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***Thought & Humor*** May 9 2004 Edition - For Educational Purposes Only

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  • urda1-2day@juno.com
    Please do not reply to this mailing address unless you wish to unsubscribe and make HOWDY CRY. Replies to sent address are not read by humans - only Yahoo.
    Message 1 of 1 , May 9, 2004
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      Please do not "reply" to this mailing address unless you wish to unsubscribe
      and make HOWDY CRY. Replies to sent address are not read by humans - only
      Yahoo. Write Howdy anytime about your life/viewpoint at his address below...
       
       

                
                           Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper 
                                featuring
      'Thought & Humor'
                                                                     by Howdy
                      
                                         
       
                                                         
       
      ===============

       
      A UNC freshman opened a box
      of animal crackers and spread
      them all over her desk.
       
      "What are you doing?" her room-
      mate asked.
       
      "Well it says you can't eat them
      if the seal is broken,"  she ex-
      plained. "So, I'm looking for the seal."
       
       

      ===============
       
          
           Riddles:



      1) As I went through a garden gap,  
               who should I meet but Dick Red-Cap!  
               A stick in his hand,  
               a stone in his throat,  
               If you tell me this riddle,  
               I'll give you a groat.  
               What Am I?  

      2)  My first is a number, my second another,  
      And each, I assure you, will rhyme with the other.  
      My first you will find is one-fifth of my second,  
      And truly my whole a long period reckoned.  
      Yet my first and my second (nay, think not I cozen),  
      When added together will make but two dozen.  
      How many am I?  

      3)  I sit and face you and you stare right back.
      You say nothing to me for I do not understand,
      but you understand all of what I say if you want to.
      I never move but I can make you feel any number of
      different emotions but mostly none at all,
      then you leave without saying goodbye.


                                              (Answers are located below)
                                       If you can't find the answers below:
                                 http://groups.yahoo.com/group/howdy_text_only/messages

      ===============


       
                'Text-Only' Edition has no color cartoon here - and it was funny...
      ===============
       
      I know it's just a diet, but my body thinks it's famine.
       
       

      ===============
                             
                                
      Read what you have time for below & save the
      residuum for a stormy/blustery/dilatory interval
      while the charming/exquisite/charming vernal
      equinox is bursting out all over...


      ===============
       
       
       
             
       
       
      If you aspire to unsubscribe & bid farewell
      to all this jocosity & rumination - thwack your
      "reply" button & send. You will automatically
      be unsubscribed by Yahoo & Howdy will have
      a keen! If this doesn't work, write me (with the
      subject line from this edition) and I will personally
      remove your name.  If you use a forwarding
      address, I will need that also:o)

       
       
            Please do not "reply" to this edition
            for communications with Howdy -
            he WILL NOT open or respond
            to “reply” email. That's for Yahoo's
            Unsubscribing Department use only.
            A separate contact address is listed
            just below for your convenience.
                          Thank you.
       
       
       

       
      ===============
       
       


       
      Dearest Howdy,

      Please continue to send me "Thought and Humor" - it's just what
      I need on those days when laughter is the only medicine!!

      Teresa Kimrey
      University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
      Chapel Hill, NC



       

      ===============

                       

      Do you ever open the refrigerator and stare at everything? Some-
      times I just don't know what to make for dinner. I'll stand there forever
      hoping something jumps out at me.
       
      Cooking by numbers will help out when you're at a loss for recipes.
      It lists a bunch of common ingredients. Place a check in the box next
      to the ingredients that you have in your refrigerator and pantry. Based
      on what you have in the kitchen, it will list a number of recipes
      you can make.
       
      ttp://www.cookingbynumbers.com/frames.html
       
      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line}
       
       
       

       
      ===============


       
      ===============


                                                         

      Choose the word or phrase that best completes
      the meaning of each sentence.  
                  The answers are at the bottom.  

