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261WOSSNAME NOVEMBER 2005 - Part 2 of 3

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  • Not A Granny
    Nov 30, 2005
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      WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2005 -- PART 2 OF 3
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      ==== Part 2

      4) WHERE'S MY COW? TERRY REVEALS ALL

      On response to some questions from a child worried about the
      missing cow, Terry has kindly supplied the following answers.

      >1. Is the cow lost?

      'Not any more. She was found wandering and brought in to the
      Watch House by Corporal Nobbs.'

      >2. Is the cow OK?

      'Oh, yes. Some watchmen have fed her chips from the canteen,
      but she seems fine.'

      >3. Is anyone looking after the cow if it is lost?
      (particularly worried about this one)

      'Corporal Nobbs is very attached to the cow, and so are the
      other watchmen. They've clubbed together to buy her hay.'

      >4. Where is the cow now?

      'In the Watch stables, where she is spoiled rotten by the
      coppers. She gets milked twice a day and the coppers hope
      no-one ever claims her because the milk is so nice.'

      >5. And if at all possible, what is the cow's name? (for it
      looks pretty on the picture)

      'Mostly they call her Cow, because coppers aren't particularly
      good when it comes to names, but Corporal Nobbs calls her
      Maisie, after his old mum.'

      5) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      From far Agatea comes the noble art of Haiku (not to be confused with
      the lesser Bhangbhangducan arts of Sezyu and Fuku); this month, I've
      a fancy to cast your Horoscopes in Haiku form. Since this form of
      arcane Eastern art is bloody difficu-, um, rather delicate and
      precise, you may find that a certain soupcon of my usual "trademark
      humour" is missing (no, Mister Throat, I'm not going to explain what
      a "trademark" is. Yes, my ancient mother quite enjoyed those almost
      unused false teeth you sold her last week at an even larger than
      usual discount price. No, I'm still not going to explain to you about
      "trademarks"). As always, I exhort you to look to your Signs and take
      my advice without a grain of salt, unless you're a Sea Troll, in
      which case you can't take *anything* without a grain of salt. Be
      well.

      Writing horoscopes
      Is by far more difficult
      Than you'd think. - what? *What?*


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Adamant Hedgehog
      Sign of cops (and Mrs Cake)
      Protects feet and nails

      This month, buy new shoes
      Invest well in manicures
      Sacrifice to Fate

      Tend your offspring well
      Share with them great lit'rature
      "That is not my cow!"


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Tulips in the sky
      Gahoolie, the astral Vase
      Smiles on those confused

      This month, seek new goals
      Try postvital politics
      Join the Fresh Start Club

      Zombies need hugs too!
      Don't avoid them, even if
      Bits keep dropping off


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Gentle hunted Herne
      God of small and helpless lives
      Favours nervous types

      This month, guard your skin
      From Fourecks's brutal sun
      (Bring a beer along)

      Caution is your friend
      Sunstroke is your enemy
      Practise "Slip, Slap, Slop"


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Wizard's Staff and Knob:
      Fans of aristology
      Know this Star Sign well

      This month, take light meals
      And eschew things over-rich
      (That's *eschew*, not "chew")

      Second breakfast's out
      Likewise for elevenses
      Soon, you'll see your feet


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Morning-after woes?
      Bilious, God of Hangovers
      Groans in sympathy

      This month, try "Lite" beers
      Sup not of reannuals
      That would end in tears

      Recent research shows
      Unfermented grape juice is
      Good for healthy hearts!


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Lacking artifice?
      Mubbo the Hyena can
      Inspire subtleness

      This month, avoid swords
      Unless wielded by yourself
      In berserker rage

      Empires beg to fall
      Trodden 'neath your sandalled feet
      Soft the hero sleeps

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Terrified of risks?
      Boring Groups of (Small) Faint Stars
      Shines upon your fears

      This month, forswear spells
      Necrotelicomnicons
      And geography

      Seek a quiet life
      Magical researches are
      Best left to the brave


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Starry, starry night
      Born under Androgyna?
      Casual's the word

      This month, brook no fools
      Beware Dibblers bearing gifts
      (Also, Mrs Cake)

      Thrift's for faint of heart
      Bargain hunters know no fear
      Shop until you drop


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Travel free and far
      Great T'Phon's Foot will not step
      Hard on Footys born

      This month, use your head
      Swot arcane philosophies
      Or invent the Gonne

      Thoughts cannot be caged
      Even when the thinker's chained
      Head-down o'er a pit


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Magickal adepts
      Hoki, Jokester set on high
      Brings you eldritch luck

      This month, cast dark runes
      Study well the entrails' turns
      Dead men do tell tales

      Shadows, eerie winds
      "When shall we three meet again?"
      Don't forget the scones


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Hark to Love's sweet song!
      Rather Large Gazunda holds
      Sway o'er lovers' lips

      This month, make love well
      Whether you be Seamstress fair
      Or besotted Dwarf

      Carrots, oysters, wine
      Don't forget the Special Sauce
      Thus are legends born


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Clever-fingered thieves
      Lesser Umbrage favours you
      With keen eyes and hands

      This month, lose yourself
      In the practice of your Arts
      Heed nae Laird nor Quin

      Steal a passing ship
      Or a coo, if you be bold
      Blow, ye mousepipes, blow!

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Lady Asterisk. If she's in a good mood,
      she may even answer them.

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      6) "GOING POSTAL" GETS RAVE REVIEW IN AUSTRALIA

      A new benchmark has been set as Unseen Theatre, Adelaide's resident
      Terry Pratchett experts, present the best Discworld play this side of
      A'Tuin.
      The Australian premiere of Stephen Brigg's stage adaptation of Terry
      Pratchett's novel is funnier than most and superbly realised by director
      Pamela Munt. No previous Discworld play in this city has come close.

      The Discworld is a fantasy land riding on the back of space-faring turtle
      A'Tuin. In this world where anything is possible, our own society is often
      reflected through the eyes of misfit characters and sentient creatures.
      Steve Parker is Albert Spangler, AKA Moist Von Lipwig, a conman saved
      from hanging to restore the Discworld's collapsed postal service which
      can't compete against faster, modern means of communication.

      Parker is once again a strong lead, and is ably supported by some very
      fine performances including Kahlia Muller as businesswoman Adora,
      Philip Lineton as Lord Vetinari and Tom Fitzsimons as Junior Postmaster
      Groat.Double-act Alice and Merri Brown are outstanding in an all-too-short
      cameo as Mad Al and Sane Alex.

      Some less experienced cast members need to watch their diction, but
      with energy levels so high, only practice will teach them better control.
      Munt's direction is tight, utilising the impressive split set to its
      full potential.
      Song selections are spot on and any blackouts last no more than a few
      seconds or less.

      Funny, fast and unbeatably fabulous. See it before the season ends
      on 10 December.

      -- Rod Lewis
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      End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3
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      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...