Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)

Expand Messages
  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 9) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady Anaemia
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 30, 2004
      WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      Lady Asterisk reports that she has had to take on the duties
      of WOSSNAME Astrologer again this month, since last month's
      "special guests" were rather expensive :-), whatever that means.

      Here is her advance forecast for July 2004 on Roundworld:


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Fruit: Pineapple

      How appropriate that the spiky and dangerous pineapple should
      be the astro-illogical fruit of the spiky and dangerous Adamant
      Hedgehog! Those of you born under the 'Hog tend to short tempers.
      Bad news if you're also a dwarf with a penchant for wearing
      shorts: no way will you be able to avoid also being nasty and
      brutish. For all other 'Hogs at the loftier reaches of the Campaign
      For Equal Heights membership roster, take care to keep a smile on
      your face for as long as you can, and remember to count to ten
      when your temper is about to flare (for trolls, count to Many). A
      soothing bath in scented herbal oils can help overstressed 'Hogs,
      as can a cup of scented herbal tea. Better yet, one of Nanny Ogg's
      herbal health drinks (mostly apples) will keep you smiling like a
      monk. Your lucky colour is flesh pink, and your lucky number is 22.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Fruit: Orange

      The juicy, invigorating fruit of the orange tree shares its qualities
      with your typical Gahooligan, who is fresh, zesty, pithy and often
      rather sour. Gahooligans tend to be thick-skinned and do not
      bruise easily, so they make good schoolteachers, priests, slave
      traders, civil servants and debt collectors. Those of you born on the
      cusp of Hoki will find this a good month for consolidating money
      matters, especially someone else's. A stranger may ask you for alms;
      treat him as you normally would, though perhaps you should take
      a slightly gentler attitude towards his kneecaps. Attend a concert
      of carols or a Morris dancing demonstration on the 13th, where
      you can practise being nonjudgmental. Your lucky colour is puce
      - ha ha, bet you thought it would be orange - and your lucky
      number is 4 1/2.


      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

      Fruit: Strawberry

      The Twosie fruit is the lovely strawberry. So plump and florid, so
      soft and easygoing, so reminiscent of mouthwatering desserts
      after vast hearty dinners in the UU dining hall. What a
      magnificent, marvellous, magisterial fruit for the monstrously
      magical membership of this masterful sign - I'm sorry, I got a bit
      carried away there. Ahem. Those born under the Two Fat Cousins
      have a tendency to sensitive skin; if you live in XXXX where it's
      currently winter, be sure to wrap up well and moisturise to protect
      that tender integument. For Llamedosian Twosies, now frolicking
      among the henges and menhirs in the bloom of summer, do wear
      sunscreen so you won't end up looking like your astral fruit. Oh
      wait, there's never enough sunshine in Llamedos for any danger of
      that! Your lucky colour is burnt umber, and your lucky number is


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Fruit: Aubergine

      So you thought the aubergine was a vegetable? Well, think again!
      The aubergine, also known to Fourecksians and some
      Howondaland tribes as the eggplant, is indeed a fruit, and a tasty
      one too. Its name derives from the Genuan "auberge" meaning inn,
      so the Staff is a good sign for those who dream of being innkeepers.
      It's also a good sign for soldiers (a relief to hear if you happen to
      be a Borogravian innkeeper's daughter with designs on a military
      career). And we already know that Staffies love their food, so it's
      worth noting that the aubergine can be used in a variety of
      healthful dishes and has very few of those pesky joule thingies so
      long as you don't smother it in olive oil and cheese like the
      Brindisians do. This month, be especially kind to cooks. Your lucky
      colour is octarine, and your lucky number is 11.3165.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Fruit: Grape

      Of course your fruit is the grape, what else could it be? I suppose if
      there's a fruit with special emetic properties - no, we'll stick with the
      grape. A noble fruit, ultimate source of all hangovers since the
      dawn of alcoholism. A fruit of many varieties, and delicious when
      dried. But the grape is not a fruit to be taken lightly, and neither
      should you be. This is a good time for Bilians to work on their
      assertiveness training, especially if you want to be ready to stand
      up to personal challenges coming your way in the third week of the
      month. Don't let those brassy neighbours push you around! You
      could be the owner of your own winery if you learn to seize the day.
      Or the bottle. Consider investing in reannuals this month. Your
      lucky colour is burgundy, and your lucky number is 12 per cent.


