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255WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2005 -- PART 2 OF 4

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    Sep 30, 2005
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      WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2005 -- PART 2 OF 4
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      ==== Part 2

      3) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
      This month, in a timely link to Roundworld, we look at the dangers of
      extreme weather and other natural disasters: which Signs are prone to
      which, and what you can do to avoid them or at least survive them. On
      a world as magickal as the Disc, with its whimsical gods, "natural"
      disasters occur with considerable regularity; in fact, one must be
      aware that floods, fires and other fell happenings are as often the
      fault of gods and other magic-wielders as of jograffy and atmospheric
      disturbances - the denizens of Cori Celesti tend to loose stray
      thunderbolts the way that, say, we mortals belch at embarrassing
      times. Some of the more unusual Discly disasters include Hurricane
      Kev, which struck and destroyed two houses in Ynci Street in Lancre
      town (the only inland hurricane ever recorded, it is widely assumed
      to be the result of a feud within a witch-blessed family); Tropical
      Storm Dibbler, which once threatened low-lying Genua but failed to do
      major damage due to cutting its own throat at the last minute; and of
      course the infamous localised earthquake in Dagon Street, Ankh-
      Morpork, that occurred immediately following the opening of Mr Hong's
      Three Jolly Luck takeaway fish bar. So remember, keep your wellies
      close at hand, your powder dry (especially if you're a Seamstress;
      nothing like a good disaster to boost business) and study your
      horoscope very carefully this month. It could happen to you!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Disaster to beware: tornado

      This month is tornado season on the Sto Plains. Remember that one
      just last year, when the Sto Lat palace privy block got sucked up and
      landed smack on the Floral Clock in Quirm? Some might say it was a
      good thing, getting a full delivery of high-quality fertiliser in one
      shall we say go, but the Dowager Duchess was *not* amused. And
      tornadoes are rarely that thoughtful! The best place to go when you
      see a tornado heading your way is down into the nearest vegetable
      cellar. It may take months to get the smell of brassica out of your
      nostrils, but at least your nose will still be connected to your
      face. Suggested sacrifices to: Flatulus, God of the Winds, and
      Zephyrus, God of Slight Breezes.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Disaster to beware: flood

      Old legends tell the tale of a great Flood that once covered the
      entire Disc, but it's worth noting that these legends all originate
      in Llamedos where observing rainwater is a national pastime.
      Naetheless, there are certainly tidal marks in the lower Ramtops, and
      the plains of Agatea are noted for their floods in the springtime.
      And if you live near the mouth of the Vieux River, you know that
      there's nothing like a bevy of levees for when the floods get heavy.
      If you hear reports of likely flooding, be sure to get out your Sonky
      Big Buoy Inflatable and your Ramtops oilskins and check that you have
      plenty of bargepoles. Suggested sacrifices to: Ka-Nuti, the Agatean
      Sea Goddess; Offler, who has a thing for rivers; Koryolus, God of
      Drains.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Disaster to beware: meteor strike

      As Great A'Tuin swims through the vastness of Space, S/he often
      encounters swarms of heavenly bodies (like those encountered by
      roving iconographers at clickpit premieres, only less friendly and
      accommodating...or maybe not). On occasion, some of these are large
      enough to make it through the Discly atmosphere, where they appear as
      "shooting stars", and a few of *these* remain large enough to land as
      starstones (often, strangely, in the centre of crop circles or secret
      desert military bases). But once in a very long while, a truly large
      heavenly body will cross A'Tuin's migratory path and land with enough
      force and mass to flatten mountains. These can generally be seen
      coming, if you know where to look. If you spot a "star" getting
      larger and brighter every night, it's a good time to take a holiday
      on the other side of the continent. Especially if that "star" turns
      out to be made of space-frozen Elephant poo! Suggested sacrifices to:
      What, the Sky Goddess; Herne.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Disaster to beware: hurricane

      The best - as in most spectacularly violent - hurricanes tend to make
      landfall around Chirm on the Circle Sea coast, but as no-one of
      interest lives there these tend to go unremarked except by Sea Trolls
      on their holidays. The second-best hurricanes aim for Genua and
      sometimes Brindisi. Hurricanes have been known in Ankh-Morpork (as a
      seasonal bonus for the Builders' Guild), but A-M tends to be immune
      to the threat of storm surge: after all, what tide could possibly
      fight its way up through the nearly-solid wat-, erm, colloid of the
      River Ankh? If your area gets a hurricane warning, put up your storm
      shutters and don't forget to bring the goats into the kitchen. In
      case of severe hurricane warnings, you may want to take some time off
      to visit Ankh-Morpork. Or Lancre, as long as you avoid Ynci Street.
      Suggested sacrifices to: Blind Io; Alohura, Goddess of Lightning.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Disaster to beware: volcanic eruption