      1. Amanda _____ her daughter for putting the cat in the  
      washing machine.  

      a. expropriated  
      b. disfranchised  
      c. coerced  
      d. broached  
      e. chastised  

      2. David's salary was _____ his very limited skills; he was  
      paid nothing.  

      a. as vapid as  
      b. tenable despite  
      c. vehement in view of  
      d. commensurate with  
      e. acerbic notwithstanding  

      3. After several decades of peace, the little country grew  
      _____ about defense and let its army slowly drift away.  

      a. complacent  
      b. partisan  
      c. catholic  
      d. adamant  
      e. dissolute  

      4. None of us had enough money to undertake the project  
      alone, so we had to depend on the _____ of our parents.  

      a. postulate  
      b. vilification  
      c. largess  
      d. hedonism  
      e. veracity  

      5. The court ruled that Ursula's covert discussions with the  
      Russian ambassador did not _____ treason.  

      a. comprise  
      b. abnegate  
      c. libel  
      d. broach  
      e. constitute   


       

      ===============

       

       
      ***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***
      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below.
          Even French students can do it...


       


      ===============

                            
       
       
       


      The UNC* math prof saw that a student wasn't paying
      attention in class. He called on him and said, "John!
      What are 4, 2, 28, and 44?"
       
      John quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, ABC and the
      The Fox News Network!"
       
      ________
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.

      ===============
       
       


                                       
      Sue told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for
      fifty-thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa
      there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance doesn't work quite like that.
      We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you
      with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before
      Sue replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

       
       


      ===============

       

       
       
      A UNC student gave up on Computing Dating after she
      was stood up by two mainframes, a mini, and a laptop
       
       
       
       

       
      ===============
       
       

            
               
      The first known newspaper was the free "Acta Diurna" (Daily
      Happenings), which was a hand-lettered gazette in ancient Rome,
      published from 59 B.C. to A.D. 222.  It was mostly a record of what
      happened in political meetings.

      The second newspaper was published about 1,300 years ago in China. It
      was called the "Tching-Pao" (News Of The Capital).  The government
      used it to distribute news of events and decisions.

      The first periodical publications with dated front pages were
      released in Europe in the 1620s.  London's Morning Post began
      circulating in 1772.  Then came the London Times, which is still
      being published today.  Today, more than 600 million people buy a
      paper every day.

      A history of newspapers in Great Britain:
       
      {Double click on the web address above for additional information:} 

       
       
       
      ===============


        ***TEST YOUR WORD KNOWLEDGE? ***
                           
      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
       
      1. prelapsarian  A. To affirm or declare positively or earnestly  
      2. levity             B. Constituting a separate thing  
      3. asseverate    C. To dress up  
      4. diffident         D. Stubbornly disobedient or contrary  
      5. prink             E. Lacking self-confidence  
      6. niggle           F. Pertaining to or characteristic of the  
                                  time or state before the Fall  
      7. discursive    G. Passing from one topic to another  
      8. quaff            H. Lightness of manner or speech  
      9. discrete        I. To criticize or find fault continually  
      10. froward       J. To drink something in large gulps  

                                 (answers below)                     


      ===============
       
       


      Mulling over the menu in a restaurant near
      the UNC campus, I asked the waitress if
      the roast beef was rare. 
       
      The waitress gave me a stare and replied,
      "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."
       
       

       
      ===============
       
       
      ===============





                      
      Throughout the animal kingdom, there is a general relationship
      between an animal's size and how fast its heart beats: the larger
      the animal, the slower its heart beats.  An adult blue whale with a
      heart the size of a small car has one of the slowest heart rates of all.
       
      Researchers have been able to record whale heartbeats directly by
      listening to them from inside of submarines.  When it is at the
      surface, a whale typically has a heart rate of about five or six
      beats per minute.  When it dives, the whale's heart slows down to
      about three beats per minute. What an amazing Creator the whale has!
       
      The whale's heart slows down when it dives in order to save oxygen,
      and to keep the precious substance in the central body rather than
      letting it get used up in the fins, skin, and other outer body parts.
       
      Blue Whale Info:
      http://www.earthwindow.com/blue.html
      http://www.acsonline.org/factpack/bluewhl.htm
       
       





      ===============
       
                           
       
      "Thought & Humor" has been  read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!
       
       
      ===============
       
       
       

       
      The graduate with a Science degree from Vanderbilt asks, "Why does it
      work?" Graduates with an Engineering degree from N.C.State asks, "How
      does it work?" Grads with an Accounting degree U. of Mich. asks, "How
      much will it cost?" The UNC Art School graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
       
       
       
       


      ===============

                              
       
      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:



       Howdy's address:       your-bestfriend4u@...




      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown. Tell us what's happening in your locale!!!
       
