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WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued) ... ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 9) THIS MONTH S PUZZLE: THE LAST HERO
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 28, 2004
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      WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
      -------------------------------------------------------
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      9) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE LAST HERO
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
      the spot shown. Read the letters backwards and
      discover where many of the Disc's gods live.
      (Note: all spellings are from the 2001 Gollancz edition.)
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
      ANSWER: Terry = T
      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

      1. The Uncompassionate, killed by Boy Willie
      (name, 1st letter)
      2. God of wine and things on sticks (name, 2nd letter)
      3. The Soul Sucker (name, 8th letter) prayed to by Evil Harry Dread
      (second name, 5th letter)
      4. Goddess of the afternoon (name, 1st letter)
      5. The Crocodile-Headed God (name, 2nd letter)
      6. God of the winds (name, 1st letter)
      7. God of certain mushrooms, and also of great ideas you
      forgot to write down and can't remember (name, 1st letter)
      8. God in charge of paperclips, unnecessary paperwork, etc.
      (name, 1st letter)
      9. Goddess of squashed animals (name 1st letter)
      10. Immortal bringer of fire (name, 1st letter)
      11. Goddess of the sea, apple pie, certain types of ice cream, and
      short lengths of string (name, 8th letter)
      12. Goddess of saunas, snow and small theatrical performances
      (name, 1st letter)
      13. The Goddess Who Must Not be Named (title, 3rd letter)

      __/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Where the gods are
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/12/13/

      Puzzle solution will appear next month.

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: THIEF OF TIME
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      1. Foundling adopted by Guild of Clockmakers (first name, 6th letter)
      JEREMY CLOCKSON = Y
      2. The Fifth Horseman (first name, 4th letter)
      RONALD SOAK
      3. Foundling adopted by Thieves' Guild (last name, 3rd letter)
      LOBSANG LUDD
      4. Discoverer of the talent of the foundling in #3 (last name,1st letter)
      MARCO SOTO
      5. The auditor who became Unity (last name, 2nd letter)
      MYRIA LE JEAN
      6. Chief acolyte to the abbot (3rd letter of name)
      CLODPOOL
      7. Apprentice to the Eternally Surprised (4th letter of name)
      RINPO
      8. The Sweeper (5th letter of name)
      LU-TZE
      9. The Eternally Surprised (1st letter of name)
      WEN

      /Y /A /D /S /E/ N /D /E /W = Day the world will end
      / 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/ 7/ 8/ 9/ = WEDNESDAY

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      10) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
      by Miss Anaemia Asterisk
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      Another report from our new correspondent on Discworld.
      Remember that stars ahead of the Turtle's line of flight
      change their position only very gradually as do the ones aft.
      The ones at right angles may easily alter their relative
      positions, however, so every so often the horoscope may
      have some new zodiac signs in it. We have adjusted the
      dates covered according to the Roundworld calendar,
      more or less.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Spring is in the air, unless you live in Fourecks
      where they're getting their woollies out and
      pretending it's nearly winter. And everyone knows
      what happens in Spring when the sap rises and the
      young maidens dance their vernal dances and yes,
      that's one o' them mettyfors so this is a month for
      keeping an eye on your daughters and also for
      making sure your dearly beloved doesn't catch you
      alone in the scullery at an inopportune time, unless
      your name is Ogg. Be careful to adjust your clacks
      antenna for seasonal temporal changes. Avoid squishi,
      after all it's nearly a month with no 'r' in it!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      All good Gahooligans know to keep an eye on the
      skies this month. Why, do I hear you ask? Because
      this is the time of year you're most likely to get
      hit by a rain of fish, especially if you live near Slice.
      By sheer coincidence, your horoscope recommends
      you eat a lot of fish this month, so make sure you
      carry a frying pan with you at all times. The next
      month will see a marked rise in your powers of
      prognostication. Of course, by the time you get
      around to reading this you already knew that.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

