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WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2002 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2002 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 12) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE Once again, my good friend Manu, head of
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 3, 2002
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      WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2002 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)

      Once again, my good friend Manu, head of our KFL
      Spanish language section, and editor of El PuercoespĂ­n
      (The Hedgehog), has translated Lady Aranluc's latest
      Horoscope, and here it is:


      This month will be a bit different: you don't look at your own
      horoscope but those of your loved ones. And as the holidays
      approach, you're going to discover which is the perfect
      present for each of them!

      March 21 - April 20
      The Perhaps Gate

      The best present for a Perhaps Gate is a videogame machine, a disc-
      man or, if your finances are not at their best, a hammer blow to the
      head... in short, anything that keeps your loved one amused, distracted
      and abstracted from the outer world for some hours. If worst comes
      to worst, a bottle of cheap booze may be all you'll need.

      April 21 - May 20
      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips

      A Vase of Tulips, given her tendency to get fat as a pig in Hogs-
      watch time by eating cake, pies, chocolate, ice cream and cookies
      won't appreciate it at first but will be tremendously grateful if you
      present her with a stylish sports outfit and a subscription to the
      nearest gym. The clothes won't fit and she'll never go to the gym,
      of course, but she will talk about it at least until mealtime.

      May 22 - June 21
      The Two Fat Cousins

      Just give him anything you want, but ALWAYS keep in mind that a
      Fat Cousin should be kept away from the Christmas tree. You
      don't want to go again through all last year's stuff, when he
      replaced the candles with Teletubbie dolls, or when he hung three
      whole batallions of Space Marines to protect the top of the tree
      against the Evil Mutant Lizard Horde from Alfa Centauri...

      June 22 - July 22
      Wezen, the Double-Headed Kangaroo

      The two-headed kangaroo, usually such a bast- uh, short-tempered
      person, turns at Christmas time into a fluffy teddy-bear eager to
      attend with a broad dripping smile to any unending Christmas-singing
      session with her family. Therefore, you can present her with just
      anything you can think of in the warm knowledge that it will be well
      received. But don't forget to hide when the Christmas-syndrome
      fades out and she starts hunting you down to make you swallow that
      horrible food that 'the Fat One brought.'

      July 23 - August 23
      The Cow of Heaven

      The Cow of Heaven keeps as much money as he can to himself and
      usually raids the junk shops the day before Christmas to get rid
      of all that present-shopping. I suggest that, if you really love
      your loved ones, don't let a Cow of Heaven buy your presents
      for you. And just make sure that this year Santa will give him an
      awful Beverly Hills 90210 keyring and a tin-opener made in Taiwan
      (i.e. exactly what he was going to buy for you) to make him taste
      his own medicine. Although, who knows, he may like it.

      August 24 - September 23
      Mubbo the Hyena

      Christmas is the Hyena's perfect time to make her sad social
      life turn into something even worse. Since her social skills are
      nearly nonexistent, and she's not used to all this jollity, she'll
      become that kind of sad character who goes around at parties
      with a continuous, stuck smile, moving spasmodically in a
      parody of rhythm. Your perfect present, therefore, would be
      a pair of crutches, or maybe a mask, to make sure the Hyena
      will be treated nicely and stopped from becoming the cause
      of general hilarity.

      October 24 - November 22
      Okjok, the Salesman

      In this special times a salesman needs, above anything else, to be
      in company. In case the languid looks, the incontrolable sighs, their
      continuous complaining of loneliness and tiredness or the amazing
      collection of movies and mags of strange content he has under his
      bed haven't been enough clues, I'll just reveal that the best present
      for a salesman would be to get a... er... a companion right now.

      November 23 - December 21
      The Overworked Orang-Utang

      Given the mess that is the life of anyone in this sign, and given
      the fact that the mess gets boosted at this time into the strato-
      sphere, the perfect present for them would be some tai-chi lessons,
      an aromatherapy set or a laudanum injection, and give it to them
      right now, before their hysteria ends with us all as nuts as they are!

      December 22 - January 20
      The Celestial Parnsip

      The Parnsip wants to go back to the Bible, and will not give
      it up for anything. This year, to imitate and give due credit to
      the Holy Family, she has plans to kidnap a pregnant woman and
      spend the Christmas holidays in a manger with some shepherds,
      just to see if any kings come around visiting. Your best bet would
      be to hire some actors to humor her, or if you can't afford it, lock
      her in the cellar until after New Years.

      January 21 - February 18
      The Knotted String

      The String just needs a break. Give him a ticket for a cruise,
      an airplane trip, or just a token for the subway. Anything that he
      can use to get far from home until the holidays are over, because
      if he sees any photos of his family or listens to the wrong Christmas
      song, he'll buy a telescopic rifle and practice on the neighbors.
      That would not be good.

      February 19 - March 20
      The Flying Moose

      Christmas's consumer aura affects a Moose in an overwhelming way.
      Her refrigerator is usually full of Christmas foods, often since
      March, partly because after buying all those presents, the remnants
      from Christmas are nearly the only food she can afford. You can give her
      survival rations from the army to get through the difficult times, a book
      of tickets to eat in a charity, or just use a rope to tie her to the
      wall and prevent her from shopping.

      -- Lady Aranluc



      Answer the questions and put the letters
      indicated into the spots shown. Read the word
      backwards and discover the name of Rincewind's
      (Note: all spellings are from the 1991 VGSF paper edition.)

      Example: Pratchett - 1st letter: ANSWER: Terry LETTER = T

      1. Red _______ Witch of the Night (1st letter)

      2. Spawn of the Pit (1st letter)

      3. Most beautiful woman in the Ephebian world (2nd letter)

      4. Explorer searching for Foutain of Youth (2nd letter)

      5. New Archancellor of Unseen University (1st letter)

      6. One of the oldest demon dukes (1st letter)

      7. King of the Demons (1st letter)

      8. The Feathered Boa (14th letter)

      __/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/_= Rincewind's ancestor
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8 /

      Puzzle solution will appear next month.



      1. Lady Ramkin (1st letter)
      SYBIL = S
      2. Bouncer at the Mended Drum (2nd letter)
      DETRITUS = E
      3. Grabber _______ - one of the most feared bar-room fighters in
      Ankh-Morpork (3rd letter)
      SIMMONS = M
      4. Remember what happened to ______ ? (5th letter)
      GASKIN = I
      5. He who gave the lawbook to Carrot (1st letter)
      VARNESHI = V
      6. The Patrician's secretary (1st letter)
      7. Jimkin _____ 's Whiskey Distillery (2nd letter)
      8. A very small Brother of the Elucidated Brethren of the
      Ebon Night (2nd letter)
      DUNNYKIN = U
      9. Zebbo _____, Thief Third Class (1st letter)
      MOOTY = M
      10. Nickname for C.M.O.T. Dibbler (5th letter)
      THROAT = A
      11. Owner of Harga's House of Ribs (1st letter)
      SHAM HARGA = S

      S_/E_/M_/I_/V_/L_/E_/U_/M_/A_/S_/ = The Captain of the Guards
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/ SAMUEL VIMES
      Puzzle solution will appear next month.

      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
      Copyright (c) 2002 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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