      There are, historically, two sorts of volcanoes on the Disc: the kind
      that spouts red-hot lava, ash and poisonous smoke, for instance Mount
      Edina that exploded and buried the Ephebian town of Rumpeii-Pumpeii,
      and the kind that spouts raw treacle, such as the Big Rock Candy
      Fountain in upper Uberwald. While the fiery sort is a must to avoid,
      beware the treacle volcano - being instantly burnt to a crisp is
      preferable to being boiled alive in a coating of hot toffee! Nature's
      early warning signal for volcanoes is a sudden stampede of small
      animals, led by Herne the Hunted, though this is far from foolproof:
      they could be running from Nanny Ogg's bathtime, which in itself is a
      sort of natural disaster. If you see smoke and steam beginning to
      rise from a nearby mountaintop, run away at all speed, but bring a
      saucepan in case treacle erupts. Suggested sacrifices to: Cubal, God
      of Fire; Cariees, God of Dentistry and Boiled Sweets.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Disaster to beware: tidal wave

      We all like to go swimming in the ocean, but we prefer to leave our
      houses when we do it. When a tidal wave comes along, one doesn't get
      much choice in the matter! The High Energy Magic department at UU
      tells us that tidal waves are caused by underwater earthquakes, but
      Agatean traditionalists believe they're caused by Su-Nami, the
      Goddess of Vengeful Oceanic Activity, having a bad hair day, and
      XXXXians believe they are manifestations of Bhondai the Surf God that
      occur when beer offerings grow scarce. As tidal waves tend to appear
      with no warning, the best way to avoid them is to live well above sea
      level, or to join the UU Undersea Thaumic Investigations Unit (open
      only to student wizards, but there's always room for a tea lady or
      pizza chef). Alternatively, live by the sea but practice running
      really, really fast. Suggested sacrifices to: Su-Nami; Phucdis,
      Bhangbhangducian God of Tides; Bhondai.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Disaster to beware: bush fire

      Where there's smoke there's fire (or a Yen Buddhist temple full of
      expensive incense, or a treacle volcano ready to blow...), and no-one
      knows this better than your typical Fourecksian bush ranger. Bush
      fires are the bane of XXXXian life - they destroy lives and property
      and play merry hells with the beer harvest! If you live in bush fire
      country during the dry season (which in Terror Incognita runs from
      Offle to Ick, with occasional breaks for the June-Grune rainy season)
      you can take the following precautions: cut down gum trees near your
      house; clear the dead possums out of your yard (they burn really
      well); dig a seriously big swimming pool. If all else fails, try
      not sacrificing to Bhondai, in the hopes that he will send a tidal
      wave. Suggested sacrifices to: Skelde, Spirit of the Smoke; Cubal.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Disaster to beware: rain of frogs

      Not to be confused with the Reign of Frog (as some historians term
      the Lady Lilith period in Genua) or the Rain of Fog (a seasonal event
      in Llamedos, distinguishable from normal Llamedosan weather by its
      extreme intensity and air you can bathe in). Rains of frogs are often
      looked upon as Blind Io's little comic relief, but in reality there's
      nothing funny about a veritable downpour of the little cold-blooded
      buggers - they're wet and messy and can do quite a lot of damage when
      falling from a great height, and we won't even mention they way the
      run-off blocks up the privies! And rains of frogs can cause tragedy,
      as was seen during the Great Batrachian Deluge in Brindisi when
      dozens of chefs died of exhaustion after trying to fillet and cook
      endless frogdrifts. Safety tips: carry a willow-reinforced umbrella
      and at least two well-seasoned frying pans. Suggested sacrifices to:
      the Lady, on general principles; Herne the Hunted; Hoki (that way you
      appease two Nature Gods for the price of one).

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Disaster to beware: avalanche

      Mountains are beautiful, but they do have this distressing tendency
      to explode or collapse on one's head. If you're planning a skiing
      holiday in the Ramtops or any other popular mountain ranges, be sure
      to stay away during avalanche season, which is usually during early
      Spring; the whole point of skiing is to go downhill really fast, but
      avalanches have perfected that art beyond the best efforts of men and
      Yetis. Remember that in any race between you and a mountain, the
      mountain is bound to win! If you must risk this, at least take along
      a good teleportation spell - a good, *quickly-read* teleportation
      spell - or a troop of Troll bodyguards trained to form protective
      synchronised foothills. Or stay indoors in a nice warm inn on the
      lower slopes and enjoy the parade of trapped skiers as they scream
      past you. Suggested sacrifices to: Foorgol, God of Avalanches; Thwap,
      the Troll God of Falling Rocks.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Disaster to beware: hailstorm

      There are few things more disconcerting than being pelted with hail
      on a sunny day. Oh, all right, there are a number of things more
      disconcerting, but few are as sudden. Or as hard on the skull. Your
      basic hailstorms are born high in the upper atmosphere and tend to
      come downwards without warning. They are also endowed with malice,
      and supernaturally good aim! Hailstorms disrupt traffic and play
      merry hells with the soft fruit industries, but have given many a
      window merchant or glass eye manufacturer a much-needed boost in
      business. The most dangerous variant is the hailstorm of frogs,
      although this is welcomed by Brindisian chefs as it keeps the
      icehouse bills down. Suggested sacrifices to: What, the Sky Goddess;
      Friflo, the Goddess of Unexpected Spills. Consider converting to
      Omnianism, as Om is big on falling out of the sky.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
      (Horoscope continued on Part 3)
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      End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 4
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      If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...



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