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***Thought & Humor*** Mar 2, 2004 Edition - Don't Miss THE MOVIE For The World - Afterwards - Read THE BOOK

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  • goodnews4u2u@juno.com
    Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper featuring Thought & Humor by Howdy =============== A UNC grad goes to a job interview. The boss says, I ll give you 8
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 1, 2004

                           Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper 
      'Thought & Humor'
                                                                     by Howdy

      A UNC grad goes to a job interview. The boss says,
      "I'll give you 8 dollars an hour starting today, and in
      three months, I'll raise it to 12 dollars an hour.
      So when would you like to start?"
      The UNC grad replies, "So how 'bout 3 months from now?"


      1) I am a kind of door through which no one can pass.  
      You can see me and I am sometimes wide open  
      and sometimes small and cozy.  
      What Am I?  

      2) WHERE IS ZIP CODE 12345?

      3) Take one out and scratch my head,
          I am now black but once was red.
          What am I?

      4) There are 2 ducks in front of 2 other ducks.
          There are 2 ducks behind 2 other ducks.
          There are 2 ducks beside 2 other ducks.
          How many ducks are there?

      5) Can you decipher this famous nursery rhyme?
      A young male human was situated near the intersection of
      two supporting elements at right angles to each other;
      said subject was involved in ingesting a saccharine
      composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual
      observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival.
      Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable
      digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drop of
      genus Prunus. Subsequently, the subject made a declarative
      statement regarding the high quality of his character as a
      young male human.

      6) What is the closest relation that your father's sister's
      sister-in-law could be to you?

      7) What is as tall as a house
                     and round as a cup
                     and all the kings horses
                     could not draw it up?

      8) What 5-letter word using all capital letters looks the
      same upside down?

      9) Wheresoever I may be,
                  Every man must follow me;
                  He must go where I may lead,
                  Though it be to change his creed.
                  Though I vary in my size,
                  I am still beneath your eyes;
                  and though you may go astray,
                  I must ever lead the way.
                  Every creature in the land,
                  Has me close at his command,
                  For I lead to things unseen,
                  By my properties so keen.
                          What am I?

      10) What eats, breaths, and dies yet never lives?

      11) A perching barrel, filled with meat,
      Taking hits from leaps and dives.
      Look inside, but do not eat,
      The meat in there is still alive!

      12) A man is pushing his car. He stops in front of a hotel
      and immediately knows he is bankrupt. How did he know?

                                              (Answers are located below)
                                       If you can't find the answers below:



      "Doctor, can you help me? Every time I sit down I see visions  of  
      Mickey Mouse and Pluto, and then when  stand up I see Donald Duck!" 
      "I see. Tell me, how long have you been suffering these DISNEY spells?"

      Read what you have time for below & save the
      residuum for a snowy/blustery/dilatory time since
      the resplendent & effulgent foliage has cascaded
      to its wintry haven...


      Hello Howdy,

      I have no idea how I first ended up on your mailing list but
      I am sure glad you reached me!
      I would like to continue receiving your messages, so please
      sign me up on the new(?) list.
      Keep up the humor and the good work!

      Best regards
      Karina L.,MD,PhD student
      Dept.of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Lund University Hospital
      Center for Stem Cell Biology and Cell Therapy, Lund University




      *September, 1787
      The Constitution of the United States of America was signed by
      delegates from twelve states at the Constitutional Convention in
      Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The US Constitution is the world's oldest
      working Constitution.

      Photographs of the original Constitution:
      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line}



      Subscribe:  Join the jollity by sending an e-mail to:
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      Why is the Violence of Mel Gibson's
      Passion So Disturbing?

      The premier of Mel Gibson’s movie The Passion of the Christ last Wednesday
      may seem somewhat anti-climactic, after the firestorm of controversy it
      generated in the months leading up to its release. Some have praised the
      film as a cinematic masterpiece, while others have condemned it as an
      anti-Semitic propaganda. When he first saw the film, Pope John Paul II was
      reported to have declared, “It is as it was.” Billy Graham wept.

      One of the most controversial aspects of The Passion of the Christ is its
      graphic violence. The film is so bloody that even though it contains no foul
      language or sexual content, it was given an “R” rating.

      When he was asked about this prior to the film’s debut, Mel Gibson admitted
      that he had intentionally “pushed the envelope” in this area. One reason for
      this was historical. Gibson wanted the film to be as accurate as possible.
      But he also had a theological reason. “When you study the Old Testament”
      Gibson explained during a pre-release screening at Willow Creek Community
      Church, “you find that the sacrifices always required the shedding of
       blood.” The New Testament agrees.

      But what is it about the violence in The Passion of the Christ that makes it
      so disturbing? It’s not as if today’s audiences are unused to cinematic
      violence. Other R rated films, like the Matrix, are just as, if not more
      violent. The violence of the Matrix, however, is stylized and almost cartoon
      like. That of The Passion is shockingly realistic.