      Warning: Please do not send political correspondence - these sometimes
      slip stealthily past our editor.  We have a very strict policy forbidding
      posting of any political material in this section.  If your copy contains
      such, please be advised that your copy may have been an early
      edition and that it was doffed from all ensuing editions.




      Dear Howdy;
       
      Enjoyed the May 1st edition, good variety and lots of laughs!!
       
      The "If I knew" article really makes you think twice; makes you
      want to SLOW DOWN/STOP and smell the roses!!!
       
      Thanks
      Ruth 
       

      +++

      Howdy,

       My fiance gets Howdy at work.  He is always telling me
      something funny that was in his "Howdy".  I cant wait on
      him to get to work to get the funny things!  I am in Baltimore,
      Maryland.  We all need some humor on a daily basis.  Makes
      the day go better!!

      Melissa


      +++

      Dear Howdy, I found a great web site that you may like to share with your readers:
      http://www.creationevidence.org
       
      In Christ-
      R.
       
      +++
       
      Dear Howdy, I enjoy howdy immensely however I can't read the parts in script as
      they come in a very small font also I am getting some pieces in wingdings and
      unable to appreciate the article/joke/quote hidden therein is there a way
      I can enjoy these otherwise unreadable pieces
       
      Jim M
      Eagleby QLD AUSTRALIA
       
      +++
       
      Hi Howdy, You are so amazing!!! Thank you so much for your help! 
      It was not necessary at all but it is much appreciated!!  Oh,
      and I am a sophomore to answer your original question. 
      Thank you so much again!
      Leigh Anne
       
      +++
       
      Dear Howdy,
       
      A man by the name of Tates designed the very first compass  
      for large-scale production and sale in the United States.  
      It was a very significant achievement, but alas, it proved  
      not to be too reliable and many people who relied on it  
      became hopelessly lost. It did however, cause a saying which  
      is very much in use today to be developed...  

      He who has a Tates is lost.  
      Jimmy B.

      ***
       
      Dear Howdy, I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent  
      Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing  
      on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a  
      weapon.  
      Tommy C.

      +++
       
      Dear Howdy, Shorter version would be great, we enjoy the humor. We are
      on a four-year old computer that is rather slow. Thanks again. By the way,
      seeing all your Chapel Hill humor, we're Wake Forest fans--Go Deacs!
      Nancy
       
      +++

      Howdy, I am a student and I have to write a paper on the religious
      tones of the presidential election and how it has and will
      affect the public and the outcome.  I found your article
      very interesting and expressing some opinions that I might
      like to incorporate into my arguments.  I am asking your
      permission to use your work and I also am asking for Works
      Cited information such as author, publication
      information....I'm not sure how it works with online
      publications.  Thanks so much and keep up the good work.  I enjoy it!
      L @ Vanderbilt 
       
      +++

      Dear Howdy,
       
      Your website came to my daughter at DePauw and has really been a plus
      to her in laughter and insights.  It is GREAT and Thanks again!
       
      Kim

      +++

      Dear Howdy, I am sorry that people thought you were controversial, the articles too
      long,etc.I loved you the way you were.(But I will still  love you I'm sure).
       
                                                           Jerry G
       
      (64 year old non controversial dude from Tennessee) 


      +++

      Dear Howdy,
       
      Please read the following:
       
      WASHINGTON, May 4 (UPI) -- Sen. John Kerry's accounts of his service
      in Vietnam and his statements that he witnessed atrocities were attacked
      as fabrications and political opportunism Tuesday by a group of Vietnam
      veterans who served with him personally or in the units affiliated with him
      during his short tour of duty in Southeast Asia.

      The veterans, including some of Kerry's former commanders and shipmates,
      have formed an organization called "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" and
      called on the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee to authorize
      release of all his service records, including medical records.

      "We feel it is very, very import that the American people get the actual
      truth about that three or four months Kerry served in Vietnam since he has
      made it a center piece of his biography," said John O'Neill, who took charge
      of Kerry's boat and crew after Kerry left Vietnam. "Second, we resent very
      deeply the false war crimes charges he made coming back from Vietnam. ...
      We think that those have cast aspersion on those living and dead.

      "We think he knew he was lying when he made them. We think they are
      unsupportable. We intend to bring the truth about that to the American
      people. Third, we believe that based on our experience with him, he is
      totally unfit to be commander in chief."    
      http://xrl.us/bzci

      Many thanks,
      M.H.

