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***Thought & Humor*** Dec 2, 2003 Edition - Merry CHRISTmas

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  • Howdy
    Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper featuring Thought & Humor by Howdy =============== Two UNC students named Trish and Tina were walking down the street. Trish
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 1, 2003
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                                                 Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper
                                                     featuring 'Thought & Humor'
                                                                     by Howdy
                      
                                         
       
                                                         
       
      ===============

      Two UNC students named Trish and Tina were walking down the street.
      Trish noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.
      She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

      Tina said, "Let me look!" So Trish handed her the compact.

      Tina looked in the mirror then turned to Trish. "You silly girl...
      that's *me*!
       

      ===============
       
          
          Riddles:



      1) Often talked of, never seen,
                  Ever coming, never been,
                  Daily looked for, never here,
                  Still approaching, coming near.
                  Thousands for it's visit wait
                  But alas for their fate,
                  Tho' they expect me to appear,
                  They will never find me here.

                  What is this poem about?

      2)  Present somewhere in this slight confusion,
      Uniquely oblique in its direction,
      Zealously look and find the connection,
      Zigzagging unto the ultimate line,
      Lingering but briefly on its design.
      Inquisitive minds the truth soon complete.
      Nonchalantly you, too, can make ends meet,
      Glimpse opportunely and see the solution.

      Explain. Can you find the solution.

      3)  This is an annoying paragraph, in which you try and work out
      what is unusual about it. This paragraph has a quandary
      though. A solitary word has found a way to slink into this
      paragraph, to fox your fun, by going against all my jazzy
      plans. What is that word? Don't try to run a utility to
      assist you, that would spoil all of my attempts to absorb
      all of your avid skills in this mind blowing prank.


                                             (Answers are located below)
                                    If you can't find the answers below, write me:
                                             
      your-bestfriend4u@...
                                                              or
                                 http://groups.yahoo.com/group/howdy_text_only/messages

      ===============

       

      ===============
       
      Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
      So he can hoe, hoe, hoe.

       
       

      ===============
                             
                                
      Read what you have time for below & save the
      residuum for a rainy/blustery/dilatory time when
      the resplendent & effulgent foliage is cascading
      to its wintry haven...


      ===============

       
      Howdy,

      Please don't unsubscribe me. I don't know if I can go
      on if I don't receive Howdy any longer. I am sure, at
      bare minimum, I would suffer sever withdrawl.
      Thank You,
      K.M. (Notre Dame U.)

       

      ===============

                       

      *1925: World's first motel opened in California

      In the California city of San Luis Obispo, by the side of the highway
      that runs along the Pacific coast, the Milestone Motel was opened.
      It was the first motel: a type of hotel designed specifically for
      motorists to stop for the night in the course of an automobile trip.
      Later renamed the Motel Inn, it is still doing business today.

      California motel site, featuring the Motel Inn:
       
      http://www.sjsu.edu/faculty/wooda/motelcalifornia.html 
       
      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line}
       
      ===============



      Subscribe:  Join the jollity by sending an e-mail to:
                                                        your-bestfriend4u@...
                                                  (Place "SUBSCRIBE" in the subject).
                             (Open To ALL - Even Your Roommate/mom/friend/professor)

                              You may subscribe ANY friend you wish to beguile/regale.
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                                                (You may remain anonymous if you wish.)
       
      ===============


                                                              

      A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What
      would you do if you had to arrest your own wife's
      mother?" He said, "Call for backup." 


       

      ===============

       
      ***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***
      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below.
          Even French students can do it...



      ===============

                             

      It was the final answer for the big game show and the contestant
      was one question away from the big 1 million dollar prize.
       
      "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name
      two of Santa's reindeer."
       
      The contestant, a UNC* professor, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that
      she had drawn such an easy question.....no life line was needed.
       
      "Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
       
      The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their
      heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and
      the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you
      please explain.. 'Olive?!?'"
       
      "You know," the UNC Prof.  circled her hand forward impatiently and
      began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny
      nose.  And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed.  *Olive,*
      the other reindeer..."
       
      ________
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.

      ===============

                                                        

      'Thought & Humor' -  often polemical but
      never tasteless/unrefined/uncouth/ribald.



      ===============

       
       
      Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online,
      'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
      through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail
      address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique
      blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your
      weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic 
      but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious
      and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....

