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***Thought & Humor*** Feb 3, 2004 Edition - All of the excitement of the SUPER BOWL WITH NONE OF THE N.U.D-I.T.Y...

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  • goodnew2u@juno.com
    Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper featuring Thought & Humor by Howdy =============== Q: Why did the UNC Med Student take an art class? A: Because she wanted to
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 3, 2004
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                           Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper 
                                featuring
      'Thought & Humor'
                                                                     by Howdy
                      
                                         
       
                                                         
       
      ===============

       
      Q: Why did the UNC Med Student take an art class?
       
      A: Because she wanted to learn how to draw blood!
       

      ===============
       
          
          Riddles:



      1) In marbled halls as white as milk
               Lined in a skin as soft as silk
               In a liquid, crystal clear
               A golden apple doth appear
               There are no doors to this stronghold
               Yet thieves break in to steal the gold
               What am I?

      2)  Rearrange the letters of the following phrase to give
            the name of a large place in the USA:

              VIEWING A STIR

      3)  In this limerick, which concerns a young man at UNC 
           all the A's, P's, R's, I's and L's have been omitted,
           nearly 50 in all. Can you replace them?

           vte te, on de,
           ceesy shoudeed sde.
           ced sge: "Stnd t ese,
           esent ms, f you ese.
           vet Gss hs new knd of bde!"


                                              (Answers are located below)
                                       If you can't find the answers below:
                                 http://groups.yahoo.com/group/howdy_text_only/messages
       

      ===============


       
                'Text-Only' Edition has no color cartoon here - and it was funny...
      ===============

       
       
      I don't need beauty sleep, I need a coma.
       
       

      ===============
                             
                                
      Read what you have time for below & save the
      residuum for a snowy/blustery/dilatory time since
      the resplendent & effulgent foliage has cascaded
      to its wintry haven...


      ===============

       
       
      Dear Howdy,
       
      Please continue to send me "Thought and Humor" -
      it's just what I need on those days when laughter is
      the only medicine!!

      Teresa K.
      University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
      Chapel Hill, NC


       

      ===============

                       

      *WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
       
                 
      http://boundless.org/features/a0000855.html
       
      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line}
       

       
      ===============



      Subscribe:  Join the jollity by sending an e-mail to:
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                                                 (You may remain anonymous if you wish.)

       
      ===============


                                                         

      Q: What is smarter than a talking horse?
       
      A: A spelling bee.


       

      ===============

       
      ***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***
      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below.
          Even French students can do it...



      ===============

                            

      A UNC* grad goes to the doctor and tells him she hurts
      all over.  "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I
      touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head,
      ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."

      The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're
      a UNC grad, aren't you?"

      The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am.
      How did you know?"

      The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."
       
       
      ________
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.

      ===============

                                       

      'Thought & Humor' -  often polemical but
      never tasteless/unrefined/uncouth/ribald.



      ===============

       
       
      Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online,
      'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
      through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail
      address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique
      blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your
      weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic 
      but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious
      and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....
       

       
      ===============
            
               

      Address Change

      Don't be without 'Thought & Humor' this teeth-chattering  Winter
      should your address (college students, military, rich people, etc.)
      change. Subscribe your new address:

      your-bestfriend4u@...


      It's hard to impress the opposite sex without 'Thought & Humor'
      combined with moonlight, candlelight dinners, ocean breezes,
                                        and Howdy...

       
      ===============


        ***TEST YOUR WORD KNOWLEDGE? ***

      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
       
      1. improvident     A. A vague feeling of discomfort in the body  
      2. gustatory         B. To express strong disapproval of
      3. skookum         C. First rate; the best
      4. acquiesce       D. To march out into the open
      5. jocular            E. Lacking foresight or forethought
      6. debouch        F. A piano composition
      7. ignavia          G. To accept or consent passively or without objection
      8. malaise         H. Idleness, laziness
      9. klavierstuck   I. Of or pertaining to the sense of taste
      10. excoriate    J. Given to joking or jesting
                                 (answers below)                     


      ===============

      Permission is hereby granted for you to change all
      humor used in The"E-Mail Newspaper", 'Thought
      & Humor' and its subsidiaries related to the institution
      of lower learning hereby known as UNC to another
      of your choice from the list below:

      1) French university students
      2) Harvard or U.C.-Berkeley
      3) Any accredited high school or middle school
      4) Any Loggerheads & Pundits
      5) Any and all persnickety individuals or nincompoops
      6) Any Chapel Hill, NC Citizen unless same sends an offspring
      to Samford, NCSU, JSU, MSU. UGA, or FSU.


       
      ===============
       
       
      ===============





                      
           A Week's Worth Of GREAT Reading Just For You!!!
                                    Howdy's address:
                          your-bestfriend4u@...





      ===============
       
                           
       
      "Thought & Humor" has been  read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!
       
