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WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2004 -- PART 1 OF 3

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion August 2004 (Volume 7, Issue 8) *********************************************************************
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 1, 2004
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      WOSSNAME
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      August 2004 (Volume 7, Issue 8)
      *********************************************************************
      WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
      worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
      including the North American Discworld Society and other
      continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
      your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
      *********************************************************************
      Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
      Managing Editor: Annie Mac
      News Editor: Bethany Ayers
      Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
      Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
      Puzzle Editor: Jared Hays
      DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
      Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
      Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
      Art Director: Rhett Pennell
      World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
      Convention News Editor: Anna M. Conina
      Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
      Copyright 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      INDEX:

      ====Part 1

      1) PRATCHETT RECEIVES KFL AWARD AT WORLDCON
      2) NEW PRATCHETT BOOK FOR 2005
      3) TERRY'S U.S. SIGNING SCHEDULE FOR GOING POSTAL

      ====Part 2

      4) APOLOGY

      5) KFL MEETINGS AROUND THE WORLD
      THE MINI-MEL MEET, AUSTRALIA

      6) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
      7) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: MONSTROUS REGIMENT

      ====Part 3

      8) THE NEW DISC HOROSCOPE
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      1) PRATCHETT RECEIVES KFL AWARD AT WORLDCON

      SCRIPT FOR THE PRATCHETT KFL PRESENTATION AT THE 62nd WORLDCON
      (NOREASCON FOUR, BOSTON, MASS., USA, SEPTEMBER 2-6, 2004)

      CAST:

      SUSAN DEATH: Anna M. Conina. Dressed in necronerdish black velvet and
      lace, with glowing blue scythe, wig, Quoth the Raven, and Death of Rats.
      NUDGER MALIK: Sheila Strickland. Dressed in KFL hat, cadaverous makeup,
      ludicrously fake moustache, and bristling with fake arrow wounds through the
      head and chest.
      TERRY PRATCHETT: Himself.
      Plus VARIOUS LEGIONNAIRES and an AUDIENCE OF RANDOM INNOCENT BYSTANDERS

      [SUSAN DEATH and NUDGER MALIK enter. SUSAN is holding a KFL hat
      and scrapbook; MALIK is bearing a hatbox of cookies. Various
      LEGIONNAIRES are in the audience, taking embarrassing pictures. TERRY
      PRATCHETT will ideally remain for the entire short ceremony and not
      run away, change his name, and regret ever inventing the concept of the KFL.]

      SUSAN: Good evening. I am Susan Sto Helit, and this is Private
      Nudger Malik, late of the Klatchian Foreign Legion, and now just . . .
      very, very late. To the point of rigor mortis.

      MALIK: [Offers a sheepish little finger wave to the AUDIENCE] 'Ello.

      SUSAN: We are here tonight on behalf of Commandant Joseph
      Schaumburger of the roundworld division of the Klatchian Foreign
      Legion, for the purpose of bestowing an unprecedented honor upon
      our favorite author, Mr. Terry Pratchett. As you know, my Grandfather
      was affiliated with the Legion for a brief yet memorable time.

      MALIK: [looking lost] I don't remember that . . . .

      SUSAN: [sighing heavily] Typical. As I was saying, the Legion holds
      a special spot in my Grandfather's heart. Or ribcage, at least. As for
      Private Malik, he is here to represent the average Legionnaire --
      specifically,
      the condition of the average soldier after a few days' tour of duty. So,
      without further ado . . . [Turning from MALIK to TERRY] Mr. Pratchett,
      in recognition of your outstanding civilian service to the Klatchian Foreign
      Legion --

      MALIK: Such as dreaming up the bloody deathtrap in the first place
      -- not that I'm bitter --

      SUSAN: -- we are here to name you an Honorary Commandant of the
      KFL. Your official hat bears the inscription "Commandant Pratchett"
      and the official KFL motto, "Obliviscor." [both SUSAN and MALIK hold
      out their hands to indicate the hat in a classic Game Show Hostess
      Presentation Style] As opposed to the unofficial motto:
      "Join the KFL, meet interesting people, and get killed by them,"
      which doesn't fit on the badge very well.

      MALIK: Plus it's absolute crap for morale.

      SUSAN: You will also receive this hatbox full of Klatchian sweets --
      Private Malik, please refrain from bleeding on the sweets -- and this
      scrapbook presented on behalf of the Seamstresses' Guild. Their
      Liaison for Legionnaire Affairs, Denise Connell of Snapdragon Gifts, tells
      me they still mourn the loss of so many good men to the Legion.

      MALIK: [leering] And were there ever a lot of Legionnaire affairs to liaison.

