Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

***Thought & Humor*** June 19, 2003 Edition

Expand Messages
  • Howdy
    Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper featuring Thought & Humor by Howdy ******************************************************************************************
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 19, 2003
    • 0 Attachment
       
       
                                        Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper
                                           featuring 'Thought & Humor'
                                                         by Howdy
                      
                                 
       
                                                         
       
      ******************************************************************************************
       
      Two young men who had just graduated from UNC were
      all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi
      in downtown Raleigh.
       
      After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver
      asked, "You men UNC graduates?"
       
      "Yes Sir! Class of '03!" they answered proudly.
       
      The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their
      hand, saying, "Class of '58."

      ====================
       
       
      Riddles:


      1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
          a. On the floor shift knob
          b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
          c. Next to the horn

      2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it.  For what was it used?
          a. Capture lightning bugs
          b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
          c.Large salt shaker

      3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
          a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
          b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
          c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors
             and milk would freeze, expanding and
             pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

      4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
          a. Blackjack
          b. Gin
          c. Craps!

      5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings
           when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
         a. Suntan
         b. Leg painting
         c. Wearing slacks

      6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear
           when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
         a. Studebaker
         b. Nash Metro
         c. Tucker

      7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
          a. Strips of dried peanut butter
          b. Chocolate licorice bars
          c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

      8. How was Butch wax used?
          a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
          b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
          c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

      9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
          a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
          b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
          c. Long pieces of twine

      10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
            a. Consider all the facts
            b. Ask Mom
            c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

      11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
            a. Smallpox
            b. AIDS
            c. Polio

      12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
            a. SUV
            b. Taxi
            c. Streetcar

      13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
            a. Old Blue
            b. Paint
            c. Macaroni

      14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
           a. Part of the game of hide and seek
           b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
           c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

      15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
           a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
           b. Princess Sacajewea
           c. Princess Moonshadow

      16. What did all the really savvy students do when
             mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
           a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
           b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
           c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your  failure

      17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
           a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted  like bubble gum
           b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
           c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

      18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
            a. Meatballs
            b. Dames
            c. Ammunition

      19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a  hit?
           a. The Ink Spots
           b. The Supremes
           c. The Esquires

      20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
            a. Tony Bennett
            b. Xavier Cugat
            c. George Gershwin


      Answers are located below

      ===============


      Ballerinas are always standing on their toes.
      Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?


      ===============

      Read what you have time for below
      & save the rest for a rainy/blustery/slow time.

      ===============


      KIDS' SITE: EXCAVATE A SUNKEN SHIP
      http://www.pacmuseum.qc.ca/quebec1690/jeu/english/index.htm
      A long time ago, a ship sank in the St. Lawrence River.
      You must search for clues to uncover how old the ship is.

      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line}

      ===============



      Subscribe:  Join the fun by sending an e-mail to:
                humor_thought_2u-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
                          (Special of the week: FREE)



      ===============


      ***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***
      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below. Even French & German students can do it...



      ===============



      Supervisor: "For a guy with no experience, you are
      certainly asking for a high rate..."
       
      New UNC* Grad: "Yeah, well, the work is much harder
      when you don't know what you're doing!"

      ________
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.

      ===============



      Due to the fact that America & its Allies just completed a just
      war, all military personel may receive 'Thought & Humor' FREE.
      Have them send an e-mail for their free subscription to:

       humor_thought_2u-subscribe@yahoogroups.com



      ===============


      Address Change

      Don't be without 'Thought & Humor' this Summer should
      your address (college students, military, rich people, etc.)
      change. Subscribe your new address by sending an e-mail
      from your NEW address to:

      humor_thought_2u-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

      It's hard to impress the opposite sex without 'Thought & Humor'
      combined with moonlight, candlelight dinners, ocean breezes,
                                  and Howdy...

      ===============

      Permission is hereby granted for you to change all
      humor used in The"E-Mail Newspaper", 'Thought
      & Humor' and its subsidiaries related to the institution
      of lower learning hereby known as UNC to another
      of your choice from the list below:

      1) French university students
      2) Harvard or U.C.-Berkeley
      3) Any accredited high school or middle school
      4) Any Loggerheads & Pundits
      5) Any and all persnickety individuals or nincompoops
      6) Any Chapel Hill, NC Citizen unless same sends an offspring
      to Duke, NCSU, JSU, Villanova, MSU. or Florida State.

