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***Thought & Humor*** July 3 & 4, 2004 Edition - Happy Birthday USA & Mom

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  • thoughthumor@juno.com
    Please do not reply to this mailing address unless you wish to unsubscribe and make HOWDY CRY. Replies to sent address are not read by humans - only Yahoo
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 1 9:31 PM
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      Please do not "reply" to this mailing address unless you wish to unsubscribe
      and make HOWDY CRY. Replies to sent address are not read by humans - only
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      sure to place the blame squarely on Yahoo's cyber system & not Howdy:O)
       
       

                
                           Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper 
                                featuring
      'Thought & Humor'
                                                                     by Howdy
                      
                                        
       
                                                         
       
      ===============
       
      UNC student walks into a dentist's surgery and says,
      "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."  

      "You don't need a dentist.  You need a psychiatrist."  

      "Yes, I know."  

      "So, why did you come in here?"  

      "The light was on."  


      ===============
       
          
           Riddles:



      1) Can you decipher this famous nursery rhyme?  

      A triumvirate of murine rodents totally devoid of ophthalmic  
      acuity was observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit  
      of an agriculturalist's uxorial adjunct. Said adjunct then  
      performed a triple caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed  
      bladed instrument generally used for subdivision of edible  
      tissue.  

      2)  My first is in sugar, but not in tea  
               My second in swim but not in sea  
               My third is in apple and also pear  
               My fourth is in ring and also hare  
               My last in ten but not in herd  
               My whole a very complimentary word.  
               What Am I?  

      3)  Squeeze it and it cries tears as red as its flesh, but its  
      heart is made of stone.  

      What is it?  


                                              (Answers are located below)
                                       If you can't find the answers below:
                                 http://groups.yahoo.com/group/howdy_text_only/messages

      ===============


       
                'Text-Only' Edition has no color cartoon here - and it was funny...
      ===============
       
      UNC Cop: "Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs?"  
       
       

      ===============
       
       
       
      Note to AOL users - AOL is officially blocking
      'Thought & Humor'. You may want to consider
      other ISPs or set up an additional free account
      such as Juno or Yahoo.
       
      Update - I do not know how/why but our
      software indicates that AOL has removed
      about half of their subscribers from their
      block list with every indication that it will
      be fully lifted in the future.

      Of course, I do not know if this will be
      permanent or for a short time but
      Time/Warner/AOL is no match for
      The Almighty!!!
       
       
       
      ===============
                             
                                
      Read what you have time for below & save the
      residuum for a stormy/blustery/dilatory interval
      while the charming/exquisite/vernal/aestival 
      season is bursting out all over...


      ===============
       
       
      Following the formal handover of sovereignty to Baghdad, 15 Iraqi and
      Iraqi-American groups have issued an open letter to the American people,
      thanking them for the sacrifices they endured to liberate their country.

      The letter will be delivered to President Bush at the White House today
      and published in a full page ad in USA Today.    MORE:   http://xrl.us/cbvh
       

       
      ===============
       
       
       
             
       
      Q. Why was the scientist's head wet? 
      A. Because he had a brainstorm.
       
       
       

       
      ===============
       
       
       
       
       
       
      Notes About Fonts & Legibility:

      If fonts or size are a problem & you use Outlook Express,
      simply hit the "forward" button & then "format" at the top -
      then "plain text" - standard type will appear like magic...

      Hiya, Howdy!  As usual, I got gobblety-gook in some portions
      of the e-newsletter.  Having Outlook Express, I tried your "forward"
      and "format" suggestion.  However, once I forward the document,
      it automatically becomes an attachment and no formatting is allowed
      (i.e., the word "format" is in grey tone and does not respond). 
      Soooo, for those faithful readers who want to read absolutely,
      positively every jot and tittle, you may wish to suggest the
      following and some may find it useful.

      Highlight the unreadable text.  Right click and copy.  Go to
      your "Start" button, "Run", type in "notepad",click "ok". 
      Once in Notepad,  right click and "paste".  Voila!  You
      can now read the text.  This can be kept open while
      reading "T&H" for multiple use.

      Have a great day, Howdy!
      Lisa :)



       
       
      ===============

       
       
      ***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***
      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below.
          Even French students can do it...


       

      ===============

                       
       

      The Scribbler is a fun little site. Draw a basic object using your
      mouse and click Start Scribbler.
       
      The Scribbler starts drawing on top of your original, creating new
      lines and adding to the piece. You can adjust the settings so that
      it draws in a different color, uses thicker lines or increases
      the "scribbliness."
       
      Even those who aren't very good at drawing can create very cool
      pictures. If you like what you created, take a screen shot of the
      picture and e-mail it to the Web site's gallery.
       
       http://www.zefrank.com/scribbler/
       
      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line}
       
       
       

       
      ===============
       
       
       
                        


      Waiter to UNC student: "How do you want me to slice your pizza?
      Into six or twelve slices?"
       
