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WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 8) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady Anaemia
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 1, 2004
      WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      Hello my cosmological possums, it's time for another month's horoscope. This
      month I have managed to acquire, at great expense and difficulty, a genuine
      Ankh-Morpork crystal ball that fell through a wormhole in L-space! With this
      marvelous prognostication aid, I can truly see into the future and tell you
      what your life is going to be like. Isn't modern thaumology wonderful?

      -- Lady Anemia Asterisk


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      The morning sun will wake you gently, but you'll shout at it anyway, just so
      it knows its place. Then you'll shout at the fawning servant who brings you
      your morning tea (even, or perhaps especially, if said fawning servant
      happens to be your spouse). After a suitably pacified breakfast, you will
      proceed to your place of "work", where naturally you are either the CEO or at
      least the head of your department, and bully your underlings. A helpful
      assistant will draw your attention to a potentially serious problem; pay no
      attention to him. After a corporate power lunch of blowfish squishi, you will
      attend a meeting. Or possibly not, since you will be waylaid by a cadre of
      angry, fed-up subordinates wielding pitchforks; this is the sort of thing
      happens to a typical arrogant Hogger. Be sure to run, or there will be no
      point in getting out of bed tomorrow. Sometimes shouting just isn't enough.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Business is going to be good this month! Today is a good, nay, a wonderful
      to set up your wares just off Sator Square, slightly out of the main drag so
      the Watch won't take *too* much notice of you. I'd tell you that the arcane
      art of shung fooey indicates that you should place your stall in a Turnwise
      direction to placate the earth-dragon, but the truth is that this is the best
      display angle to catch the attention of the wagonload of Quirm Ladies'
      Auxiliary daytrippers coming later this morning. Remember to eat an
      energy-filled breakfast, since you'll be chasing several shoplifters today.
      Also, the senior UU staff will be passing through the area between lunch and
      tiffin, so it's a good idea to hide those fake knobbed staffs that have been
      such a good seller recently. It pays to be vigilant.


      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

      What a fine day for explorations and experiments! Get out there and make the
      most of the lovely weather. Just take care to do it in your own body, astral
      projection is right out this month. You're going to meet a lot of sheep, so
      take a soft cloth for wiping off the lanolin. It's also time to make a small
      pilgrimage to bury some tobacco up on the moorlands, you know the place and
      the brand. And remember, it never hurts to carry a medium-sized frying pan,
      since certain, erm, troubles can tend to recur. Today a former adversary will
      bring you a basket of eldritch-shaped biscuits; be nice to her, but don't
      teach her any of your special tricks. Today will be an interesting day
      altogether, can you say - and spell - "susurrus"? (a note for Susan: you will
      meet a tall dark stranger. Don't forget to thank him for the woolly scarf he
      gave you at the last family get-together).


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Tomorrow the Queen will ask you to tea. You could at least try to look
      honoured, and don't badger her to toast the marshmallows for you herself.
      Also, remember your place: Pewsey is *not* a suitable playmate to bring along
      for a young Princess. A barrel of vintage scumble (yes, the one from three
      weeks ago) will explode next Wednesday, so be sure the roof thatch is well
      watered and that there will be at least one extra daughter-in-law on hand for
      the clean-up. Drop down to the smithy and ask Jason to make you a new pair of
      toenail pliers before your next bath - the ricochets are getting dangerous.
      You might want to lay in a stock of dwarf bread, since a certain amorous
      personage of inconsiderable altitude will be passing your way at the end of
      the week, and uncork that old bottle of Genuan perfume to let it breathe for
      few days. Or just douse yourself in scumble, the effect is pretty much the


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      As soon as you wake up tomorrow morning, get dressed and go directly to the
      nearest apothecary shop. Once there, stock up copiously on emetics,
      anti-emetics, stomach soothers, gas dispersers, headache powders, nerve
      tonics, muscle tonics, eye drops, nose drops, sudden-blood-pressure-drop
      drops, every available medication to combat Klatchian Two-Step, rehydration
      powders, salt tablets, mood elevators, and a supply of clean cotton towels.
      Now you can go home and safely open the letter that will have landed on your
      doorstep: an invitation to the Reannual Growers' Wasters 'n' Tasters Ball. Be
      sure to have your medicines at the ready because the very opening of the
      envelope will set in motion a time-train culminating momentarily in - well,
      all know about reannuals. In fact, you'd best be sitting down on the gazunda.
      Better safe than sorry!


