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WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2005 -- PART 2 OF 5 (continued

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2005 -- PART 2 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 2
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 28, 2005
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      WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2005 -- PART 2 OF 5 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 2

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      7) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      Now is the time of year, on Roundworld and on worlds of more shall we
      say flattish persuasions, when the thoughts of many turn to prayer.
      Of course it has *nothing* to do with tax collectors, perish the
      thought! But a good heartfelt prayer never goes amiss - though
      whether or not they'll be answered is up to the gods, of course. And
      on that note, did you know that every Sign has its own patron saint?
      Whether you be Omnian, Djeli, Silicarian or a devotee of Blind Io,
      Offler, Bel-Shamharoth, Seven-handed Sek or even of the Small Gods,
      you fall under the capricious protection of some saint or other. Why,
      some Signs even have more than one patron saint! - in the case of the
      Small Boring Group of Faint Stars, Cori Celesti knows they're needed!
      So get out your beads and your incense and your small sacrificial
      animals and prepare to whip off a good 'un. After all, the squeaking
      wheel gets the grease, to say nothing of the sausage inna bun.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your patron saint is Saint Nucleous

      Saint Nucleous, once the Bishop of Shazza, was known for his
      generosity. By long tradition, this saint's day is celebrated by the
      giving and sharing of gifts and diseases. Many a schoolchild's prayer
      for convenient fevers and stomach-aches has been answered by Saint
      Nucleous, who is also the patron saint of licenced beggars, wedding
      planners and pox doctors. According to legend, Nucleous was once
      walking along a lonely road when he came upon a ragged beggar and
      immediately whipped his cloak out of his backpack and insisted the
      unfortunate wight put it on. The fact that this was in the Klatchian
      desert and the beggar soon perished of heat exhaustion has been the
      source of lively theological debate for centuries. Suggested useful
      sacrifices: cloves; bread mould; napkin rings; tinsel.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your patron saint is Saint Haberdash

      Haberdash was a famously virtuous and thrifty man in life, and in
      death he presides over the hopes and wishes of the inappropriately
      dressed. The patron saint of hatters, cobblers, weavers and fashion
      victims, Saint Haberdash's day is marked by the burning of old
      clothes (except those suitable for giving to your neighbourhood
      witches) and the wearing of embarrassing heirlooms. Popular wisdom
      has it that those who offend this saint will find themselves unable
      to resist the compulsion to turn their caps around back to front,
      although it is a little hard to believe that the entire teenaged
      population of Ankh-Morpork has committed such transgression. Saint
      Haberdash should never be prayed to on royal race days; be assured he
      won't answer! Suggested useful sacrifices: ribbons; bows; buttons;
      pressed flowers; surreys with fringe on top.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

      Your patron saint is Saint Nadz

      Bernheim Nadz the Twice-Blessed was originally a native of Uberwald
      whose sudden epiphany caused him to set aside his thriving edible
      socks business and travel the world spreading messages of love.
      Divine love, brotherly love, neighbourly love, and of course frequent
      and negotiable affection. Saint Nadz is the patron saint of
      confectioners, jewellers, romantic poets, confirmed bachelors and
      makers of hygienic rubber products. It is said that a short, sincere
      prayer to Saint Nadz will melt the hearts of the stoniest of
      prospective in-laws; his name is frequently invoked at crossbow
      weddings and by sweaty-palmed suitors. Suggested useful sacrifices:
      bonbons; diamonds; false identities; frilly underclothes. A dozen red
      roses will buy a lot of mileage with this saint.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your patron saint is Saint Furt

      Saint Furt is a divine of long, long standing. Famed for his
      discretion, diligence and astonishing abilities as a persuader, his
      name was the source of the old Ankhian word "furtive", meaning "able
      to get around all sorts of rules and guidelines"; in fact, "furt" is
      an archaic synonym for "sneak". Saint Furt is the patron saint of
      investigative journalists, Dark Clerks, insurance salesmen and maiden
      aunts, and is also known in some quarters as Deep Threat or the
      Lockbreaker. Definitely a saint to be on the good side of! Suggested
      useful sacrifices: diaries; old love letters; records of illegal
      transactions; telescopes; compromising iconographs.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your patron saint is Saint Oeno

      Oeno Filius, once the wayward son of a Latatian noble, was elevated
      to sainthood by the Tsortean priests of Smimto when they saw him
      perform the miracle of turning spoilt olive oil into fortified wine.
      Despite Oeno's protests that he'd meant to turn it into water in
      order to dissipate the effects of *drinking* fortified wine, he soon
      became one of the best-loved saints, praised and toasted wherever
      glasses are raised in the spirit of overindulgence. Saint Oeno is the
      patron saint of alcoholics, distillers, cork growers, grape farmers
      and makers of patent hangover cures. A successful prayer to Oeno will
      guarantee you at least one free round at your local tavern. Suggested
      useful sacrifices: spoilt olive oil; oaken casks; sugar cane;
      potatoes; yeast; those mysterious little can-holders favoured by
      natives of the continent of XXXX (and frequently, by the incontinent
      of XXXX).

