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624WOSSNAME -- December 2011 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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  • WOSSNAME-owner@yahoogroups.com
    Dec 31, 2011
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      WOSSNAME
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      December 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 12, Post 2)
      *****************************************************************

      1) A NOTE FROM YOUR EDITOR
      2) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE FOR DECEMBER
      3) CLOSE

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      1) EDITOR'S NOTE

      Just in passing, here be a sweet feature on io9.com – "ten
      weirdest scientific theories" includes the Discworld and its
      universe:

      "It turns out that, compared to trying to do biology at a distance,
      the universe we inhabit is relatively easy to understand. You can
      spot most of the relevant things about a planet by watching it
      orbit, doing spectroscopic analysis of the light coming off of it,
      and looking at its surroundings. Not so with a space turtle..."

      http://tinyurl.com/7rbmfqc

      ...and at the eleventh hour (and fifty-ninth minute), Fernando has
      Clacksed us the last horoscope of the year. Enjoy!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      2) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno and the many Happy Hogswatch to you all! My friends, this
      month the Lady Asterisk is unavailable as she is lost in Empirical
      Crescent, but do not be afeared, for I, Fernando Magnifico, will
      take care of all your astrological needs this month!

      My friends, Hogswatch is the season for buying the molto expensive
      gifts you can't afford for the peoples you don't like. Choosing the
      right gift is the very hard job, but not if you listen to Fernando's
      advice. Many astrologers say that when purchasing the gifts for
      others, you must consider the sign of the receiver, but they neglect
      the sign of the giver! Do not make this mistake, my friends, for
      nothing will lead to making the bad choices for Hogswatch gifts
      faster than the mismatch between the gift and the giver. (Except
      perhaps Uncle Rafael's grappa, trust Fernando on this.) Of course,
      Fernando is the greatest gift of all, but he cannot be given to all
      (not all at once, at least), so this month, listen very carefully as
      Fernando tells you which gifts are the next best for you to give,
      and which should be avoided.

      Ciao bella!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar – 20 Apr

      Gifts to give: Drinks
      Gifts to avoid: Religious icons and relics

      My friends, Fernando is usually the first to recommend that you stay
      in the Gods' "good books", as they say, but this is one time to
      avoid giving the religious icons. Hogswatch is a tricky time for the
      Gods, with the demarcation disputes and the higher than normal
      levels of the piety and the hypocrisy, and the stars warn that this
      year it is best to avoid the religious gifts. It is never pleasant
      to be caught as the innocent party between two gods when they argue
      over who has the biggest icon. Trust Fernando on this, for he knows
      that this is so. Instead, the stars recommend that your most
      felicitous gift to give is the drinks. For the childrens and tea-
      totallers, a bottle of raspberry cordial or wahoonie nectar makes
      the fine gift. For the vino drinkers, you will want to avoid the
      Quirmian rubbish and stick to the good vino from Brindisi. And for
      those who prefer their drinks a little stronger, Fernando recommends
      Old Mother MacCredie's Best Sherry for the ladies and Jimkin
      Bearhugger's The MacAbre for the gentlemens.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr – 21 May

      Gifts to give: Fashionable clothing
      Gifts to avoid: Unfashionable clothing

      Sandies, the stars tell Fernando that for you, the best gifts to
      give are the fashionable clothings. But beware, for the
      unfashionable clothing is especially infelicitous for you, so just
      say "No!" to the beige cardigans, the boring tweed jackets, or the
      sensible shoes. How fortunate you are that Fernando is here to guide
      you, for nobody has the sense of fashionable clothings like
      Fernando! My friends, you cannot go wrong with the leopard skin
      print, for it goes with everything. It is especially good on the
      silk trousers. Another molto bene choice is the cerise velour
      shirts, or the chiffon poet blouses. Fernando suggests lavender this
      year. For the ladies, Fernando knows that bustles are back this
      year, they are especially suited to the tight dress. Fernando
      recommends the satin hobble skirt by Crispin Deare in the crimson or
      vermilion. An excellente accessory to wear is the jabot, Fernando
      suggests eau-de-nil to go with the crimson. My friends, listen to
      Fernando's fashion tips and the receiver of your gifts will be
      speechless!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted  22 May – 21 Jun

