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220WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2005 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    Jan 29, 2005
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      WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2005 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      13) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      This month I want to talk about diseases. We already know of the
      many ailments to which persons born under certain Signs are
      susceptible, but I'd like to be frank and warn you about some
      other, lesser known ones. After all, forewarned is forearmed, and
      it's truly amazing what awful thing can happen to one's forearms
      if one isn't careful.

      Have a healthy month and watch out for ordinary-sized people
      carrying tartan print measuring tapes...


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your disease to beware is: thurps

      A type of rash, thurpos granulatus, caused by oversensitivity to
      brassica products...this in turn can be caused by simple overexposure
      to cabbages, broccoli and sprouts. Thurps is most prevalent among Sto
      plains vegetable growers, but there have been recent outbreaks in
      girls' boarding schools and the HRH Magrat Academy of Philosophical
      Vegetarianism. It is characterised by woody patches on the limbs, a
      faint greenish skin tint and a disturbing odour...the best known cure
      for thurps is a vigorous thrice-daily application of fish and chips,
      though chips alone seem to have a positive effect.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your disease to beware is: abneghm

      Abneghm is a combination of forgetfulness and severe runny nose. This
      illness is thought to have come originally from Bhangbhangduc in the
      form of microscopic haemogoblins, although there is new evidence that
      it is a herrydeterry predisposition in some Chalk and Lancre families,
      where it occurs in the very young and the very old. For those prone
      to abneghm, it is best to always carry a good supply of clean dry
      hankies, since sufferers won't remember to bring them when it really
      matters. Abneghm is no respecter of age and can strike all classes of
      society from the highest to the Nobbs. It's an unforgettable ailment
      - erm, no it's not.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

      Your disease to beware is: lacquititis

      Lacquititis is an uncontrollable desire to orate whilst drinking
      milk. The first known victim was Ephebian philosopher Snarkimedius
      who, on a teaching visit to the Queen of Hersheba, found himself
      suddenly surprised in her milk-bath and forced to duck his head below
      the surface - of the bath, you naughty people! - as he was reaching
      the conclusion of a learned discourse...the poor man's career, among
      other things, was cut short, but he will always be associated with
      lacquititis. Sufferers of this ailment are also prone to expletosis,
      that even more embarrassing condition made famous by Bonk
      psychologist Tou-Rhetz.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your disease to beware is: fromagism

      Note: not the same as fromagus (a wizard specialising in fromagomancy
      or cheese magic. You don't want to know about this one, and you
      *definitely* don't want to know about The Rinds...fromagism is a
      little-known disorder of the blood that is thought to be caused by the
      spores of the rennet bush which, upon entering one's bloodstream,
      multiply rapidly and soon cause attacks of curds and whey. Some
      sufferers actually believe themselves to be cheese products - one
      Fosgrove Probable, a Sto Lat biscuit-polisher, has won ribbons of
      distinction in four Quirmian dairy exhibitions.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your disease to beware is: skarpleosury

      Also known as skarple tunnel syndrome, skarpleosury affects the
      skarple tunnel, the invisible but all-important travel area between
      hand and mouth when imbibing reannuals and beverages made from
      orchard fruits. This illness tends to come in waves in the warm
      seasons and during major public holidays and can lay waste to entire
      pubs, hence its other appellation, Innkeeper's Ruin. Oddly enough,
      skarpleosury is also found to be rife among sherry-drinking ladies of
      a certain age. Most famous sufferer: Mostly Apples, a Lancre worm
      farmer known for his wandering eye. No, really.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Your disease to beware is: Wohrgeist syndrome

      Related to the Chimeran wardegris, a disease of oxen, and also to
      Butch Elm Fungus...symptoms of Wohrgeist include growths of moss on
      one's north side, mysterious attacks of bad Uberwaldean accents, and
      an irrepressible urge to commit gloomy philosophy on the blissfully
      ignorant. First observed in the Bad Badlerhoibraun district of Upper
      Borogravia, this unfortunate ailment was exported to Ankh-Morpork by
      one Frenz Hockbrawn in a shipment of aged timber; despite a long and
      profitable career as a woodcutter, he was mistaken for a small oak
      due to the thickness of his moss deposits, and ended his days as
      several rather attractive door panels.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your disease to beware is: estifole or estifolary