      UNC student: "SIX!!!!  I could *never* eat 12 slices!"
       
       
       
       


       
      ===============

       
       

                                                         

      Choose the word that best completes the meaning of
      the sentence. The answers are at the bottom. 

      1. The ______ spring weather was a great relief to all of  
      us who had struggled through the long, harsh winter.  

      a. abortive  
      b. volatile  
      c. temperate  
      d. pragmatic  
      e. intrinsic  

      2. I made a(n) ______ effort to repair the leak, but my  
      improvised patch didn't hold and I soon realized that I  
      would have to call a plumber.  

      a. vindictive  
      b. tentative  
      c. pristine  
      d. acrid  
      e. caustic  

      3. The adoring members of the tribe ______ their old king  
      even though he was blind and senile.  

      a. squandered  
      b. extrapolated  
      c. beleaguered  
      d. exacerbated  
      e. venerated  

      4. The hikers were ______ by the billions of mosquitoes that  
      descended upon them as soon as they hit the trail.  

      a. extolled  
      b. vitiated  
      c. palliated  
      d. vexed  
      e. promulgated  

      5. Seeing the pictures of our old home made us feel ______  
      and nostalgic.  

      a. adept  
      b. fastidious  
      c. wistful  
      d. infamous  
      e. impartial   

       
       


       

      ===============

       


       
      Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online,
      'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
      through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail
      address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique
      blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your
      weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic 
      but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious
      and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....
       
       
       
       


      ===============

                            

      Serving as a Marine recruiter in North Carolina, I found a  
      UNC* student who met all the requirements and was ready
      to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on  
      the application, and he began filling out his paper work.  

      But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign  
      property or have any foreign financial interests?" he  
      looked up at me with a worried expression.  

      "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota. Does that matter?"   
       
       
      ________
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.

      ===============
       
       
       

                                       
      Most of us will probably never get the chance to visit the National
      Museum of Science and Industry in London. However, we can visit its
      Web site.
       
      Most museum Web sites contain pictures of the collections located
      in the museum. This site is much more interactive. It uses images to
      illustrate discussion and debate. You can read what others think on
      a variety of subjects or contribute your own.
       
      You can even see a picture of the first television transmission. 
       
       


      ===============

       
      A UNC student walked into up to an airport ticket counter and asked
      to buy a round trip ticket. "Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent.
      The student rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"

       
      ===============
       
       
       
       
       
      Dateline: July 4, 2005
            
               
      Hundreds of television cameras zoom in as the new President,
      returning from an "international peace conference" in Paris,
      steps to the bank of microphones at Andrews Air Force Base.
      In his deep, sonorous voice, President John F. Kerry -- flanked
      by Kofi Annan and Jacques Chirac -- utters these fateful words:

      "My fellow Americans, go home and sleep well. I return from
      Paris having successfully negotiated with al Qaeda leaders.
      There will be no more bombings. All U.S. troops in Iraq are
      now under United Nations command. I have won peace for
      our troubled era."
       
      Sounds like Neville Chamberlain upon his return from
      negotiating peace with Hitler - but thankfully this is a
      work of fiction.     J. B.



       
      ===============


        ***TEST YOUR WORD KNOWLEDGE? ***
                           
      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
       
      1. maladroit        A. Plumpness of person  
      2. fantod             B. Lacking adroitness  
      3. interlard          C. A revealing glimpse or insight  
      4. nocuous         D. An alloy of mercury with another metal or metals  
      5. embonpoint    E. To insert between  
      6. reclame          F. Public attention or fame
        
      7. peccant          G. Nervous anxiety  
      8. amalgam        H. Likely to cause injury or damage  
      9. favonian           I. Pertaining to the west wind  
      10. apercu          J. Guilty of a sin  

                                 (answers below)                     


      ===============
       
       

      A UNC student walks into a bar with
      a pair of jumper cables hanging
      around his neck.  The bartenter
      gives him a look and says gruffly,
      "All right pal, I'll let you stay but
      don't start anything."
       
       
       
      ===============
       
       
      ===============

       

      Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.          




      ===============
       
                           
       
      "Thought & Humor" has been  read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!
       
       
      ===============
       
       
       


       
      The UNC freshmen were attending their first music lesson.  
      The music prof was trying to begin at the beginning.  She
      drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a student 
      to come up and write a note on it.  

      The freshman went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful  
      for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short
      note to tell you I'm fine."  
       
       
       



      ===============

                              
       
      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:



       Howdy's address:       your-bestfriend4u@...




      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown. Tell us what's happening in your locale!!!
       
      Warning: Please do not send political correspondence - these sometimes
      slip stealthily past our editor.  We have a very strict policy forbidding
      posting of any political material in this section.  If your copy contains
      such, please be advised that your copy may have been an early
      edition and that it was doffed from all ensuing editions.




      Dear Howdy,
       
      I would enjoy it much more and I believe it would
      have much more impact if you didn't use the "other"
      Bible versions.  Would you have a few minutes in
      which to tell me why you do that when the King
      James is doubtlessly available to you?
       
