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114WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2002 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    Oct 30, 2002
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      WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2002 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
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      9) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE

      Once again, my good friend Manu, head of our KFL
      Spanish language section, and editor of El PuercoespĂ­n
      (The Hedgehog), has translated Lady Aranluc's latest
      Horoscope, and here it is:

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      THIS MONTH'S PREDICTIONS
      (SPECIAL PANDA OF GYPSIES EDITION):
      ~~ ROUTINE, AND HOW TO AVOID IT ~~

      March 21 - April 20
      The Perhaps Gate

      This month you'll suffer a horrible back-to-nature syndrome. You'll
      buy a pair of wooden clogs and a goat and you'll try to herd it
      in your living room in your spare time, while singing Tyrolese
      songs as you lie on your sofa. Then, when the animal has dropped
      its thingies on the carpet and you have got a broken bone after
      falling off the sofa, you'll sell the bloody goat to a Gypsy tribe
      and declare yourself enemy of all things grass-smelling. Well,
      nearly everything, depending on their sex.

      April 21 - May 21
      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips

      After a whole summer running to and fro while carrying your luggage
      and wasting your youth in unhealthy beach discos (or wherever), you
      will need some rehabilitation. My advice is that you buy a bicycle
      and wander across the most rustic landscapes of your country,
      mingling with people, eating local delicatessen and noting their
      quaint customs. If you follow this piece of advice you will end up
      still more exhausted, true, but maybe you'll get a TV contract to
      make one of those popular rural documentaries. Hey, it's a job
      just like any other.

      May 22 - June 21
      The Two Fat Cousins

      You have a surprise awaiting: your inner circle of friends has gone
      out of control. Now they do as they please, your rules are not
      respected anymore, it's anarchy now. You'll have to be tough with
      them to get them back into line. Just buy a whip and some military
      trousers and go for it. For a start: physical exercises until they blow up.
      You'll be their worst nightmare. Sooner or later they will revolt
      and throw you into the nearest river, of course, but the splash
      (or the thud, if the river is not in a good state) will be good for
      you. Serves you right for watching "Buffy" so many times. However,
      menacing your friends with a stake might be going a bit too far.

      June 22 - July 22
      Wezen the Double-Headed Kangaroo

      Hard work coming. You just don't realize how much paperwork you've
      allowed to pile up on your desk. Even I am afraid, and this isn't even
      my sign... Just nerve yourself and throw it all into the wastebasket.
      And for fans of bizarre movies, just think -- you can always grab a
      sawed-off shotgun like Michael Douglas did and start shooting at
      everything in your local burger restaurant. It should be relaxing, and
      will certainly improve the service.

      July 23 - August 23
      The Cow of Heaven

      This month your meddling brain cells will be full of energy. You
      can expect long evenings watching TV reruns, nights of
      dreadful TV-rubbish, meetings with friends to criticize other friends,
      hours and hours spying through the window or the keyhole on the
      comings and goings of your neighbors, and extreme worry about your
      home's hygienic state. Plus of course, an ability for self-pity
      without any known limit. But you already had that, didn't you?

      August 24 - September 23
      Mubbo the Hyena

      Suddenly everything will seem wonderful. With your new numbed
      senses, life will appear as if painted in pastel tones for you. Your
      smile will always be with you, the sunrises will be amazing, the
      evenings will be sublime, and you will believe that every human
      being is basically a nice person, even if they are always trying
      to hide this from the rest. And they do that very well, to tell the
      truth, given the way they have been treating you lately...

      September 24 - October 23
      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars

      There is an influence in your life that, even if not new, will
      suddenly take a great importance. All your acts will be carefully
      watched by this omnipresent and dominant entity, and your efforts
      will always have the goal of pleasing it. You will crouch in terror
      before its presence, and when it goes out of sight you'll get the
      feeling that its eyes are on your back, evaluating you, weighting
      your acts, judging you, because you know that its displeasure
      means your oblivion. And its name will be ... boss. Kneel and deliver,
      poor mortal with a new horrible job!

      October 24 - November 22
      Okjok the Salesman

      You have been having fun since the beginning of the summer, all
      those months ago, and you just won't let go. All your senses, so
      hard to train towards fun as they were, do not want to turn back.
      You'll try to go out every night, to drink, to get home late. You'll
      try to adapt the noble art of doing nothing in the beach to the city
      bars in your spare time, and in the nights everything will be just
      fun and parties for you. Well, at least until you surrender out of sheer
      tiredness or until you get so bored of watching the incredible ambiance
      there is at 02:00 AM on Tuesday in a disco, that you may get your
      sanity back. Or maybe not.