       
      ===============
            
               

      Address Change

      Don't be without 'Thought & Humor' this Christmas should
      your address (college students, military, rich people, etc.)
      change. Subscribe your new address:

      your-bestfriend4u@...


      It's hard to impress the opposite sex without 'Thought & Humor'
      combined with moonlight, candlelight dinners, ocean breezes,
                                  and Howdy...

       
      ===============


        * ARE YOU READY TO TEST YOUR WORD KNOWLEDGE? *

      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
       
      1. phytivorous       A. A talent for languages
      2. presentiment    B. To peel off
      3. sprachgefuhl    C. A section, piece, or segment
      4. abulia                D. Vegetable-eating
      5. zythepsary        E. Of keen penetration and judgment
      6. sagacious         F. Loss of the ability to act or to make decisions. 
      7. hortatory           G. A premonition
      8. desquamate    H. To change into a different shape
      9. tmema                I. A brewery
      10. transmogrify   J. Giving exhortation or advice

                                 (answers below)                     


      ===============

      Permission is hereby granted for you to change all
      humor used in The"E-Mail Newspaper", 'Thought
      & Humor' and its subsidiaries related to the institution
      of lower learning hereby known as UNC to another
      of your choice from the list below:

      1) French university students
      2) Harvard or U.C.-Berkeley
      3) Any accredited high school or middle school
      4) Any Loggerheads & Pundits
      5) Any and all persnickety individuals or nincompoops
      6) Any Chapel Hill, NC Citizen unless same sends an offspring
      to Duke, NCSU, JSU, MSU. UGA, or FSU.

      ===============





                      
           A Week's Worth Of GREAT Reading Just For You!!!
                                    Howdy's address:
                          your-bestfriend4u@...





      ===============
       
                          
       
      "Thought & Humor" has been  read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!
       
       
      ===============


       
       
      Two UNC grads were driving through Louisiana.  As they were
      approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing 
      about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and
      forth until they stopped for lunch.  As they stood at the
      counter, one UNC grad asked the manager, "Before we order,
      could you please settle an argument for us?  Would you
      please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
       
      The manager leaned over the counter and said,
      "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
       
       


      ===============

                             
       
      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:



       Howdy's address:       your-bestfriend4u@...




      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown. Tell us what's happening in your locale!!!


      Dear Devoted friend Howdy,

          You really are devoted. There is something beautiful in your desire to
      be and do the right thing. No one can be offended by that (even if we all
      end up being exhausted from typing elbow or something).

      Robert (duq.edu) 
       

      +++

      Howdy,
       
      Please send your weekly email to my daughter at the above
      listed address, I enjoy it very much and think she would also.
       
      Jan

      +++

      Dear Howdy,
      I4m a German student. The first time I got
      your e-mail was two months ago. I don4t
      know, how did you get my e-mail address,
      but I4m really happy about this. I like you
      because you make me smile and think!

      Thank you!

      Sonja

      +++
       
      Dear Howdy,
      Don't send any more of your insulting comedy.
      Gene Arnold (ferris.edu)
       
      +++
       
      "Warning: Unsubscribing could restrict one's opportunities for 
      ascertaining uninterrupted existence for same's quintessence."

      Why does every self-proclaimed Saviour of the world feel it neccessary
      to pester me about the salvation of my soul? Go away and stop sending
      unsolicited spam. I never signed up for your newsletter, and when following
      the unsubscribe instructions, I receive an error message that tells me I have
      never been subscribed to begin with. Take me off your list. I'm sick of having
      to telnet to my mail server just to avoid having to wait ten minutes for this tripe
      to download. You're an intelligent person; get a hobby other than annoying
      other people. God wants you to be productive. No, really productive, not just
      productive at ____ people off. Christianity is a peace-loving religion, and
      God is upset that you're haranguing people in its name. Have fun.

      -Adam Diehl (M.S.U.)
       
      +
       
      Hey Adam,
       
      Merry Christmas & please remember that God loved
      YOU enough to die for your sins & mine - He also
      wanted me to tell you at least once tHE gOOD nEWS -
      see GREAT COMMISSION.
       
      Your Devoted Friend,
      Howdy
       
      P.S. Sorry you had trouble with Yahoo's brilliant computers
      (I removed your address sadly).
       