      But I don’t think that this is the real reason we find the blood of The
      Passion so unsettling. Listening to the audience gasp as they watched the
      scourging of Jesus, I realized how sanitized my perception of Christ’s
      suffering really is. Wincing along with the rest as each stroke of the lash
      fell, it dawned on me that my own mental image of Christ on the cross is of
      one who has been virtually unmarred by His suffering.

      Perhaps this is a result of my Protestant background. Gibson’s stress on the
      suffering of Christ in The Passion is a reflection of his Roman Catholic
      heritage, with its emphasis on the continual sacrifice of Christ in the
      mass. Protestantism, on the other hand, emphasizes the finished work of
      Christ. The difference between the two is reflected in the most important
      symbols for these two faith systems: the crucifix and the bare cross.

      Evangelicalism emphasizes the risen, rather than the suffering, Christ
      because the Scriptures declare that Jesus offered His body as a sacrifice
      for sin “once for all” (Heb. 7:27; 10:10). Having suffered once, He does not
      need to suffer again (Heb. 9:26).

      Watching the violence portrayed in The Passion of the Christ I found myself
      wishing that He could have avoided the pain. Reading of its significance in
      the New Testament I realize how grateful I am that He did not.
         John Koessler

      Please write me & let me know what you
      thought of the movie & how it affected you
      and those with you...
      Your Devoted Friend,



      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below.
          Even French students can do it...



      The UNC* math professor saw that a sophomore wasn't
      paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 
      "What are 3, 4, 28 and 44?" 

      The sophomore quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, Weather
      and the Cartoon Network
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.


      Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and
      faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer.
      Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles
      1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person)  
      2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character)  
      3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person)  
      4. MOW BEAD HICK (book)  
      5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person)  
      6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (product)  
      7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing)  
      8. AISLE OH VIEW (phrase)  
      9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (TV show)  
      10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (person)  
      11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person)  
      12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place)  
      13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character)  
      14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie)  
      15. BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character)
      (answers hidden below)


      Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online,
      'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
      through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail
      address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique
      blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your
      weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic 
      but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious
      and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....


      by John D. Martin, Ph.D.
      Evidence is mounting that the earth didn't develop by accident. But the more
      the evidence points to God, the more desperately some academics try to deny it.
      {Double click on the web address above for additional information:} 




      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
      1. impinguate    A. A formal defense or justification  
      2. acme            B. Conspicuously and outrageously bad  
      3. cosset          C. To treat as a pet  
      4. conurbation   D. Pertaining to or covered with dandruff  
      5. apologia       E. To fatten  
      6. pandiculation F. Stretching and yawning  
      7. firmament      G. The highest point of something  
      8. scurfy            H. An aggregation or continuous network of urban communities  
      9. egregious      I. One who strolls about aimlessly  
      10. flaneur         J. The region of the air  

                                 (answers below)                     


      Permission is hereby granted for you to change all
      humor used in The"E-Mail Newspaper", 'Thought
      & Humor' and its subsidiaries related to the institution
      of lower learning hereby known as UNC to another
      of your choice from the list below:

      1) French university students
      2) Harvard or U.C.-Berkeley
      3) Any accredited high school or middle school
      4) Any Loggerheads & Pundits
      5) Any and all persnickety individuals or nincompoops
      6) Any Chapel Hill, NC Citizen unless same sends an offspring
      to Samford, NCSU, JSU, MSU. UGA, or FSU.


      In the early days of the Indian Territory, there were no such
      things as birth certificates. You being there was certificate
      enough."  --Will Rogers

      "Thought & Humor" has been  read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!

      I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure...

      No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway...

      Boycott shampoo...  Demand REAL poo!


      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:

       Howdy's address:       your-bestfriend4u@...

      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown. Tell us what's happening in your locale!!!

      Dear Howdy,
      How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
      but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?


      Dear Howdy, I decided to jot a note to you and tell you how much I
      enjoy reading your e-newspaper.  I am not sure just how my name
      got on your mailing list, but I have been very glad that it did. 
          I have especially enjoyed your Carolina jokes.  I graduated from
      Asheville High School and thought that there could possibly NEVER
      be any "intellectual" types attend NC State, and so I decided to go to
      UNC!  The ironic part about my choice is this:   During the summer
      after my freshman year, I met my Alabamian husband in Asheville (he
      was in anesthesia school) and after a very short sophomore year, I
      dropped out of Carolina to marry him!  I probably would have stayed
      there, but it was SO LIBERAL that he could not tolerate it, not even
      long enough for me to graduate (in 1975).  In fact, in the election of
      1972, you may recall that Orange County was the only NC county where
      George McGovern carried the majority of votes! (I was 19 that year!) 
      Here is the irony ---In 1979, I graduated from a fellow "cow college" -
      Auburn University!  It was a wonderful experience for me, being among
      the vets, ag majors and such.  We attended a little church located between
      two mobile home parks which housed many of the vet students at Auburn.
          I did not mean to ramble, but your paper always brings back memories
      for me.  Thank you for your boldness to speak for Christ and to disseminate
      truth.  Thanks for the jokes, riddles and other information too!  I can even
      change the jokes to make them "BAMA" funnies.