      November 23 - December 21
      The Overworked Orang-Utang

      You just can't adapt to the job routine. You'll try to flee. You
      will get a camouflage costume, put a knife between your teeth and
      creep your way across the countryside trying to leave behind all those
      hunting dogs your family has sent after you. You'll climb trees
      and try to look as inconspicuous as an overfed stick insect. Predators
      just don't have any idea of how to do it, compared to you. Ah, if
      you just put all that energy into something useful...

      December 22 - January 20
      The Celestial Parsnip

      'Routine' is for you as an attractive word as 'desert' is for a fish,
      so you'll pick up all your possessions and try for a new life
      in a less hostile environment, like the illegal gambling sub-world,
      the captivity shark training or the clandestine circle of (Aaargh:
      What was the name of that game when you have a gun with just one
      bullet and everyone shoots himself until some dies? Russian
      something?) ((Ed: Russian Roulette)) I can see a great future for you
      in many of these nice activities. Great, but maybe a bit short.

      January 21 - February 18
      The Knotted String

      A great abyss now opens before you. New ways, yet unexplored. New
      worlds, new experiences, a break with everything you have been until
      now and the rebirth of a new person drastically different from the
      one you were before. You'll get a new life, everything will change
      for you, everything will be different. Without being able to avoid
      it, you'll become the opposite of who you were. Yes, suddenly,
      unexpectedly, one of these days you'll get up from bed and feel
      like putting some order in your room. Scary, eh? Best thing to do
      is to lie down again till the feeling goes away.

      February 19 - March 20
      The Flying Moose

      Spirituality will make itself a place in your life. You'll get a
      serene and sane personality and you'll pick the fruits of your
      work, and I don't mean the orange-tree in your garden. The wheels
      of karma will turn around without a rest. you'll exhale an aura
      of pure serenity and move around the house levitating in the
      Lotus Position to your prying neighbors' astonishment and horror.
      And so on, until the Secret Service comes along and they put you
      in a padded cell to be a first-class X-File. When I say that the truth is
      out there... remember, they may put you out there with it.

      -- Lady Aranluc

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      10) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: GUARDS! GUARDS!
      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Answer the questions and put the letter
      indicated into the spot shown. Read the words
      backwards and discover the name of the Captain
      of the Guards.
      (Note: all spellings are from the 1989 Gollancz edition.)
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Example: Pratchett - 1st letter: ANSWER: Terry LETTER = T
      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

      1. Lady Ramkin (1st letter)

      2. Bouncer at the Mended Drum (2nd letter)

      3. Grabber _______ - one of the most feared bar-room fighters in
      Ankh-Morpork (3rd letter)

      4. Remember what happened to ______ ? (5th letter)

      5. He who gave the lawbook to Carrot (1st letter)

      6. The Patrician's secretary (1st letter)

      7. Jimkin _____ 's Whiskey Distillery (2nd letter)

      8. A very small Brother of the Elucidated Brethren of the
      Ebon Night (2nd letter)

      9. Zebbo _____, Thief Third Class (1st letter)

      10. Nickname for C.M.O.T. Dibbler (5th letter)

      11. Owner of Harga's House of Ribs (1st letter)


      __/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = The Captain of the Guards
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/

      Puzzle solution will appear next month.

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: PYRAMIDS

      1. The Royal Embalmer (2nd letter)
      DIL = I
      2. Greatest Discworld mathematician (4th letter)
      YOU BASTARD = B
      3. The god who endlessly searches for his toenails (1st letter)
      YAY = Y
      4. Goddess of soap bubbles (2nd letter)
      NESH = E
      5. The cat-headed god (1st letter)
      BAST = B
      6. Teppic's girlfriend (6th letter)
      PTRACI = I
      7. Head pyramid builder (5th letter)
      PTACLUSP = L
      8. The Listener (1st letter)
      ENDOS = E
      9. Cobra-headed god of papyrus (1st letter)
      JUF = J
      10. First Minister and High Priest (1st letter)
      DIOS = D

      I_/B_/Y_/E_/B_/I_/L_/E_/J_/D_/ = The Land of the Pyramids
      1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

      Puzzle solution will appear next month.

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      If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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      Copyright (c) 2002 by Klatchian Foreign Legion