      Estifole is the tendency to develop small, complete rivers on one's
      person. Severe attacks have been known to also afflict the sufferer
      with bridges, water meadows, tiny paddleboats and in the worst cases,
      tidal bores. In the tertiary stage, some patients may experience
      persistent fjords. The causes of estifole are as yet unknown, but the
      recommended treatment is a two-month visit to desert highlands or a
      term of duty in the Klatchian Foreign Legion...a related disorder,
      tectonic sclerosis [also known as Richter's palsy], is being studied
      with great interest, especially as victims exhibit some fascinating
      fault lines and are prone to sudden outbreaks of mountain ranges at
      formal dinners.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your disease to beware is: phthiphiuth

      A condition involving coughing and lisping like an Igor. This is
      messier than abneghm but involves far less forgetfulness. It
      generally begins when, in a moment of jollity, one attempts to
      faithfully render Igor-speech aloud and finds that one cannot thtop
      - then ath one getth embarrathed and trieth to clear one'th throat,
      the coughing beginth, and by the time one getth to the thneething,
      it'th very meththy indeed...thee, erm, see what I mean? Dried Frog
      Pills are good for curing phthipiuth, as is blowing into a paper bag
      and counting to seven plus one. For Igors born with a speech
      impediment, these remedies will have a positive opposite effect,
      rapidly bringing on a fine tradithional lithp.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your disease to beware is: caledonia nervosa

      Caledonia nervosa: the morbid fear of becoming a Nac Mac Feegle or
      pictsie. Sufferers will stand for hours in front of mirrors,
      searching for signs of bright red hair and blue skin, and feel a
      constant compulsion to measure themselves in the belief that this
      will prevent a height of six inches from sneaking down on them. The
      first sign of this socially disruptive disease is a predilection for
      shouting "Crivens!" and "Och the noo, bigjobs!" Then comes the
      unnatural preoccupation with sheep, and the urge to steal anything
      not nailed down [N.B.: see also entry for carpuloses]. Caledonia
      nervosa tends to make young women break out in attacks of keldas, and
      in extreme cases causes the wearing of Burberry plaids. Sadly, there
      is no cure for *that*.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your disease to beware is: carpuloses

      Carpuloses is the Discly equivalent of kleptomania...and general,
      erm, seizing of...things. This disease is one of the rare few shared
      by persons and corvids alike, by the way. Carpuloses victims often
      wake in the mornings to find their pockets full of unfamiliar string,
      Klatchian coins, betel nuts, slumpie, coal, cards with strange clacks
      numbers on them, Aunty Flo's best cutlery, little brightly coloured
      drinks parasols, shoehorns, water buffalo, and sheets of stationery
      embossed with From The Desk Of H. Vetinari, Patrician. Some
      sufferers, unable to effect a cure, become bailiffs.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your disease to beware is: aun-wi

      An Agatean variety of communicable depression, aun-wi often tends to
      afflict young women who wear a lot of black lace, too much mascara,
      and pretend to dabble in dark magic...characterised by much sighing
      and heaving of bosoms, an avoidance of fresh air, poor appetite - or
      an overdependence on chocolate assortments - and yawning during
      afternoon tea, aun-wi can strike at any age but the worst documented
      cases to date have been among females of the newly-wealthy merchant
      classes. Women of good old stock sometimes suffer aun-wi but are far
      too polite to mention it.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your disease to beware is: tinker's drought

      Whoever named this unfortunate illness was a wag and no mistake - it
      does *not* involve dryness. Trust me on this. Um. I think perhaps we
      should talk about other illnesses at this juncture. Like influencia,
      for example - that imp's-egg infestation that causes large numbers of
      usually sensible people to suddenly invest in nonexistent overseas
      properties...or the uncommon cold, a Howondaland virus that manifests
      itself in icicles on embarrassing body parts...or the Ankh Staggers.
      You know where you are with diseases like those. Your friends - and
      ladyfriends - aren't prone to laugh at diseases like those. But
      tinker's drought? Let's not go there.

      &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
      forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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      Copyright (c) 2005 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


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