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WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 11) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 28, 2003
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      WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)


      Delayed, I know. I'm sorry. All this stuff with the grapes on New
      Year's Eve made me exhausted, especially since they were in
      bottles. If they had been sausages, maybe I'd have more energy,
      I don't know...

      (Ed. Note: Since the year has already started, here's a wonderful
      way to check the accuracy of these horoscopes. Let us know
      if they are working for you.)

      21 March - 20 April
      The Perhaps Gate

      You start the year with a good stride, quite contented after the
      holidays' rest. That's the way I like it, just forgetting those
      little disgusting things life has. So what if your pet has a
      terminal disease, if your bank account has been drained,
      if your loved one is stuffing socks in the drains because she is
      planning to flee with the repairman and leave you, literally,
      up to here in poop? Life is nice. Uh... Hey, you, what're you
      doing on the window ledge? Don't tell me you didn't know
      anything about all that...

      21 April - 21 May
      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips

      Now the holidays are over, it's time to get used to your lies
      and compromises. I know you had recovered your links to your
      family, but handcuffing your cousins to the living room's table
      and setting traps to avoid your granny's traditional January
      flight to Florida to slowly roast herself in the sun is overdoing
      it a little. And no, your boss is NOT an ogre just because she
      doesn't allow you to bring your mum to work to cook for you.

      22 May - 21 June
      The Two Fat Cousins

      The fat twin has made some New Year's resolutions and
      he intends to stick to it. Nothing will get between him
      and his road to perfection. No tobacco, no alcohol, no
      pointless money wasting, no more allowing the members
      of the opposite sex to do as they please, not to talk
      about the family -- and above all, lots of exercise. Come on,
      guy, go ahead. I'm sure you'll manage to go to the gym
      twice before ending up in a bar with your friends, spending
      the money you don't have to pay for someone's drinks
      just because he has promised to introduce you to his cousin,
      who happens to look really cool. Butyou'll have to be home
      early, because you've promised to go with your mum to the
      sales to help her with the shopping bags. Come on, guy,
      live it up!.

      22 June - 22 July
      Wezen, the Two-Headed Kangaroo

      This year looks difficult. A whole world of possibilities opens
      before you, someone who makes any waiter despair by
      spending three hours picking your choices from the menu.
      A deep abyss opens ahead: Meat or fish? Self-employed
      or just employed? Batman or Spiderman? Pizza or Chinese
      food? Everything is just too complicated. Well, at least you
      can try to flip a coin to decide but, with your luck, maybe
      it won't come back down at all...

      23 July - 23 August
      The Cow of Heaven

      You cannot stop thinking about your personal feats, writing
      the speech you will make when you finally get the Nobel
      Peace Prize you deserve for pacifying your granny after
      your cousin ate the last shrimp, and thinking of the best
      way to avoid those paparazzi coming to your door to ask
      you how you managed to look so astonishing on New
      Year's Eve. You don't kiss yourself because you cannot.
      Sooner or later someone will make you come back down to
      reality, and you'll sober up, but for now just enjoy it

      24 August - 23 September
      Mubbo, the Hyena

      Beware of the flu. There is a micro-organism around with your
      name written on it. Talking about other things, I'd really look
      around if I were you, because some things happen only once
      in a lifetime and who knows how long you have? Just hang
      on to things. And if the flu gets you, well maybe you will
      recover later, but if you don't, you don't. Think positive.

      24 September - 23 October
      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars

      Your life is settling down step by step. All those little things
      that were making you worry will start going well, and that will
      relieve you, since you normally leave everything for the last
      moment. It's a miracle, maybe for once you will do something
      well and will be able to stop pretending to be a decent person,
      animal-caring and law-abiding. Yes, I know that you believe that
      everyone thinks you are a psycho who likes to rip wings off flies
      and then shriek for minutes like a maniac, but remember:
      you're as normal as I am.