      ***
       
      Dear Howdy,
       
      Thanks again for doing this massive outreach. 
      God bless you and your caretaker.

      Stefanie Gerdom

      +++

      Dear Howdy,
       
      When I was in college (just before the Civil War:o) in a Social
      Studies Class, we were required to read a book called Honest
      To God which was neither Honest or to God. The main premise
      of the book - as  I recall - was to state that Jesus (and therefore
      The Bible) never claimed that Jesus was God - His Divinity!
      As I read that book in those days, I opened my Bible and found
      many of these test which do discuss His Divinity as well as the
      Trinity: Gen 1:26, 32:24-30, Josh 5:1-15, Is 9:6 (my favorite),
      Zech 12:10b, John 1:1-14, 20:28, I Cor. 2:8, Mt 3:3, Heb 1:8
      and one on the Holy Spirit: Acts 5:3,4.
       
      One way that a liberal professor attempts to upset or challenge
      his students is to declare that the word Trinity never occurs in
      The Bible. Well, now everyone has the answer to that now.
      It's: WELL DUH... (respectfully - of course) neither do the words
      Christmas, Easter, and The Bible either but the CONCEPT is
      certainly taught in those (holy, infallible & inerrant) pages!!!
       
      Once, two Jehovah's Witness folks came to my door & I asked
      them about John 1 (cults such as JW's, Mormons, and Christian
      Science all have at least two things in common - a denial of the
      Deity of Jesus Christ and additions of some sort to The Bible).
      In the JW's version of the Bible, they change the articles (a, and,
      the) in John Chapter 1 from "and the Word was God" to "and the
      Word was A god".  The JW's acknowledged that Jesus was
      the Son of God but not God (to them). I then asked them what
      it meant in vs. 3 where it states that "all things were made by
      Him" and their reply was that they believed He created
      but that He wasn't God. Well the Bible caught them (and
      they realized it) in their own ignorance and unbelief because
      one of the basic dictionary definitions of God is Creator!
       
      Thank you once again for the opportunity to grow in fellowship
      with our Lord Jesus Christ, the Babe of Bethlehem, the Risen
      Savior & our Soon Returning King!!!
       
      Respectfully,
      L.H. Georgia

       
      +++
       
      Dear Howdy,
       
      A UNC student went into the Post Office and
      asked for 50 Christmas stamps. The clerk asked
      "What denomination?" The girl said, "Oh I didn't
      know it had come to this .. let me have 5 Catholics,
      10 Baptists, 20 Presbyterians, 10 Methodists and 5 Atheists."
       
      Well, I do try to help . . .
       
      JB 
       
       
      +++

      Howdy,
      A good friend referred me to you and said if I would request to
      be added to your e-mail address list you would do so.  So I'm
      asking....I would appreciate it very much...We've heard so many
      good things about your publication. Thanking you in advance, I am
       
      K P V
      Fort Wayne, Indiana 
       
       
      +++

      Dear Howdy,
      I LOVE your dog pictures at the beginning of your messages :)
      Happy Thanksgiving Howdy,
      JJ 

      +++

      Hi Howdy,

      I am not sure how I got on your list, but after a couple of years of reading
      NC humor I decided I didn’t have time to read long pages of humor anymore.
      I have often considered removing myself from the list, but for one reason or
      another never did. When I received this message today I was very grateful
      that I had remained on the mailing list. Thank you for your message of
      patriotism and the links defending Christianity.

      Your fellow citizen,

      Prof. Ken W.

      Lewis-Clark State College



       


      Please note that our policy allows for us to receive
      threats on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...

                                       
      ===============




           The saying is about as old as dirt - "While the cat's away, the mice
      will play." To the extent that's true, the mice don't usually announce that
      they're planning to exploit the cat's absence. But not so with one business
      in our town - no, no. I drove by there the other day and saw a new display
      on the big sign that's in front of the business. The sign said, "The boss is
      away, so we will play." Let's hope the boss doesn't come back early. Or
      maybe we should hope he does.

            The Bible provides that interesting perspective on life as it really
      is - the God who is the Boss we must all answer to is never away. Which
      ought to make us think twice about "playing."