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Life in the Watch can be boring and repetitive, but it can also sometimes be
      dangerous and exciting (if your idea of "exciting" is being chased by a
      flame-breathing Draco Nobilis, or a man with a gonne, or an insane
      power-crazed mutant Golem), and tomorrow may well be one of those latter
      times. Yes, the Koom Valley Commemorative Battle Games are on again this
      year, bigger and better than ever (if your idea of "better" is more clubs,
      more axes, more skull-bashing violence than ever seen in Morporkian
      Make sure there's extra padding in your helmet and make *very* sure to wear
      your Protective. But don't polish your breastplate - that only makes you a
      better target. Also, take along your copy of the Dwarf-Morporkian and
      Troll-Morporkian phrasebooks. A Dwarf-Troll phrasebook would be handy, but
      troll translators have only made it as far as Aarghhh.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      You forgot, didn't you? Yes, you did, you forgot to feed Hex's mouse again.
      don't look so surprised when you get to the HEM Building tomorrow and
      that that delicate calculation you left running overnight has not only caused
      Hex to overheat and spew charred paper and roasted ants all over the room,
      there's also a multidimensional vortex open in the tearoom and it's in the
      process of eating the walls and furniture *and* the vats of trifle Mrs
      prepared for the midafternoon Faculty snack. Dearie me, when you make a
      Situation you don't do it by halves, do you? Tomorrow is a good day for
      travel, particularly around 11 a.m. when the Archchancellor hears about your
      little oversight. I suggest you drop round to your slightly psychic elderly
      auntie's house for the day, as she'll already have a meal prepared for you.
      And do feed the mouse next time.


      Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      So you're feeling those unsettling pangs of existential angst lately? It
      be your job getting to you. Life just isn't what it used to be. Back in the
      good old days, all you had to worry about was some enterprising younger
      colleague usurping your position - granted, the usurping generally involved
      horrible flaming death aimed at you while you were sleeping, but that went
      with the territory; nowadays there's a certain amount of job security, but it
      seems you can't turn around without encountering strange disturbances in the
      very fabric of reality before breakfast. Well, fear not. I am here to assure
      you that absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen this
      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars is on the cusp of Okjok, and that means
      a month of blessed peace and calm. So go celebrate with a couple of extra
      helpings of trifle...oh, um, maybe not.

      p.s. go easy on that nice boy at the HEM Department, he means well.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Have you hugged your dragons lately? I know, the pressures and duties of new
      motherhood can be time-consuming, but let's not forget where the true centre
      of your affections lies! You'll be receiving an albatross post on the 9th
      XXXX, telling you of a limited sale of new stock from the rare
      saltwater dragon breeding lines; don't forget to place an order by return
      post. On Wednesday you'll have to have your man fish a pair of Assassins out
      of the ornamental pond again, so tell Cook to bake a few extra rounds of
      scones (it's been ever so quiet on that front lately, hasn't it? Sometimes
      it's nice to know that one's husband is less popular in some quarters).
      Speaking of your dear husband, dear old Ronnie will irritate him more than
      usual when you have him round to dinner next week, so make sure to keep the
      fireplace pokers well away from the table. Prognostication is such a useful
      thing when it comes to greasing the wheels of social intercourse.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      I have some utterly wonderful news for you: this month, at long last, the
      stars are aligned properly for you to stand a chance at breaking out of your
      silvered prison! Yes, the real world beckons. But *which* real world? How
      are there? Is there one where your sister isn't waiting to thrash your behind
      again like she did the last time? I see you'll be standing in front of your
      mirror-pane on the 21st, marshaling your powers, concentrating your endless,
      arrogant fury, and then, in one sparkling octarine-tinged moment, you
      will...erm, you will discover that the only way your kharmic aura can
      counteract the prisoning spell is if you truly and honestly renounce all
      desire to interfere in the lives of others and lose your urge to interfere in
      narrative causality...no, I didn't think so. Oh well, enjoy your stay.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Two days from now, you will be hiding at the side of the Great Ankh Road when
      a heavily-laden posh coach comes by, and your cries of Stand and Deliver will
      cause a beautiful woman to swoon into your arms. Next Monday, you will be
      celebrating your haul in a Quirmian tavern when a bevy of beautiful women
      throw themselves at your feet. Next Tuesday, you will discover endless
      full of beautiful women, all admiring you. On Thursday, you will go for a
      long-overdue optician's appointment and be given a badly-needed pair of
      corrective spectacles. Five minutes after leaving the optician's shop, you
      will throw away your new glasses in horror and return to a life filled with
      beautiful women throwing themselves at you. The truth may set men free, but
      has nothing on a shortsighted squint and a well-polished stepladder.


      The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      In exactly two weeks' time, your life is going to take a new, exciting and
      satisfying turn. No more sneaking around practising in your Uncle Igor's
      surgery during the empty daylight hours! No more pretending that fetching new
      pair of blue eyes was the work of your Cousin Igor! No more laughter and
      why-bother lectures from Grandpapa Igor when you show off your latest piece
      needlework! Yes, that's right, the Lady Sybil Hospital is about to move out
      the Century of the Fruitbat and become an equal opportunity employer. So book
      your passage now to Ankh-Morpork, pack up your forceps in your old kit bag,
      and kithth your parenth and your Marthter goodbye, because you're heading off
      to a new career in the big bad city. And just think, after a few years'
      residency, you'll have enough reputation and money to open that Suture Self
      plastic surgery clinic in Bonk. Live the dream, Igorina. Live the dream.


      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

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