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644WOSSNAME -- August 2012 -- Horoscope and such

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  • WOSSNAME-owner@yahoogroups.com
    Aug 31, 2012
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      August 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 8, Post 3)

      01) EDITOR'S NOTE
      04) CLOSE



      If you missed the main issue this month, go back and check, because
      there's so much going on... but we seem to have got everything in
      there, so this month's last post is exceptionally short. Whew!

      – Annie Mac, Editor



      by Fernando Magnifico

      Hallo my friends, it is I, Fernando Magnifico, writing to you from a
      most charming riverboat on the Vieux (Masculine) River, on the way
      to Genua, for as you know Fernando has been called home to Brindisi
      to deal with the terrible family crisis about Aunt Maria's sauce.

      My friends, Fernando has the bad news, for not only is Fernando
      away, but the bella donna Lady Anaemia Asterisk is not available to
      write the horoscope either, for she accidentally trod on a Feegle.
      If only she had paid more attention to Fernando's most excellente
      advice last month!

      Fernando is not one to make the excuses, but you will have to excuse
      Fernando this month, there will be no horoscope as Fernando's
      luggage, including his astrological tables and star charts, has been
      accidentally sent to Tifertu in Howondaland. Fernando is the most
      upset, he is wearing the most hideous brown wool trousers borrowed
      from the riverboat's First Mate, a most energetic man with much to
      offer despite his poor taste in the clothing department. Fernando
      has to make do with just the cerise smoking jacket and the violet
      silk trousers for the special occasions, it is terribly sad.

      But do not be afeared my friends, for if Fernando can put on the
      brave face, so can you. Although Fernando cannot write the
      horoscopes this month, he will take the opportunity to answer the
      letters from his magnificent readers (although not as magnificent as
      Fernando, but then again, who is?).

      Fernando's first letter is from his very dear friend Lady Penelope
      Pantaloon, who writes:

      "Figgy you naughty boy, I missed you at daddy's birthday party last
      month, it was so dull without you, Reggie cornered me in the smoking
      room and *literally* bored me to death going on about his new ankh-
      stone mine for *days*, I was forced to dance with Uncle Bertie and
      his *hideous* hairpiece to escape, it was either that or chew my own
      leg off! So now you have to help me, I'm sure Reggie will be at
      Bongo and Daphne's engagement party next week and I need my big
      strong Figgy around because there isn't enough gin in the world to
      stop my head from exploding if I have to hear about the differences
      between Morporkian and Kythian ankh-stones one more time!

      Signed, Chompers"

      Fernando is the most very sorry that he will miss the party next
      week, but do not be afeared cara mia, for Fernando will not let you
      down even though he is the many thousands of miles away! Listen very
      carefully, for Fernando has the cunning plan! Fernando has the
      cousin who works in the jewellery shop in Dragon's Egg Mews at the
      Dragon's Landing redevelopment site, tell him that Fernando sent you
      and ask him for the ankh-stone necklace, one of the really long ones
      with hundreds of *tiny* stones in the complicated patterns. Wear the
      necklace to the party, and when you see Reggie tell him that you
      aren't certain that the necklace is genuine. He will be kept busy
      all night inspecting it for spircles. (And if he finds any, you be
      sure to tell Fernando and he will have the words with his cousin!)

      Fernando's next letter is from long time readers Geoffry and Gladys
      Ladlemarker, formerly of Cockleberry Lane:

      "Dear Mr Fernando,

      I don't suppose you remember me, I wrote you a letter nearly two
      years ago askin yer advice about me and the missus buyin the
      moveable home and travellin round the Disc for our retirement. Well
      we've come back to Ankh-Morpork, I don't mind sayin that it was lots
      of fun and it broadened our minds, especially some of them dancing
      gels in Istanzia, yer a man of the world Mr Fernando I'm sure you
      get what I'm gettin at, but its nice to be home where they speak
      proper, no offence Mr Fernando you speak Morporkian real good for a
      foreigner. The missus and me are real glad to have the plain honest
      food wot you can't get elsewhere again. Gladys, that's the missus,
      really missed her Spotted Dick, she don't mind sayin. And the
      drinks, Mr Fernando I'm not one of them milk toasts who can't hold
      their licker, but it's a real pleasure to be where a man can have a
      nice ale with a thick froth and where the healthy fruit drinks don't
      kick so hard. I couldn't see fer two days after we got to Lancre. Mr
      Fernando, we wanted to thank you for the good advice to get the
      moveable home and go travelling, and never-you-mind to that old
      biddy Mrs Analgesia."