      Sincerely in Christ,
       
      L. V. 

      +

      Dear Howdy;
       
      Not everyone has or understands the King James Version
      and in keeping with our mandate of getting the "Good News"
      Gospel of Jesus Christ out;  this is one of the ways the Holy
      Spirit is leading you in God's plan.  In that light this newsletter
      Is Getting The Job Done. Amen!!  Really enjoy this edition, kept
      the smile segment/music on while going through the newsletter,
      except when reading the section on the Lord, ok.
       
      Ruth
       
      +
       
      Howdy,
       
      I have a BIG AMEN to everything Ruth contributed...thanks Ruth!  Howdy, I
      would offer to your reader that different people groups and different ages
      (for that matter) tend to identify better with varying versions of Scripture
      and their differing word usage and language patterns.  He knows that we are
      not all identical and that what one person can grasp may not work for
      everyone.  He knows this because HE MADE US!!!  God has blessed us with
      these different versions as gift...that we may all come to know Him, though
      different we may be!  They are all holy in their origin; and together, the
      Bible's versions give us a better, more wholistic image of how awesome God
      is!  God bless

      ~Ell

       +
       
      Howdy,
       
      My thoughts and experience are that it can be
      futile to discuss with KJV only people the need
      to use other translations.  Their passion for this
      version is in their DNA. :)  I'd use the argument
      that you want people to understand the basics
      of scripture, and for people who are not as biblically
      literate or astute as this gentleman is, that one
      needs to use language that is understandable
      by the recipient.  It's along the same path as a
      college professor teaching a graduate class vs.
      a 2nd grade elementary student.  Different language
      and grammar is used. 
       
      Doug
       
       
      +
       
      Howdy,
       
      Maybe tell that some of your board members study using Greek,
      Hebrew, and Latin. Does LV know that most of the KJV was copied
      from another version?
      YBIC,
      David
       
      +
       
      Hello,

      Ok, I do like to read the KJV, however... I don't think it is wrong to read
      other versions.  There are "bad" versions as well too that we need to be
      careful of
      .  I think the NAS is the next best thing, and there are a few more.

      To say that it should only be the KJV, then there is a problem.  I see this
      kind of thing a lot, and to dwell on the issue of which version should be
      read takes away from the REAL reason why the Bible was given.  We need
      to concentrate on winning sould for Christ, not be telling people that if they
      wanna be saved, they have to read the KJV.  Jesus Christ HIMSELF used the
      WORD of God by telling parables... because HE knew the people and what story
      to tell them so HE could reach them. Look how there were shepherds in Bible
      times, HE spoke on sheep... and many more.

      When we witness to people today, do we use the old English to talk with
      them??? Well, I don't.  The other versions out there are to make the
      language simple to understand for our language today... like I said though
      you have to watch out for some versions, because it's more like a paraphase
      and it waters the word down a lot and misses out on the real meaning of what
      it says.

      Today I still use the KJV, but I use the NAS too when I am studying.
      We must remember what we are striving to do here, win souls, not fight
      about versions... we are to be unified in telling the lost of our Saviour,
      not causing division among the believers because they don't read the
      version you do.

      "Preach the word..... and use words, if necessary"
      Wanda


      +++

      Dear Howdy,
       
      A bill collector came to my house the other
      day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills.
       
      Harold W.
       
      +++
       
      Hi Howdy,
       
      History seems to be repeating itself lately in entertainment  
      news - and that isn't always a good thing! Close on the  
      heels of the announcement that Jennifer Lopez is getting  
      married for the third time - this time to singer Marc  
      Anthony - comes the news that Britney Spears is engaged
      to dancer Keven Federline. It hasn't been long since Britney  
      took a walk down the aisle; she married childhood friend  
      Jason Alexander during a quickie wedding in January. The  
      marriage lasted all of 55 hours. Anyone want to take bets on  
      how long this one will last?  

      Best,  
      JT  
       
      +++
       
      Dear Howdy,
       
      My grandfather has two wooden legs. There was a fire
      at his house last night and he burned to the ground."  
       
      Henry

      ***
       
      Hi Howdy,
       
      I very much enjoy your web letter, which is certainly
      excellent and whose format is touching genus. 
       
      Sincerely in Christ,
      LaVay

      +++
       
      Dear Howdy,
       
      Two Peanuts Going Down The Street, One Was Assalted...
       
      Dan

      +++

      Dear Howdy,
       
      Compaq is considering changing the command
      "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" on computers
      sold to UNC students because of the flood of calls
      asking where the "Any" key is.
       
      Mel G.

      +++

      Hello Howdy, 
       
      What does FAQ stand for? (I am  
      Frequently Asked this Question,  
      but I really have no idea).      
       
      Bob (UNC) 

       

       

      Please note that our policy allows for us to receive threats
      on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...

                                       
      ===============
       

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