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WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 10) YOUR LONG-AWAITED DISC HOROSCOPE A SANE MIND IN A
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 30, 2003
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      WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)



      Your sense of chronic laziness is back, and it wants to do
      something for your inner life. For your stomach, to be honest.
      In order to let you begin the Fall properly (or something), I've
      checked the stars to find the good advice about dietetics,
      health and general well-being that you need. Here we

      21 March - 20 April
      The Perhaps Gate

      All your health problems will be resolved if you just follow this daily
      diet strictly: for breakfast, seven eggs, fried in pig fat, half a pound of
      bacon and twelve vole-and-pork sausages with ketchup. For lunch,
      just repeat the breakfast menu, only adding some more meats
      and a pound or two of spareribs with BBQ sauce. You can have
      any kind of commercial candies or exotic-flavoured french fries for
      dessert, provided you wash them down with scumble. And for supper,
      just repeat the breakfast menu with any kind of cheese and a lot
      of wine. A few weeks of following this diet will guarantee you'll
      never have to worry about your health (or for anything else) again,
      because you'll be quite dead, with your arteries more clogged
      than the River Ankh.

      21 April - 21 May
      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips

      Your haven't been feeling too well lately, and the blame falls on
      your weakness for eating healthy food. Your immune system is
      not getting any exercise, and you'll regret that in due time. Just
      get your place's floor clean with your tongue at least once a week,
      for a good infection has never done any harm to anyone (well, in fact it
      has, but who asked you) and remember that which doesn't kill you
      makes you stronger, and after this you'll be like Captain Carrot.

      22 May - 21 June
      The Two Fat Cousins

      The fruits of the forest are the solution to all your problems. They
      are very healthy, very tasty, very difficult to find and damn sticky,
      so they'll keep you busy for a long time. And they are also very good
      for your bowels, so you will a lot of time to ponder the meaning
      of life while you are having introspective moments. Strawberry, blackberry,
      raspberry ... anything ending in -berry. (And, answering the unspoken
      male question: yes, Halle Berry goes into the pack, if you can
      manage to talk her into letting you bite her.)

      22 June - 22 July
      Wezen, the Two-Headed Kangaroo

      The best thing for you is to have some of that nice yogurt
      with bio-stuff inside, you know, those tiny thingies that... No,
      I cannot do this to my readership. If you open a yogurt and
      see anything climbing the walls, struggling to get out, well,
      that can't be good. Live things in your food getting inside you
      probably aren't beneficial. They are parasites. Just flush them
      down the toilet before they attack.

      23 July - 23 August
      The Cow of Heaven

      Although it may be a family tradition and the cause for that smile on
      your relatives' faces, I keep thinking that it is not a good idea
      to eat your relatives' brains when they die. Your parents aren't
      smiling because they are happy in the knowledge that their
      ancestors are living inside them, they are happy that they
      never tried it. Ritual cannibalism sounds like more fun than
      it really is, and often leads to progressive paralysis, dementia,
      and voting for nincompoops.

      24 August - 23 September
      Mubbo, the Hyena

      Mum's food is the best food in the world. It's like grandma's food,
      v. 2.0. It falls like a stone into your stomach and sticks there and
      often leads to to... well, having introspective moments. It is,
      however, very filling, mostly because if you don't eat up your whole
      dish you'll get hit with the broomstick. A special mention should be
      made of mum's apple pie. Its formula is protected by powerful spells,
      making it very tasty, and making you fat as pig. Just say "no."

      24 September - 23 October
      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars

      The legend goes that, in a certain Klatchian restaurant, if you ask
      for the right combination of dishes, they take you to a little room
      where, after making you swear that you'll keep the secret, they
      serve some of the rarest delicacies on the Discworld: things like
      Roast Boots with Onions, fried boot soles in honey, rats onna
      stick and even a Dibbler Special. To taste them, you have to
      abandon your preconceived notions of "edible" and dig heartily
      into the caramelized mud puddings and candied sea urchins,
      washing it all down with a cup of hot wow-wow sauce. Make
      sure your health insurance premiums are all paid up.

      24 October - 22 November
      Okjok, the Salesman

      Sometimes, when you dig into a chocolate mousse, you find
      that it has become thick dubious-looking stuff. The seller tells
      you that, because of excessive shaking or the breaking of the
      coldness seal when going home from the store, the bubbles have
      escaped from the mousse, thus leaving it in its present state, but
      that is not true. The truth is that it's been attacked bya little
      creature that lives in freezers and hibernates patiently until it
      detects the smell of its favourite food, the deep sea blowfish.
      Luckily, eating this will kill anything, so you can just put it
      directly into the dustbin.

      23 November - 21 December
      The Overworked Orang-Utang

      Ethnic food is the best for you. Tasty (I'd say pathologically
      condimented) dishes whose recipes come from remote and
      exotic places, with names not only unspeakable, but even
      unwritable without previous training. The ingredients are
      usually not listed on restaurant menus, so that they do not
      offend those who worship any of the Discworld
      gods. You should not complain. After all, conches
      are just crispy worms, and there's not such a big difference
      between a Lobster and a Baby Starfish with Puree
      of Sea Cucumber (maybe only the poison...)

