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WOSSNAME -- MAY 2004 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- MAY 2004 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 12A) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady Anaemia
    Message 1 of 1 , May 30, 2004
      WOSSNAME -- MAY 2004 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      You'll be pleased to hear that the former Miss
      Asterisk has been promoted to the DW
      peerage and is now Lady Asterisk. She

      "Here, at considerable personal cost to myself heheh,
      are the latest Discworld horoscopes from what one
      might call a select cadre of very, very special and
      on-topic guests. They're also longer than usual, but
      given the nature and rarity of the "writers", I thought
      you might not mind...


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
      by Mrs Evadne Cake, small medium

      The one you met at the station tavern last week, I said!
      Green, yes, the purple one does your complexion no favours
      dearie. Of course he'd prefer to. No, no, tall, dark and called
      Ransom. eh? Oh, terribly sorry, I forgot to disconnect me
      premonition again. Hello Hedgehogs, this month you will
      meet a tall, dark stranger by the name of Ransom at the
      station tavern, be sure of it. Romance is on the cards if you
      wear a nice green dress and agree to let him take you to tea.
      For Hedgehog men, using the name Ransom when loitering
      at the station could bring you a lucky encounter and no
      mistake. Yer actual hedgehog knows all about being prepared
      for trouble and so should you, especially if you're the sort who
      gets funny turns when the moon's full, like our Ludmilla.
      This is a good month to consult a medium, look for one who
      gives reasonable rates. Now excuse me, someone's knocking on
      me crystal ball.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
      by Reginald Shoe, A-M City Watch

      Comrades, did you know that underprivileged and socially
      disadvantaged Gahooligans play a vital role in the balance
      of a free and evolving society? I'll bet you didn't! But now
      that you do, be sure to attend as many meetings and demos
      as you can this month. Speak out! Let the upper echelons
      of the privileged know how you feel! Reach for the very stars
      you were born under! And by the way, isn't it just typical
      that an important role is called "vital"? "Vital" this and
      "vital" that, you'd think the living were the only ones who
      matter. Hah! I'm a Gahooligan myself and I can tell you,
      comrades, I may not be vital but I'm certainly crucial! It's
      also a good month for singing uplifting songs, and if you
      attend the Fresh Start Club meeting on the 15th you'll
      be sure to find a good singalong. Cast no clouts until June,
      whatever that means, and be kind to cemetery-keepers. And
      now pardon me, I've got a grave to tidy.


      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun
      by Mrs Rosemary Palm, Seamstresses' Guild

      Gather round, girls (you boys can gather round too, but it will
      cost you a...negotiable amount), and I'll tell you Twosies your
      horoscope for this month. Carlotta, do stop fiddling with your
      nightgown. Now, this month is all about giving. And giving,
      and giving. A sensible Twosie girl knows she has to make the best
      of what the Gods gave her, and make it while her assets are firm
      and her cheeks still dewy - Marielle, if you must giggle, please
      don't snort like a Sto Helit sow! The secret of effective giving lies
      in staying alert and sensitive to those around you: to their moods,
      to their tastes, to their desires. A few well-worded prayers to
      Petulia, Sessifet, and the Lady will set you in good stead, and
      at mid-month it's advisable to pray that Grune, the God of
      Unseasonal Fruit, does *not* smile upon you. Now back to work
      with the lot of you, and remember that the Elephants carry the
      world on their backs, so why should you do any less?


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
      by William de Worde, editor, A-M Times

      Let's talk about rumours and facts. We all know the power and
      speed of rumours; it's the getting to the facts behind them that
      really matters, but both are important, and I, William de Worde
      (27), wouldn't be making my ten dollars and sixpence a week as
      editor of the Times if I didn't know that. Now, I've noticed from
      reading our own weekly horoscope that "Staffies" tend to self-
      indulgence and are thus prone to indulging in passing along
      unsupported rumours, but take it from this intrepid reporter,
      you'd feel better about yourself if you applied a little discipline
      and checked your facts. Check and re-check, I always say.
      Otherwise you might end up losing your circulation, as a certain
      Mr Dibbler (52) found out! Exciting news will come your way
      from afar this month; read all the details in the Foreign News
      section. If you are looking for romance, you could try placing a
      line in our new Personals page (competitive rates, all species
      catered for).
      p.s. run this in Number 8 Quirmian Gothick.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
      by HRH Magrat of Lancre

      You'll have to bear with me, I'm a bit, as it were, you know, rusty
      at this. Let me just get my sigils and herbs - no, no, Esmerelda
      dear, put the nasty toad's eye down and let Mummy work, there's
      a good young woman - ah, here we are. Right. Er. This month the
      stars favour a haircut. The most empowering time for a haircut will
      be on the second night of the full - no, wait, I've misread that rune,
      it should be halibut. The stars favour halibut? How odd. Oh well,
      moving along, I see that great spiritual power is in the air for
      Bilians born on the cusp of Hoki, and with proper application of
      mystical principles you will come closer to reaching your inner
      serenity. Romance is in the air too, isn't the air getting rather thick
      - sorry, Shawn must've forgot to change the herbs in the garderobe
      again. To learn the identity of your non-dominant significant
      other, try this spell I found at Desiderata Hollow's cottage: "Fish
      tail roasted in the fire, show this maid her heart's desire" - ah, that
      must be where the halibut comes into it. I'm terribly sorry but I
      have to leave now, Verence has fallen into the new compost extractor
      again. Blessed be.


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
      by Genghiz Cohen, Barbarian Hero

      Around the Agatean Court I'm known as a man of few words
      and a big sword, but I allus b'lieved my destiny lay in the stars.
      Well, let's be honest eh, I b'lieved my destiny lay at the pointy
      end of a big sword, but we can't all be legendary barbarian
      heroes and don't let any bugger tell you different or you might
      end up having a very interestin', very *short* life. My
      Emperorical 'strologer One Crawling Worm, handy feller with
      a life-extending compliment, says people born under Mubbo
      'd be well off becoming, f'rinstance, fat merchants, tavern keepers,
      or even members of somebody's palace guard (so long as you
      remember to duck behind a handy pillar if you see some old
      geezer with a broadsword wandering around the throne room
      crushin' jewels under his sandaled feet heheh). What we have
      here is a good month to spend a few days out in the fresh air of
      the steppes with some horse cheese and a few virgins t'sacrifice
      to the gods of your choice. Take care of your teeth, you'll
      appreciate 'em when you're old and confronted by the likes
      of a juicy walrus steak. Oh, and if you get bothered by any tax-
      gatherers, just tell 'em you're a pers'nal friend of mine and if
      they don't leave you alone the Emperor'll present 'em with their
      own guts for garters. Now, anybody got any good recipes for
      deep heat ointment?


      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 4

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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