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***Thought & Humor*** Aug 7, 2004 Edition - {Please Forward} - {Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture} -

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  • hellomyfriend2day@juno.com
    For Those Who Want To Enjoy Life (A Full Week s Worth of Great & Sensational Reading) - Special Summer LITE Edition - - - Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 5, 2004
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      For Those Who Want To Enjoy Life
      (A Full Week's Worth of Great &
      Sensational Reading) - Special
      Summer "LITE" Edition - - -

                           Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper 
      'Thought & Humor'
                                                                     by Howdy

      The UNC football coach walked into the locker room before a game,
      looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you
      play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have
      to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
      The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and
      asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this.
      What is two plus two?"
      The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
      "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
      At that, all the other players on the team began screaming,
      "Come on coach, give him another chance!"


      1) Eliminate all the days of the week except for one, and to
      be forthright about it, this day is NOT the day after Sunday
      or the day before Wednesday, and it can't be that Saturday
      is tomorrow, nor can it be that Saturday was yesteday, and
      it most certainly couldn't be two days before yesterday, and
      while we're at it, let's eliminate Thursday. So, what day
      is it?

      2)  Can you tell me what is remarkable about this rather long

      Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice,
      Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana,
      Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina,
      Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan,
      Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel,
      Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina,
      Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.

      3) The verbs BRING, BUY, CATCH, FIGHT, FREIGHT,
      SEEK, TEACH and THINK share a common property
      that no other common verbs in the English language
      possess. What is it?

                                              (Answers are located below)
                                       If you can't find the answers below:


                'Text-Only' Edition has no color cartoon here - and it was funny...
      Q.  What did one pickle say to the other?
      A.  "You mean a great dill to me."


      Read what you have time for below & save the
      residuum for a stormy/blustery/dilatory interval
      while the charming/exquisite/vernal/aestival 
      season is bursting out all over. Our goal is to
      promote a non-threatening and productive
      office & university environment and to establish
      language that is gender-neutral, ethnic-neutral,
      and age-neutral while celebrating our spirit  
      of diversity.  


                          Virus Warning   
      You have just received the UNC virus. As the school don't  
      have any technology or programming experience, this virus
      works on the honor system. 
      Please delete all the files from your hard drive and
      manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing
      Thank you for your cooperation.
      UNC Computer Department

      View This Controversial Ad that
      The Libs Are Trying To Block:

      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below.
          Even French students can do it...




      Look into the night sky and what do you see? A bunch of stars, right?
      Not necessarily. You may be looking at a planet, comet or meteor.
      The Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics posts current sky
      information. It explains what celestial bodies are brightest in a given
      month and how to locate them.
      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line}


                             Save The Environment!!!
      Three hundred and fourteen acres of trees are used to  
      make the newsprint for the average Sunday edition of the  
      New York Times. There are nearly 63,000 trees in the 314  
      acres. Cancel your subscription today & save America also:O) 



      - Alexander Graham Bell -
      Died August 2, 1922  
      Born March 3, 1847  
      Inventor, Educator. He is famous not only as an inventor,  
      but as and educator amd writer of books to help people who  
      cannot speak or hear. Through his teachings, he became  
      interested in the sound of the human voice which led to his  
      invention of the telephone. Along with an assistant, Thomas  
      A. Watson, the telephone was born. The first long distance,  
      two-way telephone conversation took place in 1876 between  
      Boston and Cambridge, Massachusetts, a distance of two miles.  
      Alexander Graham Bell lived to see millions of telephones in  
      use all over the world and had the experience of speaking  
      from coast to coast by telephone. Living in retirement at  
      Beinn Bhreagh, his summer estate at Baddeck, Nova Scotia,
      he suffered a heart attack in 1922 and died. He was buried in
      a simple graveside service on the grounds of the retreat where  
      he regularly spent a substantial portion of each year. He is
      considered the female patron saint for his invention of the




      Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online,
      'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
      through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail
      address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique
      blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your
      weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic 
      but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious
      and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....



      Q.  Why can't UNC grads make ice cubes?

      A..  Because they always forget how the recipe goes.
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.