      22 December - 20 January
      The Celestial Parsnip

      This is the month for you to start your exercise
      program. A good way to do this is to got to your
      local Temple of Offler and take a refreshing run
      around the crocodile enclosure pursued by some
      of the holy reptiles. There's no better to way to
      lose weight, especially if they catch you.

      21 January - 18 February
      The Knotted String

      You definitely need a touch of Agatean wisdom in your life. Boiled rice
      with soy seeds, served in a bowl and eaten (chewing every mouthful
      a hundred times) with chopsticks, sitting on the floor in the lotus
      stance while we meditate about the karmic wheel of existence and its
      incessant rolling through the universe... ommmm.... ommmm.... One
      week of that and daily life, which seemed so boring, will suddenly
      become fascinating and all-new, and you'll stop talking foolish.

      19 February - 20 March
      The Flying Moose

      Hmm... sweet or salty? The dilemma of your life. When an
      uncontrollable appetite moment hits you, you hesitate
      between a nice (and sticky) Dibbler Doughnut or a
      hypercholesterol pig-derived dish, between chocolate or
      french fries, between unknown-composition sweets of salty dried
      fruits and mysterious Klatchian Delights. To settle this, I
      can only give you one solution: stop eating between foods!

      -- Lady Aranluc


      Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
      the spot shown.   Read the letters backwards and
      discover who the Hogfather's real enemies are.
      (Note: all spellings are from the 1996 Gollancz edition.)

      Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
      ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
      1. The bogeyman who tried to pick up Susan in a bar (1st letter)
      2. Manager of the Hogfather Grotto (first name, 3rd letter)
      3. AKA as Reginald Lilywhite (last letter)
      4. Assassin assigned to inhume the Hogfather (last name, first letter)
      5. The Cheerful Fairy (last name, 3rd letter)
      6. A down on his luck wizard working for #4 above (last name, 3rd letter)
      7. The Oh God of Hangovers (6th letter)
      8. The little match girl (first name, 2nd letter)
      9. Cart driver with box of glowing magical dust (first name, 1st letter)
      10. Organizer of the Ankh-Morpork wassailers group (last name, 1st letter)
      11. Susan is her governess (first name, 1st letter)

      __/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Enemies of the Hogfather
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/ 

      Puzzle solution will appear next month.


      1. Upstairs Maid at the Patrician's Palace (first name, 1st letter)
      2. A small rat catcher for restaurants (first name, 2nd letter)
      3. First golem member of the Watch (5th letter of name)
      DORFL = L
      4. A doctor and doper of racehorses (first name, 2nd letter)
      5. Vampire head of the A-M College of Heralds (4th letter of title)
      6. A troll potter (2nd letter of name)
      IGNEOUS = G
      7. Curator of A-M Dwarf Bread Museum (last name, 6th letter)
      8. First declared female dwarf member of the Watch (last name, 2nd letter)
      9. Patrician's personal clerk (last name, 5th letter)

      M_/E_/L_/O_/G_/G_/N_/I_/K_/ =  Who the Watch was looking for
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10 = KING GOLEM



      The following kfl-announce poll is now closed. Here are the
      final results:

      POLL QUESTION: Which guild is best?

      - Assassins guild, 0 votes, 0.00%
      - Thiefs guild, 0 votes, 0.00%
      - Fools guild, 0 votes, 0.00%
      - Engravers guild, 0 votes, 0.00%
      - Beggars guild, 0 votes, 0.00%
      - Alchemists guild, 0 votes, 0.00%
      - Seamstresses' guild, 0 votes, 0.00%
      - Dog guild, 0 votes, 0.00%
      - Embalmers guild, 0 votes, 0.00%
      - Gamblers guild, 0 votes, 0.00%

      For more information about this group, please visit

      Ed. note: Hey, don't ask me. I just publish this stuff



      The Mental Eclectic's performances of Terry Pratchett's
      "Guards! Guards!" adapted for the stage by Stephen Briggs
      continue through October 3 and 4. All shows are at 8 PM
      at the Upland Theatre located at 601 5th Ave. Upland, CA 91786.
      Tickets are $8 at the door. Please visit the website at
      http://orrweb.net/guards/index.php for all the details.


      Unseen Theatre Company will present Terry Pratchett's
      "Mort" at the Bakehouse Theatre, 255 Angas Street,
      Adelaide, Australia. from October 15 to November 1 from
      Wednesday to Saturday evenings at 8.00pm. Back by
      popular demand, in 2000 "Mort" won both critical acclaim
      and the Light Year Award for Best Costumes.

      Bookings: Betty 8296 2004 (7am-7pm, 7 days) or BASS 131 246
      (booking fee will apply)
      Tickets: Adult $14, Concession $12, Group (10+) $10

      PREVIEW Wed Oct 15, all tickets $10, only available on 8296 2004

      THEATRE DINNER DEAL - Thai Hutt Restaurant
      214 Hutt St, Adelaide - Entree, Main, Soft Drink and Ticket $30
      only available on 8296 2004. BOOKINGS ESSENTIAL.
      For more details, see: http://www.unseen.com.au

      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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