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***Thought & Humor*** Aug 14, 2004 Edition - Not Spam - All Ham - First Published In Last Century

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  • your-bestfriend4u@juno.com
    Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper featuring Thought & Humor by Howdy =============== A UNC football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 17, 2004

      1) Though in theory I am always behind you, I am also around  
      to remind you. But in case it's your way to give me too  
      much say, I can hamper or, even worse, blind you. What am I?  

      2)  What force and strength cannot get through,  
             I with a gentle touch can do.  
             And many in the street would stand,  
             were I not a friend at hand.  
             What am I?  

      3) Can you decipher this famous saying?  

      That prudent avis which matutinally deserts the coziness  
      of its abode will ensnare a vermiculate creature.   

                                              (Answers are located below)
                                       If you can't find the answers below:


                'Text-Only' Edition has no color cartoon here - and it was funny...
      Q. Why did Cinderella get thrown off the ball team? 
      A.. She kept runnong away from the ball.

      Read what you have time for below & save the
      residuum for a stormy/blustery/dilatory interval
      while the charming/exquisite/vernal/aestival 
      season is bursting out all over. Our goal is to
      promote a non-threatening and productive
      office & university environment and to establish
      language that is gender-neutral, ethnic-neutral,
      and age-neutral while celebrating our spirit  
      of diversity.  

      Question: What is the longest word in the dictionary?

      Answer: It depends . . .

      It might be . . .


      opposition to the disestablishment of the Church of England. Or . . .


      A nonsense-word used especially by children, now chiefly expressing
      excited approbation: fantastic, fabulous. Or . . .


      pneumoconiosis caused by the inhalation of very fine silicate or quartz
      dust. Or . . .


      a village in Wales. Or perhaps . . .


      is the longest word, because there's a mile between the first letter and the last.



      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below.
          Even French students can do it...




      Kids Site: A buggy site
      PestWorld for Kids has games and animations that explain bugs and
      rodents. Learn why pests invade our homes and how to stop them.
      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line}


      If you like the Gershwins, you'll love this site. Listen
      to their music, read about their shows and more!

      Take a trip down memory lane to some places
      you may have visited in your life.



      Today's quiz is called "En Route." Just as a pro-
      peller drives a ship ahead, the "fy" ending on a word impels
      it forward. "Fy" comes from the Latin facere (to make). Take
      this quiz to help you move forward on your way to a larger,
      more effective vocabulary.

      1. certify - A: to verify. B: claim. C: issue a license.
      D: list.

      2. vilify - A: to shame. B: slander. C: confront. D: lie.

      3. personify - A: to popularize. B: be friendly. C: state
      boldly. D: typify.

      4. amplify - A: to satisfy. B: round off. C: increase.
      D: prolong.

      5. indemnify - A: to accuse. B: bring to trial. C: protect.
      D: challenge or oppose.

      6. stultify - A: to be stubborn. B: make ineffective.
      C: harden. D: shrink to unusable size.

      7. quantify - A: to measure. B: empower. C: excuse oneself.
      D: add to.

      8. stupefy - A: to strengthen. B: frustrate. C: cripple.
      D: dull.

      9. codify - A: to translate. B: make firm. C: systematize.
      D: explain.

      10. deify - A: to commemorate. B: idealize. C: preserve.
      D: exaggerate.

      11. exemplify - A: to discuss. B: imitate. C: illustrate.
      D: punish.

      12. sanctify - A: to consecrate. B: become quiet. C: be in
      seclusion. D: grow in religious fervor.

      13. transmogrify - A: to transform. B: be in a hypnotic
      sleep. C: disintegrate. D: be in distress.

      14. nullify - A: to retreat. B: even out. C: question.
      D: cancel.

      15. reify - A: to make louder. B: reinforce continually.
      C: treat an abstract as a tangible. D: become more elegant.

      16. justify - A: to put into law. B: substantiate. C: quib-
      ble about. D: gloss over.

      17. mortify - A: to humiliate. B: exasperate. C: exterminate.
      D: give in to.

      18. minify - A: to lessen. B: extend. C: calm. D: work

      19. gentrify - A: to impoverish. B: farm as a hobby. C: up-
      grade. D: be excessively polite.

      20. edify - A: to admire. B: uplift. C: enjoy. D: be dili-
      (Answers below)




      Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online,
      'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
      through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail
      address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique
      blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your
      weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic 
      but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious
      and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....