      ==============


      Power Plays: Santorum and the Sex Lobby
       
      I realized the other day that our inspectors are looking in the wrong
      place for weapons of mass destruction. These weapons are not in
      Baghdad; they're in Washington, in the hands of the sexual
      liberationist lobby. And they're deploying them against America's most
      respected Christians in public life.
       
      Their most recent target is Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania (R).
      A few weeks ago, Santorum committed the ultimate crime in the eyes of
      those hoping to redefine the way the law treats sexual behavior: He
      told the truth. And media and political leaders have been piling on him
      ever since.
       
      The raging controversy started when Santorum was interviewed about
      LAWRENCE V. TEXAS, a case that the Supreme Court is considering that
      would invent a constitutional right to privacy protecting homosexual
      behavior. As Princeton Professor Robert George notes in NATIONAL REVIEW
      ONLINE, this would represent a radical departure from prevailing law.
      Marital sex alone enjoys constitutional protection; non-marital sex
      never has.
       
      If the Supreme Court dismantles prevailing law, George writes, it will
      likely replace marriage with consent as the principle by which courts
      distinguish constitutionally protected sex from unprotected sexual
      conduct. But if consent becomes a new standard for defining sexual
      privacy, he warns, then not only sodomy, but also fornication,
      adultery, polygamy, prostitution, adult incest, and even bestiality
      would become protected rights. The Court would not be able to justify
      picking and choosing. If it should protect sodomy, it would ultimately
      have no choice but to protect all other forms of consensual sex.
      Justice Byron White, appointed by President Kennedy, advanced this very
      same argument in BOWER V. HARDWICK.
       
      This is all Santorum said, but it is why the sex lobby has aimed at him
      its deadliest weapons: distortion and deceit. Santorum's opponents know
      that his logic is right. And therefore, they have to keep secret what
      would happen if the Court overthrows marriage as the criterion for
      constitutional protection: Every form of perversion would be legalized
      and forced on the states.
       
      This is why Santorum's critics are attempting to discredit him with
      false allegations of bigotry. And every day I pick up a paper and read
      about Santorum's so-called "homophobic" remarks.
       
      And Santorum is not the only one. Bill Bennett is another. The goal of
      his detractors is not simply to discredit Bennett, but to destroy him.
      From now on, every time you see Bennett's name in print, you're going
      to see the words 'reformed gambler' -- just as every time you see
      Santorum's name, you're going to see the words 'gay basher.' It's an
      attempt to eliminate their voices from serious public policy discussion
      by ad hominem and untrue ridicule.
       
      The same thing will happen to almost any other public figure who dares
      to make a truth claim. Truth claims are deeply offensive to the titans
      of secular orthodoxy -- so much so that it's not enough to dispute
      arguments through civil discourse, or to have an honest disagreement.
      No, truth-tellers have to be destroyed.
       
      I hope you'll call us here at BreakPoint (1-877-3-CALLBP) so we can
      send you a free copy of Robert George's article, titled "Rick Santorum
      is Right." You will need it to explain to your neighbors what's really
      at stake here: It's the truth that is being destroyed. And you will see
      why sexual libertarians are unleashing every weapon they have against
      those whose only crime is telling the truth. 
       
      FURTHER READING & INFORMATION
      Robert George, "Rick Santorum is Right," NATIONAL REVIEW ONLINE, 27 May
      2003.
      http://www.nationalreview.com/comment/comment-george052703.asp
       
      BreakPoint Commentary No. 030502, "Tolerance Run Amok: Gunning for
      Santorum." (Archived commentary; free registration required.)
      http://www.pfmonline.net/transcripts.taf?_function=detail&ID=2747&Site=BPT&_UserReference=C797395E5C42AFC63EE62A97
       
      Al Dobras, "Will the Real Bigots Please Stand Up?" BREAKPOINT ONLINE, 9
      May 2003.
      http://www.breakpoint.org/Breakpoint/ChannelRoot/FeaturesGroup/OnlineFeatures/Will+the+Real+Bigots+Please+Stand+Up.htm
       
      David Orland, "The Deceit of Gay Marriage," BOUNDLESS, 6 July 2000.
      http://www.boundless.org/2000/features/a0000307.html
       
      "Truth in the Public Square" -- In this speech Charles Colson delivered
      to congressional members and staff in Washington, D.C., June 6, 2003,
      he advocates upholding absolute truth in framing legislation and
      policy.
      https://www.pfmonline.net/str_donation.taf?Site=BP_Item&Item_Code=CDTPS 
       