      "And of course Oussama ben Laden has released another
      tape. Have you heard this latest tape? It's the same old thing.
      "Bush is a demon, Bush is an evil aggressor. Bush is Satan."
      Let me tell you something, if this guy wants to insult our
      president and call him evil, he can just join the Democrat
      Party..."  - - Jay Leno

      Word Power Quiz:
      Color words describe what we see, and some "colorful"
      words portray emotions and conditions. How many correct
      answers can you pick from the following array?

      1. verdure (n.) - A: blue. B: fragrance. C: green. D: white.

      2. sallow (adj.) - relating to A: an unhealthy complexion.
      B: a gaunt look. C: a small valley. D: a facial expression.

      3. rubicund (adj.) - A: countrified. B: jolly. C: moonlike.
      D: reddish.

      4. towhead (n.) - person with A: an aura. B: light-colored
      hair. C: a dull wit. D: a golden crown.

      5. cerulean (adj.) - A: gray and murky. B: shining.
      C: engraved in wax. D: sky blue.

      6. roseate (adj.) - A: ornate. B: delicate. C: thorny.
      D: optimistic.

      7. hoary (adj.) - A: rough. B: lewd. C: humorous. D: ancient.

      8. tawny (adj.) - A: spotted. B: brownish-yellow. C: shaggy.
      D: light purple.

      9. livid (adj.) - A: enraged. B: ominous. C: disfigured.
      D: confused.

      10. emblazon (v.) - A: to set fire to. B: decorate.
      C: spread out. D: permit.

      11. iridescent (adj.) - showing A: joy. B: transparency.
      C: interplay of colors. D: a temporary situation. 

      12. jaundiced (adj.) - A: anxious. B: peculiar. C: sad.
      D: embittered.

      13. swarthy (adj.) - A: rough and ready. B: hairy. C: pearl
      gray. D: dark-complexioned.

      14. tabby (n.) - cat that is A: orange with white stripes.
      B: black with white spots. C: light-colored with dark
      stripes. D: calico-colored.

      15. hazel (adj.) - A: blue-green. B: gray-blue. C: light
      golden brown. D: flecked with blue.

      16. harlequin (adj.) - A: pulsating green. B: yellow and
      black. C: multicolored. D: florescent orange.

      17. terra-cotta (adj.) - A: brownish-red. B: rocklike.
      C: pale gray. D: tortoise-shell markings.

      18. ebony (n.) - wood that is A: white. B: dark. C: soft.
      D: pale.

      19. gild (v.) - A: to cover with gold. B: paint in flat
      colors. C: make geometric designs. D: speckle.

      20. monochromatic (adj.) - A: glistening. B: dull. C: silver.
      D: done in one color.
          (answers below)



      (Humor from a friend in Egypt)
      Dear Howdy,
               take this :)
      One was searching in the dictionary for the word
      'Dictionary'. He Found
      This meaning:-
      (Dictionary is the thing you are holding now, Stupid).
      Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he
      searched for the word
      Stupid, he found:-
      (Is that you again?
      Ahmed (Egypt)


      The great question that has never been answered and which I
      have not been able to answer....is, What does a women want?"
       --Sigmund Freud


      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
      1. furuncle           A. A desire or longing for something  
      2. animadversion B. The act of belching  
      3. chachka           C. Harsh criticism or disapproval  
      4. perforce           D. To steal something  
      5. collude            E. To conspire  
      6. purloin            F. A boil on the skin  
      7. eructation       G. An official who has charge of funds  
      8. miffy               H. An inexpensive trinket or souvenir  
      9. appetence        I. Easily upset or offended  
      10. bursar           J. By necessity  

                                 (answers below)                     


      During a practical exercise at a military police base, the  
      instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-  

      After he presented a number of different situations in which  
      they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps  
      would you take if someone were coming at you with a large,  
      sharp knife?"  

      The student replied, "BIG ones."   



      Trivial Test  (answers below - don't cheat!!)

      1) Why are canned herring called sardines?
      2) How many of the Great Lakes are in both the United States
         and Canada?
      3) How tall is the Eiffel Tower?
      4) How many teeth are there in our first set of teeth - our baby teeth?
      5) What is the world's largest known fish?
      6) What do the letters CAT represent in the CAT scan - the three
         dimensional composite image that can be taken of the body, brain,
         or lungs?
      7) What is a group of foxes called?

      8) What was Maxwell Smart's cover on the TV spy comedy Get Smart?

