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WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4

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  • Joseph Schaumburger
    WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4 ====Part 4 10) The New Disc Horoscope ==== ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo THE NEW DISCWORLD
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 3, 2005
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      WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4

      ====Part 4

      10) The New Disc Horoscope

      ====

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      Well, here it is a fresh new year and all that; Hogswatch is over,
      the carols have been sung, the drinks have been drunk, the drunks
      have been put in the woodshed to sober up, and all is shiny and
      promising. Oh, wait, that's just the scumble afterglow. Ah well, time
      to pull your socks up (if you wear socks) and face the year with
      fortitude. And health drinks. And of course, a shiny new horoscope...

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      The time has come for a change in your life. A big change. A really,
      really big change. Have you ever considered moving continents? No,
      not actually *moving continents* - after all, that's a job for the
      gods - but packing your bags and saying goodbye to your friends and
      family and setting off for a new life in Brindisi or Howondaland or
      Agatea or even the mysterious land of XXXX. Well, my dears, now is
      the best time to do it, if you're ever going to. Think about it - do
      you truly want to die without being able to say you've seen the
      mountains of the History Monks, or without ever having bathed in the
      lost springs of youth in Tezuma? Not that I'm suggesting you're about
      to die, but, um, do remember to buy travel inn-sewer-ants.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Communications, that's the key. Gahooligans are great communicators,
      just look at all those educators, priests and salesmen of genuine pig
      products, and a new year brings new opportunities to investigate new
      forms of communication. In fact, don't just investigate - invest! The
      newly renovated Grand Trunk clacks network is growing by the day, and
      gives a great return for A-M dollar investments. Who knows, you could
      make your millions, retire early, and go chase that nice Quirmian
      girl Hogger who decided to heed *her* horoscope and now lives in Bes
      Pelargic! Alternatively, you could become a mime, but the return for
      your investment tends to involve scorpions.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