      NEW ON BREAKPOINT
      If you're a Christian and work on Capitol Hill, can you be bold about your faith?
      Chuck Colson answered that question for congressional staffers. Read "Colson Speaks
      to Capitol Hill Staffers" by David Brody (reprinted from Family News in Focus).
      http://www.breakpoint.org/Breakpoint/ChannelRoot/FeaturesGroup/OnlineFeatures/Colson+Speaks+to+Capitol+Hill+Staffers.htm
       
      WILBERFORCE FORUM NEWS
      Do you desire to understand how your belief system affects the way you view
      the world around you, and learn how your faith can consciously influence your
      daily life and culture? Would you like to be equipped to lead a small group or
      Sunday School class and facility worldview training? Register now for in the
      Wilberforce Forum's Certificate in Christian Worldview Studies. The fourth
      course begins on June 23. (Courses may be taken out of order. The program will
      be repeated in the fall beginning August 4.) Online registration is now available.
      http://www.breakpoint.org/Breakpoint/ChannelRoot/ResourcesGroup/Wilberforce+Certificate+in+Christian+Worldview+Studies.htm
       
      RECOMMENDED RESOURCES
      In THE CLASH OF ORTHODOXIES: LAW, RELIGION, AND MORALITY IN CRISIS, Princeton professor
      Robert P. George challenges liberalism's claim to represent the triumph of reason. He
      argues that on controversial issues like abortion, stem-cell research, euthanasia,
      homosexuality, and same-sex marriage, traditional Judaeo-Christian beliefs are actually
      rationally superior to secular liberal alternatives.
      https://www.pfmonline.net/str_donation.taf?Site=BP_Item&Item_Code=BKCLO

      "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a daily commentary
      on news and trends from a Christian perspective.
      Heard on more than 1000 radio outlets nationwide,
      BreakPoint transcripts are also available on the Internet.

      BreakPoint is a production of The Wilberforce Forum,
      a division of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

      Chairman: Charles W. Colson
      Dean: Nigel M. de S. Cameron, Ph.D.
      Managing Editor: Jim Tonkowich, D.Min.
      Senior Writer: Anne Morse
      Associate Editor: Roberto Rivera
      Associate Producer: Teresa Woodward
      Wilberforce New Media Editor: Gina Dalfonzo
      List Maintainer: Larry Wilson


      As you read the Scriptures with your family, I hope
      you'll have a new appreciation for who the "Word made
      flesh" really is: He's the Creator who existed before time.
      He's the Logos Who made heaven and earth, and Who
      steers the stars in their courses. He is the Truth that is
      ultimate reality. He is the 'Babe of Bethlehem & the
      'Word' of John 1. If you know of others who would
      enjoy receiving BreakPoint in their E-mail box each
      day, tell them they can sign up 1-800-457-6125.

      ==============



      A Week's Worth Of GREAT Reading Just For You!!!
                       Howdy's address:
           
      humor_thought_2u-subscribe@yahoogroups.com



      ===============


      "Thought & Humor" has been  read in all 50
      States, 70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!

      ===============

      A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the
      shelves.  "What are you doing in there?"  she asked.  The rabbit replied:

      "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes".

      "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".


      ===============



      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:



       Howdy's address:         your-bestfriend4u@...



      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown.


      Dear Howdy,
       
      "The purpose of marriage is procreation."

      Gee, if you weren't a humor publication I'd have to take that seriously.
      That would be grounds for the automatic dissolution of all marriages
      once the wife reached menopause.  Since she can no longer procreate,
      she has no reason to be married. 

      Perhapswe could pass laws mandating  "common law divorce"  for all
      sterile marriages after a term of seven years -- sort of a reverse of the
      "common-law" marriage principal since the relationship is not fulfilling
      its "function" in society. And perhaps we should make procreation outside
      of marriage (it does happen you know) a capital crime.  How dare they flout
       the sacred institution of marriage by usurping its holy function?
      I'm so glad I don't need to take your little diatribe seriously.  It would
      mean you are a very sick individual. 

      I have never understood how granting marriage rights to gays could
      possibly diminish the value of the bonds of any one else's marriage rights. 
      The last time these arguments were raised by narrow minded people was
      during the crusade to strike down the miscegenation laws.  Fortunately,
      as the statistics you quote show, America is growing up.  Eventually the
      various ridiculous DOMA laws will be struck down just as the miscegenation
      laws were and America will realize that there was nothing to be afraid of at all.

      Gregg Lauterbach


      +
       
      Dear Gregg,
       
      I suppose you really should have written Chuck Colson
      (
      http://www.breakpoint.org/) since he wrote the article.
       
      1) However, wouldn't you agree that almost all married
      couples (1 male & 1 female) would desire to have offspring.
       
      2). Perhaps Our Creator keeps these couples around so
      that they might relish/savor their children & grandchildren
      & influence them in the right way.
       
      3) Wouldn't you agree that the God's Handbook For
      Living (The Bible) teaches that marriage is for 1 man &
      1 women. Write back if you don't concur.
       
      4) Why do folks who disparage Christianity have to reach back
      to the Crusades? If Christianity as a group had committed
      no errors/howlers since that time wouldn't that be consequential???
      (Actually the Crusades were a political event & the actions
      of some of its participants would certainly be in violation of
      God's Handbook For Living.)
       
      5) Are you at odds with America's past??? Indeed there
      have been wrongs but Christians in our past have used
      their influence to make significant changes for the betterment
      of our citizens.
       
      Thanks for writing although you seemed to camouflage your
      view somewhat...
       
      Howdy

      +++

      Howdy, I would appear that something in the last e-mail was unsatisfactory
      to the corporate firewall?
      I quote: "***Thought & Humor***  6/16/3" contains offensive language that
      violates the communication policy. Therefore, I cannot receive the message.
      I used the last received, 6/12/03 to contact you.
      Peter
       
      +
       
      Dear Peter, I would certainly like to know what it was???
      Howdy
      P.S. If anyone can find out, please let me know.

      +++

      Hello Howdy,
       
      Thanks for the copy of Thought & Humor. Now & then I enjoy
      a good laugh when I have the time to read T & H.
       
      Below is quoted fr your most recent T&H (6/16/03):
      "If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, factidious or assiduous e-mail to:"
       
      I noticed the word "factidious." I wasn't able to find it in the dictionary.
      Do you mean fastidious or execessively critical?
       
      Regards, Manuel (Australia)

      +++

      Hi.........Howdy!
       
      I would like to know
       
      how many friends you have to asisst you to write all
      these sides  indeed?
       
      P.Karunaharamoorthy
                 Berlin

      +

      Dear P.K.,
       
      A whole multitude of folks (see our footer for credits)...
       
      Your Devoted Friend,
      Howdy


      +++
       
      The following is an e-mail exchange between Gloria & Howdy:

      Dear Howdy,
      As you suggested in your message, I'm sending you
      "an amicable, meticulous, factidious or assiduous
      e-mail" now. But I could not find "factidious" in my
      dictionary, Why? I guess its meaning is similar to
      the other three words nearby. Another question:
      I found your email is more like an educational
      message. So where did you get those information
      and why did you take effort to do that? For what purpose?
       
      By the way, I appreciate and enjoy the content.
       
      An amicable reader searching for truth.
      Gloria

      +++

      Dear Gloria,
       
      I couldn't find it in my dictionary either - I think it's suppose
      to be "factious". Remind me to change it on our "blank"!
       
      You are very astute in your observations about 'Thought
      & Humor'. If you will check our "footer" in each issue,
      you will see credits for the information used as well as
      this statement for our purpose: Soli Deo Gloria... 
       
      Sure hope you have a great summer,
      Howdy

      +

      Hi Factious Gang, I of course noticed Soli Deo Gloria,
      but I know I wouldn't get an answer if I asked you
      about that. See, you even didn't answer my second
      question in the below message.
       
      Soli Deo Gloria bothered by some information....
      Gloria

      +

      Dear Gloria,
       
      How about this from the footer:
       
      'Thought & Humor' is one small  attempt to obey "The Great Commission".
       
      Take care,
      Howdy

      +

      Hello, Proud high-class elite howdy:

      Please unsubscribe me. I dont think Im qualified to receive your free
      subscription. Because I "have been taught differently about that". Because
      Im so poor that the only thing I possess is my pride of self-importance
      which support and nourish me to survive until today in this such tough
      reality full of malicious villains and manipulated elite.

      A "stubborn low-class" reader with "the deadly sin of pride" as well as"a
      fallen sinner  a mirror with smudges, smears, and cracks", with "troubled
      past" and "many stumbles, so many falls, so many breaks".  

      By the way, thanks for your felicitous/halcyon/meticulous/amicable saying here.