              It's something Joseph understood very well - in the face of
      unbelievably strong temptation to take a detour from God's path. The story
      is told in Genesis 39, beginning with verse 2 - it's our word for today from
      the Word of God. Joseph's jealous brothers have conspired to have him sold
      into slavery in Egypt. By God's grace, the man who buys Joseph is Potiphar,
      the captain of Pharaoh's royal guard. Joseph gets a great job in a very nice
      place. The kind of situation many of us would have compromised to hang onto.
      Not Joseph.

              The Bible says, "The Lord was with Joseph and he prospered ... when
      his master saw that the Lord was with him ... he put him in charge of his
      household and entrusted to his care everything he owned." Then comes a
      powerful temptation. "Now Joseph was well built and handsome" - I think the
      word is "hunk" in Hebrew - "and after a while his master's wife took notice
      of Joseph and said, 'Come to bed with me!' But he refused. 'My master has
      withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then
      could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?' And though she spoke to
      Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her."

              We're looking at a pretty tempting temptation here. Lonely guy,
      attractive woman throwing herself at him, and he's so trusted that probably
      no one would ever know - except his Boss. Not Potiphar. The Lord God. Though
      God is nowhere to be seen, Joseph refuses on the basis that he cannot do
      "such a wicked thing and sin against God."

              Temptation is strong at times when we think we're anonymous, when we
      think no one will know, when sin offers an attractive way to meet a deep
      need. Some tragic, life-scarring mistakes have been made when a person
      was away from home, on vacation - with their guard down, enjoying some
      "downtime," or when they were drunk or high. The lie is that what we do when
      nobody's looking, when we're "off-duty" - hey, it doesn't really count. But
      God is still watching, the calculator is always running, and the consequences
      are always coming. And God blows away our "I'll get away with it" fantasy
      with one solemn Biblical guarantee - "Be sure that your sin will find you out"
      (Numbers 32:23). Just ask David. He took a brief vacation from God, said
      yes to the temptation to sleep with Bathsheba, and brought misery to
      himself and his family for the rest of his life.

              Message: sin is never worth it. And the Boss you will give account
      to is never away. The measure of a truly great man or woman of God is
      what they're like when it seems no one will know. The little plaque in our
      daughter's home sums it all up brilliantly in five little words that you can
      base a life on: "Live innocently. God is watching."      Ron Hutchcraft   

      Send any comments for Howdy to:
      If published in 'T & H', millions
      could see your annotation.

      Listen with RealAudio!
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      ---------------------------------------------------------------------

      To find out how you can begin a personal relationship
      with Jesus Christ, please call:

      1-888-NEED HIM.



      ===============

               
                   
      St. Francis had it right in his prayer:

      Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
      Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
      Where there is injury, pardon;
      Where there is doubt, faith;
      Where there is despair, hope;
      Where there is darkness, light, and
      Where there is sadness, joy.
      O Divine Master,
      Grant that I may not so much
      Seek to be consoled as to console;
      To be understood as to understand;
      To be loved as to love;
      For it is in giving that we receive;
      It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
      And it is in dying that we are born
           to eternal life.

       
      ===============

      Your very own library

       http://bible.crosswalk.com/

      ===============

       
             Please forward this newspaper to your colleagues,
             friends, and family, and let them know they can
           
        subscribe by sending an e-mail to:
       

        
             your-bestfriend4u@...





      ===============



      Character of the Cults
       http://www.probe.org/docs/charcults.html
       
      One of the fastest growing organizations today are the cults. 
      What accounts for the rise of the cults?  What are distinguishing
      characteristics of these groups?  These questions and more are
      answered in this article.
       
      {Double click on the web address above for additional information:} 
       


      ===============

      Howdy says: "FORWARD TO FRIENDS & YOUR MAMA!"
      First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997
      Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture


      ===============


      For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given: and the government
      shall be upon his shoulder: and His Name shall be called Wonderful,
      Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.
                         Isa 9:6 - Show Context

      (A picture of the Trinity hundreds of years before the birth of The Messiah in Bethlehem)

      ===============

       
       Pledge of Allegiance
       http://www.probe.org/docs/c-pledge.html
       
      Now that the Supreme Court has decided to review the ruling of the
      Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals concerning the Pledge of Allegiance,
      it might be good to review its history and begin to predict the
      judicial outcome.
       
       
      ===============
       
       


      Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each
        other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"  "No, I
        lost an electron!" "Are you sure?"

        "Yeah, I'm positive!"
        
       
       


      ===============
              
        
         &nbs

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