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WOSSNAME -- MAY 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- MAY 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4 oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 12B) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
    Message 1 of 1 , May 30, 2004
      WOSSNAME -- MAY 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      (continued -- 24 September through 20 March)

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
      by Ponder Stibbons, DtM, UU

      Um. I'm not quite sure why I've been asked to do this column,
      since it's more in the Bursar's domain, or at least his corner of
      the ceiling. But I fed an astrological chart into Hex and got this

      +++ Astronomical errors detected +++
      (lots of confusing number deleted)
      +++ Entities born under Small Boring Group of Faint Stars
      will experience exceptional clarity of thought this month due to
      unusual stellar radiation. Suggest they apply these heightened
      perceptions to reading up on natural philosophy and dangers of
      putting faith in false cults. Wednesdays good for travel until
      week of 26th. Encourage radishes +++
      (some indecipherable characters removed)
      +++ By the way you do realise this star chart is at least 4,000
      years out of date don't you +++

      Hex also told me to click on the mouse for more information,
      but Big Mad Adrian broke our only pair of castanets.
      Hope This Helps.


      Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov
      by Otto von Chriek, iconographer at large

      My dear, dear children of ze night, it giffs me such pleasure to
      cast ze Okjok horoscope for zis month! For zis is a month of
      discipline und denial. Sweet denial, a subject so precious to me, a
      subject zat makes my heart beat faster, or vould if I but had a
      heartbeat. So often ve are taught zat self-denial is a painful
      und unpleasant thing, but I assure you zhere is pleasure in ze
      pain of stringent self-discipline (und pleasure also in ze shall ve
      say inflicting of pain, but ve must...not...zink...about...zat).
      To deny oneself is to reach ein higher plane, even to become vun
      viss ze very stars. Denial is invigorating, denial is tasty, almost
      as tasty as ze fresh, pure flow in ze unpierced veins of - ah, let's
      not go zhere. So try fasting for a time zis month. It vill lighten
      your burdens, it vill inspire you, it vill cause your spirit to thirst
      for ze finer - no, no, mustn't zink about thirst, now I bathe me
      in ze clear vaters of...dear Igor, vould you join me in a few verses?
      And do varm up my flask of tomato juice, zank you!


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
      by The Great Gaspode

      Hello suckers. Gaspode here, bark bark whine hahaha. So you fought
      horoscopes was just fer humans an' other bipedal wossnames? Well,
      fink again. We o' the noble nearly-wolves fraternity also look to the
      stars fer guidance, I'll have you know, even if the average gatepost
      gives us types more guidance than the rest o' you can find wiv a
      Mappe an' a torch. For me Foot-y brev'ren, this's a month fer buildin'
      relationships, an' you'd be amazed at just how many relationships you
      can build every night at this time o' year. Good fortune will come yer
      way on the second Tuesday of the - oh wait, I keep fergettin' the rest o'
      you lot don't know how to read a calendar - on the 16th night the
      kitchen-maids at that posh Le Palais restaurant off Sator Square put
      out the rubbish an' scraps. I know this cos the humans' stars say
      that's a good night fer one o' dem banquet kinda fings. Lessee, the rest
      of it now...stay alert, maintain yer leg-liftin' rights, and never, ever
      give any lip - or tooth - to a hot blonde Ramtop wolfhound if she's
      wearin' a Watch badge on her collar. Gaspode out, bark bark growl,
      yeah right.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
      by Mrs Erzulie Gogol of Genua

      So you want me to tell you your fate according to Hoki, hmm. Why
      look to the stars? They're way far away in the sky and don't care
      about us folks at all. You got to look to the world around you, right
      there in your face, the trees, the birds, the swamp. Oh, and the
      jambalaya. Nothing like a good plate of jambalaya to tell you what's
      in store, and nobody does jambalayomancy like I does. So for what
      it's worth, I can tell you Hokians that you better keep a close eye on
      your housekeeping this month because a long lost relative will be
      coming to you looking for help, and that you really oughtta avoid
      walking near trees on the 22nd, and that a duck with two heads is
      likely to hatch in your yard sometime around the 11th, and that that
      dear friend you thought you could trust to the end of the world is
      going to take an unexpected plunge over the Circumfence if you know
      what I mean. And if you want to believe I know these things from
      reading the stars I got no problem with that. It's all true, but life's
      what you makes of it, and I tell you now, you can make a mighty
      fine stew outta that duck. Satisfied now? Don't fergit to leave a little
      consideration by the cauldron on your way out.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
      by Lu-Tze the Sweeper

      So you want to know the secrets of your destiny, eh? Us History
      Monks get asked that sort of thing all the time, you know. "How
      many children will I have?" "Will I be rich?" "What's the name of
      the winner of next month's Skund Royal Hundred Derby?" "Is
      there time for me to find crazy Uncle Ferny's secret hoard before
      the old coot pops his clogs?" Yak yakkety yak butter, like we'd
      tell you that stuff! Is it not written, that what we don't know can't
      hurt us? So let's just have a cuppa and a smoke and if you give
      me a few minutes of your time, ha, that's a good one, I'll give you
      a few tips for the next month. For is it not also written, if you
      don't ask you'll never find out? For example, if you were born
      under the Gazunda so to speak, it's plain as the chip stains on my
      robe that there's no point in your getting out of bed on the 7th,
      13th, 19th and 28th of next month. Trust me, you'll feel much
      better for that. Also much more alive, and is it not written, where
      there's life there's hope? An ordinary-looking, pale stranger will
      try to involve you in great and terrible Happenings; give him a
      sharp smack on the bonce and don't let him follow you home.
      Muscle pains and a headache on the 20th are a timely, ha ha,
      reminder to avoid falling through any nearby time warps. For is
      it not written, watch that first step, it's a killer? Of course it is.
      More tea?


      The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar
      by Rob Anybody Mac Feegle

      Crivens! Here I am only just havin' learnt the mysteries o' the
      readin' an' wrrritin' o' worrrds, an' I been asked to write a horrible
      scope! Ach, won't me darlin' Kelda be proud. Er, should I call the
      gonnagle in fer assistance? Oh all rrright then. I see the Moose is
      still loose in the hoose of Hoose, and after all, only a Feegle can say
      *that* proper-like. Ye canna be havin' wi' small ambitions this
      month, whether yer a bigjobs or no' - I hear tell the Moose is a good
      sign for those o' ye with clever fingers, so if ye canna' turn those
      fingers to a spot o' thievin', try a spot o' weavin', an' that's a
      fierce clever bit o' wordplay if I do say so meself. 'Tis a good month
      for the keepin' o' obblygations, so don't forget to take care o' yer
      geas. Shush, Daft Wullie, I know it ain't a bird! Tartan is yer
      lucky colour, I'm no' tellin' yer lucky number so don't ask or ye'll
      get a faceful o' heid. And now all this worrrdin' makes a pictsie
      thirsty, pass the Special Sheep Liniment an' buggerroff.


      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Lady Asterisk.
      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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