Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2002 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)

Expand Messages
  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2002 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 9) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE - THE MURKY CRYSTAL BALL Once again, my good
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 1, 2003
      WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2002 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)


      Once again, my good friend Manu, head of our KFL
      Spanish language section, and editor of El PuercoespĂ­n
      (The Hedgehog), has translated Lady Aranluc's latest
      Horoscope, and here it is:



      We had a few complaints after the last issue that we had omitted
      an entire sign, and that one-twelfth of our readership was
      wandering around in a mental fog. Actually, we were the ones
      in a mental fog, same as always. Here's what we left out:

      September 24 - October 23
      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars

      Christmas time has come, and the small boring group
      person needs to see life from other points of view, take in the
      little details, expand her horizons, get a deeper knowledge
      of the world around her ... in short, the poor thing needs
      someone to buy her new glasses before she puts her
      foot in a ditch and kisses the road...


      March 21 - April 20
      The Perhaps Gate

      You'll start communing with the ones around you with an increased
      efficiency, discovering that you have a lot in common with them.
      For a start, you share 50% of your DNA with your mother, and you
      thought she was just the lady who washes your dirty clothes. Well,
      it turns out that you are really the laundry woman's son, and you
      have spent all these years living a lie.

      April 21 - May 21
      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips

      Hurrah, you are soon going to find something you've spent a
      long time looking for. Will it be the motorcycle keys? Will
      it be those wits everyone says you are short of? Will it be
      your half grapefruit? Well, just pray it is not the good kicking
      everybody says you've been deserving for quite a long time...

      May 22 - June 21
      The Two Fat Cousins

      This month you have become a nominee for the "Most Horrible Person
      Award 2002" no doubt due to all that watching yourself in the
      mirror and moaning "Oh, we must lose some pounds here and shrink
      them there," and "How much did you say we should try to lift?" And
      meaning it, of course. If you survive until next month without anyone
      breaking your skull, you can consider yourself successful -- or at
      least very lucky.

      June 22 - July 22
      Wezen the Double-Headed Kangaroo

      Life smiles on you, or at least does not seem about to hit you very
      hard. At worst, it just ignores you, and trust me when I say that
      it's just as well. Just think what would happen if one of these days
      it suddenly remembered you... Well, keep your ears open, for maybe
      this month you'll get to hear some spicy gossip. Pass it on -- but
      only if you have a good lawyer.

      July 23 - August 23
      The Cow of Heaven

      Put your hand in your pocket and take out a dollar. Got it? Right. Now
      carefully look at it and fix it in your mind, because it will be the
      last one you'll see for quite a while. I don't know what it is you
      do with your money, but it just flies away. Maybe it's that
      your mother has learned something from the Secret Master
      (i.e., you) and gets up at night to clean out your pockets...

      August 24 - September 23
      Mubbo the Hyena

      No one is going to fake you out anymore. They won't get anything
      past you now. You want proof, lots of proof, for everything. Or
      else you won't get out of their way. If they say "This is the word
      of God" at the church, you stand up and yell to the priest: "Who
      said that? Produce someone who has seen God saying
      that, or else produce God down here right now to ratify it. Oh,
      and pull the other church, it's got bells on." An angry mob with
      torches will be waiting for you.

      September 24 - October 23
      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars

      Although this is a good moment to seek care and comfort from
      your loved ones, you should not overdo it. I mean, those chains
      attached to the wall are too much, and the nine-tailed whip is frankly
      overkill. And if you're wondering why people will not help you
      voluntarily ... perhaps you should just reconsider your way
      of asking for things.