      Gifts to give: Collectibles
      Gifts to avoid: Poo

      Hernians, the stars tell Fernando that this is the good time for you
      to introduce others to the joys of the collecting. The most popular
      collectibles this season are the stamps, especially the stamps from
      foreign parts, or showing foreign parts, which Fernando finds ironic
      since most foreign stamps are actually made here in Ankh-Morpork.
      Let Fernando give you the excellente advice that other good choices
      are pins, pressed lizards, porcelain dolls, foreign coins of very
      little value, domestic coins of great value, and ex-spouses. When
      Fernando was a boy, he collected the fig leaves, and for many years
      would love to show off his collection to anyone who would look. But
      Hernians, let Fernando tell you that no matter how complete your
      collection of animal poo is, very few people will consider it
      appropriate as a Hogswatch gift.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun – 22 Jul

      Gifts to give: Gooseberry Dis-organisers, golems, iconographs
      Gifts to avoid: Magic brooms, Wow-wow sauce

      For those who can afford the extremely high prices, a non-free golem
      is an impressive and useful gift. For those who don't wish to draw
      the attention of Adora Belle Dearheart, a safer gift may be the
      latest Gooseberry, or perhaps one of those new iconographs with the
      16 micro-imp resolution and the full palate of 256 colours.
      Staffies, listen carefully to Fernando: the magic broom is the
      fashionable gift, but they are best avoided. It may seem like the
      excellente idea now, but wait until it has swept all your furniture
      out into the street. Trust Fernando on this, for he knows that it is
      so. Wow-wow sauce is another gift best avoided, especially in the
      presence of open flames, sparks, or anything containing sulphur.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul – 23 Aug

      Gifts to give: Fine art
      Gifts to avoid: Gazundas

      Bilians are not as well-known for their artistic side as Umbragians,
      but let Fernando tell you that many Bilians do have the excellente
      art sense. So what better Hogswatch gift than the fine art? My
      friends, the stars say that you should give your artistic spirit the
      free rein, and the best gifts to give are the paintings, sculptures,
      or the modern art made from old tin cans and pieces of embalmed
      carrot. The stars also say that the gifts to avoid are gazundas, no
      matter how practical they are (for everyone needs the gazunda).
      However, there is the exception to this rule: copies of Daniellarina
      Pouter's famous sculpture "Water", a gazunda balanced on a
      broomstick.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug – 23 Sept

      Gifts to give: Food
      Gifts to avoid: Avec

      Nosers, the stars tell Fernando that the most felicitous gift for
      you to give this year is food. This is the very pleasing to
      Fernando, for it reminds him of back home in Brindisi, where the
      gifts of food are always the big part of Hogswatch. Whenever
      Fernando visits his Uncle Enzo, he is sure to be given an enormous
      salami. My friends, Fernando understands the Morporkian tastes may
      need the persuasion before trying the exotic Brindisi sausage, but
      do not be afeared, for you can always give the traditional
      Morporkian foods like Spotted Dick, Knuckle Sandwich, hard cheese,
      soft cheese, tasty cheese, jams, preserves or sweeties.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept – 23 Oct

      Gifts to give: Socks, hats, money
      Gifts to avoid: Neck ties

      Boring'uns, the stars tell Fernando that the safest gifts for you to
      give are the classics: socks (possibly with a half-brick inside,
      although Fernando does not understand why the stars say this), hats,
      and when in doubt, gifts of money are simple, unimaginative and
      plain (much like Boring'uns themselves) but always appreciated. But
      beware of the neck ties and cummerbunds, such clothing is far too
      dangerous for Boring'uns. A thin piece of cloth you tie around your
      throat? May the Gods protect you from even *handling* such a thing!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct – 22 Nov

      Gifts to give: Opera subscription, tickets to the music hall
      Gifts to avoid: Membership to the Ankh-Morpork Folk Dance and Song
      Society

