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15980Re: The Professor Speaks

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  • mithrilmoon
    Sep 5, 2005
    • 0 Attachment
      Many here in America are very intelligent, learned, and well-versed.
      I count myself as average, but I do agree that the British people
      have a talent for articulation...see below (COMEDY)
      *********************************************************
      Brit's Letter Of Complaint
      To UK Cable Company
      10-16-3

      What follows is a superb example of British humour in A LETTER THAT
      WAS TRULY WRITTEN AND SENT. The piece suggests two things: (1)
      Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service
      from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable
      operator in Britain); (2) The Brits probably write the world's best
      letters of complaint.

      Dear Cretins:
      I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
      your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
      monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered
      inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible,
      as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please
      allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
      your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -
      - or, more likely (I suspect), so that you can have some entertaining
      reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and
      drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. My initial
      installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending
      an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician
      to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
      listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
      Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.
      HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
      minutes - an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and
      highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two
      weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
      vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later,
      my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over
      four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it - and
      begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is
      roughly 35% - the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday
      through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my
      telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-
      help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
      disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly-skilled
      bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is
      available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred
      to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
      (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and
      then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your
      office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then
      been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several
      other variations on this theme.
      Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
      a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
      one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
      Frankly I don't care. It´s far more satisfying as a customer to voice
      my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold
      music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought British
      Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-
      awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
      more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
      service to their customers. That´s why I chose NTL, and because,
      well, there isn´t anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore
      was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
      disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You
      are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the
      highest order. BT - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
      beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless
      inadequacy.
      Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
      quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
      cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
      services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
      deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity
      and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
      perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with
      great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter
      and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I
      sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit --
      they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
      considerable Disappointment if you did not experience both their rich
      aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my
      feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day.
      May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly
      incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits. May you rot
      in Hell, Robert xxxxx.


      The piece suggests two things: (1) Americans and Canadians are not
      the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm
      companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain); (2) The Brits
      probably write the world's best letters of complaint.
      Dear Cretins:
      I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
      your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
      monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered
      inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible,
      as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please
      allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
      your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -
      - or, more likely (I suspect), so that you can have some entertaining
      reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and
      drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. My initial
      installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending
      an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician
      to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
      listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
      Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.
      HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
      minutes - an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and
      highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two
      weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
      vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later,
      my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over
      four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it - and
      begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is
      roughly 35% - the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday
      through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my
      telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-
      help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
      disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly-skilled
      bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is
      available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred
      to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
      (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and
      then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your
      office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then
      been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several
      other variations on this theme.
      Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
      a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
      one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
      Frankly I don't care. It´s far more satisfying as a customer to voice
      my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold
      music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought British
      Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-
      awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
      more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
      service to their customers. That´s why I chose NTL, and because,
      well, there isn´t anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore
      was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
      disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You
      are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the
      highest order. BT - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
      beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless
      inadequacy.
      Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
      quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
      cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
      services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
      deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity
      and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
      perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with
      great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter
      and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I
      sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit --
      they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
      considerable Disappointment if you did not experience both their rich
      aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my
      feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day.
      May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly
      incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits. May you rot
      in Hell, Robert xxxxx.
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