, right, the thorns.
      Did I mention that the Celestine Rose is beloved of, and under the
      special protection of, both Blind Io and the Lady? And that they
      don't take kindly to plant poachers nicking their property? Ahem.
      Maybe you'd be better off starting smaller, say with a patch of
      daisies. Less exciting, yes, but also less likely to cause your front
      door to be split open by a thunderbolt.


      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Lady Asterisk.
      If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      Copyright (c) 2005 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

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