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Fruit: Pumpkin

      Born under Mubbo? You did not choose the pumpkin, the pumpkin
      has chosen you! Favoured fruit of fairy godmothers and hungry
      Sto Plains travellers, the pumpkin is an indicator of honesty and
      the lack of artifice. There's no point in trying to keep secrets because
      your open pumpkin-face will give you away every time. Mubbles are
      also known for their kindness, understanding nature and
      gullibility. Good professions: agony aunt (though not Agony
      Aunt), careworker, tax assessor, Fool. Bad professions: spy, flim-
      flammer, seller of sausages inna bun. This month, be as much like
      a pumpkin as you can; emphasise your steadfastness, wear your
      heart on your sleeve. Beware of soup factories and jack o' lantern
      carvers. Your lucky colour is khaki and your lucky number is 31.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Fruit: Kumquat

      What an appropriate fruit for this sign. The kumquat is one of those
      strange Forn fruits created for humorous purposes; everyone knows
      its name but few people could describe it, or pick one out of a
      Watch identity parade. It sounds exotic and exciting and other
      words beginning with x, yet in reality it's unremarkable-looking,
      small, and, well, boring. But kumquats are good in jams, and
      that's a quality you'll find handy when, for example, trying to
      escape the clutches of Beings from the Dungeon Dimensions, or
      mad gods, or persistent scythe-wielding anthropomorphic
      personifications. Boring'uns should take great care this month to
      avoid threatening scenery and anything that sounds exciting. Or
      exotic. Your lucky colour is yellow, and your lucky number is 3,
      although you can start running at 2.


      Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Fruit: Fig

      Ah, figs. The fruit of seduction, the fruit of carelessness (why else
      would people say "I couldn't give a fig" eh?), and the vital
      ingredient of figgins, at least according to Nanny Ogg's Recipe
      Book - although I have my doubts about that last. Gytha does love
      her little jokes, and after all, there's no rabbit in Llamedosian
      Rabbit, and no toads in Toad In The Hole, and as for those funny
      little jumped-up biscuit tarts known as cheesecakes...but I digress.
      After last month's self-denial exercises, I think you Okjokers can
      afford to push the boat out a little, don't you? Try a short holiday
      in Brindisi or Genua, where you can relax in the sun and toast
      your figgins with a clear conscience. Be sybaritic, be selfish, for in
      the great scheme of things, soft fruits must take advantage of their
      short season! Your lucky colour is electric blue, and your lucky
      number is 256 with a following wind.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Fruit: Apple

      Was there ever a more famous fruit than the apple? The classical
      fruit of knowledge and temptation, the favourite fruit of
      Hexomancers, the first fruit in the alphabet, the fruit most likely to
      be chosen by dippy thespians when naming their firstborn...the fruit
      of a hundred delightful uses, and may the Sauce be with you! This
      month all Footies should indeed be saucy and fruitful, though if
      you're tripped it's a good idea not to fall too far from the tree.
      Those of you starting a new job should bear in mind the crispness
      and fresh taste of the apple when you present yourselves for that
      vital first day. And spare a copper or two for that unfortunate
      drunk in the gutter: for all you know, he was brought to that low
      pass by a drink made of mostly apples. Your lucky colour is
      crimson, and your lucky number is 1.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Fruit: Cucumber

      Another surprising astral fruit - and wasn't it certainly a surprise
      for poor Old Vincent! Cucumbers weave their way around the
      garden, and you can take that as a hint that you should be
      tending to your social skills. Go out more. Learn to weave yourself
      into the intricate patterns of gossip and confidences as the subtle
      flavour of the cucumber weaves itself through a salad. Cultivate
      your more social handicrafts: join a sewing circle, or start a
      community quilt. Since cucumbers are good for the eyes, take extra
      care of your own eyes this month. What with all that social
      networking and eyecare skills, the last week of the month might be
      a good time to open that beauty salon you always dreamed of. Or
      to become a concubine: the Sultan of al-Ybi is hiring at the
      moment. Your lucky colour is melon green, and your lucky number
      is 7/12ths.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Fruit: Bananana

      The bananana, or banana as Roundworlders prefer to spell it, is a
      most unusual fruit. Perhaps the fact that it has no seeds has
      something to do with its affinity for the Rather Large Gazunda,
      what with it being the most frequent sign of orphans and the
      childless, to say nothing of all those famous Gazundian ecdysiasts.
      Yes, it's true, ladies born under the Gazunda have an affinity for
      peeling at the drop of a bananana skin, and why not? Mind your
      knees and elbows this month; a visit to the chiropodist wouldn't go
      amiss either. For the men, this month is a good one for replacing
      worn trousers and for consulting to local pox doctor about that
      troublesome hernia. Good things will come to you in hands, so
      long as you remember to beware of tarantulas. Your lucky colour is
      bone, and your lucky number is 6 foot, 7 foot, 8 foot bunch.


      The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Fruit: Wahoonie

      O, the wahoonie, most noble of all fruits! And largest. And
      smelliest. Was there ever a fruit with more cachet? - possibly, yes,
      but never one more egregious or infamous. You Meese are especially
      blessed to be in resonance with this legendary fruit, and now that
      we're halfway through the year, your time has come to blossom.
      And it's time to come to your blossoms, too. Get out in the garden
      and prune, fertilise, dust, spray, rake! Too late now to gather nuts
      in May, so gather fruit in Grune and Spune. Don't forget to trim the
      haha and feed the carp in the ornamental pond. In fact, why not
      tidy and paint the whole outside of your house? Or the whole
      neighbourhood? Or even get into the spirit of the Big Wahoonie
      and paint the town red! Oh my, all this enthusiasm is making me
      feel quite dizzy. Um. Your lucky colour is black , and your lucky
      number is 7+1. I'm going to have a lie-down now, see you next


      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.