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***Thought & Humor*** Oct 1, 2003 Edition -

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  • Howdy
    Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper featuring Thought & Humor by Howdy =============== Passing an office building late one night, a UNC student saw a sign that
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 1, 2003

                                                 Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper
                                                     featuring 'Thought & Humor'
                                                                     by Howdy

      Passing an office building late one night, a UNC student 
      saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

      She did so, and after several minutes she heard the
      watchman clomping down the stairs.

      The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate,
      then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally
      made his way through the revolving door.

      "Well," he snarled at the student, "what do you want?"

      "I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"


      1) The shape of my form will waver and bend,
           From the things I'm destroying
           and the things I will rend.
          My color will vary from bright red and blue,
         The power I'm using will dictate my hue.

      2)  There is a common English word that is seven letters long.
           Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains a
           common English word - from seven letters right on down to
           a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the
           words that it becomes after removing a letter at a time?
          Clue 1: The word is a verb.
          Clue 2: Ends in -es.

      3)  Composed a 45-letter tongue-twister that names a lung
           disease that occurs especially in miners and that is caused
           by the inhalation of very fine silicate or quartz dust.
          Clue: It's the longest word in the English language.
      4) A girl is twice as old as her brother and half as old as her father.
           In 22 years, her brother will be half as old as his father.
           How old is the daughter now?
      5) A father's child, a mother's child, yet no one's son.
          Who am I.

                                             (Answers are located below)
                                    If you can't find the answers below, write me:



      For as long as I can remember I've had amnesia.


      If you are having problems reading 'T & H'
      due to some of the daft colors, size print
      used, or fonts, here is a suggestion:
      1) While looking at your current issue, press "FORWARD".
      2) Click on "FORMAT" at the top of the page.
      3) Next click on "PLAIN TEXT".
      4) Then read all that you want in standard print.
      When finished, click on the "X" at the extreme
      upper right of your newly created "Text Only"
      version & you still have your color issue intact!


      Have We Forgotten???




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                         They will be sent a confirmation warning them that smiles are in their future.



      Rhyming Buddies
      The answer to each clue must be in the form of a rhyming pair. 
      Each word in the pair should have the same number of syllables. 
      For example, what would you call a friend who fell in a puddle?  
      A muddy buddy.  How about a comical rabbit?  A funny bunny.

       What is/are:

      1. a good piece of pizza?
      2. an obese feline?
      3. a carpet for an insect?
      4. a dinner party for wild animals?
      5. a paw cover for a young cat?
      6. a young person who cannot be tamed?
      7. a robber in charge?
      8. a banana colored man?
      9. a waxy doorknob?
      10. a rose's strength?
      11. a clever organ?
      12. an earth bug's dance?
      13. a dull shellfish?
      14. a big rock group?
      15. visual rush hour?
      16. a dark blue meat sauce?
      17. stingy adult lambs?
      18. a raspberry spread abdomen?  
      19. a flaming cable?
      20. sleepy wood?
                     (answers below)


      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below. Even French students can do it...



       A UNC* grad phones a mental hospital and asks
      the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.
      She goes and checks, and comes back to the
      phone, telling him that the room is empty.
      "Good," says the man. "That means I really did escape."
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State. 


      'Thought & Humor' -  often polemical but
      never tasteless/unrefined/uncouth/ribald.


      Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online,
      'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
      through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail
      address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique
      blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your weekly
      entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic but never nefarious,
      prurient, besmeared, or perfidious and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms...


      Address Change

      Don't be without 'Thought & Humor' this Autumn should
      your address (college students, military, rich people, etc.)
      change. Subscribe your new address by sending an e-mail
      from your NEW address to:


      It's hard to impress the opposite sex without 'Thought & Humor'
      combined with moonlight, candlelight dinners, ocean breezes,
                                  and Howdy...



      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
      1. gelid              A. Exposition; explanation
      2. seriatim         B. An effeminate or weak-minded person
      3. mugient         C. In a series; one after another
      4. abulia             D. Ruddy, reddish
      5. kenspeckle    E. Extremely cold; icy
      6. milksop          F. Loss or impairment of the ability to act
                                      or to make decisions.
      7. exiguous        G. A short heavy stick used as a weapon
      8. flammulated   H. Conspicuous, having a distinctive appearance
      9. exegesis         I. Extremely scanty; meager
      10. cudgel          J. Bellowing

                                 (answers below)                     


      Permission is hereby granted for you to change all
      humor used in The"E-Mail Newspaper", 'Thought
      & Humor' and its subsidiaries related to the institution
      of lower learning hereby known as UNC to another
      of your choice from the list below:

      1) French university students
      2) Harvard or U.C.-Berkeley
      3) Any accredited high school or middle school
      4) Any Loggerheads & Pundits
      5) Any and all persnickety individuals or nincompoops
      6) Any Chapel Hill, NC Citizen unless same sends an offspring
      to Duke, NCSU, JSU, MSU. UGA, or FSU.


           A Week's Worth Of GREAT Reading Just For You!!!
                                    Howdy's address:

      "Thought & Humor" has been  read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!

      Can you guess these names of various movies,
      television shows, books, and other things:
      1. You Haven't Met the Guy Who Climbed the Bean Stalk (com-
      puter game).

      2. I'm Aware of Your Activities Last Year After School Let
      Out (movie).

      3. Marsupial Commanding Officer of the Ship (television show).
      4. Low Prime Number's Business (television show).
      5. Goodbye, Upper Appendages (book).
      6. Dianetics Author's Aged Female Parent (story).
      7. Thrice a Proper Woman (song).
      8. Final Dinner (painting).
      9. Place it in the Will for the Dam Builder (television show).
      10. Undressed Firearm (movie).
      11. Evening of the Undead (movie).
      12. Crimson Crustacean (restaurant).
      13. Upper Education (movie).
      14. The Barrel of Dry Sherry (short story).
      15. Do Not Indicate to Mother that the Temporary Infant
            Guardian is Deceased (movie).
      16. Thouroughfare Domicile (movie).
      17. Veracity Regarding Canines & Felines (movie).
      18. Sway Me, Wolfgang (song).
      19. Mr. Hall, Filled to Capacity (movie).
      20. One Passed Through the Air Above the European Bird's
      Home (movie).
                                   (answers below)


      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:

       Howdy's address:       your-bestfriend4u@...

      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown.

      Hey Howdy,
      Things are fine.  There are bad days and good days, just like anywhere. 
      I am so thankful for your T& H... I always print out the things I like and
      forward things to friends.  My favorite verse is Nahum 1:7, The Lord is good
      a stronghold in the day of trouble, and HE knoweth them that trust in HIM.
      There are times when we cannot think that God can be good when such bad
      things happen, but I think it's all a matter of perspective.  HE puts us
      through things to see what we are really made of, and at times it hurts, but
      boy we should be ever so thankful for all that HE does.  WHY?  because HE
      loves us.

      I do have a picture I was going to e-mail you, but I forgot to hold a sign
      saying "where's Howdy"  It is front of a big rock called "_____"
      I do enjoy all that you do to reach people for the Lord in this way, and
      sometimes the grief you go through when you hear all the bad things people
      say to you.  The one thing I feel when reading that is sadness because of
      those who write that stuff, their blindness.
      Keep up the good work,
      Wanda (Somewhere in Asia) 

      Howdy Howdy
      I would prefer to stay on your mailing list. It's not that I'm
      short of humour. In South Africa where I live (Johannesburg),
      we have an unlimited supply courtesy of our inept politicians.
      Actually the more I see how they're ruining my country, it
      ceases to be funny, and we are driven to tears. I therefore
      need Howdy to cheer me up again!
      Anyway, thanks for a cool publication, I've thoroughly enjoyed
      it since first receiving it as an online MA student at Regent
      University (VA Beach).
      Mario Teixeira
      Dear Howdy,

      I have been without laughter for some months now since I stopped eceiving
      your Howdy's. Get me out of this limbo!!!!!

      PAUL K.


