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***Thought & Humor*** Oct. 9, 2004 Edition - ***Serendipity***

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  • letshavefun2day@juno.com
    Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper featuring Thought & Humor by Howdy =============== One UNC student noticed another UNC student walking up and down Main
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 6, 2004
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                           Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper 
                                featuring
      'Thought & Humor'
                                                                     by Howdy
                      
                                        
       
                                                         
       
      ===============

       
      One UNC student noticed another UNC student walking
      up and down Main Street, wearing a sandwich board that
      read "Free Big Mac!"
       
      Strolling over with a look of  concern, the first UNC
      student asked, "Why? What'd he do?"
       

      ===============
       
          
      Riddles:



      1) I run over fields and woods all day,  
      Under the bed at night I sit alone,  
      With a long tongue hanging out,  
      Awaiting for a bone.  
      What is it? 

      2) What flower is in between your nose and your chin?

      3)  I am a country. My 1st, 2nd, and 7th letters form an  
      external point. My 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 7th is what you  
      will be when you solve this puzzle. My 5th, 2nd, 3rd,  
      1st, and 4th is in heaven. My 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th  
      is on earth. What country am I?  
       
      4) I'm so fast you can't see me,  
      Though everyone sees straight through me,  
      I don't stop until the day you die.  
      What am I?  
       
      5) A tree doubled in height each year until it  
      reached its maximum height in 20 years. How  
      many years did it take this tree to reach  
      half its maximum height?  


                                              (Answers are located below)
                                                        If you can't find the answers below:
                                http://groups.yahoo.com/group/howdy_text_only/messages

      ===============


       
                'Text-Only' Edition has no color cartoon here - and it was funny...
      ===============
       
      Q. Why did the UNC student  go outdoors with her purse open?
      A. Because she expected change in the weather.
       
       

      ===============
                             
                                
      Read what you have time for below
      & save the residuum for a stormy/
      blustery/dilatory interval while
      the charming/exquisite/vernal/
      aestival season is bursting out all
      over. Our goal is to promote a non-
      threatening and productive office 
      & university environment and to
      establish language that is gender-
      neutral, ethnic-neutral, and age-
      neutral while celebrating our spirit  
      of diversity.  


      ===============
       
       
       
             
       
      A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting
      in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible,"
      to which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."
       
       
       

       
      ===============

       
       
       
      ***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***
      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below.
          Even French students can do it...


        
       


      ===============

                       

      The Astronomy Picture of the Day (APOD), presents a different
      celestial picture each day. Included with the picture is an explanation,
      written in easy-to-understand language (See Genesis 1:1).
       
                       http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/astropix.html
       
      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line}
       
       
       

       
      ===============
       
       
       
       
       


      The language of friendship is not words, but meanings.
      It is an intelligence above language.

       
       
       
       

       
      ===============

       
       
       

                                                         
      In a small business office in Chapel Hill, N.C., they have an
      answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name
      and address, and to spell any difficult words.
       
      Early one Monday the secretary was reviewing the weekend
      messages and she heard an enthusiastic UNC student recite
      her name and address and then confidently offer, "My dif-
      ficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."


       
       
       

       

      ===============

       

      Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online,
      'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
      through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail
      address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique
      blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your
      weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic 
      but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious
      and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....
       
       


      ===============

                            

      A man was recovering from surgery when
      a recent UNC* grad in a new job as a charity
      representative phoned asking him to take
      part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.
      "Sorry," he replied, "but I've been incapacitated."
       
      Undaunted, the UNC grad kept trying to
      convince him to change his mind and volunteer.
       
      The man interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated.
      Do you know what that means?"
       
      She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"
       
       
      ________
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.

      ===============
       
       
       

                                       
        On March 27, 1964, North America's strongest recorded
        earthquake, with a moment magnitude of 9.2, rocked central
        Alaska. Each year Alaska has approximately 5,000 earthquakes,
        including 1,000 that measure above 3.5 on the Richter scale.
        Of the ten strongest earthquakes ever recorded in the world,
        three have occurred in Alaska.


       
       


      ===============

       
       
       
       
      Dear Howdy,
       
      My dog is worried about the economy because
      Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost
      $7.00 in dog money.

      Joe W.
       
       
       

       
      ===============
            
               
       
       
       
       

      A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a UNC
      grad who is a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of
      grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices
      that the grad  is just standing there, doing nothing. The man gets
      out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks
      him, "Excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
       
      The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
       
      "How?" asks the man, puzzled.
       
      "Well...I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are
      out standing in their field."