      +++

      Dear Howdy,
       
      Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick
      to commit suicide.

      Let's see now No Wal-Mart, No television, No cheerleaders, N
      o baseball,
      No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties.

      No Home Depot.

      No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish,
      or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya.

      More than one wife.

      Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy
      next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant
      wailing from the guy in the tower.

      No chocolate chip cookies.

      No Christmas.

      You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash
      off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

      The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. If they
      reveal so much as an ankle, they are beaten by fanatic males.

      Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey,
      but your donkey has a better disposition.

      Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

      I mean, really,   IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE!!!!
      David


      +++

      Dear Howdy,      
       
           A new twist on a theme of concern.  I've thought for a long time
      this is what should happen.

            So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the
      words "In God We Trust" to be on our money, then, so be it;

            And if the Supreme Court determines that it is against the law for the
      words "under God" to be in the Pledge of Allegiance, then, so be it;

            And if the supreme court in their infinite wisdom decides that it is
      okay to burn the flag which so many of our citizens have given up their
      lives for to protect and honor...so be it !!

            And if that same government decides that the "Ten
            Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation,
      then, so be it.

            And since they already have prohibited any prayer in the schools,
            of which they deem their authority, then so be it.

            BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

            I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter.

            I'd like the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good
      Friday & Easter as well as Sundays.

            I'd like the Senate and the House of representatives to not have to
      worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break."

            I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all
      government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter.

            It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any
            other days of the week to a government that is trying to be
            "politically correct".

            This would not affect any "non-governmental" business since everyone
      else still has the freedom of religion, we could all still
            enjoy our holidays.

            So I guess if they continue to bow to the wishes of the few, and
            if this e-mail gets out to the right people, maybe they would bow to
      the wishes of the many.

            So be it............

                  Cheers,

                  JB


      +++

      Hello Howdy,  Your emails are witty and insightful.  They brighten my day.
       
      Thanks!
       
      Cali girl :)

       

       

      Please note that our policy allows for us to receive threats
      on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...

                                       
      ===============
       
       
       
       
       
          -Animal facts-
       
      - Elephant tusks can weigh more than 300 lbs.
      - Snakes of all species shake their tails when emotionally
        aroused, but only the rattlesnake has a noisemaker.
      - Gila monsters hold reserve food supplies in their tails.
      - Some spider webs, it straightened out, would stretch 300 miles or more.
      - Sahara desert fish have been caught in streams that flow
        beneath the surface.
       
       
       
       
       
      ===============
       
       
       
       
       
       
      Dear Tech Support:
       
      Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
      noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and
      jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the
      Boyfriend 5.0 system.
       
      In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
      programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable
      programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
       
      Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
      simply crashes the system.
       
      I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
      no avail.
       
      What can I do?
       
      Signed,
       
      Desperate
       
       
       
       
       
       
      ===============

       
       
       
       


              Snacks. Oh, I know a lot of them aren't the most healthy stuff in
      the world to put in your body. But when you're driving, I view them as
      something that helps with an essential function - staying alive. As in
      staying awake at the wheel, you know. A number of times I've asked my
      wife to open up some cookies or some chips or some other goodies for
      me - only to find when she passed them to me that they weren't all there.
      At first, I thought maybe the company had robbed me. No. No, see, I had
      only to look across the seat to the passenger side to find the culprit: the
      woman I love. The crumbs on her lip and the chewing in her mouth is my
      first clue. Our conversation predictably goes like this: I'll say, "What happened?"
      Then, with a whimsical smile, she'll answer: "Tax. There was a, uh, small service
      tax." Right.

              It's no big deal when your spouse snitches a little of what's yours.
      It's a very big deal when you do that with something that belongs to God.
      Which a whole lot of us do, maybe without even knowing it. That's why we
      need the story in our word for today from the Word of God. It's in 1 Samuel
      2, beginning with verse 12. It's more than a story, actually. It's a
      sobering warning.

              Eli was the Jewish Chief Priest, and the Bible says, "Eli's sons
      were wicked men; they had no regard for the Lord. Now it was the practice
      of the priests with the people that whenever anyone offered a sacrifice and
      while the meat was being boiled, the s

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