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WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 7) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady Anaemia
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 31, 2004
      WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      "Accident of birth." Have you ever stopped to think on what that means?
      We all know how significant date of birth is, but place of birth matters
      just as much, you know; the stars rule our destiny, but the map does
      too. Jograffy is important, when you think about it - after all, you
      wouldn't want to put weeks of effort into digging out the Number 3
      upshaft only to discover that it comes out on the bottom of Lake
      Zlobenia! This month we're going to look at what you might have been
      like if you'd been born under the same Sign, but only, say, a few
      hundred miles Turnwise...


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your alternate self: Tezuman priest

      Feeling a bit low this week? It's not surprising: that shortage of
      sacrificial virgins is only going to get worse until the 16th. Find
      something to do with your hands, like polishing that set of
      NeverDull(TM) obsidian knives your auntie gave you last Quetzovercoatl
      Day. The week of the 21st is good for travel, and may bring you the
      pleasant surprise of a fresh party of foreign explorers. The second week
      of the month will be a creative, mentally stimulating time, with your
      deductive powers at their highest; consider inventing the wheel. Beware
      of parrots.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your alternate self: Hublands barbarian

      By Clom, this will be an exciting month and no mistake! Your lucky stars
      will lead you to the best demon-haunted abandoned temple of your career,
      and a jewelled idol that makes the Eye of Offler look like a dodgy-grade
      Ankhstone. Unusual movement of Great A'Tuin's left rear flipper will
      bring your moon into alignment and guarantee some of the best
      swordfights of the working year. What's more, in the second week you've
      a great chance of scoring with that hot hussy Red Scharron - no more
      need to pilfer sacrificial virgins from the Tezuman Empire. Protect your
      voonerables with a hippo-grease poultice, and be sure to eat your horse
      cheese. The 27th is a creative time; consider learning to read.


      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

      Your alternate self: Genuan socialite

      The colour purple will bring you luck this month. Not before time
      either, since you've been wearing it all these years. The first two
      weeks of the month are favourable for travel to large foreign cities,
      and for meddling in the affairs of princes; it's also a good time to
      write to your favourite nephew, and to send him a gift of some of those
      nifty new poisons you've been working on. The 19th looks good for
      romance, especially with dashing Watchmen. Any ball given after the 21st
      will be a sure success. Take up knitting again; your high speed
      needle-throwing could do with some practice. Beware of mysterious ladies
      with a penchant for mirrors.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your alternate self: Uberwald mine supervisor

      Don't bother getting out of bed tomorrow morning - that promising new
      seam will turn out to be nothing but pyrites. But in the middle of the
      month the stars will favour you with a rich unexpected seam of silver,
      just the ticket for your new customers in Bonk. Send your daughter to
      the blacksmith on the 11th to get her beard trimmed. An unsettled time
      on the 22nd means you'd best count your gold even more carefully than
      usual. Don't forget the 29th: "Today is a good day to dig." Tell the
      missus to lighten up on the catbox tailings in this month's baking.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your alternate self: Agatean squishi chef

      Danger, Will Robbing Sun! An unfortunately leaky blowfish could spell
      the end of your career this month! A short and nasty end, too, so take
      exceptional care when preparing that banquet platter for the Grand
      Vizier's tea party. But Bilious smiles upon the Earth Dragon this month,
      so play your mah-jongg right and you may well get that position in the
      Emperor's kitchens. The third week of the month will be a creative time;
      consider inventing peasants' rights. A mysterious stranger from the West
      will fill your life with excitement. Offer him your wife, and some horse


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your alternate self: Quirmian cheesemaker

      Blessed are the cheesemakers! And there's no more star-blessed time for
      laying down a new run of Brassica Blue Vein than the first week of this
      month. The 10th favours curd cheese and yoghourts. Hard cheeses will be
      difficult until the 22nd, and making Quirmembert is a bad idea until
      much closer to Hogswatch. Sto Lat Runny is right out. However, any time
      after the 15th will be good for experimenting with those new low-fat
      cheeses for the Nouveau Uberwald restaurant craze. The 26th is a
      creative time: consider inventing the milking machine.


      Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your alternate self: Borogravian innkeeper

      Great news! In a few days, a party of valiant soldiers will be stopping
      by for a week's bivouac, Nuggan be praised! So stock up now on cut-price
      socks and shatterproof beer steins, and put up some new opaque curtains
      on the shower shed out in the stableyard. Don't bother sharpening the
      complimentary razors, though. Mid-month will bring a decisive time for
      local brewers, so lay in as many barrels of Duchess Heavy now before
      they decide to raise prices again. There will be a short shower of
      garlic and chocolates on the 13th; be kind to vultures and albatrosses.
      The second week of the month is your most creative time; consider
      inventing women's rights.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your alternate self: Ankh-Morpork street vendor

      You're having a wonderful run now, what with all those pre-Hogswatch
      sales, but beware - T'Phon's Toe moves into the Occluded Hangnail
      position this month and can adversely affect your customer relations.
      Now is the season to scrimp less and cut fewer corners, if you don't
      want to spend the festive season hiding out to avoid certain, erm,
      unsatisfied clients. The 14th is a good time for selling pies. The 18th
      is a bad time for selling elderly sausages. Snow-globes will be a
      popular item from the second week onwards (the public has a short memory
      sometimes), but be very careful where you get them. Avoid crocodile
      products, especially on the hoof.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your alternate self: Fourecksian bushranger

      Life has been a bit dry and flat lately, but that will change this
      month. Hoki will smile on you in the form of a long-hidden cache of beer
      - follow your heart and look for kangaroo-sign and you'll be laughing.
      The 21st is a good time to move your secret hide-out, because they'll be
      reopening that old opal mine. A wizard may lead you to riches on the
      16th. Be kind to tall, burly women in floaty exotic clothing; you never
      know when you might need a pair of stilettoes. The 25th will see a rain
      of sheep, which is almost as good as a rain of rain. The last week of
      the month is your creative time; consider inventing truth in politics.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your alternate self: Brindisian opera singer

      Oi! Wake up! Here's a nice plate of squid and pasta, that will help. Now
      pay attention: under no circumstances should you travel abroad this
      month. Beware! Especially beware of touring large urban centres. Your
      stars are dangerously unsettled at the moment; if you do sing abroad,
      say in Ankh-Morpork, you will surely happen upon disturbing old ladies,
      murderous ghosts, and upsetting foreign foods such as pork pies and
      clootie dumplings. Not only will your life be turned upside-down, but
      you may become a different person altogether, with a different name, a
      different language, a different family -- oh, you've fallen asleep again.
      I don't know why I bother.


      The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your alternate self: Llamedosian bard

      The first half of this month will be good for rain, but poor for human
      sacrifices; it seems the stars favour Hublands barbarians' sacrificial
      virgin-rescuing powers. The 11th is the best time to begin and bless new
      lutes and such (remember when you preserved the skin of Hywwllll, the
      Druid who said he hated music? - well, this is a good time to make a
      lyre of him). If you want your standing stones to remain standing, don't
      erect any new ones until after the 23rd. Romance is in the air from the
      15th, so brush up on your marriage ceremonies (the ones that *don't*
      involve sacrificing virgins. That's the groom's job). On the 29th, sweep
      out and exorcise that underground solstice temple, so as to be sure that
      Elvish has left the building. The second half of the month will also be
      good for rain.

      Dianne Hughes wrote:
      I liked my horoscope, "beware of parrots!" , but there was no mention of
      the blue-tongued lizard which bit me yesterday, you have fallen down
      badly Miss Anaemia Asterisk. I picked it up in the sure belief I was
      safe because there was no mention of being bitten by a blue-tongued
      lizard in my stars. -- Dianne

      Heeheehee! Dianne, your talent for misfortune never ceases to astonish
      me :-) But don't fret, dearie. Here it is. All you need is a time machine
      to go back to last month. -- AA

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Your alternate self: Klatchian camel driver

      Be of great joy! The shifting stars will harmonise with the shifting
      sands this month, bringing cool oases, refreshing winds, and good
      trade prices at the souk. On the 12th, pay careful attention to the
      spittings and scratch-marks of your lead camel: they'll contain the
      solution to all your water conservation calculations. Your dreams of a
      deep double waterhole will come true halfway through the month, when
      following the line of an unusual rock formation will show wadi, wadi.
      Also, the 17th is a good time to burnish your burnoose. Don't sell any
      camels or any daughters until the 30th. Watch out for lizards.


      Since we have reached the latest DW book, GOING POSTAL, we are
      holding off publishing its puzzle until next month to eliminate complaints
      of "spoilers." (Also because we've run out of room.

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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