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***Thought & Humor*** Nov 6, 2003 Edition - First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997 -{Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture}-

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  • Howdy
    Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper featuring Thought & Humor by Howdy =============== The highway patrolman was sitting behind the billboard in Chapel Hill
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 5 8:27 AM

                                                 Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper
                                                     featuring 'Thought & Humor'
                                                                     by Howdy

      The highway patrolman was sitting behind the billboard in Chapel Hill
      eating a donut when he saw a UNC student running by with a bicycle.
      He stopped her and said, "Miss, why are you running alongside that
      To which the UNC student replied, "It's going too fast to get on!"


      1) Why is it better to have round manhole covers
           than square ones?

      2)  If you have it you want to share it. If you share
           it you won't have it. What is it?

      3)  Lovely and round,
           I shine with pale light,
          grown in the darkness,
         A lady's delight.
      4) In an unabridged dictionary, what 3 letter word
          has the most definitions?
      5) Sir, I bear a rhyme excelling
           In mystic force and magic spelling
          Celestial sprites elucidate
          All my own striving can't relate

                                             (Answers are located below)
                                    If you can't find the answers below, write me:



      Dictionary :
      A place where success comes before work.


      Read what you have time for below & save the
      residuum for a rainy/blustery/dilatory time when
      the resplendent & effulgent foliage is cascading
      to its wintry haven...



      Dearest Howdy,
      I DO NOT want to be PHASED OUT of receiving such a delightful
      publication. I enjoy both your clever antics and eloquence of language.
      The jokes aren't bad either! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE--DO NOT
      TAKE ME OFF THE MAILING LIST.  Howdy has become a good
      friend and break from the stress of college.
      Keep up the good work.
      MM (Loyno)




      *Studying pornography in class may be the hippest thing to do at
      America’s most elite universities, but critics say it’s not only
      indecent — it’s hazardous.

      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line}


      Subscribe:  Join the jollity by sending an e-mail to:
                                                  (Place "SUBSCRIBE" in the subject).
                             (Open To ALL - Even Your Roommate/mom/friend/professor)

                              You may subscribe ANY friend you wish to beguile/regale.
                         They will be sent a confirmation warning them that smiles are in their future.
                                                (You may remain anonymous if you wish.)


      "I think this "political correctness" is getting ridiculous.
      Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go
      play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and
      Native Americans."



      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below. Even French students can do it...



      One day a salesman stopped by a UNC* grad's farm named 
      Jammer Jones, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came
      to the door."Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked."Sure is.
      He's over to the cow barn.""Well, I got something to show him,
      Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?""Shouldn't have
      any difficulties...
      He's the one with the beard and moustache."
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.


      'Thought & Humor' -  often polemical but
      never tasteless/unrefined/uncouth/ribald.


      Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online,
      'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
      through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail
      address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique
      blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your
      weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic 
      but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious
      and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....


      Address Change

      Don't be without 'Thought & Humor' this Thanksgiving should
      your address (college students, military, rich people, etc.)
      change. Subscribe your new address:


      It's hard to impress the opposite sex without 'Thought & Humor'
      combined with moonlight, candlelight dinners, ocean breezes,
                                  and Howdy...



      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
      1. caesura            A. Something desired or considered necessary
      2. toddick             B. Uniting and blending together different systems
      3. syncretic          C. Unconventional; eccentric; bizarre
      4. prevaricate      D. Obliged; bound in gratitude
      5. beholden          E. A break or pause in a line of verse
      6. pawky               F. A splendid or impressive array
      7. desideratum    G. Cunning, shrewd, crafty
      8. panoply            H. A very small quantity
      9. outre                  I. To depart from or evade the truth
      10. glink               J. To look at slyly, sideways

                                 (answers below)                     


      Permission is hereby granted for you to change all
      humor used in The"E-Mail Newspaper", 'Thought
      & Humor' and its subsidiaries related to the institution
      of lower learning hereby known as UNC to another
      of your choice from the list below:

      1) French university students
      2) Harvard or U.C.-Berkeley
      3) Any accredited high school or middle school
      4) Any Loggerheads & Pundits
      5) Any and all persnickety individuals or nincompoops
      6) Any Chapel Hill, NC Citizen unless same sends an offspring
      to Duke, NCSU, JSU, MSU. UGA, or FSU.


           A Week's Worth Of GREAT Reading Just For You!!!
                                    Howdy's address:

      "Thought & Humor" has been  read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!