      24 October - 22 November
      Okjok, the Salesman

      You, like Scarlet O'Hara before, have sworn never to be hungry
      again. And you simply go through life with your fist lifted and
      the firm intention of becoming a fighting-plane pilot, or at least
      to ride a vulture and fly it through the fields. Ah, you thought
      we weren't aware of your little secret? We've spent months
      filming you...

      23 November - 21 December
      The Overworked Orang-Utang

      You feel so enthusiastic about the new year that you'll spend the
      bigger part of this month drawing messy diagrams of all the things
      you are planning to do and achieve in 2003. Your whole life will be
      programmed accurately for every minute, even writing down how
      many slices you'll cut off each steak you'll have for dinner, and
      how many times you'll chew each one of them before swallowing.
      So much work, and all that paper will end up being recycled...

      22 December - 20 January
      The Celestial Parsnip

      The holidays have left you soft and mouldy, and just as if you
      were Prozac overdosed, you've decided to make other people's lives
      a garden of tranquility and happiness. The Christmas' Spirit, of
      which luckily the rest of us have been able to get rid of has taken
      cover in this sign. From now on you'll be called Legion. Someone
      look for an exorcist, please. Where's Father Karras when you need

      21 January - 18 February
      The Knotted String

      This year the Hogfather has brought you something not related at
      all to sausages. Luckily for you (and much to everyone else's
      dismay), this year you'll radiate charisma all over. Glamour. A smile
      from you can move a thousand ships, and it's not that you have a
      champagne-bottle face. You are dangerous. I don't want to see you,
      I won't risk being sold a Shrimp Encyclopedia by you and having
      to thank you afterwards. Please, don't go into politics. Something
      should be done about you. I wonder if garlic will be enough or
      or I'll have to look for something more effective...

      19 February - 20 March
      The Flying Moose

      Pomegranate, pomegranate. This year, like a pomegranate bush,
      you'll make your family stick together as an interesting and
      joint clan with its picturesque and curious customs, its own
      folklore and an animist religion based on the cult of the living
      room lightbulb, which lights our lives, the fridge, which feeds
      us, and the privy tissue-roll, which comforts us with its double
      coating in our times of despair. Body-painting, tweed skirts and
      showing your butt to the postman before charging into him waving
      a frying pan and shouting 'Freeeedommmm!" is just the tip of the
      iceberg. And myself, I don't feel like seeing the rest of it. Get
      a life.

      -- Lady Aranluc


      Answer the questions and put the letter
      indicated into the spot shown. Read the words
      backwards and discover the name of a once-popular
      deity who is having a lot of problems.
      (Note: all spellings are from the 1992 Gollancz edition.)

      Example: Pratchett - 1st letter: ANSWER: Terry LETTER = T

      1. A Novice Master (4th letter)
      2. Head of the Quisition (2nd letter)
      3. Secretary to the Congress of Iams (1st letter)
      4. Blind Ephebian philosopher (9th letter)
      5. Claimed sand was just "worn down mountains" (1st letter)
      6. The Chosen One (4th letter)
      7. Invisible companion of St Ungulant (1st letter)
      8. The Superior Iam (2nd letter)
      9. Secretary to the Ephebian Tyrant (2nd letter)
      10. Military rank of Iam Fri'it

      __/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = deity with problems
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

      Puzzle solution will appear next month.


      1. A banshee with a speech impediment (6th letter)
      IXOLITE = T
      2. Dead Rights activist Mr. Shoe (1st name, 1st letter)
      REG = R
      3. Those who monitor reality (first letter)
      AUDITORS = A
      4. Arthur Winking, Count ________ (3rd letter)
      5. The oldest wizard (last name, 5th letter)
      POONS = S
      6. Female farm owner who hired the unemployed Death (last name, 9th letter)
      7. Agoraphobic bogeyman (1st letter)
      8. The Great Attractor, the Death of Universes (5th letter)
      AZRAEL = E
      9. Female farm owner's hired hand (last name, 4th letter
      DOOR = R
      10. Female farm owner's former boyfriend (1st name, 3rd letter)
      RUFUS = F
      T_/R_/A_/T_/S_/H_/S_/E_/R_/F_/ = Undead activist club
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/ = FRESH START
      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

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