      No offence taken, Fernando has worked many long hours to learn the
      Morporkian, the second best language on the Disc behind only
      Brindisian itself. Fernando has the good ear for talking the
      languages and is molto proud of his magnificent oral skills.

      Of course Fernando remembers your letter, for Fernando has the
      excellente memory for his dear fans. Fernando had no doubt that his
      advice would be magnificent, for he is the most careful horoscoper
      who does not make the mistakes like those others who we will not
      talk about, but it is always nice to get the letters from Fernando's
      devoted fans. Your letter reminds me of the time that Fernando was
      visiting his cousin Lino in Genua, and we went out to the little
      tavern where they sold these little green drinks with cherries in
      them. Fernando does not remember much about the tavern, but he
      remembers waking up in a tree wearing nothing but an enormous
      peacock tail. For three months afterwards, Fernando kept getting the
      most passionate thank you letters from people he had never heard of,
      and he still does not know what he did, or what was the fate of the
      sforzanda peacock.

      This letter is from Sharleene Scrot, writing all the way from

      "Gudday Fernando, it's Sharl here, how they hangin mate? I loves yer
      horoscopes, we gets them a bit late here in Fourecks, that's cos yer
      too far away and the clacks don't come this far yet but that's okay
      we've got the bush clacks which is nearly as good, otherwise known
      as the Upper Bunjiejummp Creek Ladies Social Club. So the horoscopes
      ain't that helpful, on account of the things you say have already
      happened, but we like readin them anyways, theys always come true.
      Like me boyfriend Shawn, he's a Squawker and he's right into the
      racing carts just like you said, honestly Fernando I reckon he
      spends more time polishin the knobs on that cart than he spends with
      me. And there was that time me girlfriend Shantelle got a pen stuck
      up her nose, just like you said. Hey listen mate, when are ya comin
      back to Fourecks, cos I reckon I could set you up with me girlfriend
      Shirl who scrubs up pretty good when she washes the sheep dip out of
      her hair, and me brother Shane reckons she bangs like a dunny door
      after a few beers, I have no idea what he's talking about, ha ha ha.
      Anyways, me sister Shaz and me was wondering who ya reckon will win
      the footy grand final this year, we reckons that with the help of
      you and the stars, winning the footy tipping competition will be a
      piece of pee, pardon me language."

      Fernando is not sure when he will next be visiting Fourecks, but he
      will be sure to let you know as soon as he does. Fernando can not
      make the promises, but he knows a man who owes him the small favour
      or two for the services rendered, and perhaps there is the way to
      get Fernando's horoscopes to Fourecks faster. Perhaps the homing
      albatross. But for now mia cara, Fernando cannot cast the horoscope
      for the footsball competition (not that it is the real footsball, it
      is the Fourecksian aerial croquet). But do not be afeared my
      friends, for Fernando is the expert sportsman in all forms of the
      footsball, except perhaps that one they play dressed in armour with
      the big helmets, and it is Fernando's considered opinion that the
      Watyergunnadoboutit Wolves are certainties for the final so long as
      their ruck man Dazza Drongo stays sober.



      A short sweet blogpost from Diane Duane, confirming the good news
      (although the Narrativia company didn't get mentioned by name here):

      Okay, folks: the word is out. The new Discworld series "The Watch"
      (AKA CSI:Ankh-Morpork) has been approved by Terry Pratchett and will
      go into production with BBC Worldwide. The project to film GOOD
      OMENS is also going forward. A "mood reel" of images evocative of
      the story was put together by the production company and was shown
      as part of the announcement. (This was commonly being referred to at
      the convention as "the trailer", though it wasn't a trailer as such:
      it is way too early for there to be a trailer in the conventional
      sense, as no script material has been written, and therefore the's
      no way for there to be genuine footage or any information about
      casting, etc. No release date was specified. The mood reel video
      said "COMING SOON", so your guess as to when is as good as
      anybody's.) Meanwhile, let joy be unrestrained!



      04) CLOSE

      And that's us just squeaking in under the end-of-month deadline.
      Take care, enjoy the end days of summer (or in Fourecks, the back
      end of winter), and we'll see you in September!

      – Annie Mac


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2012 by Klatchian Foreign Legion