      A UNC student was terribly overweight, so her
      doctor put her on a diet.
      "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then  skip a day,
      and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time
      I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
      When the student returned, she shocked the doctor
      by losing nearly 20 pounds.
      "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,
      "Did you follow my instructions?"
      The girl nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was
      going to drop dead that third day."
      "From hunger, you mean?"
      "No, from skipping on the third day."


      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:

       Howdy's address:       your-bestfriend4u@...

      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown.

      Dear Howdy,
      I'm not sure how I got on your mailing list, but I am thankful
      for the encouragement I get from God through you. In addition
      to encouragement, your humor helps heal the hurts that have
      happened along the long road to here.  
      Thank you for sharing.
      Diane V   



      I can't imagine why someone would be so against the message you are
      trying to send.  As for this not being thought provoking the person that
      wrote that evidently has no imagination.  I do not remember signing up
      for this newsletter, but I feel very blessed that it was sent to me. I think
      that God wants us to try and reach and help as many people as we can.
      God Bless you and what you are doing.  I have forwarded it to everyone
      I know.

      In His name,



       Dear Howdy,

      HA!  This is great...I'm forwarding it on to Artie.  He'll love it! 
      This has been a big crazy day!  Hope your evening is restful. 
      Dear Howdy,
      A friend forwarded your newspaper to me. I would like
      to sign up for the E-Mail Newspaper containing "Thought
      and Humor". 
      Dear Howdy,
      I heard about you from a friend who gets your Thought & Humor EMail.
      Dear Howdy,

      Thanks for your sensitive and very fine (Chuck Colson)
      article/obituary on Neil Postman. I had the privilege
      of hearing Dr Postman speak at a conference many years
      ago in Toronto. The presentation, entitled "School
      Talk," left a lasting impression with me and I have
      read almost everything he has written since. BTW, he
      sounded a lot like Truman Capote and had a similar
      kind of delivery.
      So thanks again.
      J R Green in Iowa.

      Dear Howdy,
      hilarious! thanks for making me smile - 
      holding ground here at Mississippi State. 



      Please note that our policy allows for us to receive
      threats on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...


            My cell phone died. I wish I didn't need one, but I'm traveling so
      much and there's so much going on in our ministry, I just have to be able to
      stay in touch while I'm traveling. So we had to get a new cell phone. The
      old phone served us well for a long time, but now the buttons just refuse to
      work anymore. Like the button that says "power." Oh, you can press it many
      times, you can hold it down for a while, and probably not have it come on.
      And if it does and you enter a phone number you want to call, you will not
      enjoy what happens when you push the button that says "Send." Actually,
      nothing happens usually. It is very hard to place that call. And if the
      "Send" button finally works, then you'll have a lot of fun when your call is
      done and you push the "End" button! No response - and a very big bill. It's
      really frustrating when you push the buttons you've always pushed and you
      don't get the response you've always gotten.

              Now wouldn't it be great if you could frustrate the devil by messing
      up the buttons that he has always pushed in your life?

              I picture Satan sitting there with this big control panel in front
      of him with your name on it. I'm sure he's got one with my name on it, too.
      And he knows exactly what buttons to push to get you to respond as he wants
      you to. After all, he's been pushing your buttons for years and watching you
      dance to his music. He knows exactly what button to push to get you
      discouraged, to get you angry, to get you worrying, to get you defeated, to
      get you down on yourself or back to the old you. But hasn't he played with
      you long enough?

              Then you might be interested in making today's word for today from
      the Word of God your personal strategy for finally getting free. It's
      amazingly simple, and amazingly disregarded by us much of the time.
      James 4:7: "Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee
      from you." Now God says if you stand up to the devil, he will leave you
      alone. Notice, it doesn't say, "Resist the devil, and he will fight you."
      It says he will flee from you! The devil just isn't used to having us resist
      him when he pushes those old buttons. He's used to us reacting the
      same old way, doing the same old thing, just going along with how he
      wants us to act and think.

              But when you resist him - when you say, "I know who this is and I'm
      not falling for it anymore!" - you start to disconnect the button that he
      has manipulated you with for so long. I see him, like me, pushing the
      buttons on my old phone in total frustration - all of a sudden he's getting
      no response. That's why Ephesians 6 tells us to "Be strong in the Lord and
      in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your
      stand against the devil's schemes."