      Your once devoted reader, Gloria

      P.S. But I may forgive you and follow your advice if you honestly show me
      "the master of my fate.the captain of my soul", as well as if you honestly
      tell and show me all the truth...

      +

      Dear Gloria,
       
      Wish you wouldn't leave - we enjoy having someone as
      intelligent & articulate as you on our list...
       
      Your Devoted Friend,
      Howdy

      +

       Dear sneaky spurious hypocritical high-class elite / lowly human-bean /
      fallen donkey / mean bias Howdy:

      I unsubscribed already. Why did you still send me newsletter yesterday? Didn
      ’t your Mom ever teach you how to respect others, keep your promise, and to
      be professional?   (Howdy: I did)

      A transparent person. But there are still something about me you'll
      definitely never find out even you spend more money and energy and do more
      investigation. I know myself the best, not you. Gloria

      (Would someone please tell me where I went wrong with Gloria - Howdy)

       
      Please note that our policy allows for us to receive
      threats on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...

      ===============



           I hate to make extra trips back and forth from the car. So I have a tendency
      to load up with a little more than I should probably carry. At the grocery
      store, I would rather not be hassled with taking a cart out into the parking
      lot. So, if at all possible, I'll just load up all those grocery bags in my
      arms and start walking. It's then that I especially appreciate a particular
      convenience that many stores have - those doors that open automatically,
      without you even having to touch them. Well, you do have to do something -
      you have to walk toward those doors. That's when they open.

              Interestingly enough, the way you get that automatic door to open is
      often the way to get God to open a door for you. You have to start moving in
      that direction. You have to start walking toward it before it will open.

              One classic illustration of that is in the Jews' crossing of the
      Jordan River in our word for today from the Word of God in Joshua 3. It's
      time to finally enter the land that God has promised to them. But in between
      them and where God has told them to go is this river, at flood stage yet.
      The priests are supposed to lead the way, and there's no bridge. Beginning
      in verse 8, God says, "Tell the priests who carry the Ark of the Covenant:
      'When you reach the edge of Jordan's waters, go and stand in the river.' ...
      The priests carrying the Ark of the Covenant went ahead of them. Now the
      Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who
      carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge,
      the water from upstream stopped flowing."

              If I'm one of those priests, I'm saying, "How about this idea, Lord?
      You part the waters, and then I'll step in." God says, "No, you step in, and
      I'll part the waters." He's been saying that to His followers ever since.
      Jesus was ready to change water into wine at a wedding, if the servants
      would collect the waterpots and fill them with water. Jesus was ready to
      miraculously feed 5,000 people, if the disciples would have enough faith to
      at least find a lunch and get everyone organized for a picnic that did not
      yet exist. Jesus planned to raise Lazarus from the dead, but he first
      expected the men to roll the stone away from the tomb. God responds to our
      faith and our obedience.

              God has been talking to you about something He wants to do in your
      family, in your finances, in a life He wants to touch through you, with a
      change He's been leading you to make. Somewhere in your life there seems to
      be a closed door standing between you and something God wants you to do.
      You've been waiting for God to do something. But He's waiting for you to do
      something - to start walking in the direction of where you believe He wants
      you to go ... even if there's a closed door or a flooded river in front of
      you. That's His problem. Your problem is to get moving in the direction He's
      leading!

              Now, if you've been looking for more leading from God, remember the
      way to discover what you need to know about God's will is to do what you
      already know is His will. You can't get anywhere as long you're staying in
      neutral. You've got to shift into forward gear. All the "yeah, buts" -
      "Yeah, Lord, but what if...?" - all those "yeah, buts" are God's problem.
      Start walking toward that door - that's when it's going to open!
      Ron Hutchcraft
      Listen with RealAudio!
        http://www.gospelcom.net/rhm/sounds/awwy/awwy4288.ram


      ---------------------------------------------------------------------

      To find out how you can begin a personal relationship with
      Jesus Christ, please visit YOURS FOR LIFE: HOW TO
      HAVE LIFE'S MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP at:

      1-888-NEED HIM



      ===============


      There once was a UNC grad that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday.
      He cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!
       
      "I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."
       
      So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."
       
      "You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"
       
      The guy thinks for a while. Then, "I would like a VW Bug with A/C,
      power locks, power windows, 10-disk changer, you know the works."
       
      "Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"
       
      "Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."
       
      "OK, suit yourself," says the genie.
       
      So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show
      all his friends. He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar
      commercial on. The guy starts singing to it: "I wish I was an
      Oscar Meyer Wiener."


