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WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 10) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady Anaemia
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 30, 2004
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      WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      Hello my little skywalkers! It's been pointed out to me that the
      Agateans have a perfectly good horoscope of their own, so this
      month I've included the corresponding Agatean signs for all.

      Due to great advances in pig treacle reclamation technology,
      resin modelling has entered a wonderful new age. No longer do
      we have to make do with rough hand-carved wooden avatars
      - no, there are now intricate, attractive treacle-resin action
      figures of gods, monsters, celebrities and even Ordinary
      People(TM) available at fairs, markets and curiosity shops,
      many at a price even residents of Cockbill Street can afford!
      So this month I have carefully matched likely action figures
      to your Zodiac signs. All figures are fully articulated, hand
      finished, and ready to provide hours of amusement. This has
      nothing to do with my purchasing large blocks of treacle
      futures, no, not at all...

      Yours sincerely,
      Anaemia Asterisk


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 March-20 April

      Your Agatean sign is the Blowfish
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with extra-large Wizard's Staff, set of fishing flies,
      UU robes, official UU tracksuit, crossbow and bottle of Wow-Wow

      The Ridcully Action Figure is capable of gentle minor spellcasting
      when you wave his staff. Press the secret button in his hat and he
      shouts and his face grows red! This Action Figure makes a great
      desk organiser. Literally. For a small additional price, the
      Deluxe Limited Edition Ridcully offers a flock of Blasteds and a
      realistic B. S. Johnson brass-trimmed Archchancellor's Bath Tub.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 April-21 May

      Your Agatean sign is the Reciprocating Fox
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with many-pocketed robe, bi-directional quill pens,
      sketchbooks, measuring devices, homemade explosives recipes, and
      an assortment of model engines of war (to be used for peaceful
      purposes only)

      The Leonard of Quirm Action Figure has fully moveable eyes to
      indicate expressions of deep thought, and features full wrist action
      for simultaneous left- and right-handed writing. Pressing his left
      shoulderblade causes your Leonard to recite abstruse formulae
      whilst sketching birds and smiling absently; pressing his right
      knee will make him draw weapons of mass destruction. A truly
      inspirational toy for children of all ages.


      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May-21 June

      Your Agatean sign is the Heavenly Tourist
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with steel-toed red boots, willow-reinforced hat,
      banjo, spare knicker elastic, phial of scumble and genuine dwarf-
      reconditioned broomstick

      The Gytha Ogg Action Figure is ready for *any* kind of action
      (and at her age, too...). Place the banjo in her hands and hear her
      sing 35 verses of the Hedgehog Song! Her cleverly made fingers
      can feel for dust under any surface in the home or dollhouse. The
      Super Deluxe Edition Gytha includes a scale-model Greebo; sadly,
      only the cat form is available. This Action Figure is not recommended
      for children over the age of three or adult males under the age of 65.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 June-22 July

      Your Agatean sign is the Hoarse Whisperer
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with rewritable chem, imitation clay for patching,
      bill of self-purchase, Watchman's badge, and Personal Holy Days

      The Dorfl Action Figure is a marvel of modern manufacturing: fine
      treacle-resin modelled to perfectly resemble ancient rough-sculpted
      clay! Your Dorfl is a tireless worker, even though he works by choice
      and not because you order him to. Press the centre of his back and he
      will spout declarations of self-interested purpose and discourse at
      length on philosophy and the nature of theology and Free Will, all
      in Obviously Capitalised And Portentous Words. A true marvel!


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 July-23 August

      Your Agatean sign is the Water Feature
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with featureless grey robes, a number of overly fussy
      attempted haute-couture outfits, large bodyguards, and a selection of
      fine chocolates (WARNING: insertion of too many chocolates will
      cause your Action Figure to explode)

      The Lady LeJean aka Unity Action Figure can materialise and
      dematerialise at command, so be careful to keep track of it when you're
      tidying up. Pressing her left, erm, hip will make her seek all manner
      of human sensations and pleasures, some of them embarrassing (except
      to the Gytha Ogg Action Figure). Beware: this Action Figure will learn
      from experience.