      SUSAN: [with the naivete of a graduate of the Quirm College for
      Young Ladies] Lots of mending arrow holes in uniforms, I expect?

      MALIK: Um . . . something like that. Never mind.

      SUSAN: At any rate, this honorary commandant-ship also
      comes complete with the following rights and privileges:
      [SUSAN and MALIK take turns reading from a list]

      MALIK: The right to a name beginning with "Beau," such as
      "Beau Geste" or "Beau Nidle," as a fringe benefit. Or, you
      might say, as a "Beau-nus". [Makes exaggerated quotation
      marks in the air with index fingers while grinning madly]

      SUSAN: [sternly] If you weren't already dead, I'd kill you
      myself for that dreadful pun. Not to mention the cutesy
      "quoty fingers." [emulating the offending air quotation marks]

      MALIK: [thoroughly chastised] Sorry.

      SUSAN: You certainly are. [returns to reading the list]
      You have the right to a D'reg phrasebook, containing such
      useful communiques as "I surrender," 'Please don't kill me,"
      and . . .ahem. . . "Bugger this for a game of soldiers."

      MALIK: The right to all the sand you can eat.

      SUSAN: The right to one case of CMOT Dibbler's Miracle
      Blood Remover laundry stain stick,*** made of pure nitroglycerine
      and unident pork byproducts. Dissolves the heaviest gore --
      and fabric, unfortunately -- on contact.

      MALIK: [clearly not happy to read this right and privilege
      out loud in front of SUSAN] The right to . . . er . . . one free
      tuppenny upright from the Seamstresses' Guild. Which is a
      fancy type of trouser hem, in case you were wondering.

      SUSAN: I thought it was a jam doughnut.

      MALIK: [bluffing wildly] That too!

      SUSAN: [sighs and continues] You have the right to throw
      anybody you don't like into the pit. I would suggest Private Malik.

      MALIK: [undaunted] And, lest we forget, the right to sign all
      official correspondence with "And you better do as I say, 'cause
      I'm a Commandant and you're not. Nyah, nyah, nyah."

      SUSAN: [turning over the list to make sure nothing more is printed
      on the back] And that's it? What about salary and benefits?

      MALIK: [shrugging] The boys in payroll said, "If it's an honorary
      commandant-ship, and the flash bastard's not getting shot at by
      real arrows, then he's bloody well not getting any real money, either."

      [disgusted with the entire thing] Lovely. For more
      information about the Klatchian Foreign Legion and its amazingly
      shoddy rights and privileges, please speak to Private Malik and
      me after the ceremony. Congratulations, Commandant Pratchett.
      [SUSAN and MALIK fire off snappy salutes, joined by any assembled
      LEGIONNAIRES, and then encourage applause from the assembled
      AUDIENCE] Would you care to say a few words, or are you
      rendered speechless by the sheer magnitude of the honor?
      ______________

      *** For the record, the label reads, in full: "CMOT Dibbler's Miracle
      Blood Remover laundry stain stick. Removes the stubbornest
      stains! Ingredients: nitroglycerine, pork byproducts, artificial coloring.
      Bottled by the Alchemists' Guild. Use in a well-ventilated area. Always
      test for colorfastness on an inconspicuous area of garment. Not to be
      used on synthetic fibers. Or natural fibers. Or chainmail. Use of this
      product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling is a violation of
      Ankh-Morpork law. Use of this product in a manner *consistent*
      with its labeling is a violation of Ankh-Morpork law. In fact, why don't
      you just put the bottle down -- slowly -- and run. The haz-mat team
      will be here shortly."
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      2) NEW PRATCHETT BOOK FOR 2005

      Colin Smythe, Terry's agent, reports that Terry is working on his next book.
      It will take place in Ankh-Morpork, and will feature much action between
      trolls and dwarves reliving a certain battle. It will be called THUD.
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      3) TERRY'S U.S. SIGNING SCHEDULE FOR GOING POSTAL

      According to HarperCollins, Terry's American publisher, after his
      signings at the World, on Tuesday, September 7th, at 6:00 PM
      Terry Pratchett will speak and sign books at:

      BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY
      Rabb Lecture Hall
      700 Boylston Street
      Boston, MA 02116
      Tel: 617-636-5400

      From there, Terry will do the same on Wednesday, September 8th at 7:00 PM
      at:

      FREE LIBRARY OF PHILADELPHIA
      Montgomery Auditorium
      1901 Vine Street
      Philadelphia, PA 19103
      Tel: 215-567-4341

      and will then sign books again on Friday, September 10th at 7:30 PM at:

      BORDERS BAILEY'S CROSSROADS
      5871 Crossroads Center Way
      Bailey's Crossroads, VA 22041
      Tel: 703-998-0121

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3



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