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293WOSSNAME -- JULY 2006 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    Jul 31, 2006
      WOSSNAME -- JULY 2006 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)


      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk


      This month we examine the medium of dance. As the heavens influence
      all endeavours, especially arts and entertainment, it's important to
      choose dances that best match the qualities of your Signs. Dance can
      express the nuances of the Inner Person. Dances are also great
      places for fellows to pick up a bird (most notably at harvest
      festivals and agricultural shows), and are an excellent way to get
      exercise without all that horribly unattractive sports clothing.
      There are many varieties of dances, from the formal Minuet to the
      very much not-formal Highland Fling. So put on your dancing shoes
      and get down to the rhythm...

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your dance is the Minuet. This is the ancient dance of Ankh-Morpork
      nobs, but revived interest in the Minuet these days means it can be
      danced by non-nobs and even by Nobby Nobbs. The Minuet is slow,
      formal and stately, even (one could say) nation-stately, and danced
      to the precise strains of a string quartet or chamber orchestra; and
      believe me, the sound of an entire chamber orchestra straining is
      an experience not to be missed. A faster, shorter variant is the
      famous Minute Minuet. Modern dwarf dancers have also pioneered the
      Minute Minute Minuet, danced during mining breaks and beard-
      braiding competitions. Beware: minuscule Minuetting miners, strained

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your dance is the Waltz. From Bonk in Uberwald comes the whirling,
      enchanting Waltz, a fairytale spectacle of brightly-costumed
      dancers circling their way around a vast expanse of marble floor
      while the local vampires choose their drinks of the evening. In more
      sparsely undead-populated areas, the Waltz has become popular (and
      the chances of making it home afterwards with your jugular intact
      make it a favourite). The Waltz is also favoured by trolls because
      dancers only need to be able to count to three, although the
      trollish name for this dance translates as Avalanche. Best of all,
      any passing grandmother can teach you to Waltz like a pro. Sadly,
      you'll also have to dance with passing grandmothers; nothing
      romantic about this one-two-three. Beware: partners who persistently
      turn Turnwise; passing grannies with grips of steel; daring young
      men on flying trapezes.

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Your dance is the Can-can. And you certainly can Can-can, unless you
      can't-can't. If your Can-can is more of a bag-bag, hie yourself to
      the Ankh Coordinated School of Modern Dance, where Madame Passa
      Deux and her team of willing left-foot-tamers will teach you to high
      kick and shake your booty (Hernians employed by the Royal Mint can
      learn to shake their moneymakers). If you still can't Can-can,
      another good dance for persons under this Sign is the Two-step.
      However, if anyone offers to teach you the Tezuman Two-step, run
      away quickly and don't drink the water. Beware: flying footwear,
      unfashionable knickers, kicking yourself in the eye.

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your dance is the Polka. This charming, rustic dance from Borogravia
      and parts of Lower Uberwald is traditionally accompanied by a tuba
      band (Betty Burkha's Xtreme Polka Panzers, for preference; book well
      in advance). The Polka requires much enthusiasm and little grace,
      and is therefore well suited to such Staffies as senior wizards,
      trolls and strapping young women of the type built to carry a beer
      keg under one arm and a full-grown pig under the other; it does,
      however, require plenty of space and an extra-sturdy floor, and
      where possible, padded walls to compensate for the effects of
      large dancers with plenty of momentum and indifferent aim. Beware:
      ankle injuries; Tuba Deafness Syndrome; being crushed by a pig.

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your dance is the Limbo. How low can *you* go? The Limbo, national
      dance of the BeTrobi Islands, is perfect for Bilians as it requires
      dancers to be blind drunk and dressed in nausea-inducing fluorescent
      flower-print clothing, and - best of all - making total idiots of
      themselves on the dance floor (the "on" is usually literal). To
      perform the Limbo one must be well and truly loose-limbed, and the
      best way to achieve this is to be well and truly oiled. Igor
      insurance is recommended, as the morning after often finds Limbo
      dancers discovering that yes, their spines *can* bend in those
      directions...once. Beware: slipped discs (not Discs), unintentional
      Kama Sutra positions.

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Your dance is the Quadrille. Originally a Zlobenian military parade
      manoeuvre, the Quadrille was performed by four pairs of mounted
      cavalrymen until an enterprising dance master saw its ballroom
      potential, dispensed with both the horses and the traditional ending
      flourish (which culminated in sword thrusts at opposing pairs) and
      made it into a showy, exuberant four-couple piece. One of the
      showiest and most intricate of dances, the Quadrille will thrill
      with its skill. Unfortunately, suitable clothing for the Quadrille
      comes with a killer bill, so it's best left to dedicated or wealthy
      performers. Or Zlobenian cavalrymen. Beware: dressmakers, debt
      collectors, mounted swordsmen.