      ===============

      Depressed, Troubled, Worried???
      Big Problems???
      Want to talk with a LIVE trained counselor???
      Want to get REAL help???
      (FREE - English/Spanish)

      1-800-633-3446
      (Not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor')

      ===============

      Your very own library:

       http://bible.crosswalk.com/

      ===============

      Please forward this newspaper to your colleagues,
      friends, and family, and let them know they can
      subscribe by sending an e-mail to:

      humor_thought_2u-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

      It's a prodigious way to be an attester/deponent...
       
      ===============

      Howdy says: "FORWARD TO FRIENDS & YOUR MAMA!"
      First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997
      Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture

      =================

       "It is the duty of nations, as well as of men, to
      own their dependence upon the overruling power of God and
      to recognize the sublime truth announced in the Holy Scriptures
      and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed
      whose God is the Lord."      --Abraham Lincoln

      ==================

      Fathers, do not exasperate your children, instead, bring them
      up in the training and instruction of the Lord.   --Ephesians 6

      ==================


      Q:  What is practical nursing?
      A:  Falling in love with a rich patient!


      ==================

      ==================

      If you stop believing what your professor told you
      had to be true and if you start thinking for yourself
      you may come to some conclusions you hadn't
      expected. You may find the Bible makes more
      sense than you thought or were told to think.
      Allow yourself to be ruined, ruined with regard
      to what you always thought could be true. Can
      you believe what you don't understand?You
      and I believe everyday what we don't understand
      unless it comes to the issue to salvation.
                 Dr. Woodrow Kroll

      ==================


      Sing to God, sing praise to His name, extol Him who rides on
      the clouds -- His Name is the Lord -- and rejoice before Him.
      A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His
      holy dwelling.                     --Psalm 68


      ==================


      Martin Luther once declared the book of Psalms, "the book of all saints."
      And certainly, many agree—the Psalms are an utterly fascinating section of
      Scripture, with a chapter that seems to speak to every human emotion amid
      a journey of words spoken to God and with God.  For Luther, it was the
      earnestness and life uttered within the Psalms that spoke to him most
      profoundly.  "Where does one find finer words of joy than in the Psalms of
      praise and thanksgiving?" he asked.  "On the other hand, where do you find
      deeper, more sorrowful, more pitiful words of sadness than in the Psalms
      of lamentation…?  So, too, when [the Psalms] speak of fear and hope, they
      use such words that no painter could so depict…" (Footnote 1: J. Clinton
      McCann, Jr., A Theological Introduction to the Book of Psalms. (Abington Press:  Nashville, 1993) p. 13.)
       
      Luther's observation is well founded.  No other book—indeed, no other work
      at all—more accurately unveils the labyrinthine corridors of the heart and
      emotions of man, nor so clearly reveals the emotions and character of God.
      Moreover, the Psalms remind us, as Dan Allender and Tremper Longman have
      expressed masterfully in their book, The Cry of the Soul, that one's
      emotions often reveal our deepest questions about God.  We see this
      poignantly as the psalmist struggles with the reality of God's goodness in
      light of the reality of sorrow, pain, and disappointment.  And this is
      precisely why the Psalms are so valuable, for such earnest wrestling with
      our emotions for the intent of gaining wisdom, can bring us a clearer
      vision of who we are and who God is, if we will see. 
       
      The call to consider our inner world may seem somewhat out of place in a
      culture that readily uses feeling, preference, and intuition as the
      guideposts for life.  And yet, within this world that has pledged its
      allegiance to the appetite, we have never seen so many people struggling
      with matters of identity and self-worth, emptiness and alienation, as we
      do today.  The psalmist's call is to delve into the deepest cries of our
      hearts, deeper than many are willing to go.  Listen to the words of a poem
      written by English critic Matthew Arnold, titled, "The Buried Life."
      (Footnote 2: As quoted by James W. Sire, The Universe Next Door, p. 12.)
      He writes,
       
      But often, in the world's most crowed streets. 
      But often in the din of strife,
      There rises an unspeakable desire
      After the knowledge of our buried life: 
      A thirst to spend our fire and restless force 
      In tracking out our true, original course;
      A longing to inquire
      Into the mystery of this heart which beats
      So wild, so deep in us—to know
      Whence our lives come and where they go. 
       
      Arnold recognized the depth of human emotion, the intensity of that inner
      world, and a longing to understand it, but sadly, he stopped there, never
      fully inquiring into the mystery of this heart which beats, "What has the
      depth to render our depths?"  The Psalms bid us to explore our buried
      lives, to read the cries of our hearts as they ask our most honest
      questions of God, and ultimately, to follow our thirst to the source of
      all life.  "Why are you downcast O my soul?" asks the psalmist repeatedly
      in Psalm 42.  "Why so disturbed within me?"  C.S. Lewis once stated that
      if we find in ourselves a desire which no experience in this world can
      satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another
      world.  This the psalmist knows well.  Only the deep and living waters of
      the sovereign God can answer the deepest cries of the heart. 
       
      Return to the Psalms again and again, and may you be blessed by the
      language, inspired by the honesty, and brought closer to the One whose
      word is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. (Footnote 3: Psalm
      119:105)           Jill Carattini



      ==================

      Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel,
      and Fabio had?  They're no longer on a first-name basis.


      ==================

      Q:  Why did the UNC student eat the candle?
      A:  He needed a light refreshment.

      ==================

      What would you say if someone told you they

      believed a helicopter evolved without a designer?

      read more







      ==================

      Q: Why is six afraid of seven ?
      A: Because 7 8 9.


      ==================


      MY ATTORNEY

      After living a "decent" life, my time
      on earth came to an end. The
      first thing I remember is sitting on
      bench in the waiting room of
      what I thought to be a court house.

      The doors opened and I was instructed
      to come in and have a seat by
      the defense table. As I looked around
      I saw the "prosecutor." He was a
      villainous looking gent who snarled as
      he stared at me. He definitely was the
      most evil person I have ever seen.

      I sat down and looked to my left and
      there sat my lawyer, a kind and
      gentle looking man whose
      appearance seemed familiar to me.

      The corner door flew open and there
      appeared the judge in full flowing
      robes. He commanded an awesome
      presence as he moved across the room.
      I couldn't take my eyes off of him. As
      he took his seat behind the
      bench, he said, "Let us begin."

      The prosecutor rose and said, "My name
      is Satan and I am here to show you
      why this woman belongs in hell." He
      proceeded to tell of lies that I told,
      things that I stole, and in the past
      when I cheated others. Satan told of
      other horrible perversions that
      were once in my life and the more
      he spoke, the further down in
      my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed
      that I couldn't look at anyone,
      even my own lawyer, as the
      Devil told of sins that even I had
      completely forgotten about.

      As upset as I was at Satan for telling
      all these things about me, I was
      equally upset at my representative
      who sat there silently not offering
      any form of defense at all. I know I
      had been guilty of those things,
      but I had done some good in my
      life - couldn't that at least
      equal out part of the harm I've done?

      Satan finished with a fury and said,
      "This woman belongs in hell, she is
      guilty of all that I have charged and
      there is not a person who can
      prove otherwise."

      When it was his turn, my lawyer first
      asked if he might approach the
      bench. The judge allowed this over the
      strong objection of Satan, and
      beckoned him to come forward.

      As he got up and started walking,
      I was able to see him in his full
      splendor and majesty. I realized why
      he seemed so familiar. This was Jesus
      representing me, my Lord and my
      Savior. He stopped at the bench and
      softly said to the judge, "Hi Dad,"
      and then he turned to address
      the court.

      "Satan was correct in saying that
      this woman has sinned, I won't deny
      any of these allegations. And yes
      the wages of sin is death, and this
      woman deserves to be punished."

      Jesus took a deep breath and turned
      to his Father with outstretched arms
      and proclaimed, "However, I died
      on the cross so that this person might
      have eternal life and she has accepted
      me as her Savior, so she is mine."

      My Lord continued with, "Her name is
      written in the book of life and no one
      can snatch her from me. Satan still
      does not understand yet. This woman is
      not to be given justice, but rather mercy."

      As Jesus sat down, he quietly paused,
      looked at his Father and replied,
      "There is nothing else that needs to
      be done. I've done it all."

      The judge lifted his mighty hand and
      slammed the gavel down. The following
      words bellowed from his lips...

      "This woman is free. The penalty for her
      has already been paid in full.
      Case dismissed.

      As my Lord led me away, I could hear
      Satan ranting and raving, "I won't
      give up, I'll win the next one."

      I asked Jesus as he gave me my
      instructions where to go next,
      "Have you ever lost a case?"

      Christ lovingly smiled and said,
      "Everyone that has come to me and
      asked me to represent them has
      received the same verdict as you,
      'Paid in Full.'