       
       
       
       
       
       
      ===============


        ***TEST YOUR WORD KNOWLEDGE? ***
                           
      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
       
      1. effrontery       A. Sharp, biting, or acid  
      2. machination   B. Thoroughgoing; downright  
      3. imprimatur      C. Familiar talk  
      4. acerbic            D. The act of plotting  
      5. rumpus            E. A large lump or chunk or something  
      6. confabulation F. Approval; sanction  
      7. skedaddle       G. An outcry or noisy disturbance  
      8. arrant              H. Insulting presumptuousness  
      9. wodge              I. A thicket or grove of small trees  
      10. copse            J. To run away quickly  
       
                                 (answers below)                     


      ===============
       
       
       
       


      A UNC student had a near death experience when she went
      horseback riding the other day. Everything was going fine until
      the horse started bouncing out of control.
       
      She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
      Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got
      caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head
      first to the ground.
       
      Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not
      stop or even slow down.
       
      Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness,
      the Walmart manager happened to walk by and unpluged the ride.
       
       
       
       

       
      ===============
       
       
      ===============





      Living Dreams - - These words come from a man
      who was a sailor, janitor, songwriter, teacher, author  
      and poet. How many of these words  do you know?
       

      1. contempt (n.) - A: skepticism. B: anger. C: judgment.  
      D: scorn.  

      2. melodramatic (adj.) - A: musical. B: evil. C: comic.  
      D: overly theatrical.  

      3. renaissance (n.) - A: new information. B: fluency of  
      expression. C: deterioration. D: rebirth.  

      4. innuendo (n.) - A: secrecy. B: unpleasant insinuation.  
      C: funny remark. D: quiet explanation.  

      5. meager (adj.) - A: shoddy. B: superficial. C: inadequate.  
      D: willful.  

      6. vespers (n.) - A: dizziness. B: evening prayer. C: form  
      of poetry. D: chorale.  

      7. dire (adj.) - A: narrow. B: enraged. C: dreadful.  
      D: meaningful.  

      8. personage (n.) - one who is A: inconspicuous. B: reli-  
      gious. C: sophisticated. D: important.  

      9. scintillating (adj.) - A: bitterly sarcastic. B: brill-  
      iantly clever. C: fragile. D: unpredictable.  

      10. pretension (n.) - A: insolent behavior. B: insupportable  
      claim. C: undisputed right. D: extreme selfishness.  

      11. rollicking (adj.) - A: upsetting. B: pensive. C: light-  
      hearted. D: mischievous.  

      12. dialect (n.) - A: local language. B: interrogation.  
      C: conversation. D: systematic reasoning.  

      13. solicitude (n.) - A: concern. B: peacefulness.  
      C: seclusion. D: request.  

      14. amulet (n.) - A: small ambulance. B: charm. C: jewel.  
      D: bottle.  

      15. patronage (n.) - A: collaboration. B: entitlement pro-  
      gram. C: sponsorship. D: disadvantage.  

      16. grandiloquent (adj.) - A: spacious. B: light. C: glamor-  
      ous. D: pompous.  

      17. millennium (n.) - A: suffering. B: period of joy.  
      C: great flood. D: eternity.  

      18. literati (n.) - A: intellectuals. B: those who put on  
      airs. C: pampered group. D: the literal-minded.  

      19. impromptu (adj.) - A: rigid. B: uninhibited. C: impro-  
      vised. D: changeable.  

      20. concoct (v.) - A: to make a show of. B: outline.  
      C: invent. D: deceive.  
                  
          




      ===============
       
                           
       
      'Thought & Humor' has been  read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!
       
       
      ===============
       
       
       
       


       
      The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds
      a natural-history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them,
      "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight.
      What do you conclude from that?"
       
      One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

       
       
       
       
       
       

      ===============

                              
       
      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:



       Howdy's address:       your-bestfriend4u@...



      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown. Tell us what's happening in your locale!!!
       
      Warning: Please do not send political correspondence - these sometimes
      slip stealthily past our editor.  We have a very strict policy forbidding
      posting of any political material in this section.  If your copy contains
      such, please be advised that your copy may have been an early
      edition and that it was doffed from all ensuing editions.




      Dear Howdy,
       
      I have a dog that's half pit bull, half poodle. Not much
      of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip.
       
      Craig S. 

      +++

      Howdy, I enjoy reading "Howdy."  I especially appreciate the
      unashamed presentation of the gospel.  I am a 56-year-old
      Baptist minister in Tennessee.  I am blind and use a screen
      reading software package, so I just sit back, turn the speaker
      volume up a little, increase the reading speed up to around 200
      words per minute, and enjoy the new issue.  I sometimes have
      to go back and slow down the reading speed to check out something.
       
      May God bless you as you minister in such an enjoyable way.
       
      Charles


      +++

      Dear Howdy, 
       
              Someone -- I don't know who -- subscribed me to this and I have been trying
      your prescibed way of unsubscribing for some time.  It doesn't seem to work.

              PLEASE remove me from your mailing list.