      Duh Howdy I be a wunderin if'n Boffalou Bill er dat udder one
      Clarence bee sums ware close by fer to taluk to?  I be frum dat
      grate unibercity da home of da whosirs en blumengton, in.
      Plase tel Mr Flubster Boster his fallow curnpons say hey...
      Larry Elish


      Dear Howdy,

      Please continue to send me "Thought and Humor" -  I always enjoy each and
      every issue. It's been a highlight of my e-mail reading!!!

      John S.
      Gonzaga University

      Dear Howdy,
      I've been on your list in the past under my work
      e-mail 1234@....  I would like to re-subscribe
      for your publication under mine and my husband's
      personal e-mail mnopq@....  I soon won't
      be working anymore, I'm going to have triplets, so I
      would like to receive your funny and mind broadening
      information at home.
      Anna in Indiana
      dear howdy
        i would like to continue receiving "thought&humor"
        please sign me up on the new (if any)list.
        (name withheld)
      Howdy Howdy,

      I have missed your letter. I tried to re-subscribe but could not. Thanks for
      coming back. I missed your humor and thoughtful insights.

      Yours in Christ,


      Ann Arbor, MI


      Dear Howdy,
      Thanks for your "Warning: Not subscribing could restrict one's
      opportunities for ascertaining uninterrupted existence for same's
      quintessence." I like to be one of your "1,000,000 people" and "a part of the
      jollity" as well as to ascertain that "uninterrupted existence." But I just
      can't bear the fact that you continuously ignored my little request and
      thus humiliated me by not sending me the Picture rather than stuffing
      me with many junk pictures. What's wrong for me to ask a portrait of the
      person whom I'm communicating. Unless this person is kind of an
      old-fashioned Arabic woman, then I won't ask a portrait. I don't want just to
      communicate with the impression in my mind. I need to communicate with
      a clear fine portrait in front of eyes. Both of them are equally
      necessary and essential.

      You said, "We informed our detractors that we were crestfallen about
      being so controversial and would never (ever) be polemical again (at
      least until the next issue) but they just wouldn't hearken." Actually I can
      forgive those detractors and their mischiefs which have caused me both
      physical and mental pains as well as a couple of angry red pimples on
      my face, only if you sincerely email me the Current Picture which I
      regard as the "quintessence" for me to persistently ascertain and fight

      In short, no picture, no subscription!


      Dear Howdy,
           Why not?  Your mailing was very entertaining and
      convincing.  Please add me to your email list to receive
      Thought and Humor.
      Graduate Assistant
      University of Cincinnati
      College of Education, Criminal Justice and Human Services


      I love you people! Your stuff keeps me laughung and thinkin!
      I can't live without you!
      Dear Howdy,
      As it seems to be for a lot of people, I have no idea how you got my
      address, but I think I've read every issue I've received from the first.  I
      guess I didn't get any of the issues you sent out this summer, but, I also
      didn't really have the time to read them, nor to figure out how to get
      them.  But, I do still enjoy reading them, and have a few still in my inbox
      waiting for a time when I can read them through (since I don't like trying
      to find my place later...).
      If it's possible to still receive your wonderful newsletter, I would
      appreciate that.
      Howdy Howdy,
      Please keep me on the sub list. It would be a very dull life
      with out Thought and humor.
      Thanks and keep up the great work,
      Keep  those cards and letters coming in...the are rip-roaring funny.
      I'm a college student from Indianola Iowa and right now studying in London.  I
      would like to resubscribe to your jokes and such. Thank you for your kindness.
      Please keep me on your e-mailing list. I enjoy the scintalating humourous
      quotes and stories..I was also wondering how to make contributions.


      Dear Howdy,
      I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that
      you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia,
      the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
      Brad S.
      Dear Howdy, I would not open all your email until a friend said it was OK. 
      He sure was riight.  Thanks for humor and messages.  Having a husband with
      Alzheimer's disease, I need all the daily humor and inspirational messages
      from the Lord that I can get. Have a Happy New Year, God bless you, M.G.D.