      Andies the stars tell Fernando that your best gift is the gift of
      music. Fernando suggests that the yearly subscription to the Opera
      House is the best gift for you to give. If you are on the budget,
      and Fernando understands that in these economics times many people
      are, the tickets for "the Gods" are extremely cheap. Fernando is the
      great patron of the opera, but he understands that not everyone
      appreciates such sensitive and refined opera as "Grande Palle di
      Fuoco" by Gino Lee Luisi, or "Nie Werde Dich Aufgeben" by Vik von
      Astlieb. Do not judge them, my friends, for it takes all sorts, and
      were would we be if we all liked the same things? Instead, Fernando
      recommends the tickets to the music hall, where people can enjoy the
      latest japes and pratfalls by Robbie Banker and Dobby Corbie, or
      listen to Nellie Longtree sing "My Private Parts Are Public But My
      Heart Belongs To You". What a treat for music lovers.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov – 21 Dec

      Gifts to give: Subscriptions to magazines
      Gifts to avoid: Pets

      Giving pets should be avoided, even the cats and dogs but especially
      the dragons. Remember, my friends, a dragon is not just for
      Hogswatch. You think they are cute when they are little, but wait
      until they eat your kettle and set fire to the litter box. Instead,
      the stars suggest that magazine subscriptions are the best gifts for
      Spooners to give. There is a magazine for everyone: "Girls, Giggles
      and Garters" for your nephew Billy, "Bows and Ammo" for your intense
      cousin Bob who wears chain mail all the time, "The Lady's Home
      Companion" for Aunt Tilly, and "Aisle Be Back" for your sister Saffy
      who has been planning her dream wedding for 7a years now and still
      doesn't have a boyfriend. Just be careful and don't get the
      subscriptions mixed up, although many an Aunt Tilly might not object
      to a subscription to GG&G.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec – 20 Jan

      Gifts to give: Toys, games, books
      Gifts to avoid: Gag gifts

      My friends, you don't want to be like Fernando's Auntie Rosa-Marie,
      who thinks the funniest thing in the world is to carefully wrap up a
      dirty old dish-rag in a fine presentation box and give it as a gift.
      And she is not even a Hokian! Trust Fernando, nobody appreciates the
      gag gifts, except perhaps the other Hokians. Instead, you can
      indulge your lighter side by giving toys and games and books,
      especially books of amusing anecdotes, jokes, and engravings of
      humorous vegetables. Remember, my friends, toys are not just for the
      childrens. Fernando has the most excellente scale model of Lord
      Vetinari's scorpion pit, complete with the fully poseable figures of
      mimes.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Big Chicken 21 Jan – 18 Feb

      Gifts to give: Intimate undergarments, personal services, flowers
      Gifts to avoid: Intimate undergarments, personal services

      Squawkers, your gifts to give are of the more personal nature, and
      so require care when giving. The intimate undergarments are the
      excellente gift, but take care who you give them to. Trust Fernando
      on this, it is rarely a good idea to give your grandmama the special
      silk underwear with the extra lace trim. Not even if it is a
      respectable widow's black. If you have the friend or relative who is
      the socially maladjusted and finds it hard to meet people, they
      might appreciate a gift card from the Seamstresses Guild. If they
      are the cleaner and less objectionable sort of wallflower, you may
      even prefer to skip the Seamstresses and help them out yourself. But
      beware, my friends, for such things may often give the wrong
      impression and lead to the unfulfilled expectations later on. It
      might be safer to just stick to flowers.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage  19 Feb – 20 Mar

      Gifts to give: Writing implements, jewellery
      Gifts to avoid: Alcoholic beverages, rubbing alcohol or liniment

      Umbragians, the stars tell Fernando that writing implements are a
      particularly good gift this year. Whether you wish to impress the
      receiver with your generosity with an expensive, fine ink pen from
      Teemer & Spools, or impress them with your thriftiness with a slate
      and chalk from the shonky shop, you can't go wrong with writing
      implements. (Unless you get it stuck up your nose, like Fernando's
      cousin Mario did when he was the small boy.) Jewellery is another
      good gift, listen to Fernando who has the most excellente advice,
      you cannot go wrong with the gold medallions on a chain for the
      mens, and the six-inch gold hoop earrings for the womens. When in
      doubt, Fernando has the one word to remember: ankh stones. Alcohol,
      on the other hand, is best avoided as a gift: the Lesser Umbrage is
      the sign of almost all Feegles, and the stars say that this year the
      risk of attracting Feegles is too high for comfort.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      3) CLOSE

      And that's it for 2011. A very happy new year to all!

      – Annie Mac

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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      Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion