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WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2004 -- PART 6 OF 6 (continued

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2004 -- PART 6 OF 6 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 7) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 30, 2004
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      WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2004 -- PART 6 OF 6 (continued)
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      7) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      Guess what time of year it nearly is! Yes, dust down those pig and
      sleigh ornaments and that glass replica of the Cheerful Fairy and
      get ready to wassail like you've never wassailed before. So this
      is Hogswatch, and what have you done...I wish it could be
      Hogswatch every day...here it is, Happy Hogswatch everybody...ahem.

      As a special pre-Hogswatch pressie, I've blackmailed the Bugarup
      University Professor of Poetry, or more likely Pottery, to give us
      a few appropriate verses (except where Nanny Ogg is concerned, in
      which case you're likely to get, erm, inappropriate verses). As a
      bonus, I've included the best celestially-matched holiday treat
      for each Sign. Happy Hogswatch, and don't overdo it on the
      Special Sheep Liniment. And remember, a dragon is for life, or at
      least until uncontrolled combustion occurs. Bless.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      "Your Super Callow Fragile Mystic Hogswatch Horrorscope Is..."

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Iced fairy cakes

      "'Twas the night before Hogswatch..." - a fine, festive outing
      A time for gifts, food, drink, and most of all, shouting
      The Hogfather's dressed in his robe of bright red
      He'd look great in your trophy-room - shoot for the head!
      Remember to shout at the servants and guests
      Beware party-crashers in crossbow-proof vests
      Be kind to small children - it's just once a year
      Next week you'll again be a figure of fear...
      At least Foul Ole Ron won't be scenting your hall
      For Hoggers can never be beggared at all!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Pork products on a spit. Or onna stick

      Come all ye fine Gahooligans
      Drink deep of scented ales
      Then go to sleep and sweetly dream
      Of after-Hogswatch sales
      For those of a religious bent
      The pickings will be ace
      For at year's-end rich folk will court
      Dunmanifestin's grace
      In fact, it's capital gains all 'round
      Give thanks for bulging coffers
      No need to cut your own throats now -
      It's Hogswatch! (any offers?)

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

      Chocolate. And more chocolate

      You better not shout, you better not cry
      You better watch out, I'm telling you why:
      Susan Sto Helit has a great big poker and she's gonna
      bash all the monsters under your - I'm sorry, I'll
      start that again...
      She's making a list, she's checking it twice
      She's gonna find out who's naughty or nice,
      Susan Sto Helit has a great big poker and she's gonna
      get that bogeyman hiding behind the - oh dear, this
      isn't working very well, is it? Pardon me, there's a
      cowled rat tugging at my skirt. Erm, Happy Hogswatch.
      She knows when you are sleeping, she knows if you're awake
      She knows if you've been bad or good because she's the
      granddaughter of Death, after all, and Death sees the fall
      of every sparrow and - aaah, forget it.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Roast suckling pig, assorted cakes, dessert trolley
      and a selection of wines

      Deck the halls with boughs of holllly
      Buggrit, buggrit, ook, a pint of eels
      Bow to ev'ry wizard's folly
      Buggrit, buggrit, ook, *our* one has wheels
      Fill to bursting ev'ry belly
      Bugg'rem, bugg'rem, what duck?, wheeee!
      Winkle pie for Mr Jelly,
      Buggrit, buggrit, ook, the first one's free.
      Deck the Libr'ry with bananas
      Buggrit, buggrit, ook, cough cough, cough cough
      For tonight the Watch won't ban us
      Buggrit, buggrit, ook, the wheels fell off
      Toast we now our figgins tender
      Bugg'rem, bugg'rem, what duck?, wheeee!
      Arrgh! The Bursar's on a bender!
      Buggrit, buggrit, eek! - some Dried Frog tea?

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Drinks (well duh)

      Your Lancre scumble is a drink
      Best served in tiny capfuls
      Beware! It's stronger than you think
      Though made from *mostly* apples
      Reannuals must be drunk with care!
      Here's news for all you wonderers:
      They, erm, repeat (and Bilians fair
      Are also known as Chunderers)
      Booze should be viewed with jaundiced eyes
      As dangerous to sceptics
      For after all - with this star sign -
      You're *bound* to feel dyspeptic!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Pumpkins and black pudding

      A lonely Fool sat in his cold, cold cell
      With tears on his Face and rust on his bells
      His bladder deflated, a sad, sad shell:
      "I won't be home for Hogswatch."
      A trio of Thieves with their empty bags
      Too down to be bothered collecting swag
      Complained to their victims, "It's such a drag
      "We won't be home for Hogswatch."
      But suddenly, blue sparkles filled the night
      And all four beheld an alarming weird sight
      And a voice like deep thunder said, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
      COME HOME WITH *ME* FOR HOGSWATCH.

      (Unsurprisingly, they declined.)

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Little cheese cubes on plain toothpicks

      Step softly, step softly, on this Hogswatch Day
      The party is swinging (the kitchen's *this* way...)
      Come early, be low-key, and don't stay too late
      You might be attacked by a pineapple, mate!
      Be careful, be careful of what's there to eat
      The snacks are too spicy, the punch is too sweet
      In pork pies and sausages (loaded with fat!)
      Food poisoning lurks - can't be having with *that*
      Of bikkies, beware; sarnies? They're for ignoring
      In fact, just stay home.
      Ain't it fun to be boring?