      'Thought & Humor' has been  read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!

       A client called to report an accident and ask if her  
      insurance rates would go up.  

      "Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then  
      I asked for her license number. Verifying her information,  
      I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as  
      in Frank?"  

      "Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your  
      underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F  
      as in fault?"  


      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:

       Howdy's address:       your-bestfriend4u@...

      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown. Tell us what's happening in your locale!!!
      Warning: Please do not send political correspondence - these sometimes
      slip stealthily past our editor.  We have a very strict policy forbidding
      posting of any political material in this section.  If your copy contains
      such, please be advised that your copy may have been an early
      edition and that it was doffed from all ensuing editions.

      Dear Howdy,
      A long time, now deceased friend, an alum of Texas Tech
      told many similar tales about "Aggies" to the ones you tell
      of UNC. 
      As an alum of WVU, I'm surprised you don't use us instead!
      Everyone here in Ohio seems to tell West Virginia stories,
      which I have learned to tolerate.
      The nasties one is about the man with an IQ of 70 moved
      from Ohio to WV and improved the average IQ of both states.
      George Sutton  (Poland, Ohio) 


      One of the Trivia questions, in the July 31 issue was,

      What country's flag consists of a single solid color? 
      The given answer.
      - Libya's. its flag is green

      You missed one:
      - France. its flag is white.


      Dear Howdy,
      I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's  
      ability to use language that makes him the dominant species  
      on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other  
      thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of  
      vacuum cleaners.
      Jeff S.  


      Dear Mr. Not-the-Slightest-Bit-Funny,

            I have been receiving your newsletter for a few months now and can
      honestly say I hope I never get it again.  I don’t know who gave you my
      email address, but when I find out, I will make sure to litter their inbox
      with so much junk mail, just to simulate how unhappy I am with getting this
      newsletter.  I have sent at least 150 requests to yahoo and asked them to
      remove me from the list but I still keep getting this mindless dribble.

            It is a neat idea to put out your own spam and I’m sure SOMEone out
      there enjoys these horrible jokes.  Unfortunately, it’s not me.  So, please,
      I’m begging you, please remove me from the list.  This is my business email
      account and I don’t have time to a)read the endless amount of text, and
      b)keep replying to yahoo.  So, I will ask again, could you please, please
      remove me?

      Thank you,

      Dave Z. (U. of Missouri)

      P.S. I’ve made sure to send this to you many, many times so you can
      get the feeling I have every time your newsletter fills up my inbox.

      Hey Dave,
      Sorry that you're having trouble unsubscribing but
      I personally removed your name from our elite
      subscribers's list. We will certainly miss you:O)
      Happy Summer,
      P.S. Take the best medicine of all for what ails you -- laughter:
      "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon
        without springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
      ~Henry Ward Beecher
      "Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects."
      --Arnold Glasow
      "Laughter is by definition healthy."
      --Doris Lessing
      "If somebody makes me laugh, I'm his slave for life."
      --Bette Midler
      "The human race has one really effective weapon,
        and that is laughter."
      --Mark Twain
      "What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul."
      -- Yiddish Proverb
      "Laughter is an instant vacation."
      -- Milton Berle
      "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."
      -- Victor Borge 
      To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the
      heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time
      to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a
      time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a
      time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. (King Solomon)
      Dear Howdy,
      Let's see if I understand how the world works lately

      If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
      he blames the restaurant.

      If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
      lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

      If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home
      drunk, he blames the bartender.

      If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
      you blame television.

      If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
      you blame the gun manufacturer.

      And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill
      the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the
      mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

      I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.  
      So, if I die while my old, wrinkled body is parked in front of this computer,
      I want you to blame Bill Gates ... okay?

      Dr. B. (CA)
      Dear Howdy,
      We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta  
      was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became  
      available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and  
      had them installed in our 19th-century home.  

      Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know,  
      these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."  

      He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take towels."  
      Dear Howdy,
      A man is recovering from surgery when a
      nurse asks him how he is feeling.
      "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the
      four-letter-word the doctor used in
      surgery," he answered.
      What did he say?" asked the nurse.
      MLH (GA)
      Dear Howdy,
      I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in
      money. I read this in his last bill, 'For waking up at night
      and thinking about your case: $750.

      Hank W.

      (Message over 64 KB, truncated)
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