              If you're going to use the funnies to import partisan politics, perhaps you
      should consider broader respresentation -- some things that take seriously
      that there is more than one way to look at matters, even from a Christian
      perspective.  I send along something wildly "liberal" just to make your
      eyeballs pop.  You don't have to agree. In fact you're free to publish it
      with your usual derisive digs -- always given with a wink and a smile!
      Entertain for only a moment that while you and George W. surely have between
      you unconcealed nearly all the truth, there may still be a few unexplored
      corners.
       
              The troops were being taught to jump from a plane.
              "What if my parchute doesn't open?" asked one rookie.
              "That," said the instructor, "is known a jumping to a conclusion."
       
              Blessings and thank the Lord that the faith is large,
              Carleton Bakkum  (grace church yorktown)
       
      +

      Dear Carleton,
       
      Very sorry that you are had a somewhat onerous time unsubscribing but
      was happy to do this for you. I think what you're asking for is equal time
      and CBS, ABC, NBC & CNN are more than happy to be "transcribers"
      for the Democratic Party & the John Kerry Campaign. Ask them! They
      provide the "broader" or capacious representation that you are looking
      for (as long as it agrees with their orientation).
       
      Please be advised that Jesus said the road is narrow & few find it
      (see below: "FOUR THINGS" that is included in every issue). Truth
      is always incapacious. One doesn't visit an auto mechanic when brain
      surgery is needed even though this would be a bigoted, narrow, and
      discriminatory decision when viewed by Kerry, Rather & other liberals
      when applied in the same manner as they use against the President....
       
      Howdy
       
      +++
       
      Dear Howdy,
       
      Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant
      and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with
      different expressions of horror.
       
      Rita R.
       
      +++
       
      Dear Howdy,
       
      Here's one for you:
       
      A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when
      suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
      towards him.

      The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
      Ray Ban sunglasses, YSL tie, leans out the window and
      asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows
      and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

      The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
      looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
      "Sure. Why  not?"

      The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
      computer,  connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs
      to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a
      GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
      on his location which he then feeds to another
      NASA satellite  that scans the area in an ultra-high-
      resolution photo.  The young man then opens the
      digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and  exports it
      to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

      Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
      that the image has been processed and the data stored.
      He then accesses a MS-SQL  database through an
      ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with  hundreds of
      complex formula. He uploads all of this data via an email
      on his  Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
      response.

      Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on
      his hi-tech,  miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
      finally turns to the cowboy and  says, "You have
      exactly 1586 cows and calves."

      "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
      calves," says the cowboy.

      He watches the young man select one of the animals
      and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into
      the trunk of his car.

      Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can
      tell you exactly  what your business is, will you give
      me back my calf?"

      The young man  thinks about it for a second and
      then says, "Okay, why not?"

      "You're a democrat consultant" says the cowboy.

      "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
      guess that?"

      "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed
      up here even  though nobody called you; you want to get
      paid for an  answer I already  knew, to a question I
      never asked; and you don't know  anything about my
      business...

      .......Now give me back my dog.

      Brenda
       
      +++
       
      Hi Howdy,
       
      Wondering why my niece was returning to 
      UNC to get a masters in philosophy, I
      asked "What can you do with a degree like
      that?"

      "Well," she explained "It will qualify me to
      deal with questions like  'What  is existence?'
      What is the essence of things.' and  'Do you
      want fries with that?" 
       
      Lorraine
       
      +++
       
      Dear Howdy, 
       
      An invisible man married an invisible woman. 
      They had children.  They weren't much to look at either.

      KEN WOLTMAN


      +++
      Dear Howdy,
       
      Hey! I found a really cool site yesterday that shows you how  
      to make the ultimate paper airplane. Be prepared to spend  
      about ten minutes making your first one...the instructions  
      are a little complicated...but it flies really well. Oh, and  
      try not to do it while you're sitting at your desk at work.  
      I was goofing around with it this morning and the boss  
      happened to come up behind me and look over my shoulder.

      Anyway...check it out here if you're interested: 

      Joe  

      +++
       
      Dear Howdy, 
      You do great work, Howdy!  
      
      Go Blue!
      
      Kim C.
      Professor, Organizational Behavior, School of Business 
      and Professor, Higher Education, School of Education 
      University of Michigan
      +++

      Howdy, 
       
      The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased;
      sometimes it gets replaced.
       
      John P. 
       
      +++

      Dear Howdy,
       
      So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are  
      asking for:  

      There are 365 days per year available for work. There are  
      52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per  
      week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend  
      16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days,  
      leaving only 91 days available.  

      You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts  
      for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.  

      With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,  
      leaving only 22 days available for work.  

      You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This  
      leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are  
      off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is  
      down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per  
      year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll  
      be John Brown if you are going to take that day off!  
       
      The Board


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