      Dear Howdy,
      I thoroughly enjoy the humor and thought-provoking material.
      Is it possible to receive your material in a text-only format without
      attachments?  It is taking my machine an extremely long time in
      down-loading because of the graphic material which I cannot access
      presently. Regardless, keep up the good work. 


      Dear John,

      Yes, write for details to address above...

      Your Devoted Friend,
      Dear Howdy, I enjoy reading your material, and fully endorse your
      political views and effort to use this as a means of proclaiming the
      gospel.  Keep up the good work.  Charles
      Dear Howdy,
      I really love your email newspaper and I totally agree
      with you on all your views. 
      Please delete me from your mailing list.  I get over 100 emails
      per day and do not even have time to answer the ones that pertain
      to my work for sorting through the ones I can do without.  I am very
      private about my religion, faith and spirituality.  So no one is going to
      convert me to anything I am not already.
      Sue P.
      Dear Sue P., If you happen to ever give your life to the
      One who loves you so much that He died for you, you
      will find that He instructed His followers to be very public
      about their religion, faith & spirituality...
      Your Devoted Friend,
      P.S. "Unsubscribe" info is at the end of this & every 'Thought & Humor".


      Dear Howdy,
      Re: The Passion of the Christ
      I was deeply touched.  Everyone walked out of the
      theater in awe and with much reverence.  
      The pastor had an altar call after the movie and
      7 accepted the Lord as their Saviour.   
      It did the job!!!  Souls Saved!!!   Glory to God!!! 
      A Must See!!!
      Ruth (Realtor - CA)


      Dear Howdy,
      You are a smart one . . . sly, but smart. Every now
      and then you make real good sense. Like most of the time.
      J.B. (Retired Prof)


      Dear Howdy,
       I do not envy your responsibility that you have taken on.
      You evidently understand "the beginning of Wisdom".
      Praying for you seems very important now. Not just a
      courteous "I'll keep you in my prayers". I do not believe
      I could handle the stress of what you do. Most people
      have no clue.
      Thanks Howdy.
      Your friend and brother In Christ,


      Hello Howdy, 
      Many years ago I watched a movie with Paul Newman. "Cool Hand Luke"
      The famous line was "What we have here is a failure to communicate."
      Today we are told the same thing. Communication is rarely the problem.
      The real problem with Cool Hand Luke was that he was rebellious and the
      Boss was a tyrant. In the end Luke said the line mocking the Boss and
      was shot for it.
      Today we do not really want to be understood. We want what Adam and
      Eve wanted. To be like God and to know good and evil.
      We want to make a lot of money without working.
      We want to eat without gaining weight.
      We want to sin with impunity.
      We want to be God.
      "What we have here is a refusal to communicate ...and a refusal to obey.



      Please note that our policy allows for us to receive
      threats on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...

                               'Thought & Humor is a reader supported outreach.
                                       Text-Only readers may write for details:O)
      How Many Do You Remember??
      Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
      Ignition switches on the dashboard.
      Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
      Real ice boxes.
      Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
      Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
      Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.


                 Thanksgiving dinner in Baghdad! That's not many folks' dream way to
      spend Turkey Day. But for some American soldiers, Thanksgiving 2003 may
      be one of the more memorable holidays of their lives. That was the day the
      President of the United States joined them for Thanksgiving Dinner -
      actually helped serve them Thanksgiving Dinner. In the aftermath of the Iraq
      War, Baghdad was still not a very secure place, so the President's visit
      came as a total surprise, a total secret from the press. Many American
      soldiers were feeling the weight of an extended tour of duty and, for many,
      the sudden appearance of their President was a real morale boost. As GIs
      have learned in previous wartime visits from other Presidents, there's
      something re-energizing about a personal visit from your Commander-in-Chief.

              You may not be on any military front lines, but the battles you've
      been fighting are taking their toll on you. Maybe you've been shot at, run
      down, there hasn't been much of a break in the action, and you've got some
      serious combat fatigue. In fact, it feels like you're losing the battle
      right now. You need some personal time with your Commander-in-Chief. No, not
      the President. No human leader can hold a candle to your Commander. He is,
      according to the Bible, the King of all kings - King Jesus.

              In our word for today from the Word of God in Luke 24, beginning
      with verse 13, two of Jesus' foll

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