Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)

Expand Messages
  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 9) NOT THE DISC HOROSCOPE
    Message 1 of 2 , Apr 30 4:50 PM
    • 0 Attachment
      WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
      -------------------------------------------------------
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      9) NOT THE DISC HOROSCOPE
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      Sorry to report that Lady Aranluc's ever-popular Disc
      Horoscope will not appear this month, since her
      computer was stolen by dwarves and was made into
      a splendid suit of armor, which is nice but won't help
      you discover your destiny for April.

      However, my good friend Manu found another amusing
      article in his KFL newsletter for our Spanish branch,
      and has sent it along to help out:

      WHERE *NOT* TO READ DISCWORLD BOOKS

      Strange as it may seem, there are some places or situations
      where reading Discworld books is not the right thing to do. The
      list is pretty big and about ten or twelve newsletters would be
      required to cover them all. The ones below can be considered
      the most representative; you'll discover the rest of them as you
      go along. Believe me, you will.
                   
      One of the places where you should never read is on a subway
      or bus. The explanation can be summarized in a word: ill-at-ease.
      We are not talking about the clustering of a lot of people in a really
      small environment -- we're talking about something worse. We are
      talking about that disturbing, disgusting, awful, in a word, that
      unwanted situation in which someone is quietly reading and
      suddenly there are five or six "literary borrowers" around him.

      They sit beside you, in back of you, and even stand in the aisle
      next to you. Before you know it, they are reading along with you.
      Worst of all, the moment comes when one lurking reader has read
      faster than you, and starts coughing and clearing his throat to point
      out that he has already finished the page and hints that perhaps you're
      reading too slowly. You start to feel the pressure, along with a
      stomach ache, a cold sweat and a longing to be five miles away.
      Besides all this, you sometimes discover that the odors from
      people going home from work are not the best atmosphere for
      a rewarding reading experience.

      Another bad place for reading Terry Pratchett is during a fire
      in your home. The most reasonable procedure to follow is:

      1. Leave everything you are doing and, no matter how, save
         your Discworld novel collection. If you have spare time, you
         can also save some lesser things, like The Lord of the Rings,
         Don Quixote, the Holy Bible, etc., but this is optional.
      2. Cover yourself, with a wet blanket if possible, go back and
         get into the place again to rescue your PC.
      3. Well, now you can take it easy. Just remember to phone the
         firehouse. Calmly tell the neighbours to leave the building.
      They'll be fun to watch as they scurry out, mob-like, wearing
      pajamas and inhaling the greatest possible amount of smoke
      on their way to the street.
      4. Now everything is really over. As you pick up your favourite
         Pratchett book again, tell the ambulance driver to stop making
      all that fuss with lights and noises. Tell your brother to remember
      that third degree burns over 90% of his body are not such a bad
      thing and to stop screaming as it makes it hard to concentrate
      on what you're reading.

      The third and worst situation to read Pratchett books is
      during an evacuation. And no, it is not the same thing we were
      discussing above. We mean... ahem, well, you know, er... when
      you are sitting and making an effort, ahem, answering the call
      of nature, ahem, and such. The solution is simple: the
      only proper reading to do in the toilet is to read junk mail,
      especially political stuff. Best of all, afterwards you can
      dispose of it quickly and easily.

      There are many other inappropriate situations, and you'll soon
      discover them. For example, you shouldn't read Terry
      Pratchett while driving, climbing, painting your house, being
      on a trial, in a hospital, crossing a road, taking a shower
      or...  well... having sex.

      Don't thank me. It was nothing.

      -- Jay&SeSiNo
      <SeSiNo@...>

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      10) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  LORDS AND LADIES
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      Answer the questions and put the letter
      indicated into the spot shown.   Read the words
      backwards and discover the sign of the times.

      (Note: all spellings are from the 1992 Gollancz edition.)
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
      ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
      1. Teacher of Esmeralda Weatherwax (last name, 5th letter)
      2. Aide to Queen of the Elves (lst letter)
      3. The Short-Tempered Queen of Lancre (3rd letter)
      4. Lancre Castle Falconer (9th letter)
      5. Old Threepenny's daughter (last name, 2nd letter)
      6. First human to be killed by the Unicorn (last name, 2nd letter)
      7. Name on Librarian's new bright blue collar (1st letter)
      8. Mundane name of Diamanda (last name, 2nd letter)
      9. The Royal Beekeeper (last name, 2nd letter)
      10. Queen Agantia made him a Count (last name, 1st letter)

      __/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = The sign of the times
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/    

      Puzzle solution will appear next month.

