WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2004 -- PART 6 OF 6 (continued)
7) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
Guess what time of year it nearly is! Yes, dust down those pig and
sleigh ornaments and that glass replica of the Cheerful Fairy and
get ready to wassail like you've never wassailed before. So this
is Hogswatch, and what have you done...I wish it could be
Hogswatch every day...here it is, Happy Hogswatch everybody...ahem.
As a special pre-Hogswatch pressie, I've blackmailed the Bugarup
University Professor of Poetry, or more likely Pottery, to give us
a few appropriate verses (except where Nanny Ogg is concerned, in
which case you're likely to get, erm, inappropriate verses). As a
bonus, I've included the best celestially-matched holiday treat
for each Sign. Happy Hogswatch, and don't overdo it on the
Special Sheep Liniment. And remember, a dragon is for life, or at
least until uncontrolled combustion occurs. Bless.
"Your Super Callow Fragile Mystic Hogswatch Horrorscope Is..."
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Iced fairy cakes
"'Twas the night before Hogswatch..." - a fine, festive outing
A time for gifts, food, drink, and most of all, shouting
The Hogfather's dressed in his robe of bright red
He'd look great in your trophy-room - shoot for the head!
Remember to shout at the servants and guests
Beware party-crashers in crossbow-proof vests
Be kind to small children - it's just once a year
Next week you'll again be a figure of fear...
At least Foul Ole Ron won't be scenting your hall
For Hoggers can never be beggared at all!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Pork products on a spit. Or onna stick
Come all ye fine Gahooligans
Drink deep of scented ales
Then go to sleep and sweetly dream
Of after-Hogswatch sales
For those of a religious bent
The pickings will be ace
For at year's-end rich folk will court
In fact, it's capital gains all 'round
Give thanks for bulging coffers
No need to cut your own throats now -
It's Hogswatch! (any offers?)
The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun
Chocolate. And more chocolate
You better not shout, you better not cry
You better watch out, I'm telling you why:
Susan Sto Helit has a great big poker and she's gonna
bash all the monsters under your - I'm sorry, I'll
start that again...
She's making a list, she's checking it twice
She's gonna find out who's naughty or nice,
Susan Sto Helit has a great big poker and she's gonna
get that bogeyman hiding behind the - oh dear, this
isn't working very well, is it? Pardon me, there's a
cowled rat tugging at my skirt. Erm, Happy Hogswatch.
She knows when you are sleeping, she knows if you're awake
She knows if you've been bad or good because she's the
granddaughter of Death, after all, and Death sees the fall
of every sparrow and - aaah, forget it.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Roast suckling pig, assorted cakes, dessert trolley
and a selection of wines
Deck the halls with boughs of holllly
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, a pint of eels
Bow to ev'ry wizard's folly
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, *our* one has wheels
Fill to bursting ev'ry belly
Bugg'rem, bugg'rem, what duck?, wheeee!
Winkle pie for Mr Jelly,
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, the first one's free.
Deck the Libr'ry with bananas
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, cough cough, cough cough
For tonight the Watch won't ban us
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, the wheels fell off
Toast we now our figgins tender
Bugg'rem, bugg'rem, what duck?, wheeee!
Arrgh! The Bursar's on a bender!
Buggrit, buggrit, eek! - some Dried Frog tea?
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Drinks (well duh)
Your Lancre scumble is a drink
Best served in tiny capfuls
Beware! It's stronger than you think
Though made from *mostly* apples
Reannuals must be drunk with care!
Here's news for all you wonderers:
They, erm, repeat (and Bilians fair
Are also known as Chunderers)
Booze should be viewed with jaundiced eyes
As dangerous to sceptics
For after all - with this star sign -
You're *bound* to feel dyspeptic!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Pumpkins and black pudding
A lonely Fool sat in his cold, cold cell
With tears on his Face and rust on his bells
His bladder deflated, a sad, sad shell:
"I won't be home for Hogswatch."
A trio of Thieves with their empty bags
Too down to be bothered collecting swag
Complained to their victims, "It's such a drag
"We won't be home for Hogswatch."
But suddenly, blue sparkles filled the night
And all four beheld an alarming weird sight
And a voice like deep thunder said, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
COME HOME WITH *ME* FOR HOGSWATCH.
(Unsurprisingly, they declined.)
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Little cheese cubes on plain toothpicks
Step softly, step softly, on this Hogswatch Day
The party is swinging (the kitchen's *this* way...)
Come early, be low-key, and don't stay too late
You might be attacked by a pineapple, mate!
Be careful, be careful of what's there to eat
The snacks are too spicy, the punch is too sweet
In pork pies and sausages (loaded with fat!)
Food poisoning lurks - can't be having with *that*
Of bikkies, beware; sarnies? They're for ignoring
In fact, just stay home.
Ain't it fun to be boring?
Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Stoo with named meat
Hogswatch is a-coming, the Dean is very fat
Please to put a figgin in his pointy hat
Hogswatch is a-coming, Lord Downey's wearing black
Please to put some poison in the old man's sack
Hogswatch is a-coming and Death is on the prowl
Please to put two coppers in his deep, dark cowl
Hogswatch is a-coming and Cohen has a sword
Please to give him rubies or you might get gored
Hogswatch is a-coming and Dibbler's in his coat
Please to buy a sausage or he'll cut his throat
Reality is wavering, all Ponder's team are wrecks
So please, please, put a figgin in the UU Hex!
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Eggnog, with herbs and things
Across the snows of Uberwald
There came an eerie wail
"I must be strong! I must hold out!
"Tonight I must not fail!"
The moonlight limned an eldritch shape
Attired in grave-dark satin
Upon the wind, a voice mused,
"I hope Nanny's kept the cat in...
"I must resist the lure tonight!
"I must stay dry! I gotta!
"I'll keep my Pledge, I will,
"Or my name isn't Margolotta!"
She clenched her fangs (oh, by the way
She doesn't waver often)
And flew back to her lonely schloss
To decorate her coffin.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Slumpie and clootie dumplings
By Palace proclamation, there's
An amnesty on mummers
On Morris Men, folksinging folks
And even - shudder - drummers
It's goodwill time around the Disc
Be kind to friends and neighbours
(Whilst watching with one eye
For Nac Mac Feegle tossing cabers)
A word of warning, though, for mimes:
Be careful where you tarry
The man beneath the mistletoe
Might be Lord Vetinari!
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
I'm dusting down my pointy hat
I'm sprucing up my broom
I'm polishing my bestest boots
And tidying the room
I'm ramming all my silver pins
Into my stern grey bun
Tonight I'm going partying
Tonight I *shall* have fun.
I'm baking festive little cakes
I'm practising my smile
I'm doing everything it takes
To celebrate in style
Tonight I can't be having with
My normal rigid self...
Make merry, now. It's *good* for you.
Enjoy yourselves - or else!
The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Doctor Mossy Lawn looked out
On his Igors merry
Tossing body parts about
Jason stoked the forge so bright
Helped by Nanny's daughters
For his yearly task tonight -
Shoeing Tusker's trottt-ters.
Good King Verence donned his bells
And with jingles gentle
Spread organic Hogswatch smells
Sybil served the party fare
With her fav'rite dragon
No fine wines on offer there -
Sam is on the waaaa-gon!
... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
if you have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.
8) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: GOING POSTAL
When we reached the latest DW book, GOING POSTAL, we decided
to hold off publishing the puzzle until next month to eliminate complaints
of "spoilers." However, here it is, next month already so we have
no more excuses. Enjoy!
Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown. Read the letters backwards and find
out who revealed the truth about the Board of the
Grand Trunk to the world.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2004 HarperCollins edition.)
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
1. Author of "Pins" (middle name, 4th letter)
2. The Chief Engineer of the Grand Trunk (last name, 3rd letter)
3. A pseudonym of Moist von Lipwig (last name, 5th letter)
4. Worshipful Master of the Order of the Post (first name, 1st letter)
5. Cockatoo who says "Twelve and a half percent! (6th letter of name)
6. Minor goddess of things that stick in drawers (4th letter of name)
7. Nickname of the head of The Golem Trust (4th letter of name)
8. Mayor of Sto Lat (first name, 2nd letter)
9. Golem who spent 9,000 years under the sea (did not
live in a pineapple) (6th letter of name)
10. An Apprentice Postman (first name, 1st letter)
11. Head of the Grand Trunk (first name, 2nd letter)
12. Owner of a ladies' hairdressing establishment (last name, 1st letter)
13. The Post Office cat (1st letter of name)
__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Group who defeated the
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/ 11/12/13/ Grand Trunk management
Puzzle solution will appear next month.
SOLUTION TO SEPTEMBER'S PUZZLE: A HAT FULL OF SKY
1. The Ondageist (first name, 4th letter)
OSWALD = A
2. Technically, the leader of the goats (last name, 3rd letter)
STINKY SAM = M
3. Actual leader of the goats and senior nanny (last name, 1st letter)
BLACK MEG = M
4. What Tiffany's name meant in the Nac Mac Feegle Old Speech
(first name, 2nd letter)
LAND UNDER WAVE = A
5. Young witch who wears a lot of occult jewelry (last name, 2nd letter)
PETULIA GRISTLE = R
6. Author of "the Higher MagiK" (last name, 6th letter)
LETICE EARWIG = G
7. Young witch with a squint (first name, 2nd letter)
HARRIETA BILK = A
8. The tap dancing mule (first name, 6th letter)
CLARENCE = N
9. Mr. Grabber's horse (first name, 3rd letter)
HENRY = N
10. Hiver's chosen name (first name, 1st letter)
ARTHUR = A
A_/M_/M_/A_/R_/G_/A/N_/N_/A/ = Coven leader of young witches
1*/ 2*/ 3*/ 4*/ 5*/6*/ 7*/8*/ 9*/ 10/ ANNAGRAMMA
If you did not get all 6 parts, write: jschaum111@...
Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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