      October 24 - November 22
      Okjok the Salesman

      Ho ho ho, what a splendid month you've got ahead. If you do well, you'll
      be more popular than Brad Pitt at an organized granny holiday. In other
      words, if you don't pick up someone this month, you can start thinking
      about celibacy, because your astral conjunction is the best
      you can expect in a very long time. I don't mean to put you down,
      mind. Come on, all you need is love. Well, in fact, all you need is
      a home, a decent job, eating every day and, since you point it out, love.
      But go easy, step by step, first things first, all that stuff. And if the
      love thing doesn't work out, blame it on astral forces, same as

      November 23 - December 21
      The Overworked Orang-Utang

      This is the best moment to march firmly into life -- pay off your credit
      cards, take out a substantial bank loan, fix your marriage, take control
      of your mentally unstable children, get rid of that crappy job... Now or
      never, kid. And my point is not to overwhelm you, it's just that
      this is the ideal time to move out of your basement apartment
      and get a life. Oh, and your mother says to remember that
      she wants to see some grandchildren before her Alzheimer's
      takes away the the little sanity she's got left after coping with
      you all these years.

      December 22 - January 20
      The Celestial Parsnip

      I see something wrong with your stomach or your intestines. I don't
      know if it's a case of bad digestion, a hot sauce overdose or a big
      potato stuck in your gut, but you are really constipated. Just eat
      a lot of boiled rice, boiled fish and grilled chicken breast, drink
      wisely and make sure there's enough toilet paper for when
      the constipation wears off. And, in case it's not bad digestion
      but a biological attack by terrorists, don't forget to take your

      January 21 - February 18
      The Knotted String

      Surprise trip ahead, if you're going to London, Greece, Hong Kong,
      Bombay, Tijuana or Singapore. Just as long as it's not to the
      supermarket on the corner... Now that I think about it, given the
      pseudo-vegetal lifestyle some people have, the supermarket on
      the corner can be an exciting adventure, too. Just leave your money
      at home and argue with the manager. But bring a strong friend, just in case.

      February 19 - March 20
      The Flying Moose

      You can get what you want out of people. You know how to speak, you
      know you can get people to do whatever you want, you've got an
      impressive stare, hard to resist. Okay, the knife in your pocket also
      helps, but I prefer the traditional, natural means of persuasion.
      You know: bribery, extortion, menacing anonymous notes,
      threatening phone calls, visits at five o'clock in the morning in full
      psycho mode... Hey, it even works with teachers -- many of the
      world's top leaders used it just to get through school. Not me,
      of course.

      -- Lady Aranluc


      Answer the questions and put the letter
      indicated into the spot shown. Read the words
      backwards and discover the name of the President
      of the Alchemists Guild who led the way to Holy Wood.
      (Note: all spellings are from the 1990 Gollancz edition.)

      Example: Pratchett - 1st letter: ANSWER: Terry LETTER = T

      1. Friends call her "Ginger" (1st name, 2nd letter)

      2. Throat's nephew, VP in Charge of Making Pictures (1st name, 1st letter)

      3. Head Handleman (2nd name, 2nd letter)

      4. The short order chef at Borgle's Restaurant (1st letter)

      5. Last Keeper of the Door (2nd name, 1st letter)

      6. The Wonder Dog (7th letter)

      7. Male star of "Blown Away" (1st name, 1st letter)

      8. Only client of The Wonder Dog (1st letter)

      9. Organ-playing daughter of Bezam (1st name, 5th letter)

      10. VP in Charge of Wardrobe (2nd name, 3rd letter)

      __/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = President of Alchemists Guild
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

      Puzzle solution will appear next month.

      1. Red ____ Witch of the Night (1st letter)
      SHARRON = S (Oops, Diome was the Witch. Sharron
      was just sitting next to her. Sorry about that.)
      2. Spawn of the Pit (1st letter)
      3. Most beautiful woman in the Ephebian world (2nd letter)
      ELENAR = L
      4. Explorer searching for Fountain of Youth (2nd letter)
      5. New Archchancellor of Unseen University (1st letter)
      6. One of the oldest demon dukes (1st letter)
      7. King of the Demons (1st letter)
      ASTFGL = A
      8. The Feathered Boa (14th letter)
      QUEZOVERCOATL = L (actually the 13th letter,
      ah well. Tsk tsk.)

      S_/U_/L_/O_/E_/V_/A_/L_/_= Rincewind's ancestor
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8* / = LAVOLEUS (Oops, actually Lavaeolus.
      It's been a long year.)
      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      Copyright (c) 2002 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.