      Dear Howdy,
      I don't know where my first copy came from,
      but I like it. Send me another. Bubba.
      I am a Christain and go to a secular school and I really appreciate having
      your mails. They are funny and encouraging. They are definately worth the
      time and space. Thanks for being encouraging. Jennifer L.
      <>< <>< <>< <>< <><
      Psalm 55:22
      ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
      Dear Howdy,
      I don't know how I was blessed to be part of your mailing list, but I do
      thank you for getting me through a difficult semester. We here at
      NCC/SUNY have been swamped with assessment forms. If this means
      nothing to you, bless your lucky stars. If it does, I dare you to make
      Assessment sound funny. Anyway in the depths of assessment despair,
      your HOWDY has tickled my funny bone and made life "bearable."
      Mary _____,Ph.D.
      Hi, I thought your email was just junk when I got it, but for some reason
      I decided to trust you and I opened it. Very cute jokes and riddles! I plan
      to share them. The biggest riddle is (and the answer wasn't on the bottom
      of the email) how did you put me on your mailing list? I'm sure I don't know
      anyone at Chapel Hill.

      Gooday Howdy,

      In your "Thought and Humour" of 26 September 2003 you state that:

      111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 345,678,987,654,321
      This is incorrect - the correct answer is actually more remarkable.  It is:
      111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

      John Ashton
      Manager, Management Systems Development
      Information Technology and Management Support


      Dear Howdy,
      I am curious to know why you pick on UNC so relentlessly!
      Isn't it unfair (in that other universities are spared completely)
      and what is UNC's fault? The jokes are funny though.
      Arush (Montreal, Canada)
      Dear Arush,
      It's mostly because I graduated from their arch-rival...
      It's all in good fun,
      P.S. Perhaps I should give UNC a bit of slack since
      they're 0 and 4 in football & a very close relative now
      attends that institution??? Naaaaah....


      Dear Howdy,
      Imagine what it would be like if TV actually were good.
      It would be the end of everything we know.
      Marvin M.


      Hello Howdy, 

       I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for
      singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December.  I don't agree with Darwin, but I
      didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his
      theory of evolution.  Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be
      endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football
      game. So what's the big deal?  It's not like somebody is up there reading the
      entire book of Acts.  They're just talking to a God they believe in and
      asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going
      home from the game.  "But it's a Christian prayer," some will argue.  Yes,
      and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian
      principles!  And we are in the Bible Belt.  According to our very own phone
      book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1.  So what
      would you expect ... Somebody chanting Hare Krishna?

      If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish
      prayer.  If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a
      Muslim prayer.  If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to
      hear someone pray to Buddha. And I wouldn't be offended.  It wouldn't bother
      me one bit.  When in Rome..."

      But what about the atheists?" is another argument.  What about them?  Nobody
      is asking them to be baptized.  We're not going to pass the collection
      plate.  Just humor us for 30 seconds.  If that's asking too much, bring a
      Walkman or a pair of ear plugs.  Go to the bathroom.  Visit the concession
      stand.  Call your lawyer.

      Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before
      we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us just to pray without ceasing. Now a
      handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.  God,
      help us!!!  And if that last sentence offends you, well...just sue me.  The
      silent majority has been SILENT too long...it's time we let that one or two
      who scream loud enough to be heard, that the vast majority don't care what
      they want...it is time the majority rules!  It's time we tell them, you
      don't have to pray...you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance, you
      don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him.  That is
      your right, and we will honor your right...but by golly you are no longer
      going to take our rights away ...we are fighting back and we WILL WIN!!!

      After all, the God you have the right to denounce is on our side!  God bless
      us, one and all, especially those who denounce Him...God bless America,
      despite all her faults she is still the greatest nation of all!  God bless
      our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship
      Samuel Thompson


      Please note that our policy allows for us to receive
      threats on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...


           It's one of those hidden natural treasures that not a lot of people know
      about. They call it Buttermilk Falls. People had told us what a picturesque
      spot it would be. They didn't tell us about the road you have to drive to
      see this picturesque spot. We turned off the paved road where our directions
      said to, and suddenly we found ourselves on a dirt road that was one crater
      after another. There was no way to miss these gigantic potholes. In fact,
      one guy in a Volkswagen in front of us just totally disappeared. So, I had
      to drive about two miles an hour with the kids reminding me that they
      weren't having much fun. It was really tempting to turn back, but we
      persevered. And I'm glad we did. We finally reached this magnificent
      waterfall, cascading down the rock walls of a cliff. There was even a trail
      where we climbed to the top and got this great view from the top of the
      waterfall. We loved it! And in spite of the miserable road to it, we went
      back several times. And it was worth it!