      Didn't you do well avoiding that Assassin last month!
      It just goes to show that astrology has its uses. Now
      that you've honed your reflexes, it's time to think about
      fitness classes. You might trot along to Brother Badrep's
      Xtreme Self Defence dojo in Gleam Street; who knows, you
      could even show them a few new moves while you keep your
      skills sharp. And you don't even have to buy a martial
      arts cossie because you have a fine hardly-worn suit of
      black clothing. Stay away from high-carb foods, no
      clootie dumplings for you this month, and make sure to
      keep up your garlic infusions, since vampires are very
      unintimidated by black clothing.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Those of you born under the sign of the Staff do love your
      hot dinners. Like Roundworld Taureans, Staffies have an
      inborn love of pleasure and luxury. That's why you really,
      really do need to avoid the new Wienrich & Boettcher
      chocolaterie now open in Turnwise Broadway. For that
      matter, avoid the original W&B shop in Zephire Street
      as well. Just stick to your fallback Higgs & Meakins
      assortments, or better still, lay off the chocolates altogether.
      Who knows, you might even rediscover what your feet look
      like. If you are a wizard, do not meddle in the affairs of
      hedgehogs, for they -- ah, everybody knows that one already.
      Although as the Widdershins Star moves into the third
      quarter, you might want to invite one to tea.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilious holds sway over the organs of the middle body,
      particularly the stomach, liver and gall bladder. Have
      you been taking care of yours? For that matter, do you
      even know what a gall bladder looks like? Nine out of
      ten people wouldn't recognise their own gall bladders
      when shown a clear and distinct iconograph of them!
      So unless you're that lucky tenth person, take it on
      faith that you should treat yours better. After all, "holds
      sway over" doesn't mean the same thing as "protects".
      Today's hangover could be tomorrow's Igor bill.
      Peppermints will bring luck. Avoid mixed drinks with
      small umbrellas in them, particularly if they were
      ordered by the ape at the next table.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      "All the world's a stage." And how many of us have secretly
      wanted to take a turn on the boards of the Dysk or Lord
      Wynkin's Men? This month, why not let out the actor in
      yourself: impersonate one of the posh nobs in Scoone
      Avenue, or a Watchman, or a priest of Offler, just to see
      what happens. Don't say I told you to, of course. A small
      round stranger may give you something precious in the
      third week of the month; be sure no one sees this
      happening. Mubboons can expect an upturn in romantic
      matters when the Moon enters the House of Squamose.
      Beware of eels.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Pay no attention to what they're whispering about you in
      those dark corners: this month, the world is your starfish.
      Yes, your ship is coming in at last. Remember those shares
      in the Leshp Land Redevelopment Company I told you to buy
      a few months ago? Well, they're finally rising again, and
      what with you being a wise astrologically guided investor,
      your future is going to be - what do you mean I never gave
      you that tip? But I'm sure I told you why I, too, was
      investing heavily in - erm, terribly sorry, I seem to have
      misread your horoscope. Prepare for a tight month of stale
      cheese rinds, and under no circumstances commit violence
      upon wealthy ex-astrologers.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Friendships are important, and never moreso than this month
      for those born under that discount sign of the Salesman.
      Follow your stars to Dibbler's Fine Pre-Owned Jewels
      Emporium in Sator Square, where you can find the perfect
      gifts to show your friends how much you value them. They
      say a true friend is a pearl beyond price, but Mr Dibbler
      can sort you out with pearls that aren't beyond your price
      range, so long as you don't mind a certain lingering sausagey
      smell clinging to the tasteful gift boxes. Or perhaps you'd
      prefer to show your affection with homemade ironcrafts from
      Gundar Stormbasher's shop in Silver Street. Keep yourself
      vigilant against the dangerous Okjoker tendency to
      credulousness; you don't want those advertising types
      dictating your lifestyle, do you? Be sure to tell Gundar I
      sent you.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spring is upon us: bet you a dollar you haven't yet sown those
      reannual dandelions and elderberries you drank last year! Do it in
      the second week of this month of There Will Be Trouble And No
      Mistake. A good month to work on your natural Footy optimism.
      No, not your natural footy optimism. Be honest now, you never
      thought Quirm Wanderers would make it out of the Fourth
      Division, sure you didn't. Have you never noticed that "fool" is
      right next to "football" in the Revised Morpork Dictionary?
      Take especial care when sweeping in corners, because we're coming
      into poltergeist season. A close friend will reveal an amazing
      secret; writing about it to the Times is not recommended, unless
      you're fond of angry men with pitchforks invading your garden.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Laugh and the world laughs with you, so polish those little bells on
      your cap and bring a smile to your neighbours. They say there's no
      Fool like an old Fool, but it's never too early to learn Foolishness, or
      if you're a practising Omnian fundamentalist, Damned Foolishness.
      You will receive a mysterious message on the 27th. If you're a
      Borogravian male of national-service age, the 26th would be a good
      time to take that Disc-wide voyage of discovery you always dreamed
      about. For Hokian trolls and other silicon-based life forms, this is
      a good month to polish those pesky lichen patches, for romance is in
      the air. Be kind to bonsai mountains and don't forget to write home
      to their parents.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Cleanliness is next to godliness, so which god would you like to be
      next to this month? A good spring clean will bring you that bit
      closer to Dunmanifestin. Offlerians: a good eyewash potion from your
      local witch will stop those crocodile tears. Nugganites: try carbonate
      of soda to remove those telltale traces of garlic scent in your pantry.
      Hernians: lemon juice is good for restoring sweetness to the insides
      of your running shoes. Bel-Shamharothees: when's the last time
      you wiped the ichor stains off your copy of the Necrotelicomnicon?
      Omians: time to tidy up your back issues of Explanatory
      Pamphlets and that Heed The Call magazines. Spiritualists: oh,
      come on, how do you expect to see anything in a crystal ball unless
      you can see the crystal? Honestly, some people.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Family, what would we be without them? Well, orphans for a start.
      Cough up for a clacks or a pigeon to your dear old parents this month.
      Take some time to strengthen or reestablish family ties. The Moose
      is loose in the House of Hoose this month, and that means close
      family relationships will be especially rewarding. In other words,
      cozen up to your nonagenarian great-aunties while they still have the
      strength to write a new will. A neighbour may attack you with
      words on the 19th, so if you have any relatives in the legal profession,
      this is a wise time to flatter them like nobody's business. If you see
      a glowing mushroom at the bottom of your garden, be sure to pick
      it and include it in a stoo; your future will be very bright. Also
      very full of pink elephants for a few days. Avoid albatrosses.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      -----------------------------------------------------------------------
      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


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