       
      ===============

       
       
      MEL GIBSON'S "PASSION": THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD
      Silence. Absolute stunned silence. That was the reaction of 50 or so
      guests and journalists who watched a private screening in Washington,
      DC, of an unfinished version of "The Passion of the Christ," directed
      and produced by actor Mel Gibson.

       http://link.crosswalk.com/UM/T.asp?A1.42.18435.2.384007


      ===============
       
       
       
       
      A diner at a country inn in Chapel Hill, N.C.
      is shocked to see on the menu a dish of
      "hickory-smoked possum jowls in syrup."
      He summons a waiter to complain.

      The waiter looks at the menu. Then he flings
      it down and yells to the owner in the kitchen,
      "Hey, the printers for- got to translate the menu
      into French again!"
       
       
       
       
      ===============

                              
       
      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:



       Howdy's address:       your-bestfriend4u@...




      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown. Tell us what's happening in your locale!!!



      Howdy,

      What the world needs is more geniuses with humility,
      there are so few of us left.
       
      Oscar L.

      +++

      Dear Howdy,

      I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met
      a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic
      brands. Her name was 'Woman'.
       
      Steven W.
       
       
      +++
       
      Dear Howdy,
       
      Remember...a developer is someone who wants to build a house
      in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns
      a house in the woods.
       
      Dennis M.
       
      +++
       
      Hi Howdy,
       
      So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss
      rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

      And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been
      promoted again. And I swerved again.

      He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
      And I went into a tree.

      And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
      And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"

      Tommy C.
       

       

       

      Please note that our policy allows for us to receive threats
      on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...

                                       
      ===============
       
       
                   
       
      If you would like to help support  'Thought & Humor'
      please click on PayPal above. Your dollars/euros/pounds/yen
      are a vote for this publication to continue. Thanks!
                               'Thought & Humor is a reader supported outreach.
                                       Text-Only readers may write for details:O)
       
       
      ===============
       
       
       

      Bush cost me my job, my kids and my houses

      Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this
      past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in
      the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete
      with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad
      conditions.

      They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.

      This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the
      place where I had worked for 34 years.

      Not a single government program was there to help me.

      How can Bush call himself "compassionate?" Far worse, I lost two of my sons
      in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for
      what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is
      indescribable.

      While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also
      lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a
      Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with
      various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new
      career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a
      ground, all because of President Bush.

      And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my
      misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me
      in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me
      in the face and tell me you are a Christian. If I had any money left, I
      would donate it to the Democrat Party.

      If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and
      most importantly, my dear sons!

      Regards,
      Saddam Hussein



       

       
      ===============


       
       

                For many years, J. R. R. Tolkien's trilogy, Lord of The Rings, has
      fascinated thoughtful readers. Like C. S. Lewis (who was helped to Christ
      by Tolkien actually), Tolkien communicated spiritual truths through allegorical
      myths in a world called "Middle Earth." His works have now captured the
      imagination of people who had never heard of his books through three epic
      motion pictures based on them. At the heart of Lord of The Rings and its
      epic battles is the ring. It's a gold ring that is the key to enormous
      power - but a power that inevitably addicts the possessor to its power. That
      power ultimately corrupts and destroys the one who holds it so tenaciously.
      It is, in fact, called by one main character, not the ring, but "The
      Precious."

              The ring in Lord of the Rings is fantasy. The battle over "The
      Precious" is not. Because we all have something or someone in
      our life that is, for us, "The Precious." We can't let go of it. And like
      the ring in Tolkien's stories, the longer and more tightly we hold
      onto it, the more it slowly destroys us.

              Nowhere in Scripture is the battle over "The Precious" more
      graphically portrayed than in Abraham's march up the mountain to obey God's
      command: "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, who you love, and go to the
      region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there..." (Genesis 22:3). This was the son
      God had promised Abraham and Sarah. The one that they would have
      miraculously in their later years. The son Abraham had longed and waited
      for. The son through whom God had promised to make of Abraham a great
      nation. Surely, for Abraham, Isaac was, of all the things in his life, "The
      Precious."

              Yet, Abraham takes his "Precious" up that mountain and prepares to
      sacrifice him - until, at the last moment, God intervenes by supplying a ram
      in a thicket to be the sacrifice. And in Genesis 22, beginning with verse
      15, our word for today from the Word of God, the Bible says: "The angel of
      the Lord called to Abraham from heaven, and said, 'Because you have done
      this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you
      and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky, and through
      your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed
      Me."

              The blessing of God is for those who release their "Precious" to
      Him. Recently, after a meeting where I spoke, a lady came to me and said,
      "You may not remember speaking here about ten years ago, but I've never
      forgotten. You talked about relinquishing control to Jesus of the thing we
      held dearest. For me, that was my daughter - and I thought I had to keep my
      hands on her. But that night I ended up kneeling at the altar, tearfully
      releasing my daughter to the Lord." Then she told me what happened next.
      "The next day - the next day - my nine-year-old daughter came to me and
      said, 'Mom, I think God wants me to spend my life serving Him.'" The lady
      said, "I broke down in tears. Today, she's in a Christian college, preparing
      to serve God with her life. But it didn't happen, it couldn't happen, until
      I let go of what I cherished most."