              Now you belong to Jesus Christ - the One of whom the Bible says,
      "The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work"
      (1 John 3:8). By His death on the cross for all your sin, Jesus broke the
      power of that sin once and for all. You need to stand by that cross and
      boldly claim the freedom Jesus paid for there. Your freedom cost your
      Savior too much for you to continue to let the devil keep you enslaved.

              The next time Satan pushes one of those tired old buttons, stand up
      in Jesus' strength and say, "That button's not going to work anymore.
      Jesus my Lord has set me free." So there sits your enemy, frantically pushing
      the button that has always worked on you - and getting absolutely no response.                     
       Ron Hutchcraft

      Send any comments for Howdy to:
      If published in 'T & H', millions
      could see your annotation.

      Listen with RealAudio!

      To subscribe to "A Word With You," send a blank email to:


      To find out how you can begin a personal relationship
      with Jesus Christ, please call:

      1-888-NEED HIM.



      "The Human Brain"                  by Sarah Bellum
      "Please Don't Hurt Me"             by I. Bruce Easily
      "Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic
      "Thirty yards to the outhouse"     by Will E. Makeit
      (illustrated by Betty Wont)
      "The Proper Use of Sunscreens"     by Justin Casey Burns
      "How To Cure Scratching"           by Ivan Awfulich
      "Discount Alternatives"            by Robin Stuff
      "How To Save Time"                 by Terry A. While



      Your very own library



             Please forward this newspaper to your colleagues,
             friends, and family, and let them know they can
             subscribe by sending an e-mail to:



      * When Nations Die
      One of the more popular radio programs has been "Decline of
      a Nation."  This program returns to this important theme by
      summarizing the significant work by Jim Nelson Black in his
      book "When Nations Die."  When we look at three thousand years
      of history, we observe that civilizations rise but eventually fall and die.
      + + +
      The Worldview of Edgar Cayce
      The worldview of Edgar Cayce's readings is worlds apart from that
      of the Bible. Christians must carefully avoid being taken captive
      by this philosophy.

      {Double click on the web address above for additional information:} 


      Howdy says: "FORWARD TO FRIENDS & YOUR MAMA!"
      First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997
      Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture



      If the shortest distance between two points is a line,
      why does waiting in a line take so long?


       "It is the duty of nations, as well as of men, to own
      their dependence upon the overruling power of God
      and to recognize the sublime truth announced in the
      Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those
      nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord."     
               -- President Abraham Lincoln

      A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large
      bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had
      lost sight of her child. "Reid!" she called out, noticing
      the boy was missing. "Reid!"
      Just as she spotted her son in the next aisle, she bumped
      into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but
      most folks come here because they already like to read. No
      sense wasting your time trying to convince them."


         Gin and canasta are both descended from an ancient Chinese
        game, mah-jongg, which is more than a thousand years old.


        The banana and the Bird-of-Paradise flower are in the same


        The first foreign monarch to patent an invention in the U.S.
        was King Hassan II of Morocco. He was issued a patent for
        an invention that combined videotape and an electro-
        cardiogram to study heart performance. 


                                TY COBB
        Baseball legend Ty Cobb amassed a huge fortune from
        Coca-Cola and General Motors stocks. His net worth at the
        time of his death was reported to be $11 million. When Cobb
        entered Emory Hospital in Atlanta near death, he brought with
        him more than $1 million in negotiable bonds and placed them
        on the nightstand next to a loaded pistol.


                              A HISTORIC SALE
        The Chicago Tribune purchased the Chicago Cubs baseball team
        from the P.K. Wrigley Chewing Gum Company for $20.5 million
        in 1981. The sale ended the longest continuous ownership of
        a team that stayed in its original city, which had been 60 years.



      A UNC student gave up on Computing Dating after she

      was stood up by two mainframes, a mini, and a laptop.



      One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer,
      and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when
      it broke down.
      The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
      The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think
      it's not getting enough gas."
      The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's
      wrong with the electrical system."
      All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
      The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get
      back in." 

      A lawyer was cross-examining a UNC* grad:
      "You have just testified that you heard the shot at exactly 11:32p.m.?
      How did you know what time it was? Did you look at your watch?"
      "No," the 
      grad said. "I looked at the sundial in the garden."
      "That's absurd," screamed the lawyer. "How could you tell time by a
      sundial at 11:32 at night?"
      "I had a flashlight," the 
      UNC grad said.


      Look at the lives of the founders of the Christian and Muslim faiths:

      (Message over 64 KB, truncated)
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