      Three UNC* sophomores are attempting to change
      a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

      Soph: We need help. We're three UNC students 
      changing a light bulb.
      Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
      Soph: Yes.
      Operator: The power in the house in on?
      Soph: Of course.
      Operator: And the switch is on?
      Soph: Yes, yes.
      Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
      Soph: No, it's working fine.
      Operator: Then what's the problem?
      Soph: We got dizzy spinning the ladder
      around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.


      A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural  
      geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being  
      the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a  
      large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.  

      One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining  
      severe damage to the upper cranial structure; subsequently  
      the second member of the team performed a self-rotational  
      translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first  
      team member.  

      It will be a while before Jack and Jill head up that hill  
      for a pail of water again.  


      How it all started...

      The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.

      An exciting new discovery is about to take place.
      Mr. Bell and his assistant, a man named Watson,
      have been hard at work on Bell's new invention
      to transmit sound over wires.

      As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the
      receiver, he suddenly hears ...

      "Good evening, sir. Are you paying too
      much for your long distance service?"

         (Not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor')

      "I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris
      and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering fromthese,
      I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they
      gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
      These gaveway to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely
      lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute
      ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
      I don't know how I pulled through it.... It was the hardest spelling
      test I've ever had."



      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
      1. stertorous      A. To dispute stubbornly about trivial matters  
      2. camisado       B. Having or showing great knowledge  
      3. fluvial             C. An expert in a certain field  
      4. stanch            D. Characterized by a heavy snoring or gasping sound  
      5. erudite            E. To stop the flowing of  
      6. mirador           F. Highly injurious  
      7. stickle            G. Produced by or found in a river or stream  
      8. pernicious      H. Capable of being forgiven
      9. cognoscente   I. A window, balcony, or turret with a wide view  
      10. venial           J. A surprise attack at night  

                                 (answers below)                     



      This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope
      with the stress that builds up during the day.

      1 grapefruit
      1 slice whole-wheat toast
      1 cup skim milk

      small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
      1 cup herbal tea
      1 Hershey kiss

      the rest of the kisses in the bag
      1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping

      4 bottles of pop
      2 loaves garlic bread
      1 family size supreme pizza
      3 snickers bars

      whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)



      The police recently busted a man selling ' secret formula' tablets
      he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they
      noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for commiting this same
      criminal medical fraud.

      He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983...........

      'Thought & Humor' has been  read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!

      The violence in this movie is horrific, with multiple killings taking place
      onscreen at point-blank range. We connect with the characters, who
      draw us in. And the story is original, fairly well-paced and inflected with just
      enough humor to ease the tension. So we watch, in horror, as crime after
      crime is committed and injustice perpetrated, seemingly without end.  We
      want the good guy to win, and ultimately, he does. But not without terrible
      loss of life and the lingering sense that somehow, someday, that kind of
      evil may just be the end of us all.

      It’s nihilism at its best, and it’s presented very well indeed. But don’t
      expect to come away feeling anything but depressed.

      (Not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor')


      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:

       Howdy's address:       your-bestfriend4u@...

      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown. Tell us what's happening in your locale!!!
      Warning: Please do not send political correspondence - these sometimes
      slip stealthily past our editor.  We have a very strict policy forbidding
      posting of any political material in this section.  If your copy contains
      such, please be advised that your copy may have been an early
      edition and that it was doffed from all ensuing editions.

      Dear Howdy,
      Names are interesting,meanings, origins, etc...see the enclosed...sorry,
      there is no Howdy listed...I checked...But, you could be the origin a new
      trend!!! What a distinction! :-)

      Baby Name Guide Database:
      Our baby names database includes over 18,000 entries, which lists baby
      names, genders, meanings and origins. Choose boy and girl baby names from
      a variety of categories including American, Arabic, French, German, Hawaiian,
      Hebrew, Italian, Spanish, plus... Biblical, Floral, Nature, Geographical,
      Native American , Unisex & many more.


      Type atcha later.

      God bless you,



      Howdy, Your "Thought & Humor" is an insult to anyone
      intelligent and truly God-fearing. SHAME ON YOU for
      adding to the misery and ignorance we find ourselves in.
      Please don't use my God to justify your hatred.
      Victor Santos (U.C. - San Francisco)


      Hello Howdy,

      I did actually take the time to read your entire e-mail, which I thought was
      terribly amusing, until I actually realised you were being serious about
      religion which undermined the entire humour of your newsletter in my eyes.