              Actually, you may be navigating a very bumpy road in your life right
      now, and you're not enjoying this process much at all. And as you're having
      to really slow down and to absorb the shocks, it's tempting to turn back,
      isn't it? But God wants to remind you today of something it is easy to
      forget when the road is rough: there's something beautiful -- something
      worth it -- at the end of this difficult journey.

              Few people in the Bible rode a bumpier road than Joseph did. Hated
      by his brothers, thrown into a pit by them, taken into slavery in Egypt,
      thrown into prison for doing the right thing. God didn't tell him where this
      rough road was leading any more than He's telling you where yours goes. But
      Joseph had the faith to keep driving even when it was almost impossible to
      imagine a happy ending. Of course, we know now there was a very happy
      ending. God promoted Joseph to be the assistant Pharaoh of Egypt -- the
      second most powerful man in the world -- so he would be in a position to
      help Egypt to forecast and prepare for a great famine. And to provide the
      food that would save the lives of the very brothers who had hurt him so

              Now, our word for today from the Word of God begins in Genesis 45:5
      as Joseph tells his brothers, "It was to save lives that God sent me ahead
      of you ... It was not you who sent me here, but God." All that pain was to
      position him to make a difference in many lives. In Genesis 50:20, Joseph
      testifies to the sovereignty of God as he says, "You intended to harm me,
      but God intended it for good to accomplish the saving of many lives."

              It had been a road filled with deep pitfalls and jarring blows. But
      it came out -- like the road to our waterfall -- at a beautiful place.
      Joseph's God is the same God you belong to. And He's taking you somewhere
      that will make the bumpy road worth it. He may be using these jolts to
      outfit you for a powerful ministry to hurting people. Maybe He's birthing
      great faith in you so you'll have what it takes to do great things for Him.
      Maybe He's allowing a mess so He can show you a miracle. He may be having
      you wait longer than you wanted because He's preparing you for a plan that
      is greater than you could have ever, ever dreamed.

              If you keep your eyes on the God of all hope, you'll be able to
      handle the bumps, trusting in a God who uses bumpy roads to get us to
      beautiful destinations. So don't turn back now. You are going to love the
      view on ahead.        
                       Ron Hutchcraft

      Send any comments for Howdy to:
      If published in 'T & H', millions
      could see your annotation.

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      To subscribe to "A Word With You," send a blank email to:


      To find out how you can begin a personal relationship
      with Jesus Christ, please call:

      1-888-NEED HIM.


      A fellow took a UNC student to the movies. During the pre-
      views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & M's.
      When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked
      out all the brown ones and threw them away.
      "What did you do that for?" he asked her.
      "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.


      Your very own library



      Please forward this newspaper to your colleagues,
      friends, and family, and let them know they can
      subscribe by sending an e-mail to: 



      If you like the Gershwins, you'll love this site. Listen to their
      music, read about their shows and more!
      Take a trip down memory lane to some places you may have visited
      in your life.

      {Double click on the web address above for additional information:} 


      Howdy says: "FORWARD TO FRIENDS & YOUR MAMA!"
      First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997
      Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture


      As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has
      compassion on those who fear Him.
             --Psalm 103


       "It is the duty of nations, as well as of men, to own
      their dependence upon the overruling power of God
      and to recognize the sublime truth announced in the
      Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those
      nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord."     
      -- President Abraham Lincoln

      Q.  What did one pickle say to the other?
      A.  "You mean a great dill to me."


      A wave breaks when the water underneath supporting the wave
      is only about 1.3 times as deep as the wave is high. When
      that happens, the water at the crest is moving faster than
      the water below. Most often, waves break in shallow water
      near the shore, but waves may also break father off if the
      wave is high enough. 
             When a piece of glass cracks, the crack travels
                    faster than 3,000 miles per hour.

      (Message over 64 KB, truncated)
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