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 August-23 September

      Your Agatean sign is One Won Ton
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with slightly bent poker, disarrangeable hairstyle,
      sensible shoes, Robe of Absolute Darkness(TM), scythe, schoolteacher's
      outfit and a fetching black lace semi-goth gown

      The Susan Sto Helit Action Figure has a habit of apparently, well,
      disappearing, and is best located by squinting until your eyes water.
      Press her cute little nose and she will search under your bed for
      monsters to bash. Your Susan Action Figure can recite several dozen
      reasons for not believing in folk tales and superstitions. Particularly
      suitable for ill-behaved children. Don't place her too close to the Lady
      Myria Action Figure or she may steal some of the chocolates.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 September-23 October

      Your Agatean sign is the Bureaucrat
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with rusty armour and helmet, greasy dog-ends,
      Morris dancing bells and hankies, and certificate of species

      The Nobby Nobbs Action Figure is best displayed in dark alleys,
      shadowed corners and under bridges where it can have a quiet smoke.
      Press the boil on the tip of his nose and he will attempt to open your
      wall safe or jewellery boxes while claiming he's just checking, guv'nor.
      This Action Figure can assume all known dirty street-fighting
      positions and should be handled whilst wearing gloves.


      Okjok, the Salesman 24 October-22 November

      Your Agatean sign is the Dragon's Egg
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with orange robes, lockpick set, broom, Yeti with
      detachable head, and personal Procrastinator (no batteries needed)

      The Lobsang Ludd Action Figure must be handled with care: if you
      move it too fast, you may find the air around you turning blue and
      experience difficulty with watch and clock functionality. However,
      playing with this Action Figure is never a waste of Time! Press the
      button on his left heel and he will steal your wallet, watch and socks.
      The Deluxe Limited Edition Lobsang can recite the entire Way of
      Mrs Cosmopilite.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 November-21 December

      Your Agatean sign is the Vampire Ghost
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with iconograph, spare tins of paint, imp food,
      notebooks, eye-watering patterned shirts and shorts, maps and

      The Twoflower Action Figure is suitable for travel and can be
      placed on the dashboard of your vehicle (just below the fuzzy dice).
      Press on his eyeglasses and he will say "How many rhinu for that
      humorous native statuette?" in a number of dialects. The iconograph
      takes real pictures, but go easy on use because its imp is very small
      and impatient. The Deluxe Edition Twoflower comes with Luggage.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 December-20 January

      Your Agatean sign is the Bonsai Mountain
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with origami kit, selection of arcane poisons, hair
      oil, Imperial Court robes, forked tongue, and reproduction ancient
      Ankh-Morpork formal dress costumes

      The Lord Hong action figure excels at getting other Action Figures to
      do its dirty work. Press the secret button - you have to figure out where
      it is yourself without getting pricked by Lord Hong's concealed poison
      -coated knife - and he will recite poetry, plot the destruction of empires,
      and make exquisite squishi and/or origami animals. This Action
      Figure is best stored well away from any others!


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 January-18 February

      Your Agatean sign is the Barking Mad Dog
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with running shoes, Wizzard hat, tattered robes,
      XXXXian survival kit, bag of peanuts, half-brick in a sock, and

      The Rincewind Action Figure keeps best when away from any sort of
      action whatsoever. Press his scraggly beard and he screams for help
      in seventeen languages. Place him anywhere near knives and he runs
      away at a quite impressive speed. The Deluxe Edition Rincewind
      includes a reproduction Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography
      office, with a window to somewhere...surprising.


      The Flying Moose 19 February-20 March

      Your Agatean sign is Beti, the Exotic Dancer
      Your action figure is:

      Comes complete with 8" frying pan (to scale), copy of Diseases of the
      Sheep, phial of Special Sheep Liniment, cheese moulds, shamble,
      and invisible Hat

      The Tiffany Aching Action Figure seems to have a will of its own. It
      will move when your back is turned, pop up in unexpected places, and
      generally disobey while at the same time being unsettlingly clever and
      resourceful. Squeeze her right hand and she will make delicious
      cheese; squeeze her left and she will bash the nearest monster
      with her frying pan. Not recommended for inclusion in the same
      collection s the Susan Action Figure, unless you want your life utterly
      rearranged in sensible but surprising ways. Be warned: this Action
      Figure tends to attract Nac Mac Feegle, so keep your booze cupboard
      securely locked and nail down all valuables.


      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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