      This is a good month to consider a career in couture. After all, in
      this modern age, there are so many styles to pick and choose from,
      whether severe schoolmistress outfits, the Gothique look, long rustic
      dresses with enormous boots, or the kind of clothing that might get
      you cautioned by the Watch if you wear it on the wrong street
      corners. Fashion is an exciting and ever-changing field, and with the
      continuing rise of the merchant classes, you could turn a pretty
      penny. I mean, how much does it take to convince an awkward, social-
      climbing cabbage distributor's wife that she really would look
      *delicious* in pink tulle and a rubber apron? - or a burnous and
      waders? And you'll never be short of a labour pool; look how many
      seamstresses there are, walking the streets looking for work!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Sing ho for the wonders of the kitchen! The first month of any year
      tends to be boring and dreary and full of holiday leftovers; why not
      start it off by taking a cookery course, or opening a Forn food
      restaurant? Klatchian curries are already well known and feared, but
      think of the possibilities: you could become a squishi chef, or a
      Genuan gumbo specialist, or a maker of fine Lancre-style cheeses;
      you could amaze your friends with your new-found expertise at making
      traditional Uberwald goulashes and fatsup; you could even ~cough
      cough~ spice up your home life by mastering every recipe in Nanny
      Ogg's famous cookbook! Or go cosmopolitan and open an open-air
      Brindisian style café. Call it Café Olé. You know it makes sense.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      The doing of charitable works should be your project for the new
      year. And there are so many charitable works you could participate
      in! Collecting funds, nearly new bandages and freshly discarded
      body parts for the Lady Sybil Free Hospital...teaching apprentice
      witches how to make a good shamble (for the purpose of public
      security)...counselling depressed Fools (and there's an endless
      supply of those)...joining the Beautify Ankh-Morpork Campaign (the
      Brass Bridge really could do with a new coat of brass)...running a
      language course for newly arrived Agatean tourists...let your
      imagination run free! It will make you feel good about yourself. And
      distract you from the ravages of those unspeakable holiday hangovers.
      Oh wait, you have those *every* weekend, don't you.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      War! What is it good for? Well, for a start, it's good to study. You
      can learn so much about human nature - or troll, dwarf or creature-
      of-the-night nature - from the study of government approved violence
      ...perhaps even learn how to stop wars from happening. Alternatively,
      you could study the history of weaponry and make a packet by entering
      the munitions trade. Or become an illicit crossbow runner. Or, for
      those of you of an Auriental bent, master an obscure martial art
      (note spelling). See? - war is good for quite a lot. If you want to
      start small, why not plan and initiate a vendetta with her at No. 18
      about those ghastly encroaching flower beds? I'm sure your prize
      Llamedosian Crossbrained Retriever could be a big help.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      The world of collecting is heart-stoppingly exciting! Why not start
      your new year by taking up this beguiling pastime? Here are a few
      helpful suggestions for things to collect, to polish and display
      and cherish and rattle on interminably about. You could take up
      collecting: coproliths from various fascinating species...fine art
      and small clear bags of powdered mothballs...humorously shaped
      vegetables...stamps of the world (taking care to hermetically seal
      the limited-edition Quirm cabbage ones)...socks...icons of small
      gods...blood samples (not recommended for Black Ribboners)...those
      black and yellow cart-wheel clamps that are all the rage in the
      cities now...just don't bother collecting pins. Pins are *so*
      yesterday.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Take Art into your life this year! Embrace it! Ponder (not Stibbons)
      the interplay of light and shadow with an iconographer's eye (not
      one borrowed from an Igor). Design creative battle breads with an
      innovative use of gravel textures. Work out exciting new cross-
      stitch and knitting patterns for those normally boring scabbards and
      throwing-knife sheaths. Experiment with new alloys to create unique
      stud patterns on your leather Music With Rocks In robe. No, not
      *that* kind of stud, especially if you're a wizard. Oh dear. Um,
      where was I? Oh yes. Art can be found in Nature as well -
      Llamedosian Okjokers might enjoy seeking and harvesting previously-
      unquarried henges and monoliths, and those of the trollish
      persuasion could practice painting graffiti tags on Old Granddad. I
      don't know Art but I know what you'll like.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Science. Does the word frighten you? It's time you left your fears
      behind and learned about the world around you and what makes it tick.
      There's dendrochronology, the science of determining the age of
      ooograh; geology, the science of determining the age and origin of
      submontane fat deposits; alchemy, the science of determining how to
      become a *literal* rocket wizard; biology, the science of
      investigating the origins of pencil bushes and orangutans; cosmology,
      the study of very large turtles; ballistics, the study of the
      trajectories of extremely fast-moving wizards powered by Agatean
      technology (or by pure terror); and of course the emperor of all
      sciences, thaumology. Do be sure to practise safety in the
      laboratory, especially if you're taking up one of the more...
      pyrotechnic branches; sometimes blinding people with science isn't
      such a good idea.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      I'd recommend a career in politics starting this year, but I see that
      so many of you Hokians already have one. For those who don't,
      politics - an branch of the ancient game of Watching People Over The
      Garden Gate And Interfering In their Lives - can be a rewarding
      lifestyle choice (I hear the kickbacks in Bhangbhangduc are
      particularly gratifying). The study and practice of politics can keep
      you occupied for years, often in a dungeon cell. And the ballot-paper
      ceiling isn't so tough - who knows, if you apply yourself properly
      you might end up rising to the highest position in the land, or even
      to Grand Vizierhood, which is less public and involves a lot of
      stress-relieving evil cackling. You too could rule with an iron
      hand! Just don't let Lord Vetinari or Emperor Cohen catch you
      thinking about it.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Happy new year! Romance is in the air - though it's *always* in the
      air for some of you Gazundians and it's positively magical. But did
      you know that there's an art and science to romance also? - pipe
      down, Mister Casanunda, of course I'm not trying to teach you to suck
      eggs. Yes, eggs, we're certainly not going to think of sucking
      anything else here, this is a family horoscope I'll have you know...
      anyway, for the rest of you, the mysterious rites of courtship make
      a good study-project for the year. There's bouquet-arranging, and
      the writing of coy little love-notes; there's the planning of
      romantic dinners à deux - you can pick up tips from Staffy cookery
      students - and the nuances of scene-setting and coquettish small
      talk; there's the best and most dashing methods of carrying your
      most-wanted across the threshold, and then the best way to achieve,
      um ...other...positions...er, yes. Romance is back in fashion.
      Enjoy it.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      The Moose may be the traditional sign of surgeons, but how many of
      you really know anything about doctor-ing? It's not all leeches and
      trepanning and sulphur ointment, you know. This year it would do
      you good to brush up on medical knowledge - can you put your hands
      on your heart(s) and honestly state that the Isles of Langerhans
      aren't actually a cool holiday destination off the coast of Klatch?
      - or participate in experiments to push back the boundaries of
      modern medicine. You could steal and examine a Boring'un's collection
      of blood samples, or measure blood-pressure changes over time by
      observing prisoners hanging upside-down in the Patrician's scorpion
      pit, or become a grave robber and assemble and revivify your own...
      erm, let's not go there. You probably don't want to start the year
      running one step ahead of a forest of angrily wielded pitchforks.

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      END OF PART 4

      And there you have it, folks. I hope our chaotic attempts to
      impersonate WOSSNAME have entertained you. see you next month! I'm
      for a cuppa and off to bed :-)
      -- Annie Mac, speaking for Joe
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