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Stoo with named meat

      Hogswatch is a-coming, the Dean is very fat
      Please to put a figgin in his pointy hat
      Hogswatch is a-coming, Lord Downey's wearing black
      Please to put some poison in the old man's sack
      Hogswatch is a-coming and Death is on the prowl
      Please to put two coppers in his deep, dark cowl
      Hogswatch is a-coming and Cohen has a sword
      Please to give him rubies or you might get gored
      Hogswatch is a-coming and Dibbler's in his coat
      Please to buy a sausage or he'll cut his throat
      Reality is wavering, all Ponder's team are wrecks
      So please, please, put a figgin in the UU Hex!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Eggnog, with herbs and things

      Across the snows of Uberwald
      There came an eerie wail
      "I must be strong! I must hold out!
      "Tonight I must not fail!"
      The moonlight limned an eldritch shape
      Attired in grave-dark satin
      Upon the wind, a voice mused,
      "I hope Nanny's kept the cat in...
      "I must resist the lure tonight!
      "I must stay dry! I gotta!
      "I'll keep my Pledge, I will,
      "Or my name isn't Margolotta!"
      She clenched her fangs (oh, by the way
      She doesn't waver often)
      And flew back to her lonely schloss
      To decorate her coffin.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Slumpie and clootie dumplings

      By Palace proclamation, there's
      An amnesty on mummers
      On Morris Men, folksinging folks
      And even - shudder - drummers
      It's goodwill time around the Disc
      Be kind to friends and neighbours
      (Whilst watching with one eye
      For Nac Mac Feegle tossing cabers)
      A word of warning, though, for mimes:
      Be careful where you tarry
      The man beneath the mistletoe
      Might be Lord Vetinari!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Unconsidered trifle

      I'm dusting down my pointy hat
      I'm sprucing up my broom
      I'm polishing my bestest boots
      And tidying the room
      I'm ramming all my silver pins
      Into my stern grey bun
      Tonight I'm going partying
      Tonight I *shall* have fun.
      I'm baking festive little cakes
      I'm practising my smile
      I'm doing everything it takes
      To celebrate in style
      Tonight I can't be having with
      My normal rigid self...
      Make merry, now. It's *good* for you.
      Enjoy yourselves - or else!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Strawberry wobbler

      Doctor Mossy Lawn looked out
      On his Igors merry
      Tossing body parts about
      (It's herrydeterry)
      Jason stoked the forge so bright
      Helped by Nanny's daughters
      For his yearly task tonight -
      Shoeing Tusker's trottt-ters.
      Good King Verence donned his bells
      And with jingles gentle
      Spread organic Hogswatch smells
      (Quite experimental)
      Sybil served the party fare
      With her fav'rite dragon
      No fine wines on offer there -
      Sam is on the waaaa-gon!

      &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      8) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: GOING POSTAL
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      When we reached the latest DW book, GOING POSTAL, we decided
      to hold off publishing the puzzle until next month to eliminate complaints
      of "spoilers." However, here it is, next month already so we have
      no more excuses. Enjoy!

      Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
      the spot shown. Read the letters backwards and find
      out who revealed the truth about the Board of the
      Grand Trunk to the world.
      (Note: all spellings are from the 2004 HarperCollins edition.)
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
      ANSWER: Terry = T
      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

      1. Author of "Pins" (middle name, 4th letter)

      2. The Chief Engineer of the Grand Trunk (last name, 3rd letter)

      3. A pseudonym of Moist von Lipwig (last name, 5th letter)

      4. Worshipful Master of the Order of the Post (first name, 1st letter)

      5. Cockatoo who says "Twelve and a half percent! (6th letter of name)

      6. Minor goddess of things that stick in drawers (4th letter of name)

      7. Nickname of the head of The Golem Trust (4th letter of name)

      8. Mayor of Sto Lat (first name, 2nd letter)

      9. Golem who spent 9,000 years under the sea (did not
      live in a pineapple) (6th letter of name)

      10. An Apprentice Postman (first name, 1st letter)

      11. Head of the Grand Trunk (first name, 2nd letter)

      12. Owner of a ladies' hairdressing establishment (last name, 1st letter)

      13. The Post Office cat (1st letter of name)

      __/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Group who defeated the
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/ 11/12/13/ Grand Trunk management

      Puzzle solution will appear next month.

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      SOLUTION TO SEPTEMBER'S PUZZLE: A HAT FULL OF SKY
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      1. The Ondageist (first name, 4th letter)
      OSWALD = A
      2. Technically, the leader of the goats (last name, 3rd letter)
      STINKY SAM = M
      3. Actual leader of the goats and senior nanny (last name, 1st letter)
      BLACK MEG = M
      4. What Tiffany's name meant in the Nac Mac Feegle Old Speech
      (first name, 2nd letter)
      LAND UNDER WAVE = A
      5. Young witch who wears a lot of occult jewelry (last name, 2nd letter)
      PETULIA GRISTLE = R
      6. Author of "the Higher MagiK" (last name, 6th letter)
      LETICE EARWIG = G
      7. Young witch with a squint (first name, 2nd letter)
      HARRIETA BILK = A
      8. The tap dancing mule (first name, 6th letter)
      CLARENCE = N
      9. Mr. Grabber's horse (first name, 3rd letter)
      HENRY = N
      10. Hiver's chosen name (first name, 1st letter)
      ARTHUR = A

      A_/M_/M_/A_/R_/G_/A/N_/N_/A/ = Coven leader of young witches
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/ 4*/ 5*/6*/ 7*/8*/ 9*/ 10/ ANNAGRAMMA
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      If you did not get all 6 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


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