              So what is that for you? What - or who - is your "Isaac," your
      "Precious"? You've been afraid what might happen to it if you released it to
      Jesus. The real issue is, Can Jesus be trusted?" Answer: Someone who loved
      you enough to die for you will never do you wrong. And your surrender of
      your "Precious" will do what your control of it could never do.

              You've held onto your "Precious" too long. It's not yours to hold.
      Whatever or whoever it is that you've thought you had to control, let it go.
      And see what can happen when you surrender your "Precious" to the Most
      Precious, Jesus - who loved you and gave Himself for you.       Ron Hutchcraft     

      Send any comments for Howdy to:
      If published in 'T & H', millions
      could see your annotation.

      Listen with RealAudio!
      http://www.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/ramhurl?p=pnm&f=/rhm/sounds/awwy/awwy4448.rm

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      ---------------------------------------------------------------------

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      with Jesus Christ, please call:

      1-888-NEED HIM.



      ===============

                        Rise & Shine   
                   

       
      ===============

      Your very own library

          http://bible.crosswalk.com/

      ===============

       
       
             Please forward this newspaper to your colleagues,
            
      friends, and family, and let them know they can
             subscribe by sending an e-mail to:
       

        
             your-bestfriend4u@...





      ===============



      HIJACKING STUDENT FEES
       
      Should students have to pay for causes they consider
      immoral--like abortion? Scott Southworth didn't think
      so, and he did something about it. 
       
      http://www.boundless.org/2002_2003/features/a0000723.html

       
      {Double click on the web address above for additional information:} 
       


      ===============


      Howdy says: "FORWARD TO FRIENDS & YOUR MAMA!"
      First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997
      Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture

      ===============
       
       


      A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
       
      "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
      there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you
      often."
       
       



      ===============

       
       "It is the duty of nations, as well as of men, to own
      their dependence upon the overruling power of God
      and to recognize the sublime truth announced in the
      Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those
      nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord."     
      -- President Abraham Lincoln
       
       
      ===============
       
       
       
       
      A UNC student  was careless when he installed software on his new laptop,
      and a virus infected the machine. It randomly inserted profanity
      in his e-mails. The owner did not realize what was happening until
      he had offended all of his friends. When he was told of the problem,
      he decided to punish the computer. First, he sprinkled highway deicing
      mixture on the power supply terminals to cause corrosion. Then, he
      scraped away the solder joints from the motherboard. He finished by
      throwing the computer from his hotel window. The next morning, he
      was arrested by the Chapel Hill Police and charged with a salted
      battery, breach of contacts, and making an obscene clone fall!
       
       

       
       
      ===============
       
       

      The Proverbs of Solomon: A wise son makes
      a glad father, But a foolish son is the grief of
      his mother.   Pr 10:1 - Show Context
       
       


      ===============
              
        
                                   TRIVIA:

        Chicago, Illinois was nicknamed the Windy City because
        of the excessive local bragging that accompanied the
        Columbian Exhibition of 1893. Chicago has actually been
        rated as only the 16th breeziest city in America.

                                   ***

        Seals can withstand water pressure of up to 850 pounds
        per square inch.

                                   *** 

        In 1944, Major Clark Gable's army discharge papers were
        signed by president-to-be Ronald Reagan, then a captain.

                                 ???

                              SOUNDS FISHY
       
        The spiny cheek, starsnout poacher, and monkeyface
        prickleback are all names of fish.

                                   ***

                               POOR GUY!

        William Henry Harrison served the shortest term of any
        U.S. president. He served only 32 days, from March 4 to
        April 4, 1841. He fell ill with pneumonia shortly after
        his inauguration and never recovered.

                                   ***
                  
                           STARS WARS FANATICS

        According to a 1997 poll, the average person in the U.S.
        has felt compelled to see the movie Star Wars an
        astonishing 6.7 times since its 1977 release, either in
        theaters or on TV.

                                   ***

      "The price of freedom is eternal vigilance."

      Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826), Third U.S. president


       
       

      ===============
       
               

      "TV News"
       
      A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming. "More
      on Democratic candidates in South Carolina primary at 10 P.M.,"
      he said.
       
      The ten-year-old boy looked at his father in disbelief and said,
      "I didn't know they could call Democratic politicians 'morons'
      on national television!"
       
       



      ===============


       
      There is simply no historic foundation for the position that the
      Framers intended to build the 'wall of separation' that was
      constitutionalized in Everson. The 'wall of separation be-
      tween church and state' is a metaphor based on bad history,
      a metaphor which has proved useless as a guide to judging.
      It should be frankly and explicitly abandoned.     
                  - - - Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court, William Rehnquist
       


      ===============


       
      Do you know why the UNC grad in California quit being Catholic?
       
      She went to Mass every Sunday, but eventually the air fares to Boston
      caused her to go bankrupt.




      ===============
       
       
       
       
      In Ohio, there's a six month waiting period for filing for divorce.
       
      However, there's only a 15 day waiting period to buy a handgun.
       
      It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work
      out our problems.
       
       
       
       


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