      I admire your wordplay and eloquence of language, but do think you might
      be overdoing it just that little bit in trying to drive home the Christian
      message in a "youthful" sort of way. I think it's quite timeless personally,
      and whether you funk it up or not people will either believe, or they won't.
      I personally just take my risk and opt for the latter.

      S.D. (Oxford University)


      Dear Howdy,
      How did you come up with such a great idea?  Very inspirational!
      Do you take contributions to help "the cause"?
      Bill T.
      Howdy, If I am not already subscribed to your" E-Mail Newspaper"
      please subscribe me and if I see those three hounds after you I will
      have them thrown in the pound. You have good stuff.
      Thanks, A & E Hewett


      UNC Coach was told by the math professor that
      his star quarterback was being banned from
      intercollegiate sports because of his grade.
      The coach pled for one more chance. The Prof
      agreed if he could answer one question correctly 
      and asked the player: "How much is 2 plus 2?"
      The player thought about it, and said "5."  The
      prof said "That's it -- he's off the team." The coach
      screamed, "Aw, gee, Prof -- he only missed it by 2."


      Dear Howdy,
      One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from
      across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park

      He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like
      to go in and meet with President Kerry."

      The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't
      reside here."

      The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

      The following day, the same man approached the White House and said
      to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President

      The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr.
      Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."

      The man thanked him and again walked away.

      The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
      the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
      President Kerry."

      The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the
      man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
      asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is
      not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

      The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

      The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow Sir!".
      Dear Howdy,
      The Lord has blessed you as well.  He has given you the opportunity
      to spread the gospel in a way that is non threatning, and He has brought
      you through illness and other struggles that others would have given up. 
      But you are living proof that "we can do all things thorough Christ who
      strengthens us."  Serving the Lord involves laughter as well as troubles...
      I think it's to give us balance.  We are all vessels for Him only if we are
      being used and not sitting around on a shelf to look pretty.  The more
      used the vessel, the more beautiful it is. 
      Keep on keeping on,
      Hi Howdy,
      If pickles are your pleasure you might find some practical uses for the
      juice in the jar after the pickles are gone. :-(

      Please Pass Me The Pickles
      http://ilovepickles.org/ -  Pickling is one of the oldest forms of food
      preservation. It was first discovered thousands of years ago by the
      Mesopotamians. North Americans now consume over 2.5 billion pounds of
      pickles each year! Are you looking for some creative ways to add "pickling"
      to your next salad, appetizer, bread, entree, or even dessert? (Sauerkraut
      chocolate cake anyone?) This site, developed by a trade association for the
      pickled vegetable industry (called Pickle Packers International, Inc.),
      includes recipes, fun activities for kids, and, of course, some pickle
      trivia that should come in pretty handy at your next dinner party.


      Type atcha later.

      God bless you,
      Dear Howdy,
      I did actually take the time to read your entire e-mail,
      which I thought was terribly amusing. I admire your
      wordplay and eloquence of language.

      Saskia (Oxford U.)

      Dear Howdy,
      Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like,
      "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my
      address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.  But I've never
      forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget
      to eat.
      Susie C.

      Dear Howdy,
      Some interesting fun with idioms...the truth be known... :-)

      Origins Of Common Expressions
      http://idiomsite.com/An idiom is a manner of speaking that is natural to
      native speakers of a particular language or region. We use them all the time
      but most of us don't know their origins. Some common idiom expressions
      include "living high on the hog," "put a sock in it," "under the weather,"
      "skin of your teeth," "mum's the word," and "sleep tight." Find out the
      origins of these and many more idioms at this enlightening site. So "go the
      extra mile," pour yourself a "cup of Joe" and have a "field day" browsing
      this website "'til the cows come home."


      Type atcha later.

      Phil Hesbol
      Dear Howdy,

      I referred the first chapter to you of
      Mike Evans' new book:

      It went on sale yesterday, and last evening we
      were out and picked up a copy for me --
      The American Prophecies.

      Let me most strongly urge you to read this one.
      I have only one of his previous books, and while
      it was impressive, this one is better by far.
      Don't miss it!

      Dr. Jerry B.

      My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
      She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
      lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

      (Message over 64 KB, truncated)
      Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.

                           Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper 
      'Thought & Humor'
                                                                     by Howdy

      A UNC football player was visiting a Yankee relative
      in Boston over the summer. He went to a large party
      and met a pretty co-ed.  He was attempting to start
      up a conversation with the line, "Where do you go to

      "Yale," she replied.
      The UNC student took a big, deep breath and shouted,