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your dance is the Sword or Sabre Dance. Amazing! - the Stars suggest
      the most exciting of dances for this most boring of Signs. The Sword
      Dance comes originally from the northern plains of Agatea, where
      fierce Hongol tribesmen invented it as a means of determining the
      bravest warrior to become chieftain; in modern times, it's most
      often danced by inebriated male members of wedding parties and
      students who will use any excuse to avoid studying for exams. Simply
      put, two "competing" dancers bounce and kick from a squatting
      position while a circle of onlookers furiously wave swords in front
      of the dancers at ankle height. Did I mention that this all takes
      place to the accompaniment of a very fast tune? Did I mention that
      the swords are unsheathed? Did you really have to run right through
      that freshly mended stone wall? Beware: being born under the Small
      Boring Group of Faint Stars and thus having to do the Sword Dance.

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your dance is the Genuan Tango. For Andies, there is the fire and
      sensuality of the Genuan Tango, a dance so steamy it's been banned
      in sixteen countries and occupies an entire volume of the Nugganite
      Bumper Book of No-nos. It takes two to Tango, and two tangoing
      almost always leads to other things that, erm, take two; you'd be
      amazed at what a Tango can take two to, too...though do bear in mind
      that to Tango in a tutu is too-too. The Disc's acknowledged best
      Tango teacher is the itinerant Genuan expatriate, Django of Durango.
      Be warned, though - the reason he's expatriate is the ever-growing
      posse of enraged husbands and fathers following the path of his
      classes. Tango may "take no prisoners", but it certainly makes
      armed enemies. Beware: see caveats for Rather Large Gazunda.

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your dance is the Sir Roger de Quirm. An energetic multi-partner
      dance much favoured at harvest festivals, the Sir Roger de Quirm,
      also known as the Sto Helit Reel, has a long and illustrious history
      - especially amongst brassica farmers. The "Roger" is a very
      physical dance that includes swinging one's partner, tossing one's
      partner over one's head, rolling one's partner in the hay (the dance
      area is traditionally bordered by hay bales), and the "doe-see-
      dough", a manoeuvre in which the left-elbow dancers attempt to mimic
      the panicked flight of a deer faced with the prospect of becoming
      venison pie. Great fun for all the family, especially the rolling in
      the hay. Beware: fiddles designed by B.S. Johnson.

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your dance is the Lancre Morris. The Morris is a fine old dance, one
      danced throughout all of time and space. Don't be put off by those
      bells and hankies - this is the noblest dance of all, with its long-
      established place in the turning of the seasons. Far too noble, in
      fact, for the sort of posh folk who dance the Minuet; the Morris
      Dance is the dance of blacksmiths, honest farmers and all other good
      upstanding salt-of-the-earth people (and of Nobby, but we don't talk
      about that). Spare a thought also for the Dark Morris (we don't talk
      about that either). Hokian cat-lovers might wish to investigate the
      Maurice Dance, and those of Leshpic ancestry will take to the Octo-
      Cokey like a squid to water: you put your left foot in, you put your
      left foot out, you put your second left foot in, you put your...
      Beware: elves, stick-and-bucket-wielding dancers, Nobby.

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your dance is the Paso Doble Entendre. This lively and amorous dance,
      originally a part of the festivities surrounding the Thing with the
      Bulls, was introduced around the Disc by Nanny Ogg, who's certainly
      been "around the Disc" a good few times. Second only to the Tango as
      an inducement to population growth, the Paso Doble Entendre has been
      responsible for starting riots from Genua to Copperhead. This dance
      is also known as the Flamenco, from the Latatian flamencave ("Hey,
      you! Your pants are on fire!"); in Brindisi, it is danced to the
      accompaniment of coconuts, with a rose in the teeth. Of the dancers,
      not the coconuts. Who ever saw a coconut with teeth? Beware: frilly
      dress malfunctions, baby showers.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your dance is the Highland Fling. The Highland Fling is the
      traditional tribal dance of the Nac Mac Feegles. It is performed at
      weddings, funerals, Keldinations, ceilidhs and pub brawls, and the
      wearing of kilts is obligatory (although the application of woad is
      optional; swearing is also optional but encouraged). This dance most
      resembles the actions of someone who has trodden on an ants' nest
      or blundered into a beehive - i.e. grimly hyperactive with a lot of
      shouting - and takes its name from the random violent flinging of
      the arms. Highland Fling champions are easily identified by their
      lack of front teeth. The Hublandish version of the Fling involves
      imbibing poisonous quantities of mead whilst dancing, and thus is
      commonly known as the Liverdance. Beware: small, angry blue
      men who don't like Sassenachs stealing their cultural activities.
      Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...

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