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: SOUL MUSIC
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      1. The new owner of The Mended Drum (1st letter, 1st name)
      HIBISCUS Dunelm = H
      2. Secretary of the Musicians' Guild (4th letter, last name)
      Mr. CLETE = T
      3. A small flat troll, sat on by elephants (1st letter)
      ASPHALT = A
      4. A guitar maker and author (1st name, 3rd letter)
      BLERT Wheedon = E
      5. AKA Adrian Turnipseed (2nd name, last letter)
      Big MAD Drongo = D
      6. A forgetful organization (1st word, last letter)
      KLATCHIAN Foreign Legion = N
      7. One of the Musicians' Guild's recruiting officers (1st name, 2nd letter)
      SATCHELMOUTH Lemon = A
      8. A troll godfather in the Breccia (5th letter)
      CHRYSOPRASE = S
      9. Stage name of Imp y Celyn (1st name, 2nd letter)
      BUDDY = U
      10. Real name of Cliff (1st name, 4th letter)
      LIAS Bluestone = S

      H_/T_/A_/E_/D_/N_/A_/S_/U_/S_/ = Beau Nidle's granddaughter
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/     = SUSAN DEATH
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      11) ANAGRAM CONTEST

      For anyone who isn't familiar with the joys of anagramming, the
      idea of anagram-making is to take the letters of a name or phrase
      and make a new phrase that, in the best possible circumstance, is
      either descriptive of the person whose name provided the letters,
      or -- one hopes! -- humorous. Or even, erm, vaguely clever :-)

      The only 'rule' of anagramming is that all the letters in the name
      or phrase must be used, and only used once. It's a bit like Scrabble,
      really!

      Some useful tips for Discworld anagrams: look at the chosen
      character's name and see if you can make any Discly names
      from some of the letters -- e.g., Lancre or Klatch or Dibbler or
      Gaspode; then see if it's possible to make words from what's left.
      Don't forget to consider relevant initials, common abbreviations,
      titles and contractions -- e.g., Mr or Mrs or Mss, pash or skivvy,
      U.U. or DTm, Lord or Sir, can't or ain't -- which can help to
      use up those pesky extra consonants. And where necessary, be
      sure you have a handy explanation for some of the...odder
      anagrams.

      And now, a demonstration. *Do* try this at home!

      Havelock Vetinari = VIE OVER KLATCHIAN

      Not only does this contain 'Klatchian', but it gives a nod
      to Lord Vetinari's vital role in 'Jingo'.

      Then there's the matter of his careful stewardship of A-M:

      AIN'T HE A ROCK V. EVIL?!
      'E VIOLENCE RIVAL AT ANKH
      O, I'VE ANKH VERTICAL (an economic statement?)

      A possible headline in the A-M Times about the rumours that
      the Odium click-pit will reopen:

      ANKH TO ICE REVIVAL!

      A description of Sybil's rendition of Bloodaxe and Ironhammer:

      VALIANT VOICE-HIKER

      ...or a necessity in the U.U. job description:

      HAVE V. OCTARINE ILK

      Here's how the contest will work: Pick any five of the
      names below and work out a flock of anagrams for them.
      Then pick the two best ones (in your opinion) and
      submit them to Joe at jschaum111@...:

      CARROT IRONFOUNDERSSON
      SERGEANT COLON
      DETRITUS AND RUBY
      COUNT GIAMO CASANUNDA
      ARCHCHANCELLOR MUSTRUM RIDCULLY
      GRANNY WEATHERWAX
      MAGRAT GARLICK, WITCH-QUEEN OF LANCRE
      CHEERY LITTLEBOTTOM
      SUSAN STO HELIT
      PONDER STIBBONS
      KING VERENCE OF LANCRE
      DELPHINE ANGUA VON UBERWALD
      COMMANDER SAMUEL VIMES
      LADY SYBIL RAMKIN
      LEONARD OF QUIRM
      ALBERTO MALICH
      AGNES "PERDITA" NITT

      He will pass them on to me and our panel of
      judges who will select the best ones. Each
      selected one will count for ten points. Thus
      your score can be as high as 100 points.

      If one person is ahead of all the rest, he or she
      will be acclaimed as the winner and will
      receive a prize. If there are ties, we will have
      runoff contests. The prizes have not yet been
      selected and any ideas you may have will be
      seriously considered.

      Right, what more do you need to know?

      -- Drusilla D'Afanguin, Anagrams Mistress
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      -----------------------------------------------------------------------
      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion



      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
      WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 9) NOT THE DISC HOROSCOPE
      Message 2 of 2 , Apr 30 5:03 PM
      • 0 Attachment
        WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
        -------------------------------------------------------
        oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
        9) NOT THE DISC HOROSCOPE
        oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

        Sorry to report that Lady Aranluc's ever-popular Disc
        Horoscope will not appear this month, since her
        computer was stolen by dwarves and was made into
        a splendid suit of armor, which is nice but won't help
        you discover your destiny for April.

        However, my good friend Manu found another amusing
        article in his KFL newsletter for our Spanish branch,
        and has sent it along to help out:

        WHERE *NOT* TO READ DISCWORLD BOOKS

        Strange as it may seem, there are some places or situations
        where reading Discworld books is not the right thing to do. The
        list is pretty big and about ten or twelve newsletters would be
        required to cover them all. The ones below can be considered
        the most representative; you'll discover the rest of them as you
        go along. Believe me, you will.
                     
        One of the places where you should never read is on a subway
        or bus. The explanation can be summarized in a word: ill-at-ease.
        We are not talking about the clustering of a lot of people in a really
        small environment -- we're talking about something worse. We are
        talking about that disturbing, disgusting, awful, in a word, that
        unwanted situation in which someone is quietly reading and
        suddenly there are five or six "literary borrowers" around him.

        They sit beside you, in back of you, and even stand in the aisle
        next to you.  Before you know it, they are reading along with you.
        Worst of all, the moment comes when one lurking reader has read
        faster than you, and starts coughing and clearing his throat to point
        out that he has already finished the page and hints that perhaps you're
        reading too slowly.  You start to feel the pressure, along with a
        stomach ache, a cold sweat and a longing to be five miles away.
        Besides all this, you sometimes discover that the odors from
        people going home from work are not the best atmosphere for
        a rewarding reading experience.

        Another bad place for reading Terry Pratchett is during a fire
        in your home. The most reasonable procedure to follow is:

        1. Leave everything you are doing and, no matter how, save
           your Discworld novel collection. If you have spare time, you
           can also save some lesser things, like The Lord of the Rings,
           Don Quixote, the Holy Bible, etc., but this is optional.
        2. Cover yourself, with a wet blanket if possible, go back and
           get into the place again to rescue your PC.
        3. Well, now you can take it easy. Just remember to phone the
           firehouse. Calmly tell the neighbours to leave the building.
           They'll be fun to watch as they scurry out, mob-like, wearing
           pajamas and inhaling the greatest possible amount of smoke
           on their way to the street.
        4. Now everything is really over. As you pick up your favourite
           Pratchett book again, tell the ambulance driver to stop making
           all that fuss with lights and noises. Tell your brother to remember
           that third degree burns over 90% of his body are not such a bad
           thing and to stop screaming as it makes it hard to concentrate
           on what you're reading.

        The third and worst situation to read Pratchett books is
        during an evacuation. And no, it is not the same thing we were
        discussing above. We mean... ahem, well, you know, er... when
        you are sitting and making an effort, ahem, answering the call
        of nature, ahem, and such. The solution is simple: the
        only proper reading to do in the toilet is to read junk mail,
        especially political stuff.  Best of all, afterwards you can
        dispose of it quickly and easily.

        There are many other inappropriate situations, and you'll soon
        discover them. For example, you shouldn't read Terry
        Pratchett while driving, climbing, painting your house, being
        on a trial, in a hospital, crossing a road, taking a shower
        or...  well... having sex.

        Don't thank me.  It was nothing.

        -- Jay&SeSiNo
        <SeSiNo@...>

        ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
        10) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  LORDS AND LADIES
        ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

        Answer the questions and put the letter
        indicated into the spot shown.   Read the words
        backwards and discover the sign of the times.

        (Note: all spellings are from the 1992 Gollancz edition.)
        ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
        ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
        -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
        1. Teacher of Esmeralda Weatherwax (last name, 5th letter)
        2. Aide to Queen of the Elves (lst letter)
        3. The Short-Tempered Queen of Lancre (3rd letter)
        4. Lancre Castle Falconer (9th letter)
        5. Old Threepenny's daughter (last name, 2nd letter)
        6. First human to be killed by the Unicorn (last name, 2nd letter)
        7. Name on Librarian's new bright blue collar (1st letter)
        8. Mundane name of Diamanda (last name, 2nd letter)
        9. The Royal Beekeeper (last name, 2nd letter)
        10. Queen Agantia made him a Count (last name, 1st letter)

        __/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = The sign of the times
        1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/    

        Puzzle solution will appear next month.

        oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
        SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: SOUL MUSIC
        oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

        1. The new owner of The Mended Drum (1st letter, 1st name)
               HIBISCUS Dunelm = H
        2. Secretary of the Musicians' Guild (4th letter, last name)
               Mr. CLETE = T
        3. A small flat troll, sat on by elephants (1st letter)
               ASPHALT = A
        4. A guitar maker and author (1st name, 3rd letter)
               BLERT Wheedon = E
        5. AKA Adrian Turnipseed (2nd name, last letter)
               Big MAD Drongo = D
        6. A forgetful organization (1st word, last letter)
               KLATCHIAN Foreign Legion = N
        7. One of the Musicians' Guild's recruiting officers (1st name, 2nd letter)
               SATCHELMOUTH Lemon = A
        8. A troll godfather in the Breccia (5th letter)
               CHRYSOPRASE = S
        9. Stage name of Imp y Celyn (1st name, 2nd letter)
               BUDDY = U
        10. Real name of Cliff (1st name, 4th letter)
               LIAS Bluestone = S

        H_/T_/A_/E_/D_/N_/A_/S_/U_/S_/ = Beau Nidle's granddaughter
        1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/       =  SUSAN DEATH
        ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

        11) ANAGRAM CONTEST

        For anyone who isn't familiar with the joys of anagramming, the
        idea of anagram-making is to take the letters of a name or phrase
        and make a new phrase that, in the best possible circumstance, is
        either descriptive of the person whose name provided the letters,
        or -- one hopes! -- humorous. Or even, erm, vaguely clever :-)

        The only 'rule' of anagramming is that all the letters in the name
        or phrase must be used, and only used once. It's a bit like Scrabble,
        really!

        Some useful tips for Discworld anagrams: look at the chosen
        character's name and see if you can make any Discly names
        from some of the letters -- e.g., Lancre or Klatch or Dibbler or
        Gaspode; then see if it's possible to make words from what's left.
        Don't forget to consider relevant initials, common abbreviations,
        titles and contractions -- e.g., Mr or Mrs or Mss, pash or skivvy,
        U.U. or DTm, Lord or Sir, can't or ain't -- which can help to
        use up those pesky extra consonants. And where necessary, be
        sure you have a handy explanation for some of the...odder
        anagrams.

        And now, a demonstration. *Do* try this at home!

        Havelock Vetinari = VIE OVER KLATCHIAN

        Not only does this contain 'Klatchian', but it gives a nod
        to Lord Vetinari's vital role in 'Jingo'.

        Then there's the matter of his careful stewardship of A-M:

        AIN'T HE A ROCK V. EVIL?!
        'E VIOLENCE RIVAL AT ANKH
        O, I'VE ANKH VERTICAL (an economic statement?)

        A possible headline in the A-M Times about the rumours that
        the Odium click-pit will reopen:

        ANKH  TO ICE REVIVAL!

        A description of Sybil's rendition of Bloodaxe and Ironhammer:

        VALIANT VOICE-HIKER

        ...or a necessity in the U.U. job description:

        HAVE V. OCTARINE ILK

        Here's how the contest will work:  Pick any five of the
        names below and work out a flock of anagrams for them.
        Then pick the two best ones (in your opinion) and
        submit them to Joe at  jschaum111@...:

        CARROT IRONFOUNDERSSON
        SERGEANT COLON
        DETRITUS AND RUBY
        COUNT GIAMO CASANUNDA
        ARCHCHANCELLOR MUSTRUM RIDCULLY
        GRANNY WEATHERWAX
        MAGRAT GARLICK, WITCH-QUEEN OF LANCRE
        CHEERY LITTLEBOTTOM
        SUSAN STO HELIT
        PONDER STIBBONS
        KING VERENCE OF LANCRE
        DELPHINE ANGUA VON UBERWALD
        COMMANDER SAMUEL VIMES
        LADY SYBIL RAMKIN
        LEONARD OF QUIRM
        ALBERTO MALICH
        AGNES "PERDITA" NITT

        He will pass them on to me and our panel of
        judges who will select the best ones.  Each
        selected one will count for ten points.  Thus
        your score can be as high as 100 points.

        If one person is ahead of all the rest, he or she
        will be acclaimed as the winner and will
        receive a prize.  If there are ties, we will have
        runoff contests.  The prizes have not yet been
        selected and any ideas you may have will be
        seriously considered.

        Right, what more do you need to know?

        -- Drusilla D'Afanguin,  Anagrams Mistress
        ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
        -----------------------------------------------------------------------
        If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
        -------------------------------------------------------------------------
        Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion




        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.