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Your patron saint is Saint Barbarous

      Woe unto any who cross the protected of Saint Barbarous! For when the
      Great Wizzard was faced with the vicious armies of Lord Hong, did
      Barbarous not strike them low? Well no, as a matter of fact he didn't
      - but he *could* have. According to ancient sagas, Barbarous ranged
      across the whole vastness of Old Agatea, spreading his message of
      brotherly love, quiet contemplation and wholesale mayhem. Saint
      Barbarous is the patron saint of tavern brawlers, freebooters, human
      manifestations of anthropomorphic personifications and press barons;
      his feast day is celebrated with considerable violence. Suggested
      useful sacrifices: broken swords; mystical rings; loincloths; underarm
      deodorant; I Am a Personal Friend of Hrun badges; jewelled thrones.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your patron saints are Saint Bruce and Saint Bazza

      Saints Bruce and Bazza were the closest of friends when alive, and
      remain an inseparable pair in sainthood. They brought to the world
      the principle of Holy Matehood, and are said to have invented sour
      beer and football. Any sensible young man who finds himself separated
      from his best mate by reason of interfering girlfriends would do well
      to pray to Bruce and Bazza for the speedy return of blessed misogyny.
      Saints Bruce and Bazza are the patron saints of drovers, horse-cart
      drag racers, specialist dressmakers, beer canners, large sopranos and
      pantomime dames; they share the same feast day because, y'know mate,
      it's not right for a manly man to be separated from his mates, mate.
      Suggested useful sacrifices: beer; chips; high-heeled stiletto wedges
      (size 13, for preference); pork scratchings; Village People CDs; sheep.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your patron saint is Saint Hulberry

      On a lonely outcrop above the plains of Quirm, according to oral
      tradition, Saint Hulberry kept his lonely vigil for forty days and
      forty nights. What he was keeping vigil for is a matter lost to
      history, but over the aeons Hulberry has come to represent the causes
      of patience and graciousness. Hulberry is the patron saint of delayed
      voyagers, lost sailors, hostage negotiators, futures traders and
      nannies; never a day goes by when some kindergarten teacher doesn't
      raise her voice to him in desperate prayer. Devotees of this saint
      wander far and wide spreading a silent message of Icanwaitism and are
      popularly known as Travelling Hulberrys. Suggested useful sacrifices:
      comfortable chairs; gaffer tape; pile ointment; retired masseurs;
      crossword puzzles.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your patron saint is Saint Calcitrant of Viggo

      Calcitrant is one of the most venerated saints of the Disc. A humble
      country priest of Blind Io, Calcitrant was the first theologian to
      present the case for lesser animals having souls, and was known to go
      to extraordinary lengths to ensure the comfort of the beasts of field
      and forest, even installing a homeless ass as Dean of the district of
      Unshorn Viggo. Saint Calcitrant is the patron saint of dragon
      fanciers and dog groomers and also of worm-farmers and the elephant
      trainers of the Howondaland plains. His day is celebrated by the
      giving of steaks to intelligent-looking stray dogs, because you never
      know when one of them might turn out to be a divine in disguise.
      Suggested useful sacrifices: wicker baskets; catnip; flea ointment;
      horse blankets; Laddie.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your patron saint is Saint Charismal

      In the wild and lawless days of long ago, Charismal the Motivator led
      his righteous followers in a holy war against the godsless rulers of
      ancient Brindisi. At the height of the battle, he struck his staff
      (you could get good staff in those days) and there suddenly sprang
      forth a full-grown pasta tree, heavy with ripe linguini; the enemy
      was so amazed by this miracle that they immediately capitulated,
      renounced their wicked ways and dedicated themselves to the
      refinement of simple dinners. Charismal is the patron saint of cafe
      owners, shoemakers, oil pressers, garlic growers, aristonomers and
      women named Donatella, and is the inspiration behind the traditional
      Supper Prayer. His feast day is celebrated with feasts. Suggested
      useful sacrifices: savoury herbs; sun-dried tomatoes; aged cheeses;
      table linen; wine bottles with dribbly candles stuck in the top;
      Jamie Oliver.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your patron saint is Saint Androgyna

      The only female saint of the Zodiac, Androgyna (known as Sharon
      O'Maculate before she took Holy Orders as an acolyte of Petulia and
      Sessifet) is the patron saint of women, especially of scorned women.
      In Bhangbhangduc she is worshipped as Helas noh-Furi; in Muntab, she
      is commonly known as Shiz Gonagetya; even the Nac Mac Feegle pray
      fearfully to Androgyna as She Who Over-salts the Porridge, and every
      House of Negotiable Affection in Ankh-Morpork has a small Androgynan
      shrine - as do most mothers-in-law. Androgyna's feast day is held in
      secret, and no man has ever dared ask when it is, especially at
      certain times of each month. Nonetheless, Saint Androgyna is also
      regarded as the nurturer of the lonely, and is invoked in the prayers
      of young lovers and hopeful spinsters. There is a rumour that she has
      now ascended to actual goddesshood and has Dark Powers, so scoff ye
      not, O foolish men. Suggested useful sacrifices: chocolate; gossip
      magazines; beard shavings; deadly nightshade; hairspray.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your patron saint is Saint Particle

      Saint Particle, whose feast day is the 17th of March, is most famous
      for driving the trolls out of Llamedos, thereby paving the way for
      the spread of Druidism. After all, it's hard to get enthusiastic
      about quarrying megaliths when one of your best-carved pieces might
      turn out to be the aged relative of a clan of angry silicaceans!
      Saint Particle is also the patron saint of turf-cutters, bagpipe
      makers, folkdancers and strong beer-brewers, though he shares
      duties with Saint Oeno as the patron saint of incautious drunkards.
      According to popular superstition, Particle is the fulltime duty
      bartender on Cori Celesti. Suggested sacrifices: wooden spoons;
      accordions; pyrites; home-brewed white lightning; anything green.
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 5
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      If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...



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