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WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2002 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2002 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo DISCWORLD POETS STRIKE AGAIN!
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 1, 2003
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      WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2002 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      DISCWORLD POETS STRIKE AGAIN!
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      5) 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE HOGSWATCH

      'Twas the night before Hogswatch, and all through BU
      Not a being was stirring, not ConMan or Dru.

      The stockings were hung up -- the Dean's was four feet,
      In the hopes that the Hogfather'd bring lots of meat.

      The students were rested all snug in their beds,
      While visions of Hex upgrades danced in their heads.

      Libwolf had escaped from Steven's latest trap,
      And all of the staff had a post-banquet nap.

      When out in the night there arose such a noise,
      But it was just Steven and Dru and their toys.

      Somewhere on the grounds there was such a great crash,
      That all of BU came awake in a flash.
      Although there was no trace of snow on the ground,
      There clearly was heard a sleigh bell-like sound.

      When what past my wondering eyes should then soar
      But a sleigh drawn by six metric tonnes of prime boar
      Whose pillow-stuffed driver (plus dyspeptic elf)
      Could be no-one but the Hogfather himself!

      More rapid than Rincewind retreating they came
      A-grunting in time as he called them by name

      NOW, GOUGER, NOW, SNOUTER, NOW, TUSKER, PULL HARD.
      NOW, ROOTER, DASH FASTER, THOU SLACK TUB OF LARD!
      WE NEED TO GET MOVING ALONG ON OUR COURSE,
      OR I'LL SERVE YOU WITH CRACKLING AND HOT APPLE SAUCE!

      Like Arabel's corsets, when us├ęd as slings [1]
      His words of encouragement gave their feet wings
      So up to the rooftop his coursers did rise
      With a sleigh full of snags, smoked hams, chops and pork pies.

      And then in a twinkling, I heard the hot hiss
      Of Gouger and harness-mates taking a piss
      As we dove 'neath our beds with a chorus of moans
      Down the chimney the Hogfather came, rattling bones!

      Though dressed in bright colours, his robes were a mess
      And 'neath them were strong hints of skellington-ness
      A lumpy old bag he had slung o'er his shoulder,
      He looked quite like Dibbler, though quite a bit...older...

      His eyes -- how they twinkled! His broad grin -- how merry!
      (Meanwhile, Albert-elf made a dive for the sherry)
      His skull it shone bright in the gleam of the fire
      And the beard on his chin was held on with cheap wire.

      The stump of a pipe he held clenched in his mouth --
      "No smoking in here!" shouted Cat. "Put that out!!!"
      His HO HO was dreadful, as false as his belly
      And eww! Had he ever had elves quite *that* smelly?

      His other companion -- a skeletal rat -
      Was disguised an angel (not a good one, at that).
      The fact that he didn't have eyes in his head,
      Made me wonder if he was Death - or at least dead.

      Together they ate up the turnips and cheese,
      With never so much as a "thank you" or "please."
      They filled up the stockings, and under the tree
      Put even more gifts. Then to the chimney,

      And up it they flew, and into the sleigh,
      Like kzak through a nanny[2], so swiftly went they.
      But I heard him exclaim, as I watched the sleigh go:
      HAPPY HOGSWATCH, AND ... WHAT? OH YES - HO, HO, HO.

      [1] Note the painfully clever use of poetically accented pronunciation :D [3]
      [2] See Mort.
      [3] Unless, of course, you have the *wrong* sort of computer

      -- ConMan (and Dru, neither of us stirring)
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      6) LIMERICKS THAT HAVE ROCKS IN THEM

      >EDITORIAL NOTE:
      >
      >When I asked for limericks for WOSSNAME,
      >I did not mean stuff like the Nantucket one,
      >or about hermits named Dave, all of which have
      >been ceremonially burned.
      >
      >How about some amusing on-topic DW ones, of
      >a pure and spiritual nature, of course? (Mass
      >exodus of the impure takes place....)

      Erm, *how* pure? You mean, like,

      For the Queen of the Beggars (one Molly)
      B.S. Johnson created a folly
      She wanted it small
      But he built it so tall
      It was seen from Al-Khali, by golly!

      -- Dru

      "It's Borrowing time," Granny said
      Then stayed cold and stiff in her bed
      They were laying her out
      When there came a great shout:
      "Oi! Now bugger off, I aten't dead!"

      -- Dru

      Havelock Vetinari, Patrician
      Keeps Ankh in a decent condition
      He'll tolerate crimes
      But watch out, would-be mimes:
      He's a man on a scorpion mission!

      -- Dru


      Hmm. How about these?

      There once was a guy named Stu,
      Whose limericks stopped at line two.

      -- Loopy

      There once was a guy named Donne.

      -- Loopy

      There's also apparently one by a guy
      named "Nero" in the same series. If
      anyone finds it, I know a bunch of people
      who are interested...

      -- Loopy

      Aaaaaaaaaarrrrgggggggggggggggggghhhh!!!

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      7) NEWBIE SEEKS ADVICE

      To the Editor:

      Hello. I hope you can answer my question. I read an article about the
      Discworld series and I think my husband would like to read it. I can't
      figure out however, what the first book in the series is.... I assume
      they should be read in order.... Please advise if possible.
      Thank you

      Julie Zielke
      juliette@...

      Ed: Would anyone like to help this newbie?
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      WHOSE SAFE DO YOU HAVE?

      To the Editor:

      > Cat then Dru then Cat again and now finally me:
      >
      > >>>- Your deepest darkest secret, so we can spread it around.

      <snip>

      > I'll give you a whole slew of them. I can't tie my shoes. I can't whistle.

      I can't whistle either.

      > I can't cross my eyes.

      Neither

      <snip a whole lot of secrets that aren't that bad really>

      Don't worry. Their safe with us.

      <Cat whispers conspiratorially in a loud voice to Joe "put it in the next
      WOSSNAME!">

      -- Cat

      Ed: Me? Never!

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3



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