      (Sent by Bill Reynolds in Florida)


      ==================

      "How to Be Sure You're
      a REAL Christian"
       http://www.actsweb.org/htbs1.htm
      or     1-888-NEED-HIM        (24/7 - free call)

      ==================

      One of the reasons for the success of the internet is its open,
      peer-to-peer nature. All computers on the internet are equal,
      and in the past it hasn't mattered whether your computer is
      a 386 in Nguru on the end of a satellite phone or a big monster
      in a New York rack. If that ever changes, I think we will lose
      part of the essential, vital character of the internet. Doug Winter


      ==================
      "How to Be Sure You're a REAL Christian"
      1-888-NEED-HIM    (24/7 - free call)
      www.needHim.org
      ==================

      Faith and love are apt to be spasmodic in the best of minds.
      Men and women live on the brink of mysteries and harmonies
      into which they never enter and with their hand on the doorlatch
      they die outside.         GK Chesterton

      ==================


       Who is Jesus?  (http://www.ccci.org/whoisjesus/interactive-journey/)


      ===============

      Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a sheep with a porcupine?
      They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

      ===============

      Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said:
      "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten miserable beasts
      I have ever seen."
      with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly
      remember you in my prayers."      II Timothy 1

      ===============


      *Keene State College Newspaper interviews Howdy:

      http://www.keeneequinox.com/news/412633.html?&mkey=613569



      ===============


      The first Easter was obviously more than a series of
      events. Those touched by what took place experienced some
      very strong and (for some) wonderful emotions. Learn to
      embrace and experience the emotions of Easter - read the
      Emotions of Easter by Dr. Woodrow Kroll.
      http://www.backtothebible.org/go.htm?1148



      ===============
      Please note: If you see a UNC student or a liberal reading
      'Thought & Humor', please explain to them which is thought
      & which is humor. They always get it backwards.......
      ===============

      AMERICA ARCHIVED
      http://www.archives.gov/
      This government site offers access to historic documents.
      View the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights.

      ===============

      British preacher William Booth formed the Christian Mission, later
      renamed the Salvation Army, in London.  Determined to assail poverty
      and religious indifference with the efficiency of a military
      organization, Booth modeled his group after the British army, labeling
      ministers "officers" and new members "recruits."

      The religious and charitable movement operates in more than 100 countries:
      http://www1.salvationarmy.org/

      {Double click on the web address above for additional information:}

      ===============

      Did you know that dolphins are so
      intelligent that within only a few
      weeks of captivity, they can train
      people to stand at the very edge
      of the pool and throw them fish?

      ===============


      Dear Howdy, Indeed I am a faithful Tarheel*, having both
      MA and Ph.D. from their fine chemistry department.
      But that doesn't keep me from getting a great kick out
      of the humor propogated by what appears to me to be
      a pack of wolves!!**


      SERIOUSLY, THE HUMOR IS GREAT FUN BUT MY
      MAIN ATTRACTION WAS TO THE CONSERVATIVE
      MORAL AND POLITICAL STANCE THAT SEEMED
      TO CHARACTERIZE THE FIRST ISSUE I SAW.
      INCIDENTALLY (HE SAYS ACCIDENTALLY!), it was
      sent to me by a friend,  so I really didn't "hear about
      you" at all, and still haven't. All I know is what has
      come in the two issues of the Newsletter
      I have seen. The best to you.
      S. P.

      *Another name for UNC.
      ** UNC's archrival - NCSU.

      ===============


      "Not being on the air, that's not important. But I'd like
      to be in the newsroom helping set the agenda."

      Retired CBS Anchorman Walter Cronkite

      {Dear Walter, Fair news knows no agenda - Howdy}


      ===============

      Bible - God's Word in different languages...

      http://www.scriptures.com/

      ===============


      Goodbye for now & rhapsodic/felicitous/halcyon vernal duration to you!!!

      Your friend, confidant, & cohort,
      Howdy
      (probably spurious)
      P.S. Right now it looks like the full color edition will have to remain on the back
      burner for awhile.

      DEDICATION: Doug & Deb

      ===============


      "I believe the Bible is the best gift God has ever given to man.
      All the good from the Savior of the world is communicated to
      us through this book."                  --Abraham Lincoln

      "For we must consider that we shall be as a City upon a hill. 
      The eyes of all people are upon us.  So

      (Message over 64 KB, truncated)
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.